Chapter 15.5: RECAP
Well, now... Saga 1 is officially complete! So, here's the recap that no one asked for!
Red: Hi, I'm an angsty teenager who's into petfights.
(PETA has left the chat... even though I didn't invite them...)
Blue: And I'm his douchebag neighbor, Assfart.
Oak (rather high): What the hell was my name again?
(tosses Charmander at Red)
Have fun, bit-
Blue: GRAAAAAAAMPS!
Oak: Shit. Fine, here you go- have the less popular one! (tosses Squirtle at Blue) God, I'm just so old!
Blue: Hey Red! Wanna fight?
Red: No.
Blue: But it's fun, campy action.
Red: Kill him, Charmander.
(Camera- or should I say, me- cuts off as blood spews all over the Lab)
Oak: Hot damn, is that cranberry juice?
Red: I- uh- it's blood.
Oak: Metaphors, boy... when you're old like me, you gotta do some (hacks and wheezes) metaphors. (passes out)
Red: Aren't you gonna help him?
Blue: Smell ya later, dogbreath!
Red: What the beep is a dog?
A few hours later...
Arceus: Can I make a cameo here?
Retcon, movin' on!
Arceus: Please! I beg you!
RETCO-
Arceus: Please!
I SAID RETCON!
(sounds of resigned sighing as the literal God of Pokemon sits in his lonely chamber...)
Viridian City
Looker: I am French- er, I mean, Kalosian!
Red: Can I battle this guy?
Looker: No.
Red: Ugh, fine! This place isn't shady at all- I mean, look at it!
Looker: ...I think I need to take a dump.
Viridian Forest...
(Red sees Pikachu)
Red: Go, Pokeball!
Pikachu: OH SHI-
(Red sees Blue)
Red: Hey, Assfart! LET'S BATTLE!
Blue?: Isn't that my li- hey, my name is Blue!
I- It is...?
Red: Pikachu, use a game- breaking Volt Tackle!
(Pikachu tosses Raticate through the fourth wall and out of existence)
Blue: Asshole! I didn't even get to catch him yet!
Red: Then how come he was with you?
Celebi: Alright, I'mma head out. PEACE! (disappears)
Mew: Hey, what happened to Arkoos?
Red: Oh, an MandJTV fan. I don't mind- team Michael for the MBF!
Blue: Pfft. Cow's gonna roll him and the tournament out this time.
(Red sees Bulbasaur)
Red: Holy shit, you broke out of the Lab! I'm so catching you!
Blue: Wait, isn't that illegal-
(Catches Bulbasaur)
Blue: beeping beep shaking beeper!
Mew: Damn. That's angsty as hell, brah.
Red: Uhhhh... did that cat just talk?
Mew: Nope. (disappears)
Red: Oh, okay then.
Blue: My Raticate died- and the retcon took away my exposition moment! DAMN YOU, RETCONS! (walks away)
Pewter City
Brock: Finally, after 240 hours of meditation, I can go to slee-
Red: GYM TIME, ASSHOLES!
Brock: Just beeping shut up. I wanna take a nap.
Red: Charmander, use Hacks!
(Congrats! Your Charmander evolved!)
Geodude: Oh, hell no!
(Charmeleon used Murder. exe! It's overkill!
Geodude is dead...)
Brock: Shit!
Red: Woohoo!
Brock: Go, Onix!
Onix: Who hath awoken me from my slumber?
Charmeleon (somehow high): Duuude... Let's baaattle... I'm gonna kiiiiick your aaaaass..." (Onix pwn'd Charmeleon! RIP fam...)
Red: Go, Bulba Fett!
Bulbasaur: For the last time, THAT IS NOT MY beepING NAME!
Onix: I fear no man... (looks at Bulbasaur)... but that cabbage boi... it scares me...
Red: Bulbsaur, use Vine Whip!
Onix: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
(insert kaboom sound)
Brock: My... my loving partners are dead!
Red (also high): Duuuuuude... screw thaaaaaat... gimme the Baaaaadge..."
(Brock mutters something about Nurse Joy's goodies and slaps the Badge onto Red's face)
Exactly 420 minutes and 69 seconds later...
(Red walks out of the Cerulean Gym and looks at his Badge along with the note.
Call me (plz I'm desperate)
- Totally Misty LOL)
Red: Yeah, nope.
Blue: I SMELL SOMETHING!
Red: Could it be... has the great... the Almighty Assfart has returned from his conquest of the 25th Route?
Blue (burps): I think my main argument against Rick (burps) is that he's a complete piece of sh-
Red: No, never mind.
Blue: HEY, RED! LET'S BATTLE!
(sends out a team of Level 100 Arkooses)
I SAID RETCON, YOU STUPID LLAMA
Aforementioned Llama: Sorry.
Assfart: Oh shi- I said my name is Blue!
Red: When?
Yeah, when?
Blue: Tch- in the previous Chapter!
STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!
Blue: I have gotten no character development, am severely antagonized and am hated by almost everyone! So, screw YOU!
(Blue blinks out of existence and pops back)
You were sayin'?
Goku: But I am Saiyan!
NO! NOT YET! GO! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! GO!
Goku: Alright, alright, fine. (grumbles and leaves)
A few more minutes (precisely 68: 99) later...
Bill: I'm a furry- er, I mean, I'm inside a Pokemon- I mean I'm inside its very essence- d'agh, damn it!
Red: Nope.
Bill: REEEEEEEEEEE-
Red: Still nope.
Bill: There's X Items in the back.
(Red turns)
Red: ...I'm listening.
Some weird sci- fi BS later...
Bill: Thank you for your help in pulling me from the inside.
Red: No.
Bill: Here's some tickets to a place you'll never visit ever again!
Red: O... Okay?
Vermilion City...
Surge: I'm a war veteran!
Red: Then where's your uniform?
Surge: It's too tight with the uniform on.
Red: What is it with the beeping phrasing in this place?
Surge: LET'S FIGHT!
Red: Are you manipulating me?
Surge: N... no...
Red: Promise?
Surge: Yes...
Red: On your pinky?
Surge (crying piously): Oh, forgive me, for I have sinned! I have sinned! I- an esteemed war veteran- have lied on the battlefield.
Red- sama: Kameil! Kare no jinsei o oeru!
Wartortle: When in the beep did I evolve?
Red: More importantly- who are you?
Wartortle: Who... Who am I? Who are we? What are we?
Surge: I would say PETA's least favourite game franchise...
Every living soul in the universe: ... But the joke's already been said before.
Meanwhile...
(Wartortle used Curiosity! Raichu was stunned!
Raichu lost all faith in humanity! Raichu gave up on life!
It's a one- hit KO!
Raichu fainted!)
Surge: OH HELL NO!
(Red Instant Transmissions to Erika's Gym...)
Wait, what the hell was tha-
Red: Charmeleon! Use Overkill!
Charmeleon: Fire Style! Fireball Jutsu!
Erika: REEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
(Victreebel is dead LOL)
Ivysaur: Wait... I took out Tangela! I... I was useful!
Red: Shut up, Ivysaur.
(Erika has banned PKMN Trainer Red from the chat)
Red: Hey, no fair!
Erika: I'm gonna cuss now! Because I'm a Loreal sponsor!
Red: That makes no sense.
Erika: I know- I had to mention my sponsor for fear of my death.
(Red left the chat)
Red: ALRIGHT! IT'S TIME... FOR A TRAINING MONTAGE!
(One Hypemoic Lion Tamer later...)
Red: Yup... let out all o' the angst in me! Yup, I'm good to go!
Charizard: I swear I wanna leave the Hidden Leaf Village right now...
Venusaur: Shut up, Charizard.
Charizard: Sorry.
Are you sure about this?
KaiserNeko: They'll never suspect a thing, buddy.
Meanwhile... in... somewhere...
Archer: Damn! That asshole writer hasn't mentioned us a single time yet!
Proton: He has now.
Shut up or I'll retcon the Chapters you were in.
Archer: Sorry.
Damn right, you are.
Looker: Bill's dead!
Red: Who?
Looker: Ya know, that one guy who sold you X Items.
Red: Be specific- the one from last week, or the one before that, or the one before that, or the one bef... ( has stopped working)
Blue: You guys! I got character development!
Looker: Who the beep are you?
Blue: ...yeah, never mind.
Agatha: Why I am here is beyond me. Just kidding, I'm vague and mysterious and I love metaphors!
Blue: Are you my Grandma?
Agatha: You wish.
Blue (disappointed): Awwww...
Chapters 10- 12
Some BS exposition... you can read them if you so choose... but finish this one first!
Fuji: Guess I'll die.
Proton: When did I get here?
Fuji: Depends- are your referring to your birthday, the day of your conceivement or the day you came here specifically?
Proton: DAMN YOU, INCEPTION!
(Fuji is dead LOL)
Red, Blue and Agatha: Hi.
Proton: No.
Looker (beaten to shit): H... Hi.
Proton: No.
Red: We are the power trio!
Blue: And we will stop you!
Looker: My butt hurts...
Agatha: No.
Proton: Yes?
Agatha: No.
Proton: No?
Agatha: Yes!
(An even match ensues...)
Agatha: You're strong...
Proton: Really?
Agatha: No.
Proton: I DON'T LIKE GUESSING OR PRONOUN GAMES!
Blue: This is very clearly an RPG.
Red: Learn your game, noob!
Proton: This isn't even my final form!
No. And that's two strikes.
Proton: Sorry. I'mma go now. Ciao!
Red: NO! I HAVE BEEN UTTERLY USELESS THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT BLATANT FACT! I AM A HERO! AND I WILL WIN!
(Red goes Super Saiyan!)
Vegeta: Excuse me, what the fu-
Red: KA... ME... HA... ME...
Proton: NANI!?
Red: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Proton gets disintegrated)
(Red tugs at his face)
Goku: Haha, I so fooled you all!
Frieza's Ship...
Red: Letmeout! Letmeout! LET ME OUT!
Goku: Yay, I made a shameless cameo!
Goku, get out of here! And take the short stack with you!
Vegeta: You basta-
PG13 for life!
Vegeta: NOT ANYMORE!
(The fanfiction's rating changed from K+ to T)
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
(random outro music pops outta nowhere)
I have no idea what the hell I just wrote! All I can say is that these will crop up after the end of every Arc! So I'll be looking forward to the next one LOL!
And now, about the canon info stuff:
PKMN Trainer Red
Badges: 3
1. Charizard (Ab: Blaze) Lv. 35
Flamethrower, Air Slash, Brick Break, Iron Tail.
2. Venusaur (Ab: Overgrow) Lv. 33
Seed Bomb, Sludge Bomb, Take Down, Razor Leaf.
3. Wartortle (Ab: Rain Dish) Lv. 33
Rapid Spin, Dig, Aqua Tail, Rain Dance.
4. Pikachu (Ab: Static, w/ Light Ball) Lv. 34
Thunderbolt, Iron Tail, Brick Break, Slam.
PKMN Trainer Assfar- I mean Blue...
Badges: 3
1. Blastoise (Ab: Torrent) Lv. 36
Aqua Tail, Rain Dance, Shell Smash, Rapid Spin.
2. Pidgeot (Ab: Keen Eye) Lv. 36
Fly, Wing Attack, Return, Quick Attack.
3. Kadabra (Ab: Synchronize) Lv. 33
Confusion, Psyshock, Disable, Recover.
4. Rhyhorn (Ab: Solid Rock) Lv. 31
Rock Blast, Stomp, Bulldoze, Horn Attack.