17.

I get home the next day and find Rose sitting at the table.

If I couldn't concentrate before I talked to Edward, after seemed to be ten times worse.

"Being an adult sucks," I say, putting the envelope in front of her.

She watches me for a few seconds before picking it up. "You're just figuring this out now?" she asks with a laugh. I watch as she reads over the papers. "Oh, fuck," she says, completely surprised.

"Yeah."

"Are… this is what you wanted, right?"

I startle because I can't believe this was something she'd think I'd want.

"Want? This?" I stand up because every ounce of me feels like a live wire.

Does he think this is what I want?

"Oh," she says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. "So, you just want him to be stuck in some weird in between. You can't forgive him, but you won't let him go, either?"

I have never thought of it this way.

"Bella, he did what you asked him to, but this has gone on for way too long. You're not the only one who has been hurt by any of this."

"Why now?" I ask, deflated. "Rose, is there someone else?"

She rolls her eyes at me but all I can think about is him and Tanya at the wedding.

"Why does it suddenly matter now, Bella? Is it because it isn't your choice?"

I wait for her to continue but she changes her tone. She is concerned now. "Hey, I know this is hard, but you need to figure out what it is you really want. I love you and you're stuck with me, but he is my family, too."

I see the pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry I keep putting you in the middle of this," I say, sitting back down.

"It's okay. If this one is anything like her aunt," she points at her belly, "I'm in trouble. The practice is nice."

I let out a laugh, but I'm suddenly sad. She has always been there for me, and I miss her being my friend. I wipe my eyes and take in the moment.

She nods. "Hey, he's in town for a few more days. Call him"

"Thanks, Rose. For everything." I stand up and walk to my room.

Sitting at my desk and I stare at my phone, trying to figure out if I should really do this.

I think back to the words Edward said to me today when we talked.

Sure, he told me his side of things, but where does it leave us?

Should I sign them?

Do I want to?

With a deep breath, I pick up my phone and hit send next to Edward's name.

He picks up on the third ring, "Bella?"

His voice is weary, and I'd be lying if hearing him say my name doesn't stir something in me.

Loving him was never the problem.

"I… Rose told me you were still in town. Is it okay to come see you?"

I wait, holding a breath for him to answer. I hear his muffled voice, but then he says, "I'm actually at our… the apartment." His apartment, the one we lived in before we left for Spain. "You can come by whenever you want."

The memories of that place, things we did together and the plans we made... it all seems so far away.

"I'm on my way. See you soon."

I grab the divorce papers and I make my way over there, knowing after this there is no going back.

.*.

"I know you said you needed time, but I'm back home. I love you. Please always remember that."

His voice is the epitome of sadness, but I delete the voicemail and go to the next one.

"You can't even talk to me like an adult? We have shit to work out. Fuck."

He's angry, but this gets deleted, too.

"It's me, again. I'm sorry about earlier… I just.. Tia asked about you. I'm assuming you're not talking to her either. I just wanted to know if you needed me to send you anything. I miss you, Bella. I don't expect you to answer anymore because I know that you won't."

He's deflated and resigned. Two days later, pictures, clothes and my camera show up at Rose's apartment.

I throw it in the hall closet, not ready to look at that part of my life.

I don't know how many days pass. Rose comes and goes. I think she stays with Em at Charlie's because she doesn't want to be around me. Who could blame her?

I spend my nights trying to forget, but it takes one time for me to think about the last time I saw Charlie for the last time.

I should have stayed and told everyone to leave. I should have told him how much I loved him, how much having him as a dad meant to me. He was the best.

I don't know if I ever said those words to him, and now I can't.

Guilt consumes me, and I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

I find a bottle of tequila, and on my way back to my room I eye the closet.

I take deep sips of liquor, liking the burn on the way down. It's the only thing I want to feel.

I open the closet and pull out the box. Opening it, the first thing I see is the lace white dress I wore when Edward and I got married. It's still dirty from running in the puddles that morning from the rain. I didn't want to wash it.

"It's just like you. Beautiful and a little flawed," Edward had said that day, when he was taking it off of me with kisses all over and throwing it on the floor.

I toss it over my shoulder, take another sip, and pull out the album I made of us.

Pictures from the beginning when we first started dating. Our faces smile back at me, and I don't want to think about those times… that gets thrown over my shoulder, too.

Everything in the box has to do with me and him, and our relationship.

I throw it all back into the box and shove it in the closet. Something rips, and something cracks.

I ignore it, and the wave of overwhelming emotion and sadness takes over.

It will never be that way again.

Another sip.

The clock in the wall says it's 3 a.m. and then all of a sudden, a familiar emotion comes back.

Anger.

I have to get out of here.

I grab the box and my keys. My truck showed up the day after Charlie's funeral. He kept it running and in tune while I was away. Getting in, I can smell the faint scent of him.

Cinnamon and aftershave. It's a smell I never want to go away, but I know will.

I drive to La Push and eye the cliffs. I park and grab the box. It's pretty heavy and it's hard to hold with the tequila bottle, but I make it up there.

I open the box and one by one, I throw it all over the cliff.

Dress.

Our Picture album.

My camera.

Keys to Edward's apartment in Seattle.

I eye my wedding band on my finger and then throw that, too.

When I get to the bottom, the only thing left is the picture of Em, dad and me. It's cracked, and a piece of glass cuts my hand.

I want to throw myself off the cliff, too. It would be simple, just a jump. I watched Em do it hundreds of time with Jake.

Instead, I crumble to the ground, against a tree, and throw the tequila bottle over the cliff.

The sound of the waves and seagulls is the last thing I hear before I wake up to sirens and Emmett calling my name.

Real life has been kicking my ass, so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. giving myself a deadline for next week.

You can find me on facebook, under Meg Uh Bot.

xo