Chapter 17 - Into Words

It was dark when Mac slipped into her apartment, walked to her bedroom and practically collapsed into her bed wearing uniform and all. She didn't even kick off her heels, it was too exhausting to move even a muscle. Her body ached and her stomach was tied up in knots. It was almost like that feeling of crashing hard after an all night bender and no matter how much she shifted in bed, Mac couldn't relax.

Eventually, she hauled herself to the bathroom leaving a trail of clothing behind before filling her tub and slipping beneath the hot water and lavender scented bubbles. It managed to staunch some of her body aches but, her mind whirled at a zillion miles per hour.

Today had been her second session with Dr. Taylor and another attempt to cease the sessions had been countered by threats of refusing to clear Mac for duty. It would have been an idle threat but, she wasn't too sure how much the doctor could be pushed. It was unnerving as it was a 'homework' project to start a diary, one where she penned out her feelings on a daily basis.

The concept made her laugh wryly especially given the conversation she'd been led through, the one part of her life Mac wished she could just erase for good. The subject was her childhood and her parents.

"My father was abusive to my mother...physically." And the sounds of his fists slamming into her mother's skin, the hard slaps wouldn't erase from her mind. They haunted Mac when she least expected it as did the memories of sitting curled up into a ball at the back of her closet praying to a God that never answered the call. She was too scared to do anything, even when Joe MacKenzie called for her, Sarah remained quiet and still, hoping she wouldn't be next.

"He went through 'Nam and came back messed up like everyone else. He drank too much and took all of his aggression out on her. I never understood why he...hated her so much and then turned around and cried...He would cry and beg for forgiveness. Things would be okay for a day or two."

Mac often wondered why her parents even bothered having children. "My mother was pregnant once and lost the baby because of him." Joe had slammed his wife against a wall with the absurd belief that she'd been unfaithful. The miscarriage was instant and Sarah recalled the blood, so much of it. "lt was likely for the best, the MacKenzie household didn't need another child to fuck up." Not when they did such a good job at destroying Sarah.

"Did your father ever abuse you?" It was one of the most sensitive subjects which Dr. Taylor dealt with and a stigma that haunted her patients for life. There was shame, fear, guilt that often carried into that person's current life. She could see shades of it hidden in Mac that Marine veneer covering most of it but not all.

"He never hit me."

"I said abuse not hit." She clarified and when Mac stared at her in confusion she offered a better explanation. "Abuse comes in different forms. Physical is the most obvious but then there's emotional, mental, verbal. You don't have to hit someone to hurt them." And often enough the emotional abuse caused more damage than the physical. "Bruises fade, words haunt. Especially if you believe them."

'Everyone here knows you're Joe MacKenzie's tramp daughter, Sarah. You disgust me!'

Mac bit her lip as her father's voice echoed in her ears. She was sixteen caught kissing a boy for the first time on her front porch. It was one of the few times she'd been sober but her father never liked Rick, the son of a Navy Commander. He was cute and shy and treated her right like a gentleman should but her father had run him off. 'Squids are garbage, all of them...especially officers. And you are whoring around with a kid who's being groomed to be one.'

"My father was as kind to me as he could be. I know he loved me but, his words...He put me down all of the time...Called me...called me a 'tramp'." She couldn't say the other word, it made her feel so much shame mostly because he'd been right. Only a whore would sleep with a man, in the back of a car the night of her engagement party to another man. "I think it was his way to force me to stay with him. If I made nothing out of myself I wouldn't leave our crap town and he wouldn't be alone."

"I found out three and a half years ago that he followed my whole Marine career. He was proud of what I became and I only found this out when he lay in a hospice dying. I abandoned him to save myself and never looked back."

"Do you regret that?"

"Having a real, good life? No, I don't. I probably would have died of alcohol poison or been arrested...I just...he had a rough life, I could have helped him somehow. I just abandoned him like my mother abandoned me."

"Your mother abandoned you?"

"On my fifteenth birthday…I forgave her for it...I think. At least I tried to." Deanne MacKenzie had made sure everything for Sarah's birthday was perfect. Cake, decorations and even the few friends her daughter had along with some neighbors kids. She knew the distraction from the party would male the perfect escape. "My father was pleasant for once...but then, he always put up an act when others were around, the perfect family to everyone on the outside."

Mac was too busy opening presents, eating cake and just trying to be a 15 year old girl, she hadn't noticed that Deanne's excuse to run out for ice cream was a ruse, the woman would never return. "He held me when I cried...told me it would be okay just the two of us...I took my first drink of vodka that night...despite the hangover it made things easy to forget…"

Sarah broke into the liquor cabinet, spun open the tab of the bottom shelf crap which passed for alcohol. It smelled foul, burned as it went down and burned even more in her stomach. She took another sip and then another, eventually feeling numb. "It's amazing how quickly you get addicted...it became a life giving essence...Then I met a boy, Chris and he was able to supply me with more."

Chris was older than her and reckless enough not to care. She'd fallen head over heels for him, the dangerous bad boy in his early twenties who smoked, drank, drove motorcycles and more importantly, was gentle when Sarah gave up her virginity to him. Chris Ragle was sexy, fun and the protector she needed to rid herself of Joe MacKenzie. "It made sense for him to be my first...We were always together, he kept my father away, protected me...I thought that was love...So we got married when I turned 18 and he was arrested some months later."

The relationship was entirely toxic but, at least, Chris wasn't abusive and showed her some respect. Mac never understood until she joined the Marines that keeping her drunk was Chris' form of dominance over her. It forced her to be his good little housewife without forging a future for herself.

They weren't married for more than two months before Chris drove a stolen car, lined with heroin across state lines. A repeat offender, justice was swift and his sentence lengthy. There was no one left to care for her anymore and Sarah refused to return to her father. It made sense to spend time with Eddie. He was kind to her, cared like an older brother and despite an obvious attraction would not make a move because she was Chris' girl. It was another toxic relationship, nevertheless.

"And not that long after you joined the corps?"

Mac nodded. "Yes...I hadn't seen my father in months, he was the one who called Uncle Matt to take care of me after a horrible car crash when I almost died."

She finally managed to graduate high school and after a night of constant libations had stupidly gotten into a car with an equally inebriated Eddie. The rest was, as they say, history. Sarah didn't realize it at the time but the rest of her life started that night. "You're lucky to be alive."

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't lived. I could have stopped him but, we were young, invincible, nothing could touch us…"

Dr. Taylor grinned, "The folly of youth."

"His blood is on my hands, Doc." And that had been a weight on her shoulders she'd only discussed with Harm when they spent the night in the woods running from poachers. She trusted him with her life as well as with one of her darkest secrets. And he didn't blame her or take pity, simply rationalized the accident as a youthful transgression.

"He didn't even seem to care that I was hurt. Accused me of killing my friend...So I left with Uncle Matt, dried out and joined the Corps." There had been a reason for that, the disgust and slew of insults Joe MacKenzie hurled at her while Mac lay in a hospital bed detoxing and healing from various wounds. He hadn't taken ownership that perhaps Sarah's alcoholism had been partly his own doing.

"It wasn't a good situation for you to be in Colonel...sadly, sometimes we need to move on and others get left behind. It's okay to leave a toxic relationship even if it's from your parents."

Mac was once again gripping her cover, the fabric making her hands raw and chafed. She felt the EGA embedded into her skin and studied her palm to see the mark. "What if I could have helped him? Or at least tried? I wanted out, I left." She ran away and that thought saddened her. "You're right...I always run away… I ran away from my husband too, never looking back."

"Is your husband still in jail?" The doctor asked, sure that the Marine in front of her wouldn't go back to that reckless life.

What she couldn't expect was Mac's next words. "He's dead and I killed him."

The session's clock rang then and both women remained still simply looking at one another. Surely Dr. Taylor had heard worse, the countless stories of war crimes and death which other service men and women must have divulged.

It wasn't said with remorse or shame just stated as a fact and Mac's tone had clearly spun the doctor on her axis. She half expected Dr. Taylor to add more time to the session but it was late and this was obviously a subject that would take more time.

So Mac had been instructed to write and put her feelings of each discussion into words. She stared at the book with leather-bound dark colors that was resting at the edge of her coffee table and sighed. "A diary, huh?"

Mac grabbed it, leafing through the empty pages as if awaiting for the words to suddenly appear. She took a pen, uncapped it and scribbled the first thing that came to mind. 'Why I killed my husband.'

"So stupid." She snorted at the words, ripped the page out, balled it up and hurled it across the room. It reminded her of some 'how to' book or a biography of some sort. Why bother with a title anyway? This was a stupid little journal not the Great American Novel. Mac took a breath and let it out very slowly while she pressed the black ink pen to the page and began to write.

An hour passed by and then two or maybe even three or four. Words appeared across the simple white pages, truths even Mac had compartmentalized so well she'd all but forgotten.

The subject changed quickly as one thought after another filled her mind. Culminating in John Farrow's involvement with Chris' untimely demise. She felt shame and guilt as her prose detailed her relationship with John. Relationship because it wasn't just a little fling and Mac refused to identify it as an affair.

Inappropriate, yes but then John served to be both a mentor and the companion she needed. It lasted several months, actually longer than her time with Chris. John was patient, understanding. loving and it wasn't just about sex although that was good too. Had it not been for their ranks, something would have come out of it but, he had to let her go. John wouldn't ruin his career or hers when being together was impossible. So he guided her towards JAG seeing a lawyer's impassioned mind behind those beautiful looks.

Mac laughed through tears and choked back a sob. Harm seemed devastated to learn of her affair with Farrow. Although he didn't say as much, that was when everything that seemed solid began teetering on shaky ground. He'd known there was something more from the moment he saw Mac's interaction with Farrow. To be fair, Mac was still enamored with the older man and missed that simple companionship of earlier times.

The jealousy was there, expressed by a jerk move of going behind her back to present Chegwidden with information and claiming she was not objective. During her trial, Harm defended her zealously although it bothered him that Mac would perjure herself for a former lover. For weeks after, he would look at her differently and she was never sure if it was pity or disdain. Then Jordan came and she felt all but erased until Harm dropped the ultimate bombshell - he was heading back to a carrier.

Mac loved John, that much she knew. He would always hold a special place in her heart. She wasn't in love with him - only one man had ever held that distinction and, like usual, she drove him away.

It was morning by the time she stopped, thankful that it was Saturday. Much too wired to rest, she slipped into her running gear and headed off to Rock Creek Park. It avoided her from beginning a new diary entry, a subject that would take too long to put into words - Harmon Rabb Jr.

Harm lay out on a lounger, one of six that lined the pool deck. He was soaking up the sun and enjoying the warm California day, the picturesque beach and the up and coming sun set. As he stared out to the ocean, he could only think of one thing.

"The wheels in your head must be churning a million miles per hour. I can hear them from here." Patricia Burnett knew her son and behind that dazzling smile he'd presented, something was most certainly off. He seemed happy enough but that mirth never quite reached his eyes. "Darling, what is it?"

"How do you always know?"

Trish grinned and rolled her eyes behind designer sunglasses. "Please, Harm. You could never, ever keep anything from me. Your smile is there but, your eyes...your father couldn't keep things away from me either." She gave him a watery smile at the mention of her ex-husband. "Spill it."

"Girl troubles." He said, hoping she would leave it at that but the subject only seemed to intrigue her more by the way Trish brought her sunglasses up tonger an untainted look of her son. Harm stuck a finger out to stop her before she brought up Renee. "Don't start… I know you didn't really like her for me."

"She was a nice girl but, too...too...uh…bitchy."

"Mom!"

She grinned sheepishly. "Well, you picked her and knew what you were getting into. I'm surprised you lasted so long."

"Mac thought so too." Harm snorted. In the last few months it had been eye opening to see how many of their mutual friends disliked Renee. No one thought she was right for him and it was mildly disconcerting that no one mentioned it.

Trish's grin spread into a wide smile. "Now Mac's a lovely, lovely girl. Always polite, sweet…"

He snorted again. "Infuriating, self conscious to a fault."

"She's a very pretty girl."

"That she is."

"And you're desperately in love with her."

Harm had begun to sip the gin and tonic Frank prepared only to spit it out when his mother stated that last fact. He choked on an ice cube for a couple of seconds all the while knowing Triah was sitting there grinning. "Gee thanks for helping your son out while he chokes."

She rolled his eyes, "On melted ice?... Harm, what happened? Something happened and don't tell me no, I'm not taking that for an answer."

Oh, something did happen. Something wonderful and wrong, the perfect balance of Yin and Yang. For a moment he remembered the feeling of being one with Mac, the scent of her perfume mixed with his cologne. The droplets of sweat on her bare back and his hands that grazed over them. "Yeah, something happened and it doesn't matter…It was a mistake."

"You don't believe that if not you wouldn't have spent the last few days skulking around the house like you lost your best friend." Trish moved to the edge of her lounger and pressed a reassuring hand to his forearm. " I'm not gonna pressure you to talk to me but, whatever it is…"

"I love her." He looked away as if his admission was shameful. "I love her and I...she...we did something terrible." How do you tell your mother about an affair when she still hurt over the knowledge that her former husband fathered another woman's child? He would have to tell someone and soon because the guilt had started to weigh on him. "Mom...I don't want you to think less of me or Mac...Things...just happened."

"Darling, you are a wonderful, noble, honorable man...You had an affair with Mac, didn't you?"

He heaved a rough sigh. "I can't call it that. It cheapens….us… She got hurt because of it. I couldn't keep her safe...from him. I swore I would and everything, everything just blew up on my face." Carefully, he explained some of what happened leaving out the private details which would only live between Mac and he. "I don't know what to do."

Harm told her about Mic's abuse and his belief he would come to hurt or even kill Sarah if prompted. He spoke about her trip to Indonesia and how he'd almost lost her. Harm ended with his comment about Mac's exs and received a stern look from his mother that made him cringe.

"Harm, you need to speak to her."

He sighed annoyed that Trish was stating the obvious. "I can't. I was more or less ordered to give her some space. That's why I'm out here." It was Chegwidden's decision out of fear that one or both of them would hurt their careers and the best case scenario given how fractured Mac seemed. Harm readily agreed and promised not to cause Mac any type of trouble while she was forced to visit a therapist. Yeah, he knew about the order to see a shrink as well, Chegwidden had been quite concerned about her behavior.

"Call anyway."

"I don't want her more upset with me."

Trish threw her hands up in the air. His comment about Mac's exes was deplorable at best. "Can't say I blame her! I raised you better than that...Okay, send flowers."

Flowers? That didn't go so well last time. "I did she made a show of tossing them, vase and all into a wastebasket at work." It was a little bit humiliating for him, the jet jock who once could get any woman he wanted.

"Chocolates? All women love…"

"Mac is more into Oreos...I bought her a box and she deliberately took them to the break room."

Trish sighed, "I hear a lot of excuses and not much action….I got it!" Excitedly, she stood up, hurried inside the house and returned with various pens along with a small stack of fancy looking paper. "You're going to put down everything you're feeling into letters and mail them to her."

"I did that once." And the letter went missing, although he was touched that she'd carried it around during her time in the Guadalcanal. "Actually, you may be on to something." He sat up, grabbed the drink tray and flipped it over using the smoother back side to place the paper on. "You said letters." He emphasized the 's'.

"I did."

"As in, more than one."

She smiled and then stood up. "I'm going to mix another drink. Frank should be home soon, I think he was grilling salmon tonight." Trish realized then that Harm wasn't listening. His hand moved across the page before him. She wasn't one to pry but the first two sentences made her smile:

My dearest Sarah,

I love you….

It would take time but, she had a feeling everything would be alright.