Chapter 24: The Genealogy of Phoenix Wright and Karl von Karma
A/N: Hmm didn't mean to make this so long. But at least now you'll know the canonical Larry Butz origin story.
In Detention Center Prison...
Phoenix was gripping the bars of his cell tightly. "Larry, you are NOT my twin brother. What are you even trying to say?" Phoenix was red faced and shaking. The nerve of this guy!
"Oh? I'm not your twin brother, am I?" Larry stuck his objection finger through the bars of his cell and adopted his Karl von Karma persona. "Prove it! Prove it with divisive evidence! As a lawyer you should know that's all that counts."
"Okay, you know what, I'll humor you and your insane delusions," replied Phoenix. You stupid bastard, he added mentally. "I've got nothing better to do. First off, we can't be twins because you're a full year younger than me."
"Objection!" shouted Larry Butz (or was it Karl von Karma? The lines were getting blurred). "Ha. Ha ha. Nice try, fool. The mere discrepancy between our respected ages can be explained away thusfully: the first year of my life before I was found by the park ranger was a LOST YEAR. I spent most of it crawling around the forest eating moss. Moss isn't proper food for a growing baby so that explains why I didn't grow much that year and why I'm only 33."
"Larry, that's..." Phoenix stopped and pondered. Larry's argument was surprisingly logical. Phoenix wasn't sure he could counter it. He knew that Larry had been discovered and adopted by a park ranger, so it was certainly possible he ate moss and was actually 34 but just looked 33.
Larry von Karma sneered. "Giving up already, Shite? Did I go too fast for you? Use too many big words? Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. You know, your brain is so stupid compared to mine that I'm not surprised you have doubts about us being twins. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Phoenix glared into the darkness of Larry's cell as the spine-chilling evil laughter echoed throughout the Detention Center Prison. Von Karma had corrupted his friend and turned him into a monster. Phoenix suddenly became determined to drag Larry out of the darkness and save him, just as he had saved Edgeworth all those years ago. His eyes narrowed, similar to how John Phoenix's eyes narrow.
Phoenix knew that Larry's logic about his age was ironclad, and also watertight, because the iron was watertight iron, so he decided to attack from another angle.
"Larry!" he cried. "There's another reason we can't be twins. Because we have different parents."
"Oh, scoff," scoffed Karl von Karma. "That hardly means anything, Shite."
"Um, it means a LOT actually, Larry. Do you even know what a twin is?"
"Of course I know, you bumbling baboon," snapped Karl Butz. He wagged his finger, and while Phoenix couldn't see it, because it was dark, he could hear the sound waves caused by the wagging. "I never claimed we both shared the SAME SET of parents. We only have the same mother. We have different fathers."
"Hold it right there!" shouted Phoenix. "Aha, then you just admitted we're not twins!"
"OBJECTION" said Larry, and he sounded just like Manfred von Karma. "Shite, please, I've admitted nothing except my own correctitude! Our mother was carrying babies from two different fathers at the same time. And those babies were us!"
"Larry, that's impossible."
"HA HA HA HA! Nicholas, you ignorant swine, you played right into my trap! A woman can get pregnant from two different dudes at the same time! The medical term for this phenomenon is 'hyperfecundism'. Dad told me all about it."
Phoenix stared. "Larry, are you really... honestly... trying to tell me that my mother slept with Manfred von Karma?"
"Yeah, at least once," nodded Larry. "Probably more? Dunno. Anyway, the time frame for two eggs getting fertilized by different fathers is really, really, really small, so she must have been screwing your dad and my dad at basically the same time. Oh, and we're actually fraternal triplets as well as twins. Your dad probably isn't your dad."
Phoenix's knees buckled. If he were a weaker man he might have swooned.
"Ha. Ha. Ha ha ha," laughed Larry. "I can hear your knees buckling, Shite. Ready to admit defeat?"
"No..." whispered Phoenix through gritted teeth. "Larry, I don't believe a word you say. Twins is unbelievable enough, but triplets? That's absurd."
Larry shrugged. "What's so assured about it? Nick, admit it, you're just a dumbass when compared to my lustrous personage."
"You have no evidence!" screamed Phoenix. "You could have just made all that junk up! Yeah," he said, brightening, "you made everything up! You're just an insane liar!"
"OBJECTION" said Karl von Karma calmly. "I have evidence." He opened his mouth and pressed a button on a tooth and the top popped open like a lid. He took a tiny folded piece of paper out of the tooth.
"I was sure the guards were gonna find this," he explained, "but it turns out a cavity search didn't mean what I thought it did." He flicked the wad of paper into Phoenix's cell.
Phoenix unfolded the paper, which took a long time because it had been folded millions of times, but when he was done what he held in his hands was a letter from Manfred von Karma!
"Go on," urged Larry, "read it. It'll explain everything... brother."
Phoenix gulped. He read the letter with shaky hands and eyeballs.
"Dear Manfred von Karma (i.e. me),
Ten months ago I had an affair with Sarah Wright, the wife of James Wright, the famous writer. Why did I have an affair? Simplicity in itself: my wife was in a coma at the time and it was imperative that I cheat on her. In fact, I had induced the coma for just such a purpose. Why? Because, being a moral man, I needed to create a justifiable excuse prior to cheating. Unfortunately, nine months after sleeping with Sarah I learned that she was in the hospital about to give birth.
I immediately entered a cold sweat upon hearing the news on TV. 'Vexes!' I vexed. 'If that baby is mine, and the fact is discovered, as it inevitably must, then my honor will be tainted forever!" I was freaking out.
I knew I must take drastic action. But then I was interrupted by my accursed daughter, Francesca von Karma, who walked into the living room dragging her stuffed Snoopy doll.
'Daddy?' she had asked, rubbing her eyes. 'What's wrong?'
'Silents you foolish fool of a child,' I barked. I threw her doll into the fireplace and it exploded into ashes. Then I quickly put her into a temporary coma (perfectly harmless) and tucked her back into bed. Then I got into my car and drove to the hospital to steal my bastard child.
I knew I wouldn't be interrupted in my child abduction schemes because I was wearing a disguise: nurse scrubs, a face mask, and a surgical cap. With this brilliant disguise I had rendered myself all but invisible. I walked down the halls like a shadow to the room where Sarah Wright was giving birth.
James Wright was standing in front of a vending machine outside Sarah's room. He inserted a dollar into the machine and watched stupidly as it ate his dollar.
'Huh,' he said. 'Guess I have to put more money in.' He was out of ones so he started feeding the machine hundred dollar bills.
'Fool,' I whispered smirkingly under my breath and my face mask as I passed him by. Before I got to the hospital I had called my slave Donald Gumshoe with my car phone and had him plant James's favorite brand of candy bar in the machine, and then Donald sabotaged the machine so it would eat his bills. That way, James Wright would be distracted indefinitely by the vending machine.
All part of my plan to abduct a newborn infant.
I entered the labor room and then quickly locked the door. Luckily for me, no one else was in the room except Sarah Wright, who was under anesthesia and dead to the world. Oh, and a doctor, but he was unconscious because my other slave, Dylan Engarde, had shot him through the window with a tranquilizer dart.
I pulled up a chair and dry washed my hands in anticipation. 'Come on, you wretched harlot,' I said. 'Give birth already!' Then the baby was birthed. I picked it up and looked the crying thing over. Yes, this baby was certainly mine. I cut the cord and then moved to the window to escape, but then I heard more crying, and not from the baby in my arms!
'What's this?' I turned and saw that there was another newborn baby lying on the floor! Where had it come from, I wondered? I had locked the door, and I had been facing the window, so this new baby couldn't have entered the room through any of the available means of ingress, so this was, in fact, a locked room birthing mystery!
I coolly and logically assessed the situation. The baby couldn't have been birthed by me, because I hadn't been impregnated; moreover, I was a man. The unconscious doctor was wearing pants, so there was no way HE could have birthed this crying monstrosity on the floor. Therefore, the only possibility explanation was that Sarah Wright had given birth a second time. I nodded. This must be the case.
But was this baby also mine?
I went to check, but while I was logically assessing, Sarah had given birth yet again, this time to a girl! I minutely observed this new baby's facial features and saw that she bore a strong resemblance to James.
'Hyperfecundism...' I murmured knowingly.
I lined all the babies up on the floor. I wasn't taking any chances. I used the DNA testing equipment in the room to extract all the babies' DNA. According to the results, the first baby was, indeed, mine; the girl belonged to James; and the second boy was from an unknown person.
I tucked my baby under my arm, and then, cackling, I decided to play a little trick. I forged the DNA results, and then I left a note addressed to James saying that the BOY was his and that the girl was a bastardess. It was the other way around, of course, but the idea of James raising some other man's spawn and potentially giving up his own biological child for adoption tickled me.
Why didn't I leave all three babies behind? Easy: I couldn't risk them checking my son's DNA and determining he was mine. I had to dispose of him myself. I escaped via the window and then drove to the forest and threw the baby as hard as I could into the woods.
'Good rubbish to bad trash,' I said. Then I drove home and revived my daughter from her coma.
I had Donald Gumshoe keep tabs on the Wrights after that. It seems James did indeed accept the boy as his biological son. He named him 'Phoenix'. That name is stupid. Also, according to Donald, James entered the hospital room before his wife woke up and disposed of the girl himself. It seems he sent her to live with distant relatives of his. They named her 'Mary'.
Why am I writing all this down? Simple: one day I may wish to share this story with someone. Who knows? Maybe my child will survive the forest and we can bond over his abandonment. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's a laugh.
Signed, Manfred von Karma."
Phoenix crumpled the letter in his hand and slumped to the floor.
"Well, Nick?" called Larry from his cell. "What do you think?"
"Am I expected to believe... that my mother was pregnant with THREE different men's babies at the same time?"
Larry shrugged. "Face it, Nick, mom got around a lot."
"This proves nothing," said Phoenix. "NOTHING, Larry. This is just... a product of von Karma's diseased mind."
"I thought you might think that," said Larry. "Do you have a scar on the underside of your forearm?"
"What?"
"Just roll up your sleeve and check."
Phoenix went over to his bed and checked his arm by the light of the moon. He did have a small scar.
"How did you know about this, Larry?" asked Phoenix. "I mean, it's pretty small, and I never told you..."
"DNA testing equipment scar, dude," said Larry softly. He held a match up to his arm. "I got one too."
Phoenix couldn't believe it. This was proof. Undeniable proof that they were related. He had a twin brother.
"Larry, you win," said Phoenix. "You're my brother. You've proved it. But von Karma being your dad and abandoning you in the woods doesn't explain why you joined up with him and went along with his crazy schemes."
There was a pregnant pause. Almost as pregnant as Sarah Wright had been 34 years ago.
"Manfred von Karma... dad..." Larry choked up. "He offered me a destiny, Nick. He said I could be his apprentice and follow in his footsteps."
"That's it?" asked Phoenix. "That's really it?"
"Everyone else I knew had a destiny, Nick," said Larry. "Your destiny is to be a good lawyer. Maya is a fortune teller. Edgeworth is Chief Army Lawyer. But what about me? I'm nobody special. I tried publishing one of my children's books, and you know what the publisher sent back in response? He said this: 'Even my child thinks this book is bad. I shall publish it never.' So, the whole children's author-slash-illustrator thing was a write-off."
"No, seriously, that's it? THAT'S IT?"
But Larry continued monologuing. "But I could accept it. More or less. Okay, I was no one special, big whoop. I could still be a decent person. But then on the day when I drove you to court, that bastard John Phoenix treated me like an animal! He looked at me like I was fly covered turd! He didn't even thank me! What, I'm supposed to be his slave or something? So, yeah, when dad offered me a chance to BE someone and get even with that fucker, I was all for it! If you wanna blame anyone, blame yourself for letting your nephew act like such a little shithead."
Phoenix shook his head in disbelief. "Larry, this is crazy. John Phoenix may have his faults, but he is hardly a 'shithead' or a 'bastard' (except in the literal sense). Let's not forget that he saved my daughter three or four times now, saved Maya AND Maya as Mia, and last but not least stopped a bunch of Nazis from blowing up a school bus. He's a hero, Larry. And I'm proud of him."
"Oh my god, you're right," cried Larry. He weeped openly. "How could I have been so blind? I'm so sorry, Nick. I apologize to you and John Phoenix. John Phoenix is an amazing person. I swear to you, brother, that I'm gonna change. No, for real. I'm not gonna count on anyone else to give me my destiny, or let society tell me what it is. I'm gonna make my own!"
Well, your destiny now is rotting in prison for the rest of your life, thought Phoenix. But he kept quiet.
"Oh, and Nick," began Larry. "I know you're innocent. You're no terrorist."
Phoenix smiled. "Thanks... brother."
A little while later, Phoenix lay in bed and wondered who his real father could possibly be...
Meanwhile... in Khurain...
A man with a shadowy face stood in front of a opulent fireplace swirling a crystal goblet filled with water and multivitamins. His body was a temple, and he wouldn't defile it with sugary drinks or drugs like coffee or alcohol.
(This is a different shadowy person from the one in the last chapter, by the way.)
He sat down in his armchair and brooded. He had a lot to brood over nowadays. The offenses of the King and Queen against the common people were getting worse everyday. One day he would depose them, and liberate his country, and then the entire world. He smirked largely. How ironic that he, a man living in the royal palace and beloved by the royal family, was actively working against them.
There was just one person who worried him... John Phoenix. He was coming to Khurain. The man knew that both of them couldn't live. It was their destiny to fight to the death. That's what his father told him.
Just then Manfred von Robot flew into the room through a doggy door.
"Master, I just got word that John Phoenix is on his way to Khurain!" said the 3D representation of Manfred's face.
"I already knew that, Manfred," said the man. "No one can hide anything from me. Not even John Phoenix."
"You're truly amazing, master! But what should we do about it?"
"Nothing. Let's see how this plays out. Also, don't call me 'master'. You are my friend. Yes, friend... I have friends, unlike that despicable John Phoenix, who only has servants and lackeys."
He stroked Manfred von Robot's chassis as the evil robot purred. "Isn't that right? Ahahaha!"
To be continued...
James Wright 😯
Sarah Wright ️ ️ ️💁 ️ ️ ️ ️ ️
Drugged doctor ️👷
Donald Gumshoe 🕵️
Dylan Engarde 👳 ️
Francesca von Karma 👧
Shadowy faced man 🗣