Jade hadn't moved much since Beck had left. A nurse had been in with some breakfast which she'd picked at. Drinking wasn't so much of an issue, but she never seemed to feel hungry. Still, she'd eaten the fruit and some of the yoghurt to keep the nurses of her back, if nothing else. She'd returned to idly playing with the fur of Cat's beloved giraffe to distract her. More than once she seemed to have dozed off without actually falling asleep; she would notice the hands on the clock had shifted without her realising.
Jade hated it.
Her father's words were still replaying in her head on a continuous if random loop. She hated him too, or, at least she thought she did. Despite how he'd ended the conversation, Jade couldn't stop revisiting how he'd sounded when he'd told her she didn't make things easy for him, how he was trying to take responsibility for his failings. She now kept feeling a sliver of doubt within her; Was she part of the reason why their relationship had failed?
She tried to think back to nine-year-old Jade, the angriest little girl in her grade. Had she really made it so hard for her father to love her? Before the divorce, she'd heard her name thrown around in their arguments. When she was really little, she'd hidden under her bed with her hands clamped over her ears, trying to pretend she was anywhere else. Often, her mother would come up after the argument was finished and coax her out. She'd lure her out with the promise of ice cream, and they'd sit on her bedroom floor eating strawberry ice cream out of her mother's coveted fancy china bowls. Until one day, Jade's mother didn't bother to come up anymore and Jade would be left lying there for hours after, just waiting in the hope someone would come.
As she got older, she started to get angry. Angry at the fact she didn't have a normal family, as even then she could tell the difference between her parents and the other parents at her school. She'd channelled her anger and resentment into destruction, reaching for the nearest pair of scissors and unsuspecting notebook when the yelling started. Sometimes a notebook wouldn't be enough, sometimes she would reach for a shirt of her father's or a book of her mother's. The satisfying click of the scissors with the repetitive cutting motion made everything just about bearable until the shouting ceased and the uncomfortable quiet resumed.
When she'd started cutting up things, she'd got in a lot of trouble but overtime they ignored it, like they did everything else. The day her father left Jade had shut herself in her room and shredded the bottom of the curtains, after watching her father's car back down the drive. She'd gone into his closet and been halfway through cutting up his remaining ties before the first tear escaped her as she happened upon the tie she'd given him for his last birthday, in his favourite colours. She'd taken a twisted joy in cutting into as many pieces as she could. To this day, she didn't think he'd ever even noticed it was missing; she couldn't even remember him coming back to get the rest of his stuff.
She had shut herself back up in her room after that, lying on her bed and quietly hoping her mother would come up to her like she used to. With every passing hour her mother didn't appear, Jade had realised more and more that she couldn't rely on either one of her parents. It was the small hours of the morning when she stirred at the sound of her bedroom door opening, but she resolutely kept her eyes shut. She could remember her mother walking over to the bed and tucking the comforter in around her. She could remember the feel of her mother's hand as she'd brushed some errant hair off of her face. She could remember the almost too quiet to be heard voice as her mother had apologised to her supposedly sleeping form. Jade could even remember the surge of longing she'd felt, wanting to open her eyes and fold herself into her mother's arms but even then, she'd resisted; the first of many walls sliding firmly into place.
Things had never been the same after that. Her mother had started working longer hours, being out of the house at odd times. They had a housekeeper for a while who kept things ticking over, but she'd left after only a year; Jade suspected her mother had been too inconsistent with her wages. Slowly her relationship with her mother had fizzled down to the bare minimum and her father was practically unreachable. Now, sitting in her hospital bed, Jade couldn't help but let her mind wonder how much of this was her fault. She clutched harder at the soft fur under her fingers, feeling her chest start to tighten once again. She shut her eyes and tried to take a deep breath in, she held it for as long as she could finally letting it out in a rushed and painful exhale. It had achieved nothing. She drew her knees up closer, trying to move herself up the bed only to cry out in pain when she slipped and landed awkwardly, jostling her sling.
She stilled, waiting for the deep throb in her shoulder to subside somewhat. She was now lying in an odd position, balanced but only just. She felt another wave of frustration pass though her only for it to be quickly replaced by exhaustion. Everything was too much of a fight for her. Jade couldn't remember the last time something had come easily to her, and now she was all out of energy to care. She let her head drop onto the pillow, the rest of her body slumping into a still awkward but more stable position; the pain in her shoulder had settled to a dull roar. She idly thought about calling the nurses for some more pain relief, but the button lay just out of her reach and she couldn't bring herself to reach for it. The empty feeling from the previous day was creeping back in and this time she didn't even want to stop it.
When Beck walked in thirty minutes later, he was momentarily confused to see Jade's back facing him with what looked like one leg hanging off the opposite side of the bed.
"Jade?" He tried to announce his presence to not make her jump, but he didn't get an immediate response. Assuming she was asleep, he quietly approached the bed, taking a moment to get rid of his bag which was now weighed down with books and his jacket on the chair. Jade hadn't moved but her position was now making Beck frown.
'That cannot be comfortable' he thought, making his way to the other side of the bed only to be surprised when he found Jade was not only awake but almost lying on her broken shoulder.
"Jade, what are you doing?" he tried for a calm and measured approach.
Jade looked at him, eyes not giving her mood away.
"I got stuck" was her only explanation, and Beck had to fight not to smile.
"Need a hand?"
"No"
"Doesn't that hurt?"
"No" She answered to quickly, too emphatically for Beck to believe her even for a second.
"Come on" He reached out and grasped her good arm, allowing her to use it to pull herself up, albeit rather reluctantly. She all but shoved him off once she was righted, but Beck ignored it, all too aware that she probably wasn't in the greatest headspace. Instead he opted for settling back in the chair, pretending to occupy himself by sorting through the new books in his rucksack while really keeping an eye on Jade. As it was, Jade saw right through his attempts at nonchalance but swallowed her retort, too weary to care.
"Are you going to sit there all mysterious or share why you went to school for basically no time at all?"
Beck raised his eyebrows and pondered her words for a second. Her snarky attitude should have been a welcome return to normal, but there was something missing from it.
"I didn't think you would have wanted me to be gone for a long time?" He replied using the same calm tone as before. Beck was aware he was treading a thin line between not letting her get away with pushing him but also not pushing her too far himself.
Jade nearly snapped straight back at him, ready to counter his smart-arse comment by pointing out he didn't normally take into account what she wanted, but she held back. No matter how bleak everything felt, deep down she was grateful that he had come back so soon. Once again, she was reluctant to admit to herself just how much Beck's presence was keeping her from slipping completely into the empty void inside her head.
Jade purposefully schooled her features into what she hoped resembled a less angry and more irritated expression.
"You might as well just come out with it?"
"Come out with what?" Beck tried to play dumb but this time it was Jade who saw right through him.
"Who else knows?" Beck was caught off guard by the resigned tone, he had expected fury and indignation not a weary resignation.
"Well now Robbie, Lane and Principal Eikner" Jade flinched.
"Lane already knew as your dad rang the school, he cornered me on the way in"
"Wow, he really is trying to be parent of the year, I'm surprised he even remembered where I went to school" Jade's dark expression set Beck on edge, still ignorant as to the details of the conversation between the two.
"I tried not to go into too much detail" Beck broke the silence, suddenly overwhelmed with a need to reassure Jade he hadn't broken his promise completely. To his disappointment, Jade shrugged seemingly indifferent.
"It's not like it matters anymore" she picked at the threads of the bed sheet "Everyone was going to find out in the end" Jade yanked particularly violently, widening the hole that had been started just a few days earlier.
"They won't talk about it with anyone else" Beck spoke with a determined conviction, but his gaze was also distracted by Jade's handiwork.
Jade scoffed but didn't say anything further, still fiddling with the newly exposed threads.
"Lane said they're going to organise some stuff so you can do distance learning while you're recovering" Jade didn't react to this at all, the thought of something as normal as schoolwork seemed completely foreign to her now.
"And Cat wants to come and visit again" Beck let it hang there for a moment, unsure as to how Jade would react.
"Not today" Jade said quietly.
"No" Beck hurried "She didn't say anything about today, she just wants to see you".
Jade nodded slowly, tugging the threads more gently now. Beck watched Jade, somewhat encouraged by her lack of reaction and decided to test the waters a little further.
"They all wanted me to tell you that they're thinking of you".
Jade tried hard to supress her reaction to that, only an involuntary twitch of her eyebrow made it through. Beck frowned but Jade didn't care. She was still too hung up on everything that happened, the bitter feelings that they'd all quietly chosen Beck's side after the break-up; even Cat to some extent but for some reason she was easier to forgive. Maybe it was her wide-eyed innocence, maybe it was the long history between them or maybe it was the fact the Cat's life could be almost as fucked up as her own, Jade wasn't sure.
"Jade they do care about you" Beck wasn't willing to let it go so easily. He felt annoyed that Jade would be so dismissive but somehow, he was also desperate for her to believe there were people out there who genuinely cared for her.
"Is it too much to ask that I'm just responsible for my own feelings today? And not everyone fucking else's?"
Beck was thrown off by the bite that accompanied her words and quickly attempted to back off.
"Jade I didn't mean to make you feel-"
"I know" Jade cut across him, agitated "I know, but just not right now, okay?"
"Okay".
Silence fell again, and Jade tried hard to get herself back under her control. She hadn't mean to snap at Beck, but it was like she couldn't help herself; the minute he mentioned the others it had got under her skin far more than she would have ever anticipated. Of all of them, Beck was only trying to help, and she couldn't face the idea of driving him away now but at the same time the mention of the others had felt almost suffocating. Jade didn't understand it.
"So, you know the lights down at the intersection by Nozu?"
"What?" Jade was pulled from her introspection, blindsided by the sudden change in both topic and tone.
"The traffic lights by Nozu, you'll never guess who I saw while I was stopped at the lights"
Jade just stared at him.
"Four-eyed Arlo! I haven't seen him in so long I thought he'd found a new spot to inhabit".
When Jade didn't say anything further, Beck launched into a tale of the first time him and Jade had encountered four-eyed Arlo, a local spectacle-wearing hippie whose main past time seemed to consist of standing on street corners offering to read tea leaves, palms, tattoos, hairlines, stress lines and more; as far as Arlo was concerned if you had five bucks, then he would use something about you to get a reading. Jade and Beck had known of Arlo for a long time before they actually met him, he was something of a local celebrity. People joked about him but not unkindly, despite the fact that most of his predictions ended in doom, gloom and rather horrific deaths. Jade had been so amused by his display; he'd let him assess her future through the two pairs of scissors she had on her that day. Beck had declined but watched with fascination as Arlo did his thing and predicted an intricately dark future for Jade, which had made her smile all the wider in amusement.
Jade sat listening to Beck tell the story, trying to recall the day in her mind as he spoke but found that it was a little too much effort. Instead she just listened as Beck retold the story and then meandered from one topic to the next, upbeat but not annoyingly so. She knew what he was doing. He was running interference so she couldn't get lost in her own thoughts and it was working. He was just finishing a recollection of the first class they'd ever had with Sikowitz, which had been an eventful hour to say the least, when the door to the hospital room opened admitting a middle-aged woman. This women stood out as she wasn't wearing a nurse's uniform, but a long flowing skirt and blouse with her curly brown hair pulled into a loose bun.
"Jade West?" she asked in lieu of greeting
"Depends who's asking"
Jade looked her up and down, feeling an instant dislike for the woman.
"Jade" Beck admonished her but without any real intent. If anything, he was somewhat encouraged by her attitude asserting itself. The woman chose to ignore the exchange.
"I'm Dr Carolyn Williamson, I work with the hospital as a licensed psychiatrist with a specialism in trauma therapy".
Beck swore he could feel the temperature in the room drop with the woman's introduction. He could practically feel Jade shutting down next to him, the atmosphere now icy and hostile.
"They should have told you I'd be visiting today for an assessment".
Jade was now doing her best impression of a grey rock. Despite what she had said about maybe needing to talk to someone, every fibre of her being was screaming at the woman in front of her.
Carolyn didn't seem phased by Jade's lack of response; indeed, she came closer and thrust her hand out to Beck who waited a beat before shaking it lightly. Beck really did want Jade talk to a professional about everything, especially with it coming to light that she'd apparently been keeping everything inside for a lot longer than he originally thought. However, as he took in the woman in-front of him, he wasn't overwhelmed with a feeling of confidence. He knew you shouldn't make assumptions based on appearance but there was something about this woman and the way she presented herself that made him question how successful this would be.
"And who are you?" her tone was still brisk and business-like
"I'm Beck Oliver, her boyfriend" Beck shot Jade a look, but she didn't react.
"Ah, shouldn't you be in school?"
"They've given me permission for a leave of absence" Beck tried not to frown, but he wasn't sure what his school attendance had to do with anything.
"Well, this will probably take an hour or more so you should head off for the day" her tone brooked no room for argument, but Beck wasn't backing down that easily. He shifted so his back was to the newcomer and he was now facing Jade whose fingers had found the loose threads of her sheets again.
"Jade?" he asked quietly
"This isn't up for debate Mr Oliver" Carolyn interjected "These appointments are confidential"
"I'm not doing anything Jade doesn't want me to" he stated plainly without turning around.
"Jade?" he asked again, finding her eyes.
"You'll come back?"
"I'll wait right outside if you want" he could see the struggle in her eyes. The endless war between trying to squash her emotions and not wanting to be left alone in a room with a stranger when she felt this vulnerable.
She nodded almost imperceptibly, and Beck smiled at her, reaching out to squeeze her hand briefly.
"I must insist Mr Oliver, it's highly inappropriate for you to be loitering outside, listening into the appointment"
Beck felt his temper edging close to the surface, egged on by stress and lack of quality sleep, threatening to break his usually calm demeanour.
"Look, Ms Williamson, I understand you have a job to do but if Jade wants me to sit in the corner and take notes I would do, it is her decision" he stressed, taking a small amount of pleasure in the affronted-expression she was now wearing.
"As it is, I'll be outside doing my schoolwork, not listening in or loitering for that matter" he shook his head at the ridiculousness "The medical staff are happy for me to be here so I don't see why you think there is an issue". When she failed to respond, Beck gathered his bag and checked with Jade one last time.
"You know where I am if you need me" he said as he deliberately placed her phone into her lap. Without thinking he placed a kiss on her cheek before spinning on his heel to leave. As the door shut, he winced as he realised, he'd overstepped the boundaries again.
'Stupid, stupid, stupid' he berated himself, playing back the interaction in his head. He even now regretted getting smart with the therapist as surely it would only backfire on him. What if she stopped him staying overnight? He laid his head back against the wall, sighing deeply and shutting his eyes tightly. Kissing Jade's cheek had just felt so natural, he hadn't even thought about it as he put her phone down and she had tilted her head towards him.
His eyes snapped open.
She tilted her head.
The thought crashed over him a second time; he was certain she'd tilted her head towards him. The way she always used to when she was fishing for a kiss to her cheek or her head. It was one of those things that people didn't expect of Jade, for all her tough exterior she was a sucker for small gestures of affection. Was Jade acting on instinct as he was? Had she realised what she'd done? Or did she do it on purpose? Beck's thoughts were racing, caught between excitement and caution. He tried to calm them down, reminding himself that it wasn't really the time or the place. Yet, in some ways Beck couldn't deny just a small amount of hope for himself. Between the snarky response to the therapist and, knowingly or unknowingly, inviting affection there was hope that Jade was still in there somewhere.
In Jade's hospital room, the atmosphere had deteriorated with Beck's absence. Despite any motivation she'd had to actually speak to a professional was rapidly draining from her as she took in the woman standing in front of her. Jade could practically fill her anxiety rising, a growing hostility deep inside her as she looked the woman up and down. Her outfit was clearly designed to be non-threatening, a contrast to the formal and uniformed medical staff but it was having the opposite effect on Jade. It was as though everything about this woman was screaming at her to shut down, to say nothing. It was an almost visceral reaction and Jade couldn't explain it any more than she could fight it.
"As I was saying, my name is Carolyn and I received your referral from Dr Griffiths, who I believe is the doctor overseeing your treatment?" She looked at Jade, who gave nothing away.
"I'll be seeing you each day until we reach a point where I can come less frequently" she continued, her tone authoritative.
"In general, these sessions will last between one and two hours, although as today's is the first it may run longer".
Jade's face remained unchanged, a look of deep distrust. She couldn't imagine spending two hours every day with this woman.
"My job is to gain a thorough understanding of your particular issues and devise a treatment plan". Jade just stared at her.
Carolyn Williamson fought an internal sigh, recognising that the girl in front of her was not going to be an easy patient. Her file was sparse on exacting details, Dr Griffith's account having mainly come from other people, none of which were Jade herself which made sense now she was standing in front of the uncommunicative teenager. Carolyn moved to the empty chair, dragging it slightly so she could face Jade directly. Perhaps in retaliation, Jade directed her gaze towards the back wall. She chose to ignore it and plough on.
"I understand talking to a stranger is intimidating but everything you tell me is strictly confidential with the exception of if I believe you are a danger to yourself, others around you or in a legal capacity – do you understand?"
Still nothing.
"We're going to start off by simply reviewing the information in your file".
This piqued Jade's attention and she turned her head; she was unaware she had a 'file'; the very idea felt violating. What had the nurses and doctors been writing about her?
"You were brought in Friday afternoon with severe head wound and a broken shoulder, correct?"
Jade gave a short nod before she could stop herself. The file Dr Williamson was holding was less than ten sheets of paper thick, but Jade found she desperately wanted to know what was written on them. Encouraged by Jade's response, Dr Williamson continued,
"You received emergency surgery to stop the swelling in your head from which you are recovering well, although you are still suffering with intermittent, high intensity headaches"
Jade have a second nod of acknowledgement.
"You were brought in by Mr Oliver, who is also listed as your next of kin" This made Dr Williamson raise her eyebrows, she'd missed this particular detail in her preliminary reading of Jade's file.
"That's a bit unconventional, especially as he is also a minor" She looked at Jade, who didn't seem keen to divulge any information. Filing it away in her head for further investigation, she continued to read simply retelling Jade's first day in hospital from Dr Griffiths perspective, including the news of her mother's death.
"You've had a lot to deal with these last few days Jade"
Jade waited dutifully for the 'and how does that make you feel?' question, prepared to ignore it but it never came.
"Dr Griffiths has written that she was informed you sustained these injuries from an altercation with your mother, particularly as you had an additional injury that looked to be at least 24 hours old"
Jade's face split into a glare, completely unwilling to even discuss her mother with a complete stranger.
"She has reason to believe your mother has displayed abusive and neglectful behaviour to you over an extended period of time, would you agree with that assessment?".
'Yes' was the simple answer that Jade's mind supplied almost immediately, but the word never left her mouth. Jade could barely focus on the woman in-front of her as a deep shame filled her at the thought that the Doctor had been making these assumptions, maybe even talking to Beck. Now everyone was finding out how pathetic her life truly was.
Dr Williamson paused for a moment; Jade wasn't giving much away. The glare that had arrived so quickly had disappeared even faster, and now her face was impassive. Dr Williamson could see straight away that Jade had a long history of using emotional suppression and distancing to cope with her environment. This was not going to be easy.
"Your father has been generally uninvolved, following his divorce from your mother in 2004, so you would have been nine years old at the time?"
This time Jade didn't react at all, back to staring at the wall but with one difference as she had resumed fiddling with the loose threads. Dr Williamson spied it out of the corner of her eye but purposefully ignored it.
"Jade I need you to give me some indication here" Dr Williamson's tone became almost stern "I understand this is difficult, and I understand you don't want to talk but you need to understand that if you only talk to one person, it should be me".
Jade felt the familiar anger rising quickly inside her, except this time it was different to the past few days, fuelled by a strong bitterness as the Doctor's words. Did she really think she understood her situation so well?
"You seem to have everything you need to know in front of you" The words were stubborn, deflective and bordering on hostile. Indeed, Jade wouldn't have said anything at all, but she got the feeling Doctor Williamson wasn't going to simply leave her alone.
"Except I don't" Dr Williamson countered "These are cold hard facts; I don't know how they've affected you beyond the attitude you are currently displaying"
"And what attitude am I displaying?" Jade wasn't falling for that trick; she knew enough to know the Doctor was trying to provoke; to get her angry enough that she'd start to talk. Jade was angry, but she'd had many years of practice at harnessing the anger and redirecting it.
In retaliation, Dr Williamson raised her eyebrows, the anger taking her slightly by surprise as she had assumed Jade would continue ignoring and avoiding her enquiries, refusing to engage with her directly.
"Well you're angry and uncommunicative, you show all the classic signs of a person who supresses emotions that they don't want to deal with" Dr Williamson had decided to meet Jade's challenge "You also have developed a potentially unhealthy co-dependency with your boyfriend". Dr Williamson had spoken at length with Dr Griffiths about the young boy who featured in Jade's profile, somewhat concerned for his welfare as much as trying to understand his role in her patient's life.
Despite Jade's best efforts, the comments about Beck hit her hard. Notwithstanding the fact that her and Beck were technically no longer together, she really did appreciate how he had been since the incident. The idea that she had become dependent, or even co-dependent on him made her want to throw the stupid file right at Dr Williamson. As far as Jade was concerned, she wasn't dependent on anyone, that was basically her MO. Her whole life had shown her she could only really depend on herself. Right?
"I'm not dependent on Beck" Jade spoke before she could stop herself, although the words weren't completely directed at Dr Williamson.
"He stayed because he wanted to, he could leave any time" the anger had faded from her words, replaced by a quiet urgency as she tried to reassure herself. The thought of Beck leaving made her chest tighten unpleasantly.
Dr Williamson stayed quiet, studying Jade as she attempted to work through her thoughts. She had been trying to provoke a reaction but had actually been targeting something related to her parents. It was interesting that Jade had homed in on this particular detail, especially considering the wider context of her situation.
"I'm not dependent on Beck" This time she was firmer, some of her previous anger returning.
"Okay"
The reply was also designed to trigger a reaction and, unlike Dr Williamson's earlier attempt, this one hit its mark.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Jade started to raise her voice "You have no idea what my life is like, what I'm like and you can fuck off if you're going to sit there and pass judgment, pretending like you have a clue what's going on" Jade was breathing heavily now as she seethed, glaring daggers at the impassive face of Dr Williamson. She was all too aware that her head had started to throb again in earnest, reacting to the rise in blood pressure.
"I didn't say I knew who you were, but you don't seem to want to tell me, so I drew my conclusions like you asked me to" Dr Williamson was treading carefully, albeit masterfully hiding it behind an almost flippant tone. It was fine line with patients between getting them to open up and pushing them too far, making them unlikely to trust enough to open again.
Jade gritted her teeth, still glaring at her as she realised, she'd played straight into her hands.
"Jade, I'm not here to pass judgement on you, I'm here to help you get the help you need".
"I don't need your help" Jade snapped.
"Well the medical staff at the hospital disagrees with you, and I'm afraid their opinion is taken very seriously"
'Here we go again' Jade thought 'It's the same old story, what I want doesn't count for anything'.
Almost the same way someone flicks a switch, Jade felt herself checkout. Her gaze drifted back to the opposite wall, faltering only slightly as her gaze crossed over the door and she saw a swish of brown hair outside the door. Her insides lurched before she frantically squashed it down, refusing to acknowledge the reaction, as her brain taunted her that she was only proving Dr Williamson's point.
Dr Williamson tried several times to refresh the conversation, but Jade refused to engage; it concerned her more than she could show, wondering if she had pushed too far too soon. She went through the rest of Jade's file to no avail, with Jade acting as though she wasn't even in the room, let alone rehashing the details of what had happened to her on the previous Friday. After just over an hour, Dr Williamson decided it was time to call it a day and that maybe Jade would benefit from some reflection time.
"We should leave it here for now, I'll be back tomorrow though" Jade remained unresponsive.
"Jade, I know you don't feel like it at the moment, but you will never be able to heal unless you start talking" Dr Williamson stood, trying to capture Jade's attention but was ultimately unsuccessful. "It's something you should think about".
Beck hastily re-opened his textbook as he heard footsteps approaching the door as Dr Williamson made her exit. She used the guise of leafing through the file to avoid interacting with him as she walked off down the corridor and, no sooner had she turned the corner, Beck was shoving the book back into his bag and returning to Jade's room. He hadn't heard most of what was said, although he did feel a little ashamed after he had been so clear that he had no intention of eavesdropping. He really had tried to focus on schoolwork, he'd even text his mom to bring her up to date and thank her for ringing the school but the minute he heard Jade's voice raise, his good intentions had been shattered. He still didn't know what had caused her to almost shout, but he had heard his name thrown around, so he assumed it wasn't good. Jade didn't look up as he returned to his chair, but he noticed almost immediately that her fingers on her good hand were bright red and the sheet had a considerably larger hole than earlier. Even now, she was still alternating between tugging on the threads and wrapping them around her fingers and tugging again.
"Jade?"
He wasn't surprised when she didn't react, but it didn't stop his stomach from dropping slightly. He didn't expect her to react brilliantly to the shrink, but he had been hoping it wouldn't be this bad. He had never really seen her go into herself like she had since the incident, sure he had known her to throw a mood or attempt the silent treatment, but this was like something else entirely. As it was, he had down a cursory google search for some tips and context on Jade's behaviour. It all seemed to agree that in the immediate aftermath, not to put pressure on the victim; he knew Jade would have hated to be called a victim, but the advice seemed to make sense to Beck. He settled back into the chair, pretending to be content to wait until Jade was ready to talk. His only slight indulgence was to pick up the hand that was still, almost obsessively, tugging at the threads and hold it in his own. She gave an involuntary twitch but nothing else, including no attempt to remove it. Beck gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, hoping she'd come back to him soon.
Unknown to both of them, Dr Williamson lingered outside the room, standing at an angle so as to peer through the window without minimal risk of detection. She needed to understand more about the relationship between the two, and the role Beck played in Jade's life. She studied Beck's interaction with interest, the way he picked up on her signals before even speaking her name but also the defeated body language when Jade didn't respond. She was surprised Beck was able to hold her hand without Jade reacting, no longer convinced Jade's unresponsiveness was purely active avoidance but perhaps disassociation, a recognised although not all too common symptom of PTSD.
Dr Williamson frowned as she watched Beck watch Jade, her concern now extending to him although there was little she could do as he wasn't under the hospital's jurisdiction.
'Still' she thought 'That might become a conversation at a later date'.
She carefully backed away from the door, keen to avoid sudden movements which may bring attention to her observations. She finally headed off down the corridor to find and brief Dr Griffiths.
The first thing Jade was really aware of was the warm feeling encompassing her hand. After some time passed, although she wasn't sure how much, she realised it was the sort of warmth she'd come to associate with someone holding her hand. Beck, her mind supplied. She slowly started to become more aware of the room around her but with a degree of confusion; when had the irritating head doctor left and Beck returned? She blinked a few times, trying to work out how much time had passed. The clock on the wall showed it was just after 1pm, lunch time she realised after a moment's thought. She gingerly turned her head to look at Beck who was engrossed in tapping something out on his phone with his free hand. As such, it took Beck a moment to realise he was being watched and looked up.
"Hey, you're back, how are you feeling?" His phone was almost immediately forgotten as he turned his full attention to her, a small smile appearing on his face.
However, Jade was confused at his words.
"Back? I didn't go anywhere, did I?" She couldn't remember leaving the room, but she supposed that might explain how she missed Beck returning and the other woman leaving. Beck's smile faded replaced by a tight concern.
"Well you didn't go anywhere exactly but you've been sort of out of it". Jade looked at him, brow furrowing, she couldn't really remember much beyond a roaring in her ears that had made it kind of hard to focus. If she really concentrated, she thought she could remember Doctor Williamson talking to her but after she'd accused of dependency, she couldn't really remember what was said.
"I think I'm losing my mind" It was more to herself than to Beck, but Beck squeezed her hand a little tighter, nonetheless.
"You're not Jade, I think this is all part of experiencing trauma" Jade physically winced at the word trauma, it seemed like such an exaggerated word.
"How can you say that?" Beck was astonished but Jade hadn't even realised that she'd muttered her thoughts aloud. Beck suddenly became agitated, the same feeling he'd experienced in Lane's office but this time it was almost on her behalf as opposed to his own.
"Jade you nearly died, and your mother overdosed and did die, and your father has once again proved that he has all the paternal skills of a saucepan, like how can you even think trauma is an overreaction here?"
Jade blinked, still struggling past the saucepan metaphor, as she took in Beck's clear outrage. His hair was sticking up as he'd brushed a hand clumsily though it, his eyes open wide and his eyebrows raised. Before Jade knew what was happening, a strangled sound escaped her; a laugh, she realised belatedly.
Beck just stared at her as a second sound escaped her, her hand involuntarily raising to her mouth to stifle it. Beck found he couldn't fight the corners of his own mouth quirking before a full belly laugh escaped his own mouth. It was complete madness to them and to anyone else, had there been anyone else present but, in that moment, they just couldn't stop.
The laughter only lasted for a few seconds but in some ways, it felt like hours, subsiding as Jade's head started to protest the vigorous movement and reduced breath intake.
"I think that was inappropriate" Jade mused although she didn't sound in the least bit regretful "I'm definitely losing my mind".
"I think it's all part of it too, loss of emotional control" Jade quirked an eyebrow but looked vaguely threatening,
"I'd stop right there, Beck" Her voice was neutral enough, but Beck knew a warning when he heard one, and he didn't want to spoil the lighter mood that the laughter had brought. The quiet was comfortable for a moment before Beck realised, he was going to have to break it, one way or another.
"I take it, it didn't go well with Dr Williamson?" Jade's expression darkened almost instantly.
"I know you don't like her, but it's her job to help". His words did nothing to soothe Jade, who had felt the anxiousness spike alongside the anger at the thought of the Doctor's promised return.
"She was rude" Jade bit out, cringing slightly at how childish it sounded.
"How was she rude?" Beck was trying to tread carefully, not wanting Jade to feel she had to divulge private details, but he was still anxious to understand how his own name had come up.
"She just was, okay?" Jade felt her heat beat faster, why didn't anyone listen to her?
"Okay" Beck backed off
"I don't get why I don't get a choice"
"What do you mean 'a choice'?" Beck questioned carefully, well aware that she probably wouldn't like the answer as to why teenage trauma victims couldn't choose their own treatment options.
"I don't want to talk about it, especially not with a complete stranger" Jade ground out, her fingers scrabbling for the bed sheets again. Beck noticed the action and frowned but resisted the temptation to intervene.
"You said the other day that you thought talking to someone might help"
"Well I was wrong" Jade said flatly, her fingers now resuming the abuse of the hospital sheets.
"So, what are you going to do? I mean, she'll be back tomorrow, right?"
"I'm not talking to her"
"Jade I think you have to"
"There you go again" her voice was raised and angry "I don't have to do anything".
Beck thought he was beginning to get a better understanding now. His research, while it was admittedly brief, had covered key signs and symptoms of PTSD as well as common thought patterns and feelings, and the feeling of being powerless was a key theme. He tried to see things from Jade's perspective, her life had been decimated overnight, she had years of abuse that had gone unnoticed and even now things had been noticed she had far less agency than before. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, frowning as he wondered how they could get past this. It was when his hand hit something that rustled that he had an idea.
"How about a compromise?" he said suddenly, catching Jade off guard.
"What do you mean?"
"Well" Beck swallowed, wondering whether Jade would actually go for this "If you see Dr Williamson in the morning, and she does her thing, diagnoses you or whatever, and then you can ask to choose your own therapist"
"I don't want any head doctor" Jade replied stubbornly "Anyway who would I pick?"
"Lane"
"No way" Jade shook her head firmly, barely wincing as the pain laced through again.
"Wait a minute, I did say compromise, isn't it better to talk to someone who already knows you?".
Jade's glare remained in-tact, her face set in disagreement.
"Look, he gave me his phone number before I left and said if either of us wanted to talk to call him, at any time" Beck pulled out the bit of paper, showing Jade he was telling the truth. He could have sworn he saw her expression shift slightly.
"Just, think about it" Beck reasoned "Please?".
Jade nodded, her eyes now focusing on the crumpled paper which Beck set down on the side. He wasn't sure if it was progress or not, he didn't even know if Lane would be an option but at least it gave her something to think about. If she really didn't want Lane, it might make Dr Williamson look like the better option anyway. Try as he might, Beck couldn't quieten down the worry at Jade's continuous zoning out, especially as she didn't always seem to know she was doing it. His thoughts were disrupted as an orderly entered with a trolley, containing what Beck assumed was left of lunch after everyone else on the floor had been served. None of it looked particularly appetising but Jade hardly noticed, her gaze still fixed on the flimsy scrap of paper resting on the bedside unit.
Sorry it's a day later than usual, I struggled to get this one going in the middle and I'm hoping it's come across okay. Things are moving back and forward for both Jade and Beck, but they're still hanging in there.
Thank you very much to everyone who read the last chapters, and those who left reviews. Please carry on sharing your thoughts on the story, I really appreciate it.