SOOTHE CHAPTER 18 CONTENT WARNING: (Skip only if you don't want spoilers!)

ONLY CANONICAL references of Meredith's drowning/suicide attempt, as well as Ellis Grey's previous (sort of) suicide attempt. This section is brief and there are no surprises if you have already watched Season 4, but listing these warnings here, anyway as I know that is important.

Also, small references to boy shape, size, weight, though not a major conflict in the character's lives.

Author's Note:

Welcome to another Chapter, folks.

Here we go!

See you at the end, in the comments.

bobbiejelly

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

Meredith tries to stop thinking about hypothetical love speeches for Addison Montgomery.

Instead, Mer tries to sniffle without getting it on Addison's shirts, and dry up her tears on her sleeve.

Meredith feels Addison finally looking down at her eyes again as Addison stops crying, too.

"Can we get ready for bed, now, and just talk some more later?" Meredith asks Addison.

Addison says yes, and she offers Meredith the first shower but Meredith offers it right back.

Meredith insists with her eyes so Addison heads to the washroom and showers very quickly.

Meredith half-regrets sending Addison first because she knows Addie is saving her, hot water.

Meredith just didn't want to see Addison shivering any longer from all of their tears shed on her.

When Addison emerges Meredith can see her eyes are even redder. She heard sobs over the faucet.

Addison shakes her head as if to say 'no, please, don't pity me,' as Meredith looks away and heads off to shower Addison hands her a pair of purple pajamas and everything else that she needs for the night. Meredith doesn't tell her she wasn't pitying Addie; that look in her eyes she was hiding, was far from pity, it was far sadder than that because it was a pure look of unrequited, and yet, completely, true, love.

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

Soothe

In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe.

Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her.

F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction.

Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M.

Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity.

Chapter 18: Afterlife?

Reflections about what might be coming next for Meredith and also Addison after they have both firmly broken up with Derek Shepherd.

(To be clear, no, Addison and Meredith do not commit suicide or plot to, or even want to. This is mostly about something else, entirely...)

1

Once Addison has dried her hair off, mostly, she wraps it in a towel before facing Meredith again. Meredith has since taken the time to compose herself and settle into the pajamas that Addison has lent her. They are a bit oversized because Addison is taller, and her hips are wider, ('and her ass and her breasts and her abs are bigger, too,' Mer tries to not think about that right now!).

Meredith realizes that Addison is chuckling at her tugging her sleeves past her hands and saying that "you really are tiny, compared to me, and you look really adorable in oversized clothes,". The instant that Addison describes her as 'adorable' even in a friendly way, Meredith panics a bit and reddens significantly. Luckily for her, though, Addison just laughs alongside her.

"It's okay, as I said, it looks good in a way," Meredith can see Addison smiling at her endearingly. Meredith wonders why she didn't just tell Addison a joke earlier because the deep sound of her laughter causes all of Meredith's tears to resolve themselves to be replaced with happy gurgling noises as she giggles along with Addison cheerfully in a fit of shared laughter.

"This is good," Addison smiles. Meredith can tell it's not a sad smile like the last time. This is a genuine soft smile. Meredith sees Addison's eyes soften for her and she can feel her own eyes softening and she says "yes, this is really good," in response to Addison's statement. "It's really good to see you smile again, Meredith," Addison nods at her. "You too, Addison," Meredith replies easily.

Meredith does her very best not to read into this too much as she rolls up her sleeves the best she can so she can still feel the air on her hands. "Here, let me help with your ankles," Addison motions for Meredith to sit on a chair so she can roll them up tightly so Meredith will not trip over them. "You know, it's really probably good that you're not trying to wear my clothes," Meredith blurts out.

"OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY ADDISON I DID NOT MEAN TO CALL YOU FAT IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE AT ALL TOO BIG IT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE TALL AND I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT PLEASE FORGIVE ME, ADDIE, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND I'LL NEVER CALL YOU THAT AGAIN AND YOU ARE PERFECT AS YOU ARE," Meredith yells out.

2

This earns Meredith another endearing chuckle from Addison, which turns into a laugh, which turns into them both laughing again until Meredith starts to try to apologize for a second time before Addison cuts her off and says "it's okay, I knew what you meant. I think I tried to put your underwear on one time by accident and it was a little tight but not impossible and-" Addison rants.

"YOU WHAT-!?" Meredith's eyes fly wide open at the implication of everything that Addison just said as she pictures her black panties from prom ending up in Derek's back pocket ending up in Addison's folded and ironed laundry and ending up on her body before she must have subsequently taken them off and washed, folded and ironed them again after that for her…

"I think I got a little drunk after that prom night and I was hungover in the morning and I was about to get a divorce and I just reached for the closest thing and they were at the top of the laundry and that's how I figured out they were yours after having a bit of a crisis thinking that I'd suddenly gained twenty pounds overnight from the fake prom hors d'oeuvres…" Addison smiles sheepishly.

Meredith tries not to redden entirely at Addison's admission and is blushing right now. Of course, anyone could be blushing in this situation so Meredith tries to recover anyway and not to stammer when she can think of a decent reply. "I'm sorry I made you feel fat, both times, I'm really sorry," Meredith apologizes profusely. " I felt great about my body after I put on my own panties," Addison chuckles.

"Oh, goodness," Meredith giggles. "Well, I suppose that's why they keep changing up the pants sizes at stores to make you buy things," Meredith giggles again. "Yeah, probably," Addison rolls her eyes inwardly, having probably had fallen for that trick a few times, and Meredith seems to catch on and say she can relate to this. "You really like shopping?" Mer asks. "Yup," says Addie, a bit guiltily. "I just figured because you're so stylish," Addison blushes, and then Meredith blushes. "Thanks, Mer," says Addison. "You're welcome Addie," Mer offers a big smile right back to her.

"Did Derek ever find out about, that, you-?" Meredith tries to be coherent but just ends up babbling. "He knew I was having a rough morning, but to be fair, so was he- so he just grunted a lot and tried not to drink himself into a stupor at six in the morning after he and you- well, he was in a weird mood himself so he just mostly ignored my swearing and yelling," Addison shrugs.

3

"I'm-" Meredith goes to apologize again but Addison says that she's already forgiven her for prom so there's no need for her to grovel again. "It's okay, Meredith. It's really okay…" The way that Addison promises this, Meredith really wants to believe her. So she nods and she relaxes back into her chair. Meredith yawns loudly. All the adrenaline is crashing and she is exhausted.

Addison yawns in reaction and says to Meredith "well, I'm wiped, are you ready to settle into bed for the night?" Addison offers. "Sure," Meredith agrees and crawls over to 'her' bed that was theoretically rented for Naomi, and then she looks up curiously at Addison, who has since not moved at all from where she had just been standing. "Do you want to talk for a while?" Addie offers, as Meredith sets her alarm clock for work in the morning.

"Yeah," Mer says, and she's too shy to gesture for Addison to literally crawl into 'her' bed with her. But Addison does anyway, without hesitation. And Meredith lifts the blankets and leans over to tuck Addison's legs in. They're sitting parallel to each other, shoulders pressed together tightly. They are leaning up against the headboard with their hips to their toes tucked in.

Addison leans closer to Meredith, and Meredith sighs and puts her head on Addison's shoulder, content that Addison still wants to be physically close with her. "Thank you," Addison offers, without any type of explanation. "Why?" Meredith quirks her eyebrows funny at her. "For the snuggles, of course," Addison smiles softly. "Oh, of course, thank YOU, for the cuddles," Mer says.

Knowing that Addison likes her snuggles, (at least in a friendly way!) Meredith nuzzles her head closer to Addison's neck and closes her eyes for just a moment. She doesn't want to fall asleep on Addison in case Addison still wants to sleep in a separate bed from her. Meredith just wants to enjoy the warmth for a moment. She feels safe here. And she has not felt safe in a long time.

"I feel really safe here," Meredith finally voices her last thought out loud. "I'm glad, Meredith. I do too, with you, here now…. Do you want to talk about that, though?" Addison asks, sounding incredibly concerned for Meredith. "I just, I just always felt a little on edge with Derek," Meredith sighs as she explains this to Addison. She expects to see pity in Addie's eyes when she looks up, but Addison's eyes look tired, and she just says "I know."

4

"The funny part is that I still crave him," Meredith rambles. "As in?" Addison eyes her without any judgment, only understanding. Meredith realizes that Addison is the only person who could ever probably understand how she is feeling right now. "What's weird is that I miss him, but not as much as I crave him. I crave Derek, but not only his love. I crave him not loving me, even more," Meredith says softly.

"Oh," Addison sighs as she pulls Meredith even tighter. Meredith allows Addison's warm arms to envelop her as she squeaks out her inner demons. She's never shared this with anyone, ever before. Not even Cristina. Meredith realizes she's hidden a lot of her relationship with Derek from Cristina, and that her shrink would probably say that's a bad thing. "You get it, though, don't you?"

Meredith asks Addison this, and her heart breaks for the older woman when she finally answers her 'yes'. Meredith pulls Addison close and squeezes on for dear life. Meredith has always suspected that her tumultuous relationship with Derek had been at least similar in many ways to Addison's, and she pales to imagine how Addison had been feeling after being with him over a decade.

"Do you still want it? The bad love? From Derek?" Meredith asks Addison very matter-of-factly. "Sometimes," Addison's voice breaks as she admits this. "I just feel it's familiar, you know?" Addison finally speaks with a wavering tone. "I really do know, you know," Meredith offers. "It's just, my dad was a cheater," Addison begins her story for a moment. "I thought I inherited it…"

"I'm hoping that's not the case, because, if so, I am totally screwed, also," Meredith blurts out before she tries very hard not to cut Addison off again. "Yeah," Addison chuckles. Meredith notices the shift in Addison's demeanor. She's calmer, now, Meredith thinks. Meredith realizes she's calmer, too. Meredith knows this is a lot to do with Addison's most reassuring company.

"I guess, about the bad love from Derek, I just think I expected to be treated badly because my father, 'The Captain', Montgomery, treated my mother poorly, and my mother, Bizzy Forbes was rather brittle herself," Addison explains to Meredith. "Yeah, insecure attachments," Meredith sighs in agreement. "My biological father Thatcher Grey abandoned us because Ellis kicked him out," Meredith begins.

5

Addison nods in understanding as Meredith explains a story she realizes Addison already knows about her mother, Ellis Grey, having had an everlasting affair with their Chief of Surgery, Richard Webber, and her even having done terrible things to try to get his attention, while Richard stayed with his wife, Adele Webber. "I think I like Derek because he felt familiar," Meredith sighs.

"As in?" Addison asks her to elaborate. "As in, Derek would yell, and drink, and he would sometimes leave me in the dust. All that was like my father and Richard Webber occasionally, though Uncle Richard never really was bad towards me, just stern, he's more my father than anything, but he's also my boss and it's annoying. And Derek is arrogant, like my mom…"

"Hmm, yeah, I hear that you saw a lot of your parent's ongoing conflicts reflected in your personal relationship with Derek, and I can imagine how that might have felt familiar," Addison validates Meredith's emotions back to her. "Was that what it was like for you, too?" Meredith asks her. Meredith realizes she enjoys this in a morbid way, comparing their 'Derek stories'.

"Probably," Addison sighs. "I actually never thought much about it until now, it was just such a part of my life for so long but then I tried to shut it off, and put Derek into a tiny box that I hardly ever opened. Like one of those pandora's boxes with snakes?" Addison offers. "Yeah. Snakes works. Derek has a bite when he lashes out and he yells," Meredith sighs, and Addison winces.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Meredith apologizes again when she feels Addison yelp a bit. "It's terrible, I thought I'd gotten used to living a 'normal life' after divorcing him, but I guess this trip brought a lot of it back, but I think it actually offered me even more closure," Addison finally mentions. Meredith is relieved by this, and she can sense Addison doesn't want to make her feel guilty.

"Can I ask you something, Meredith?" Addison finally asks her. "Sure?" Meredith responds, very curious why such a worried look. "Meredith, did you ever-" Addison tries again: "Did you ever try to end your own life?" Addison finally spits out. "Only the time I stopped swimming when I drowned, and I never had any impulses to, ever since, no matter how sad or hurt or helpless I felt," Meredith answers honestly. Meredith sees Addison sigh in relief, as she explains how she talked to her mother during her brief time being 'dead' before being revived again.

6

"You talked to Ellis Grey in the afterlife?" Addison asks her, and Meredith grins, and says her mother once cried for help in that way for Richard. But she explains the drowning next, "I talked with my mother, Ellis Grey, as she was about to die, and I was about to stop dying and for a few minutes we were both in purgatory together and she told me to go live and not die so I did I guess, and I saw Doc," Meredith tries to remember for Addison. "And you saw Doc?" Addison tries to clarify.

"And I saw Doc, our dead mutual McDog while I was dead for however long I was dead for. And it was really nice to see him wag his tail again and to pet him and hold him but I wouldn't recommend nearly dying just to see him again because he looked sort of sad for me and I had to see my McDog being sad and pitying me and I bet that you would, too, if you died and you'd hate that" Meredith says to Addison who nods at Meredith's assessment of her.

"What did Doc say to you, in the afterlife?" Addison asks Meredith. "What?" Meredith asks her, rather confused. "Well, you just said you talked with your mother Ellis Grey while you were sort of dead temporarily and she was sort of temporarily barely living so I figured maybe our dead dog had some last words of wisdom to offer us," Addison asks Meredith rather hopefully.

"Oh. Sorry, no. Doc couldn't talk to me in the afterlife. He just barked like he used to. It's not like they tell you, purgatory I mean. It's not all about talking animals. Just talking to other dead and about to be dead people," Meredith clarifies. "Oh," Addison says, trying to hide her disappointment. "I still miss him. Even though I got to see him in my brief afterlife,"

Meredith smiles sadly at Addison. "I miss him too," Addison curls herself into Meredith more. "I got poison oak over that dog," Addison laughs bitterly at the memory. "I thought you said the poison oak was karmically acquired through your sins of sleeping with Sloan?" Meredith quirks up an eyebrow. "God, I seriously do have another bone to pick with Derek." Addison yelps.

"I told him never to tell anyone about that, EVER!" Addison exclaims with a yelp. "Yeah. That would be a good bone to pick with him. Maybe you could also imagine yourself throwing Doc a metaphorical bone in his afterlife so you can imagine you got to see him happy one last time, too," Meredith offers to Addison.

"Thank you, Meredith. I think I just might. I'm imagining Doc is smiling at me with his McDog eyes right now," Addison smiles at Meredith."Hey, don't look into MY eyes when you say that, it's weird, you're imagining our puppy!" Meredith exclaims. "I promise I wasn't. I just wanted to joke about you having puppy dog eyes when you pout- because you totally do," offers Addison.

('You're the one with the Ms. McDreamy eyes,' Meredith fights herself not to say this to Addison, now…)

"Thanks," Meredith says shyly, looking down at the bedsheets. "Thanks for asking, Addie."

"About the drowning?" Addison asks her. "About all of it," Meredith takes her hand into hers.

"Did you ever try to end your own life?" Meredith asks Addison, seriously. "No, I didn't."

"You're not lying?" Meredith presses on. "No, I really have never tried or felt the impulse to."

"Thanks for asking, Meredith. Truly, thanks," Addison squeezes Meredith's hand into hers.

"You're welcome. No problem. You did the same for me," Meredith says tenderly. "Thank you."

"You know, this is morbid but I'm comforted by your experiences in the afterlife, about Archie."

"I really hope you don't lose your brother, Archer, but I wish him the best in his old age afterlife". And with that, Addison cuddles in closer next to Meredith and tucks her head into the crook of the smaller woman's neck. "Can I stay here, Mer, in case I have nightmares?" Addison asks Meredith, gesturing so she knows Meredith understands she means the bed. "Of course, Addie" Meredith smiles in acquiescence as she motions to shut off the lights. Meredith feels Addison smile into her sleep as she falls asleep herself in this woman's safe, reassuring, tender, and warm, soothing arms.

***** END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Author's Note 2:

As previously stated, this is not an effective coverage of subjects such as suicide. The conversations were all honest and truthful to this AU. It was still a minor part of this story arc though, as it's not an inherent focus of this fic, and I want to be clear that that does not mean I don't take these subjects seriously; I do. It's just that I don't want to go into that in "Soothe". Similarly with the comments about boy size/weight/shape etc, I do not want to downplay serious issues about these things, but in this situation, they are only standard-grade insecurities that are not a focus.

If you or someone you know has suicidal thoughts or ideations, please seek medical attention!

Thanks friends, hope you enjoyed this. Yes, this chapter does have a bit of overlap in content with other works that I have posted today, albeit with varied twists. It's sometimes frustrating to write several MerAdd stories with all different premises without repeating content, as there are limited canonical moments on the show, especially for Addison, to draw on in 3 ish seasons.

In this Chapter, for me, at least, the part about Meredith craving the way Derek treated her in a way, describing this and having Addison relate... That was my favorite part to write. I really enjoy writing this hurt-comfort part of their dynamic. The concept of 'bad love' of Derek towards Meredith and Addison is also explored a lot in AliceSloane's work on Fanfiction which I ADORE!

Thanks for your patience with this, I hope you enjoyed this angst and also fluff, and meddison.

bobbiejelly

Dedications for May 29, 2020, on Chapter 18:

Ao3:

Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 7 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

3 Subscriptions. 409 Hits. 20 Kudos. 9 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

faith3558 kaipulani, for the Favorite. Kaipulani for the Follow. No Reviews so far :(. 867 Hits.

Wattpad:

blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, new_being, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth who always follows along with the stars!

785 Reads, 111 Stars, 115 Comments, the many people who added this to their readings lists...

This work is really popular here and there was a record-breaking 9 votes on the last Chapter!

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D...

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:

Prom?

You see your panties tacked to a bulletin board the following morning and all you can think about is the fact that Addison Montgomery-Shepherd once had her hands all over your underwear. - Meredith Grey

MerAdd. meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Beginning at GA-S2-E27, "Losing My Religion". Rated M for Chapter 1, Rated E for Future Chapters. Femslash.

101 McDalmatians

Addison Montgomery asks Meredith Grey an important question about potential pet care.

MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated T. Fluff, First Dates, & Domestic Bliss.

Pen Pals

Maya and Carina have to deal with loving each other from a distance.

AKA: We wanted to write something together

PEN PALS IS A JOINT VENTURE BETWEEN KyHasNoLife and I,

Ky is a stunning authors and pairing up for a work is a dream come true!

Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)

You're 'in love' again.

-Addison Montgomery.

As written to herself in her personal diary.

Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it.

(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about "Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey", check out RED is the new BLACK. )

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of "Soothe".

THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D

Author's Note 3:

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

bobbiejelly

bobbiejelly