Chapter 14: We've Got Tonight

Rachel's POV:

I don't know if Cassandra's idea for us to break up was honestly the best decision, how was that supposed to get my emotions all straightened out. I was in love with Cassandra, Quinn would probably be out of my life at the end of this week when she headed back to Yale. Santana should just end up with Brittany, but Brittany was being difficult. I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew is I couldn't live without Cassandra in my life, so I hope all this confusion goes away, we can all be honest with each other and move on. And I could spend the rest of my life happy with Cassandra. I wanted a future with her, I'm trying to remember that Santana and Quinn are in the past, but it wouldn't be so easy, not if Santana ended up living here, but I mean New York was a pretty big city. Maybe all of this was my chance to say goodbye to the past and remain in the mindset of my future, my future with Cassandra. That was my focus.

I needed to be with Cassandra, it might not make sense to anybody but me, but we made each other into better people, I made her into an amazing person. I couldn't let my past romantic interests get in the way of what I've been spending my last year focused on, being molded into this strong woman who knew what she wanted.

It was a pretty relaxing day with it being my day off, I spent most of it in my room while the other four were out in the city. I just needed to be by myself, me, my nice bottle of wine, and my thoughts. Everytime I closed my eyes for a little bit I get glimpses of my past with Santana and sometimes images of my night with Quinn. My brain was jumbled up and I swore it was getting worse the more I drank. I wish this day went better and wished that I was with Cassandra this evening. I missed her a lot already.

I look at my phone and sigh, if me and Cassandra weren't busy or together in the same room we would usually keep on texting each other, I haven't gotten a text from her since I left her place this morning. What if she was getting out there, enjoying her moment of singleness? What if she was with Brody? What if they were having sex right now? Why would she do that to me?

I picked up my phone and called her. I waited for her to pick up, but she never did. It went to her voicemail, I smiled listening to her voicemail, hearing her voice, "Thanks for calling, since I'm not answering it means I'm busy with work, or busy with my girlfriend, please leave a message if it's important."

I just hung up the phone I couldn't leave a voicemail, I would sound miserable and she would get upset. I drank more wine, and sighed, curling up in bed and dozing off, or I tried when I heard a knock on the door. I get up, not really wanting to, I go answer the door I look up and there is Quinn.

"Hi Quinn, where is everyone else? I thought I gave you a spare key," I watch her walk in.

"Santana has it, they are nearby at this karaoke bar, I didn't feel like hearing people sing. Brittany told me you and Cassandra broke up, I wanted to come check on you," Quinn looked at me, concern in her eyes, as she hands me a to go container. "I thought I'd bring you home a vegan pizza."

"I'm fine, it's all fine," I waved her concern off. "And thanks for the pizza," I go to sit on the couch, looking at her to join me, so she did.

"I'm worried about you Rach, I hope everything will be okay."

I shrug, "I don't know why I'm so upset, I know Cassandra meant well with the break up but it still makes me feel bad." I turn to her. "And I mean I haven't lost her for good, but what if I decide she's not what I want, or what if I decide I want her and she decides to not want me back? I don't want to deal with more heartbreak then I already know what to do with."

"I'm sure she'll want you back Rach, she'd be an idiot not to," Quinn smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Your words are so comforting. I don't exactly know what she wants me to figure out. I love her, shouldn't that be enough. I'm scared of losing her, I already lost Santana and you, I can't lose Cassandra too."

"You didn't lose me Rachel, I mean I could see how you would think that," she put my hand on mine, but I pulled away.

"I don't want to do what I did this morning Quinn, I don't want to kiss you again. Why are you always here when I'm so sad? It's like our forces are pulled together whenever I'm feeling emotional. And why does my mind go back to Santana? All the times we had together? I want all of that back, I want the feeling of love when there was no confusion, before distance got in the way of my relationships with people I really care about. I want Santana, I want you, I want Cassandra, I'm in love with Cassandra. I just want to go back to last week when everything was so clear for me."

Quinn sighed, "I'm sorry we all came back and now you're confused. I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have wanted to see you."

I shake my head, "Don't say that Quinn it's nice to be wanted, to want to be seen, I just wasn't expecting any of this, and it's a lot on me. When I was with Santana I knew what I wanted, it was so simple. I wanted you but ignored my feelings and I had a great time with Santana. I found a love in her I was always secretly expecting with you, then when I got you for one night I woke up feeling abandoned and unloved just like Santana made me feel when we broke up. Why does she make me feel so bad for breaking up with her? She's not even aware of what she does to my judgement. Why can't I stop talking about Santana when I'm here with you?"

She looked at me with so much concern in her eyes, "Rachel, I think you should go lay down and get some rest."

I look at her and shrug, "I guess so, but can you do one thing and lay down with me?"

Quinn nodded, "Sure, we can talk more when you wake up," she got up and grabbed my hand leading me to my bedroom. I plop down on the bed and laid down, Quinn does the same. I pull her into my arms.

"Goodnight Quinn, thanks for having a talk with me, I really appreciate it."

"Anytime Rach," she kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes, snuggling against her chest.

Santana's POV:

Quinn ended up ditching us to go check up on Rachel, I didn't know how I was feeling at the moment. We made it home a few hours after Quinn left. Kurt and Brittany were both really tired so they had no problem falling asleep. I didn't feel like going to sleep, I was curious as to where Quinn and Rachel were, I head to Rachel's room and they both were sleeping, snuggled up together. I felt a little upset and jealous that Quinn was holding Rachel and I wasn't.

I went to leave and I see Rachel wiggle out of Quinn's arms to stretch. She looked at me, sitting up, "Santana, what are you doing here? Did you get hired at the diner?" she asked and I shrugged.

"I'll find out tomorrow at some point I was told. I was worried about you today, you didn't stay at the diner with us for long. Brittany looked sad all day, karaoke cheered her up, so that's good. How are you feeling?" Believe it or not, I was concerned for Rachel.

"I'm doing alright, I'm still upset about everything going on. I haven't been so confused in a long time," she looked at me with her sad eyes.

"You don't have to feel so confused Rachel, I'm moving on and trying to find my own happiness. Like you found with Cassandra, or claimed to have found it with. You know if you really loved her you wouldn't be confused. Part of me thinks you were just using her to get rid of your feelings for other people but I wouldn't exactly know, now would I?" I shrug, and she looks at me, getting even more pouty, I notice Quinn move in the bed and stretched, almost whacking Rachel in the face.

"Oh hey Santana, hope you guys had a good time at karaoke."

"We did, sorry you had to miss it to hang out with Rachel."

Rachel looked at me and then Quinn, biting her bottom lip. "Quinn, Santana and I have to talk, would that be alright?" she asked and Quinn looked at me.

"That's fine, I'm sure you don't remember rambling about her earlier, but you two really need to have a talk," Quinn got out of Rachel's bed. "Good night Rach, Santana," she glared at me a little before leaving, closing the door behind her.

Rachel looked at me once Quinn was gone. "I do love Cassandra, sure I've had a past with you, it doesn't just go away no matter how hard I try to get rid of the memories in my head, but I would never use Cassandra she means a lot to me. I just hope you can be happy for me. Truly happy."

"I am happy for you Rachel, or at least I'm trying to be. It's not easy to hear you talking about your love for other girls, what we had was the most realest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I have been meaning to ask though, what has been going on with you and Quinn?" I looked at her and she frowned.

"I slept with her a couple of weeks after we broke up, she came to visit and I was sad and her being that close to me was confusing and comforting. She left before I woke up the next morning and I had been heartbroken. You know how I felt for her in high school, moreso before we started dating. That's also why I'm so confused, she said she loved me and she always will. I know she missed her chance in the past but she's here now, you both are. But she will be back at Yale, and you'll be staying in the city."

I just look at her, "You aren't the only one who slept with Quinn, I kind of did the night of Schue's wedding, it didn't mean anything to either of us, I actually try not to bring it up because it wasn't one of my best moments."

"You slept with Quinn?" she asked in complete shock, "I didn't know I made you that upset at the reception. I didn't think me bringing my guest could have you so upset, but I guess that I was wrong, just like with everything else."

"Don't feel bad Rachel, especially since we both slept with her. I don't like you being so down on yourself Rach. Remember in high school when Quinn had figured out we were dating, you were so miserable that day, blaming yourself for making her upset when it wasn't your fault she was never honest about you and her feelings." I sigh, looking at her. She wasn't the girl I fell in love with, she was more serious and more mature but she still had struggles, she was still human and I loved her for it. I love how she has changed in her adult life, but there was still a part of high school Rachel that was in there. And for that I think I loved her even more, she seemed more human though.

Rachel sighed, laying down in bed, "I'm tired of upsetting everyone, I'm tired that I end up hurting myself in the process. I just want my brain to shut off and things to go back to normal."

"Well, when was anything ever normal?" I asked, taking it upon myself to lay down in bed with her.

"When Quinn didn't admit to feeling things for me, when you guys didn't come visit, I was finally moving on, and now I'm stuck in this rut. It would just be so much easier if you both stopped loving me. I can't even love Cassandra properly, if I could love her properly, I'd be with her right now, no confusion, just, normal."

"I can't just stop loving you Rachel, trust me, it pains me everyday I'm not with you, it pains me knowing you have feelings for Quinn still and that you love this Cassandra person. It hurts that we can't be together, I hate that I had to lose you, if I could go back I would, I would have fought harder for our relationship to stay together. We could be spending the rest of our lives together. Look at me, now I'm crying," I sat up, wiping my cheeks, I promised myself I wouldn't break down in front of Rachel, I was supposed to be moving on. I had to let her go. "I'm not good enough for you Rachel, neither is Quinn, she was right you need to be with Cassandra." I couldn't believe I was saying these words, I had to give up, "I have to let you go. You made a future for yourself here in New York. You got to where you wanted to be, you're finally working in Broadway. I can't stand in the way of your happiness anymore."

Rachel just sat up to look at me, she didn't look like she was going to say anything. She leaned up and before I knew it she pressed her lips softly against mine. I shouldn't have let it continue, but I never thought I would ever be kissing Rachel again, I wanted to be selfish, plus she was technically single and could do whatever she wanted, even if the thing she wanted to do was me. I smiled into the kiss, running my fingers through her hair, I was surprised when she put her arms around my neck and pulled me down so I was on top of her. This felt so foreign yet so familiar at the same time, I knew I had to stop kissing her so I pulled back, and laughed when she whimpered.

"You know it's hard to let you go when you go and kiss me like that," I told her and she smiled.

"Well you were being all in your feelings, and I just couldn't help myself. Do you really want to let me go so easily? You wanted to go back in time and fight for me, well what's wrong with fighting for me now?" she asked, biting her bottom lip.

"You make a valid point, but you love Cassandra, don't you? I can't let us get into this again Rachel." I was having doubts of where this was leading.

"Yes I love her, but she wants me to figure things out, so that's what I'm doing, I can't just ignore you when you are in your romantic feelings. And well if you really want me to move on, I accept that, but shouldn't I give you a proper goodbye?"

I look at her and shrugged, "I guess, we never really got one now did we?"

She shook her head, "No that we didn't. But if you don't want this to lead to sex just let me know, and I'll respect that. After all you did respect me enough in high school to not pressure me into sex we just let it happen."

"Your first time was really special, wasn't it?" I smile, flashing back to that day, the first time I fully got Rachel. I noticed that I was still on top of her. "Let's have that proper goodbye," I lean down and press kisses against her neck. She tilted her head to give me more access. This was going to be a very enjoyable evening, the real question was will this be a real goodbye or will this start things back up again? I didn't have time to think about that right now, my focus right now was Rachel Barbra Berry, and I was going to give her the best damned night of her life.