Chapter 20: Lo Siento Mucho

Had you been back home, storming off and shutting yourself from everyone else would have been as simple as disappearing into your tent and drawing its flaps down – but you weren't exactly home, you were in the middle of nowhere. John's tent didn't exactly allow you the privacy you so badly needed after Javier just announced to everyone, including John, that you lost your virginity to him in one of your drunken follies. Given where you were and what you had at the moment, storming off meant walking a few steps away from the group and then awkwardly crawling back to John's tent, burying your face in your makeshift pillow, as you let out internal screams.

"Dumbass. What's the matter with you?" Arthur smacked Javier in the head. "I'd ask you to apologise to the lady now, but you're drunk. You're only gonna make it worse, so you better sleep. In fact, I think it's about time we all hit the hay. We have an early day tomorrow." He said to everyone as he stood up, slightly struggling to balance himself as he too had a few too many.

"The next thing I want to hear from you is 'sorry' to [Y/N] first thing morning." Arthur's voice was stern. He held a finger up. Javier only responded with a tipsy nod before crawling to his bed.

John, on the other hand, was still fuming at this point. He had many reasons to be – Javier humiliating you, calling him a prick and a coward, all those moments when he could only silently watch you and him from afar, and on top of it all, for the scheming bastard that he is for seducing you to bed.

His first instinct was to go after Javier, grab him by the collar, and punch him straight in the face, as he so rightfully deserved. However, before he could make any move, Arthur may have read his mind as the older cowboy now stood on his way, a grim look painted across his face firmly telling John, 'Whatever you're thinking, just don't.'

His eyes narrowed, ready to protest Arthur's sudden intervention, but then for a second, he realised it might be for the best. There was no honour in beating a passed out drunk after all, but damn, Javier's not getting away that easy, John was resolute.

"Look at you idiots." Arthur made a jab at John and John one more time before retreating to his bedroll.

From where you were, Arthur's voice stood out; then it was followed by the solitary cracking of the fire against the eerie silence of the wilderness. Not hearing the voices of your male companions anymore helped calm your heart, and after a dozen tossing and turning, your eyelids felt heavier and heavier, your thoughts nonsensical. There was nothing left to do but freefall into sleep.

You woke up the next morning about the break of day, finding you were the first one up. You were slightly relieved as it meant some peace for you before you have to face everyone again. You took some ground coffee from Arthur's saddlebags. Fortunately, there were some and made coffee for everyone before pouring yourself a cup. At the very least, as a consolation, you weren't hungover this time.

After sipping the last few drops of coffee in your cup, you thought you'd get a head start on packing away John's tent for him.

"Let me help you with that." You heard Javier's groggy morning voice from behind.

'Of course. He has to be the first one up.' you took a deep breath and let out a restrained, "Thanks."

The two of you proceeded to take down the tent, which was much easier by the way than when you were doing it alone. Javier fixed his eyes on you, as you avoided his.

"I'm sorry about last night, Señorita." He said, his voice genuinely apologetic.

"I don't want to talk about it." You were quick to dismiss Javier. You were still mad at him for what he did, and you were not in any way prepared to talk things out just yet, especially not with the others around.

"I just really couldn't sit there and watch -"

"I told you, I don't want to talk about it… Please, just leave me alone, Javier." You pleaded with him.

You trusted Javier. The fact that you considered him as your closest friend since you joined the Van der Linde gang, made his actions last night, whether out of drunkenness or not, hurt even more.

That night with him was not a mistake. Sure, things couldn't get any more awkward between the two of you the morning after, but in all honesty, you never saw your first time with Javier as a mistake or looked back and regretted he was your first.

About a year ago, you were alone and lost, running with a group of people who were strangers to you then. You desperately craved for comfort and companionship, and Mr Escuella just happened to be there, in the form of him by the campfire all by himself and cradling a bottle of bourbon. What were the chances? You couldn't sleep, the others had gone to bed, the one on guard duty might have dozed off somewhere as you didn't hear a peep nor a rustle from anyone else that night.

Contrary to how Arthur and John (including Kieran) have imagined what went down that evening following the Mexican's revelation, Javier was actually gentle and caring despite his intoxication, and then passionate and raw, whispering sweet nothings in a language you barely understood as he reached euphoria in your embrace. Then morning came and many mornings followed that you eventually told yourself, it was never going to work out with you two. He had a thing with Tilly back then, plus it was no secret he enjoyed his whores as much as the next guy in Dutch's gang, then John Marston came along.

"Hey." John's voice intervened as he approached the two of you. "She said to leave her alone." He stared down at Javier, surprisingly sounding confident and more assertive this time upon hearing you dismiss Javier yourself.

After a few moments of tense silence, Javier looked at you one more time.

"Lo siento mucho, [Y/N]." He said before finally walking away, leaving you with John.

He asked you if you were okay. You nodded, then resumed packing away things in preparation for what remained of your journey home.

What was it then? Was it pride? Was it you cared so much about what John Marston would think of you after finding out you lost your virginity to his friend? Was the root of all the indignation directed at Javier your worry that John will like you less, or was it something else?

When you spotted a sign that said, 'Welcome to Lemoyne.' and when it felt noticeably warmer, Arthur announced you were near. "We ain't much farther now." He said.

John slowed Old Boy down a bit, and he turned his head to the side to ask you something.

"How about you and I go somewhere? There's a town just near our camp. You can get yourself cleaned up."

Now if only your virginity (or the lack thereof) had not recently been put into the spotlight, you wouldn't be suspecting John's proposal as anything that came with an ulterior motive.

"Alright, John. That'd be nice." You nodded, shaking away any internal dilemma you were having on his proposal. Although, you knew the people back at camp are worried sick about you, but you thought, here was the man you've been pining for the longest time with an invitation to take you somewhere nice. Also, you didn't want to run into Javier again back home.

John maneuverer Old Boy next to Arthur's horse, to tell him that you and he are going to take a little detour in Rhodes before heading to Clemens Point.