NOTES: A nice Barba/Benson friendship chapter this time (or not friendship if that's what you like. Read whichever way you'd like, I'll keep things ambiguous for now). As always your feedback is my fuel, thank you to everyone who takes the time to let me know how I'm doing haha! Hope everyone is staying safe. Enjoy!

Most of her bruises were gone now. Olivia twisted her head to the side as she stared at her blurred reflection in the mirror; it was foggy from the warm moisture in the air. Maybe it was this that made it easier to look at herself, this fog. Or maybe she was just getting used to the changes.

Olivia frowned deeply at herself, running her finger along the burn just below her jaw. She hated it. A small voice she likened to Dr. Lindstrom reasoned with her. It will fade, Olivia. You know that. The puckered skin was already starting to turn from an angry red to deep pink. She dropped her hand from her jaw with a scowl, anger flaring. Sure, fine. It'll fade. But it will still be there.

The prominence of this burn was mocking. She could hide the rest, cover them, attempt to pretend they weren't there. But this one… It was right there. It demanded her attention. She knew from prior experience how it would look when it was healed. Raised, pink, and just noticeable enough to remind anyone who knew her what happened every time they looked at her.

She tore her eyes from the mark and let her eyes wander downwards, recklessly following the reflection of a drop of water as it dripped from her wet hair and traveled along the curve of her collarbone. A part of her wondered if she was ready to really look at herself just yet.

It'd been a week and a half since she stumbled out of that cabin landing on her hands and knees in the gravel and until now, she hadn't dared to look at her body for any longer than she absolutely had to.

She'd discussed this with Dr. Lindstrom at their last session.

"I can't bring myself to—to look at myself. To really look at my body."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I… I don't want to look at my body and feel his."

"How do you know that would happen? Have you tried?"

"No. No, but that's not it. I also—I don't want to see the aftermath just yet."

And she still didn't want to. But then again... Olivia's eyes narrowed, stubbornness winning over her anxiety. She couldn't let that bastard win. She couldn't. Olivia dropped the towel wrapped around her body.

Her reflection was clouded but the condensation on the glass could only hide so much. The dichotomy between her pale skin and the multitude of dark red burns and scabbed over cuts and bite marks was jarring, forming a blurred mosaic of white and red. Olivia sucked in a breath, squeezing her eyes shut at the sight. Her legs started to tremble and she shook her head frantically, turning away from the mirror with a sinking feeling reminiscent of defeat, hating herself as she felt his hands on her. She'd been right to be anxious. She sunk onto the ground, wrapping her arms around herself as the memories took over once more.

Barba could tell something was off when she opened the door. Olivia's hair was damp, her shoulders tense. Her eyes were red and avoided his. Her hands were trembling. Even more telling, when she spoke, her voice was cold and curt.

"Why are you here?"

His eyebrows shot up, a little surprised. Every time he'd been with her so far, Olivia had been subdued and quiet, her exhaustion obvious. This anger was new. A part of him felt relieved. Lewis hadn't taken her fight.

"Since when do I need a reason?" he teased lightly, hoping humor would be the right move here. His stomach dropped as she glared at him. "Liv…" his voice became softer, almost pleading, "Please let me in."

Her eyes dropped to the floor. "Fine."

She stepped out of the way as he entered, his eyes immediately drawn to the blankets on the couch that she hadn't bothered to hide this time.

Olivia closed the door behind him. "I don't have a doctor's appointment today, Barba, you don't have to be here."

He turned to face her. "What if I want to be here?"

"Why?!" she cried, causing Rafael to jump a little at her sudden outburst. Her face was twisted with confusion and grief, "Why do you want to be here?" She brought her hand up to her face, rubbing at her eyes before she dropped it, staring the shocked man down. "Tell me. Is it pity? Is it guilt? Why are you here?"

His anger flared at her words as he scowled. "First of all, I could never pity you, Olivia," he spat out the word with disgust while she blinked in surprise at his vehemence. "I would think by now you'd know that." When her expression didn't change, his face softened at her continued confusion. His voice became gentle, "You are the strongest person I know, Liv. My best friend. To pity someone as strong as you would be disrespectful. So no. I'm not here out of pity."

He paused to let the words sink in before continuing, "As for guilt, yes. I feel guilty but—"

Her eyes flashed with anger as she interrupted him. "I kn—!"

"Liv! Let me finish."

When her eyes narrowed, he shot her a look and pressed on, "I feel guilty. Of course I do, it's my fault he got to you the first time. I should've put him away so he never got the chance to hurt you. But how could you say I'm here out of guilt?" Rafael looked hurt now and Olivia's heart clenched, "How could you think that? I'm here because I care about you, Liv, not because I feel some sense of—of obligation or something. You know that right?"

Olivia blinked back tears as he reached for her hands, careful of her healing wrist.

Her voice was small and thick with tears, "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's okay."

She nodded.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly.

She gave a noncommittal jerk of her head, shrugging. "I—I don't know." She paused, trying to find the words. When she finally spoke, her voice was rough, "I can't… I can't look at myself. Anymore. Not without… I just—I hate it!" Olivia's face was stormy again. "He burned me and cut me and—and bit me, and now I have to live with it. The scars won't go away."

Rafael's heart broke for her.

"You would think the larger burns would be the worst to deal with, and in a lot of ways they are, but at least they can be hidden. I don't know why the one on my jaw... hurts so much. I hate how you can see it." Olivia shook her head ruefully as she let out a bitter humorless laugh. "God it's so stupid. He held my burning badge to my skin for so long you can literally read my badge number on my hip and I care more about this one cigarette burn on my jaw."

Olivia absentmindedly rubbed at her wrist as her eyes grew distant.

The smell of her burnt flesh was nausiating but the worst of it was still coming. She'd seen the wire, her badge. Lewis glared down at her with those tongs and she squeezed her eyes shut out of sheer terror. His voice was dangerous. No. Eyes on me Olivia. She reluctantly opened them, it would only be worse if she didn't. He was towering over her lowering the tongs to her leg and then all was red. Pain everywhere. Every raw nerve screaming. Or was that her screaming? No god stop please, no, no, no—

"Olivia!"

Her eyes snapped open, her heart in her throat. As she regained control over her breathing, she vaguely recognized her cheeks were wet.

Rafael spoke softly, "Hey, hey come here," he motioned at her to sit on the couch. She allowed him to guide her there, tears blurring her vision.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—I'm sorry."

He waved her apology away. "It's okay Liv."

"Is it?" She ran her fingers along her jaw again, her self-conscious disgust clear.

As he knelt before her, Rafael weighed whether or not he wanted to say what was on his mind. The words spilled from his mouth unbidden before he could consciously decide.

"I think you're beautiful."

Olivia's mouth dropped open in shock. "What?"

"I think you're beautiful," he repeated, "Scars," he gestured at her jaw, "or otherwise." He seemed utterly unfazed by her surprise, though his cheeks were a little pink.

Olivia was at a loss for words, still gaping at him. She had not expected that response.

The sight of her battered body in that foggy mirror haunted her as she spoke, "But—"

"Stop that. I mean it." Rafael had that stubborn look on his face she knew so well and any disagreement she had died in her mouth. Fuck. He really meant it.

"Okay."

Silence fell over the two until Rafael pushed off from the floor, looking for her okay to sit next to her. She nodded.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, "How's your wrist doing?"

She looked at him with mild annoyance, "I'm fine Rafael. Can we not talk about me?"

"Okay," there was a pause before a crooked smile spread over his face. She looked at him curiously at the expression.

"What is it, Rafa?"

His grin grew, "Oh nothing…"

She turned her body to face him, wiping at any residual tears, "You're such a bad liar, Barba. What is it?"

"I think Fin and Rita are seeing each other."

Olivia startled. "What?!"

He turned to her with a mischievous grin. "Rita let it slip she has Fin's personal number."

His amusement was contagious and despite it all, she found the corners of her mouth twitching upwards. She poked at his chest. "You're making this up to distract me."

He gasped with an exaggeratedly wounded expression, "Never! I couldn't make this up. I only just remembered the other day when I saw Rita was opposing counsel for a case."

She was fully smiling now, "And you waited to tell me til now why?! You better not be lying!"

He shook his head, "To you? Never."

She gave him a soft smile that he returned with an embarrassed one of his own before he started up on this latest bit of gossip. Olivia listened with a lightness in her chest focusing on his excited gestures as Rafael enthusiastically speculated about their colleagues and friends. She didn't speak much only adding her own comments when he stopped to draw a breath. He ended up staying late into the evening that night, drawing more and more of Olivia out of her newly formed shell until she laughed like she used to.

Olivia would realize later that night hours after he'd left that Rafael had managed to do what the others couldn't seem to do; he'd listened to her, talked about him even but he still managed to helped her forget if only for an evening. For that she was grateful.