A/N: Next chapter! It's kind of a hodgepodge of things…
Gone
Chapter 17: It's Hard to Be Me
June 2005
1621 Local
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
"You should get out more, Commander."
Harm looked up from his desk to see a very pregnant Harriet in the doorway. It was her last day before she went on maternity leave, and with the way she looked today, he wouldn't be surprised if she ended up giving birth in the admiral's office once again. She and Bud were having a girl this time, and they were very excited. Harm was happy for them, but he'd nearly blown his secret when Harriet had told him about the sex of the baby…
Flashback…
"Good morning, sir."
"Good morning, Harriet. You're looking cheerful this morning," Harm answered as Harriet came up beside him. Her smile widened immediately.
"Did Bud tell you? We found out yesterday that we're having a girl!"
Harm stopped walking and caught Harriet's arm. "You are? That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you and Mac will be—" Harm cut himself off, his eyes widening in horror at his slip up. "I mean…she would be…would have been—" Finally, he just threw up his hands in defeat and hoped Harriet would think he was just living in a dream world.
"I'm sorry, Harriet."
Harriet rested her hand on his arm. "It's alright, sir." She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "You still think about her a lot, don't you, sir."
Harm nodded. "Everyday, Harriet. Everyday."
"Oh, sir…" she said sympathetically and gave his arm a squeeze. Harm covered her hand with his.
"It's okay, Harriet," he said, relieved when she nodded and went about her business.
Harm went into his office and shut the door. He actually had no idea if Mac would be happy they were having another baby, much less a girl. Okay, that wasn't true…of course, Mac would be glad for them, but it wouldn't be the same as it would have been before Paraguay. It would be so much easier if he could convince Mac that their friends regretted their treatment of her, but on the other hand, it must have been pretty bad if she'd felt the need to become a completely different person.
He didn't want to think about it, but his resentment toward his colleagues was growing.
Harm brought himself back to the present. He wanted to tell Harriet that he got out plenty because his monthly visits to Mac were all he really needed, but that wasn't even close to the truth. He didn't get out much; he rarely accepted invitations to join anyone from JAG at McMurphy's for a drink or the like, and he certainly didn't seek out their companionship…and seeing Mac only once a month wasn't ever going to be enough.
He gave Harriet a half-hearted smile. "I get out enough, Harriet," he lied.
"Really, sir? When was the last time you— "
"That will be all, Lieutenant," Harm said mildly, but it was enough to make Harriet blush.
"Yes, sir," she said crisply, and was about to turn around when Harm called her back. "Harriet?"
"Yes?"
"Enjoy your leave, Harriet, and I can't wait to see your little girl."
Harriet smiled brilliantly. "Thank you, sir."
"You're welcome. Dismissed." He grinned back at her, his smile faltering a bit when her expression turned serious as she gazed intently at him.
"What is it, Harriet?" he asked, wishing she would just leave him to his thoughts.
"Um, sir?" she asked tentatively.
"Yes?"
"What was Colonel MacKenzie's middle name?"
Harm's face warmed at her question and he was sure he was blushing, though he didn't know why. "Um…Jane. It was, uh, Jane."
Harriet nodded. "Jane…" she said to herself, then turned and walked away. Harm wondered for a moment why Harriet would want to know Mac's middle name, then shrugged and returned to his work. He had just a few more tasks to complete and then he would be off for the next two weeks. He was, of course, going to visit Mac.
Harm counted himself exceedingly lucky that he'd managed to see her once a month since September. If the admiral wondered why his chief of staff was taking more vacation days than he ever had previously, he didn't say anything; Harm figured his CO could very well think that he was using those to look for Mac, and that was fine with him.
Other than his week-long trip in October, Harm at most took two days and then the weekend to visit, and the time always went too fast. This time, however, he had almost half a month, and it was hard to keep his excitement at bay. First, he was going to fly to Montana to head to Glacier National Park with Mac. Then, he was going to fly to Pennsylvania and the farm and take care of a few things while Mac covered the store for Mary. She would join him a few days later and they were going to celebrate the Fourth of July together. Belleville always had a little festival with a fireworks show in the evening, and Harm had loved it as a kid. He hoped Mac would feel the same.
He also hoped Mac would feel the same about something else…
This time, he planned on bringing Mac's ring with him and he fully intended to propose. He was certain she felt the same about him as he felt about her; what he didn't know was how she would react to him asking her to spend the rest of her life with him. Obviously, the big elephant in the room would be the fact that she lived in Montana as Samantha O'Hara, while he was still just Harm stationed in DC. She'd made it fairly clear she had no intention whatsoever of ever setting foot in DC again. He honestly had no idea how to solve that issue, but he just couldn't wait any longer to ask her to be his. He would just have to hope things would work out…
Somehow...
0542 Local
Belton Chalet
West Glacier, MT
Mac rolled over in bed and snuggled into Harm's warm body. They'd left a window open and the air around them was now deliciously crisp. Harm, not yet completely awake, opened his legs for her and she slid one of hers in between. He immediately folded his leg over her hip, putting them in intimate contact with each other, but Mac was content to just be cuddled by him with her face buried in his chest. The hairs there tickled her nose as she pressed a kiss between his pecs, and she smiled against him.
"Morning, baby," he mumbled as he tightened his hold on her. "What are we doing today?"
"Besides this?"
Harm chuckled and Mac felt it rumble through his chest. "As much as I'd love to stay in bed with you all day, I'd like to see some of the park too."
"Yeah, me too." Mac thought for a moment. "Well, I checked and Logan Pass is open…we could drive up there…it's along the Continental Divide and Mary says it's gorgeous. There's some trailheads there too."
Harm lazily stroked his fingertips down her spine. "Sounds great," he said as she shivered.
"Cold?"
"A little…but that's not…ohhh, Harm…" Her words ended in a soft moan as Harm rolled her onto her back and covered her body with his. His trailed kisses down her cheek to her throat, then travelled back up to capture her lips in a passionate kiss. She felt him hardening against her core, gasping as he slid his hand in between them to massage her sex. She was already wet when one finger, then two dipped into her, and before long she was coming around them. As soon as she came down from her high, Harm was sliding his member inside of her, and they made love twice before they finally got up to shower and start their day.
2028 Local
Belton Chalet
West Glacier, MT
"I had a great time today, Mac," Harm said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. They had just finished eating at the Chalet's restaurant and were now starting the climb back up to their room.
"Me too, Harm. It was beautiful up there, wasn't it?"
The two of them had driven up the Going-to-the-Sun Road to Logan Pass and then hiked around the trails there. It turned out to be a beautiful day, though it was still cool up that high, and they were treated to magnificent views of the surrounding area. Tomorrow they planned to do a little more hiking, this time fairly close to where they were staying at the Belton Chalet, which Harm found delightfully rustic and cozy. The chalet was located right by the west entrance of the park, where there were a number of trailheads within a few miles of it. They were considering taking a boat ride around Lake McDonald which was also close to the west entrance. Mary had recommended this location, and so far, it had been perfect.
"It was, Mac. I loved it," he answered before they stepped onto a wooden landing. It overlooked the restaurant as well as the mountains and trees in the distance and before they took the next set of stairs, Harm led her to the railing. They stood there silently for a moment, Mac tucked into Harm's side, while nuzzled her hair with his nose and kissed her temple, waiting until another couple passed before he spoke again. "What was your favorite part?" he asked, rubbing his hand up and down her arm.
"Hmmmmm," she thought for a moment. "The views were spectacular, and I really loved the mountain goats."
Harm chuckled. "I'm sure. Is that what you really meant when you said you'd like to get married on a hillside with goats?"
"Maybe," she grinned. "Might be a little windy and cool there, though."
"I suppose so," he agreed as Mac suddenly yawned. "Do we need to get you to bed, sweetheart?" he asked, tightening his hold on her.
"Hmmmm…sorry. Somebody kept me up last night."
"Oh? Somebody kept me up too."
Mac looked up at him with an impish grin. "Oh, you were more than up, sailor. Many, many times…"
"I was, wasn't I," he quipped cockily.
"Think you can do it again tonight?"
Harm gave a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose. If I must."
"You must," she said archly, and Harm turned her in his arms.
"Then your wish is my command," he whispered just before he lowered his lips to hers.
The two lovers kissed passionately for several moments before Harm led them back to their room and their bed, and not long after they were making love again.
0343 Local
Belton Chalet
West Glacier, MT
Mac sat up in bed with a gasp. Her heart was pounding and she didn't realize it yet, but tears were slowly dripping down her cheeks. Her nightmare was fading quickly, but it still left her fearful and for some reason overwhelmingly sad. She reached for Harm but her hand only found emptiness, and then she felt truly bereft. The sobs came then and she buried her face in her hands.
Harm stepped out of the tiny bathroom only to be greeted by the sight of Mac sobbing in the middle of the bed. He rushed over to her and immediately pulled her into his arms. "Mac, honey, what is it? Sweetheart, don't cry…you're okay, I'm here. I'm here…"
Harm assumed she'd had a nightmare, but her sobs actually sounded more broken-hearted than scared. He continued calling to her and holding her, but it was many minutes before she finally calmed. By then he'd shifted them so they were stretched out on the bed, and Mac clung to him like he was her last lifeline. When all he heard from her was an occasional sniffle, he called her name.
"Yeah, Harm?" she answered shakily.
"What happened, Mac?"
She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I-I was alone."
"Honey, I just went to the bathroom-"
He was surprised when Mac actually laughed. "I know that, Harm. I'm not that needy. It was a nightmare."
"Paraguay?"
At that Mac's brow furrowed. "No…but I don't remember anything except I was alone. I had no one…like-like before…" Her voice faded away and she suddenly rolled away from him. "It was only a stupid dream…let's just go back to sleep, Harm."
"Maaac…"
"Harm, I don't want to talk about it. Just-just..." She threw up her hand in apparent defeat and he heard her sniffle.
"Mac?" he asked after a moment.
"What?" she asked irritably, but he could hear the undercurrent of tears.
"Can I just hold you?" He tentatively rested a hand on her arm, holding his breath as he awaited her response.
Finally, Mac nodded, and then he was gently coaxing her to turn over so he could fold her into his loving embrace. She fell asleep while he stroked her hair, and he stared into the night, wondering for the millionth time what had happened to her at JAG, and the smoldering anger he'd been feeling toward his colleagues grew.
Of course, that was nothing compared to the anger he felt toward himself.
I'm so sorry, Mac.
He vowed she would never be alone again.
1034 Local
Monarch Mercantile
Whitefish, MT
"So, what did you two think of Glacier?" Mary asked as she refilled Harm and Mac's coffee. They'd returned from the park the evening before and had come into the shop for a breakfast of pastries and scones while Mary filled Mac in on the happenings of the store. Mac would be in charge for the next three days and Harm would be flying back to Pennsylvania early tomorrow morning.
"It was beautiful," Harm answered, and Mac nodded in agreement.
"Yes…we'd like to go back again, maybe later this summer and spend more time there. We probably didn't even see a third of it," Mac continued.
"Yes, Dan and I go there every couple of years, and I think we've found something new to see every time."
The three chatted for a few more minutes, then Harm left the women to discuss their business. He looked around in the antique section for a while, and then he just watched Mac as she moved to greet a customer. She wasn't working per se, but it was just natural for her to step in and help out.
It was strange. He never thought she would be content to work in a place like this after her career as a marine and lawyer, but she actually looked happy. She smiled easily, laughed frequently, and he found himself smiling as he watched her move gracefully about the aisles.
"Don't worry, Harm. I'll give her back to you in a minute." Mary had come up beside him and he gave her a friendly smile.
"That's okay, Mary. She's enjoying herself." He nodded in Mac's direction.
"You know…" Mary said thoughtfully after a moment. "Sam's been a lot happier since you found her."
"Has she?" Harm asked mildly, but inside his heart thrilled a little.
"Oh, yes…I have to admit that I expect her to tell me any day that she's moving back with you."
Harm immediately sobered at her words. "I don't think so, Mary. She's been pretty adamant about staying away from there." He looked down at his shoes. "Can say I blame her," he muttered to himself, but Mary heard him.
"Harm? What happened there? What made her decide to leave everything she knew and move here?"
Harm shrugged sadly. "I wish I knew…the short answer is that the people she thought were her friends, myself included, let her down, and I for one will regret it until my dying day."
Mary gave Harm's arm a squeeze. "Well, clearly she's forgiven you…and maybe someday she'll forgive them too."
"I don't think that's going to happen," Harm replied, sounding more bitter than he had intended.
"Well, you never know…" Mary said noncommittedly, then turned her focus squarely on him. "Harm? How are you doing with this? I know you visit as much you can and that it's probably never enough for both of you and it's probably miserable to leave, but it has to be just as hard or harder to keep up the appearance that you still haven't found her."
Harm didn't want to think about that right now. It was hard, and he knew he'd grown increasingly surly at work. He missed Mac terribly and each time he had to leave her, it got worse. She'd been to the farm, but there was no way she'd come and visit him in DC, even if she never left his apartment. The flights this way were pricey, and while he could swing it, it did cut into the money he'd inherited from his grandmother's estate. He'd wanted to use that money solely to take care of the farm, but as he'd used most of his savings to finance his trip to Paraguay, he found himself using it for his travels as well.
"It is," was all he said, and Mary apparently took the hint that this wasn't a topic he wanted to chat about. After a moment, she spoke again, asking a question Harm had asked himself many a time.
"I wonder sometimes…I've always known there was more to Sam…Mac…than she told me when she first came here, but I didn't really expect to discover she was a lawyer and a marine to boot. Now I keep waiting for the day when she decides that this life is too simple for her. Even if she doesn't reveal herself to the world again, how long can I expect to keep her here at a job that's so beneath her abilities?"
Harm shook his head. "Mary…nothing would make me happier than to have Mac back there with me, but please don't doubt that she loves it here and loves this job—and I know there is nothing simple about running a business."
"Thanks, Harm," Mary said eventually. "Now, let me go get Sam and kick her out of here. I know you're leaving tomorrow and even if she'll see you again in a few days, I know she'll want to spend as much time as she can with you." With that, Mary moved away to encourage Mac to go with Harm to enjoy her last few hours here with him.
Harm was waiting outside the shop for Mac, who'd realized she'd left her keys by the register. It was another beautiful day in Montana, and he breathed deeply the fresh and clean air. He knew he was beginning to love this place as much as Mac did. He glanced through the window when Mac didn't come right back out, smiling to himself when he saw her chatting with yet another customer. Samantha O'Hara had certainly made an impression on this town. He was going to step back in and join her, but then his cell vibrated in his pocket.
"Rabb," he answered crisply, and he was immediately greeted by the sound of an enthusiastic Bud.
"She's here, sir!" he crowed. "Seven pounds, fifteen ounces, twenty inches long." It took Harm a moment to realize Bud was talking about his new daughter.
"That's wonderful, Bud!" No matter his irritation with his coworkers, a baby was always something to celebrate. "How's Harriet?"
"She's fine, sir. Just fine."
"Thank goodness. I'm really happy for you guys. Do we have a name yet?" He cast a furtive glance toward the shop window again and was relieved to see Mac still talking to the customer. He was surprised when Bud seemed to hesitate. "Bud?"
"Uh, yes…yes we do have a name." Bud sounded vaguely uncomfortable.
"Well, spill it, Bud. What did you name her?"
"Sir, uh…we didn't exactly know how to tell you this…but her name is Mackenzie. Mackenzie Jane Roberts."
"Oh…" was all Harm could get out. He was floored that they named her after Mac, and he couldn't wait to tell her.
Wait a minute…
Would she really want to know? Would it upset her, or would it help her realize how Bud and Harriet really felt about her? He didn't know what to do.
"I hope that's okay with you, sir. Sir?" He didn't immediately realize Bud was speaking to him again.
"Yeah, Bud…um, what?"
"I asked if it was okay that we named her after Colonel MacKenzie. It…it just seemed right, and we wanted to honor her memory, somehow…"
Harm hated that Bud spoke about Mac as if she were dead, but he was quick to reassure him. "Of course I don't mind, Bud…Colonel MacKenzie…Mac, will be…uh, would be…honored, I know it."
"You know what?"
Harm spun around at the sound of Mac's voice, and his heart sank and fluttered at the same time at the expression on her face. She had gone pale and there was a stony anger in her eyes.
"Harm? Did I call at a bad time? I'm sorry, you're probably with your parents. I'll let you go. Just wanted to share the good news."
Harm remembered that he'd implied he was going to be spending time in San Diego with his mother and stepfather. "No problem, Bud. Congratulations. I can't wait to meet her." Harm's eyes never left Mac's as he ended the call.
"Mac…"
She held up her hand. "Did you tell him?"
"What?"
"Did. You. Tell. Him?!" Mac practically shouted on the sidewalk and Harm looked around them nervously. Thankfully there was no one nearby, and he moved to calm Mac.
"Mac, calm down. Of course, I didn't. Bud just called…they—they just had a little girl."
Mac's eyes narrowed, but he could actually see her forcing herself to relax. "Oh…I—I'm sorry, Harm." She stepped closer to him, looking contrite. "Good…good for them." She started walking down the sidewalk and Harm hesitated a moment before going after her.
"Mac?" he called after her, and finally, she stopped. "I really didn't tell him anything." His eyes begged him to believe her. After a moment, her shoulders slumped.
"I know, Harm…I'm sorry."
Harm pulled her into a quick embrace. "It's okay, Mac. Let's go home, alright?" She nodded against him, and together, they walked back to her house.
2321 Local
Mac's House
Whitefish, MT
"Harm?"
Mac's voice split the night and Harm felt her warm breath on his cheek.
"Yeah, baby?"
"What, um, what did they name her?"
Harm had been dreading this moment since Bud had told him about the baby.
"You mean…"
"Bu—and Har—" He heard her swallow. It pained him that she couldn't even say their names. "Their baby girl…"
"Mac…" He reached over and grabbed her hand and held it in between them.
"Just tell me, Harm."
"Okay…"
"Harm?" she answered, her tone full of warning.
"Okay," he said again and sat up, flipping on the bedside lamp before he turned toward her. "Okay, It's, ah…Mackenzie. Mackenzie Jane," he said meaningfully.
"What?" Her breath was coming in quick gasps now and he reached his arm out to rest on her shoulder.
"MacKenzie Jane Roberts. They named her after you— "
"No!"
"Mac— "
"No," she said again. She shrugged his hand off and scooted away from him.
"Mac, please…they wanted to— "
"STOP IT!" she shouted, and suddenly she was scrambling off the bed and running for the door. She disappeared into the hall and before long, he heard her retching in the bathroom.
Harm ran his hand over his face and when he looked up again, Mac's cat was sitting next to him on the bed, staring at him with unblinking eyes.
"What am I going to do, Nic?" he asked, and held out his hand to the cat. If nothing else, they both loved the woman currently falling apart in the bathroom. Maybe it was time they became allies.
Ignoring the little voice inside that screamed 'he's just a cat!' Harm ran his hand tentatively over Nic's grey striped head. He was surprised when Nic climbed onto his lap and nudged his head under his hand again. Harm slid it over the cat's head and down his back, startled when the cat began to gently purr.
"She's hurting, Nic, and I don't know how to fix it," he lamented as he continued to stroke Nic's fur.
Unfortunately, Nicodemus didn't have any advice, and the two of them just stared sadly at each other until Harm got up to check on Mac.
End Chapter 17