Author's comments: Okay I'm done trying to please everyone. The vast majority of comments on here are positive, but I have a few outliers…I think someone's still mad about the last story I wrote.

Someone commented that I made Amanda into a sl**. 1. She's not acting out because she wants sex, she's doing it because she's hurting and she wants to take out her anger out on a man, to give herself a sense of control. 2. Have you even seen the show? I can barely name all the times she's taken home a random man. I don't think it's at all out of character for someone like her to act out this way when she's had so much trauma inflicted on her. 3. If you think I'm just picking on Amanda, I've written plenty of stories where Olivia fell apart the same way. It's just the way I write. I think people do desperate things when they've been traumatized and suffer from depression as a result. I know I've been guilty of doing things I shake my head at now, when I was at my lowest point.

But whatever, if you don't like it, don't read it. Or do, and continue to pick it apart. Or, here's an idea—write your own story and create a storyline that you want to see. Whatever floats your boat.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of sexual assault and suicidal ideations.

All In

Chapter Nineteen

Part 1.

While running her fingers through Amanda's golden hair, inhaling the stench of stale cigarettes mixed with gin, Olivia said, "C'mon. Let's get you home."

For a long moment, she wondered if she'd even be able to coax Amanda to her feet from the sidewalk, and she contemplated the possibility of calling Fin for help. But Amanda began to lumber to an unsteady upright with Olivia's help, and with their arms around each other, Olivia was somehow able to assist a floppy Amanda back to her apartment.

When they got inside, thankfully the children were still asleep, and Lucy shot Amanda a wary glance before she took off, but didn't say anything. Olivia guided her to the couch, doubting that she was aware of much of anything going on around her. Her eyes nearly closed, mouth drooped open, she was like a sack of potatoes, her head lolling to the side as Olivia lowered herself to the couch, Amanda dropping on top of her.

But something reflexive took over when she landed on Olivia's lap, and she curled up into a fetal position while Olivia held her, using Liv's chest as a pillow while Olivia tried to provide a barrier to the outside world with her own body. She kissed Amanda's head and stroked her hair while holding her, saying, "It's all going to be okay. You're going to make it."

She had no idea whether Amanda heard the words or not, because her breathing slowed and she appeared unconscious. But she still uttered the reassurances, hoping they would subconsciously implant into Amanda's mind and stick on some deeper level. Unable to sleep with the adrenaline still pulsing throughout her nervous system, Olivia just sat and stared at Amanda's slumbering face all night until dawn, wishing she could convince her sleeping beauty that she was safe in Olivia's arms.

Part 2.

Amanda awoke to the heavy smell of brewing coffee and a pounding headache. As she sat up, Olivia read her mind and brought her a steaming cup and two Tylenol. Rubbing her eyes, she said, "The kids still asleep?"

"Nah," Olivia said softly. "Lucy already came to get them for school. I didn't want to wake you. They kissed you while you were sleeping though."

Amanda moaned, more from the disappointment of letting her children down than from the throbbing in her forehead. Bits and pieces of the night struck her in increments, each one piercing her with shame. Burying her head in her hand, she confirmed each piece of the puzzle with Olivia. "Was I in the bathroom with a man?"

Speaking just above a whisper, Olivia said, "Yeah."

Unable to face her now, Amanda held her hand against her eyes as a shield. "And I…had my hand…"

"Pretty far down in his business, yeah…"

"When you walked in."

Olivia didn't answer this time, but Amanda knew the answer. Her cheeks flaming, she said, "I'm so sorry, Liv. God, you must hate me right now." Tears threatened to loosen from her stinging eyes as she realized she might lose the best thing that had ever happened to her. "I don't even know how to make it up to you."

Olivia held her own cup of coffee between her knees, both hands wrapped around it for warmth. "I do. I called your therapist. She wants to know if you'd be willing to see her today."

In normal times, Amanda would view the phone call as a violation, an outrageous trespass of her boundaries, and she would become indignant and demand and apology. But these times were far from ordinary, and even she had to admit that her own actions were extreme. She looked sheepishly at her own coffee as if she might find some hidden treasure buried in it. "Yeah. Of course. What time?"

"Ten. I'll take you."

Amanda nodded and took a sip of her coffee, and then downed both pills at the same time. After wiping her mouth with her arm, she said, "Liv, can I ask you a favor?"

The softness of Olivia's voice made her squirm. "I'll do anything I can to help you. I hope you know that."

Getting up the courage to ask, Amanda took another sip, and then said, "Will you sit in the session with me?" She hesitated, but decided it was time to be completely frank with Liv if she wanted to make their barely budding relationship work. "You know, like a couple's session."

Still unable to make eye contact, she shifted uncomfortably in her seat waiting for Olivia, who said, "Of course. That is, as long as your therapist is fine with it."

With that, Amanda released a minute's worth of air, her shoulders finally able to drop from statuette taut to mildly tense. The pressure was far from off—now she would have to open up, or risk travelling down her current path and watching Olivia walk away. And if that happened, she knew her own life would be straddling a tightrope, ready to topple to the point of no return.

Part 3.

Amanda slumped down in the couch, keeping a few feet between her and Olivia, clutching the couch cushion like a life raft. On the way over, she'd said as little as possible, worried that everything she said would be used against her as a confession, as if she was a suspect who had just been taken into custody.

Olivia had tried, bless her, to diffuse the situation. "Amanda, all I want is for you to get better," she'd said as they made their way to the subway.

Her empathetic tone had brought tears to Amanda's eyes and caused anger to flush her face at the same time. Unsure what brought up that particular concoction of emotions, she'd settled the difference with a sigh. "You don't have to be Mother Teresa, Liv. Frankly, I'm not sure why you haven't booted me to the curb yet."

"Why do you think?"

She swung her arms to keep up her typical near-sprint of a walk. She was not ready to talk without the buffer of her counselor, so she'd dropped the subject with a quick shake of her head.

Now she sat in silence, unsure how to even begin this conversation and hoping Dr. Hanover would rescue her by asking a question. A wisp of blonde hair decorated the therapist's shoulder as she cradled a pen in her fingers, and she didn't disappoint. "Amanda, Olivia told me you had a rough night last night. But she didn't go into detail, because she said she didn't want to violate your trust."

Swallowing down the urge to make a sarcastic comment, Amanda brought a fist to rest against her mouth, and then said, "I've been…difficult to live with lately, I'm sure."

"Difficult how?"

She could feel the piercing stare from Olivia from the opposite end of the couch, and now she wondered if this three-way session was such a good idea. It was hard enough to open up without anyone else present. But she didn't know how else to express the buffet of feelings she constantly juggled lately.

Dropping her gaze to the floor, she said, "I've been drinking heavily."

Dr. Hanover brought the pen to her lips, and then dropped it to her lap to say, "Is that what happened last night? You drank too much?"

It was hard to speak through the gripping tightness in her throat. "Among other things." She sighed, realizing it would be best just to get it over with. Bringing a hand to her eyes to shield herself from the stare of her therapist, she said, "I lost it. I left Liv alone with the kids to go to a bar to drink. While I was there, I…" Slamming her eyes shut, she said, "My memory's fuzzy, but I lured a man into the bathroom and…groped him. I was going to hurt him. Liv burst in before I could."

Her breath barely made it out of her throat in rattled gasps. Surprisingly, Dr. Hanover didn't react by shaming her. Instead, she said calmly, "Why did you want to do that?"

Continuing to shield her eyes with her palm, Amanda said, "He hit on me. I thought he was a creep, and I wanted to punish him." She knew her reddened cheeks betrayed her true thoughts on the matter, but she said softly, "Now I've become the predator."

"Amanda." Dr. Hanover leaned forward. "Are you feeling bad about yourself for what you did to Patton?"

You think? It was so blatantly obvious to be laughable, and yet somehow it was still something she couldn't grasp on her own, and now she felt even more guilty and embarrassed for needing two other women to help her realize the truth about herself. "Yeah." She pulled her hand away from her eyes to stare at the wall, shaking her head in disbelief at Olivia's tolerance. "I don't even understand why Liv is still here. I mean, I've done so much. I've turned from a fierce defender of victims into a sodomizer. I've killed. I let Olivia go to prison for me, where she almost died—"

"That was on me," Olivia interjected, but Dr. Hanover silenced her by holding up one index finger.

"And now this, with the drinking and the man at the bar," continued Amanda.

Dr. Hanover sat very still, as if any movements might frighten off the trembling bird with the injured wing. "But don't you think at least some of those actions were justified? Possibly even self-defense? At the very least, it was self-preservation, if you were scared that Patton might go free to terrorize you again."

Amanda could feel Olivia waiting with baited breath, knowing she'd tried to make the same point before. But there was something more there, and before Amanda could censor herself, she said, "Or maybe I'm just white trash who can't control myself."

She could almost see the light bulb going off in Dr. Hanover's mind. "Tell me more about that."

Oh boy, she thought. Here we go, a can of worms I can never completely force back into the container. But she went with it before she could talk herself out of it. "I guess I thought I'd completely freed myself from my less than cultured childhood. I had hoped that because I was now in a prestigious career as a detective, I no longer had to be lumped in as a guest on a Jerry Springer episode. But I guess I can't ever escape my trailer trash roots."

Staring down at her hands, she realized that she'd thrown the truth out there for Olivia to digest, and now she wondered if Liv would ever feel the same about her again, realizing how closely the apple fell from the tree. After all, she had turned into her sister, and once Olivia made that connection, she would want to run away and never look back.

"And yet," said Dr. Hanover, "You haven't done anything this extreme before now. You suffered an extremely traumatic rape that landed you in the hospital. You had a powerful man try to assault you in prison. You watched the woman you love nearly die. And you were threatened with prison time. Any one of these things would be enough to send any woman into a downward spiral. Do you think you could forgive yourself?"

She stared at her hands while her fingers fiddled with one another. "I don't know. It's hard. My daddy, when he was in one of his drunken foul moods, used to say that I wasn't worth the pavement he spit on."

Now her therapist did audibly react with a gasp, and she could hear the rustle of Olivia's pants as she adjusted to the news of her father's proclamation. "That's really harsh, Amanda. And difficult programming to overcome. Let's get a second opinion. Olivia, I see you looking pretty alarmed over there. Do you want to tell Amanda what you think about her?"

Olivia cleared her throat, saying each word slowly and deliberately. "I think Amanda is an amazing woman."

"Say it to her," said Dr. Hanover.

Olivia turned her body in Amanda's direction, and Amanda responded by glancing at her out of the corner of her eye. "Amanda, I think you're incredibly strong for surviving what you have. You know my history, what I've been through. And yet I've never actually been raped. You've been through it twice, along with everything else the doctor pointed out. Honestly, I don't know if I would have reacted any better."

Amanda clenched her lips together, still having a hard time integrating the concept of herself as strong. But Olivia continued. "As for Patton, look what I did to William Lewis." Olivia place her hand between them, and Amanda knew it was an invitation, but she still didn't feel worthy enough to accept it. "You've told me what you went through, shared every emotional detail of that day. But until someone is in that position, has experienced themselves what it's like to fear that every breath might be their last, praying that he'll finally end the pain by crawling off you with his crushing weight…."

Amanda squeezed her eyes tight, trying to block out the images of Patton's leering face over her, the pain of his teeth on her flesh, the stabbing sting of his physical violation. Olivia grabbed her hand now, and she didn't pull away. "Amanda, nobody—and I mean nobody—has the right to tell you how you should react to such a brutal horrific attack."

Amanda tried to gulp down her tears, but they started to flow anyway. She forced her eyes open so she could meet Olivia's tender gaze. Liv's eyes were stained red as well, and she continued. "As for your character, you are one of the most amazing, beautiful, passionate, caring people I know. I love you, and even with the things you've done lately, I understand why you've acted the way you have, and I still admire you and care for you deeply."

The trickle of tears turned into a river now, threatening to become a deluge. She licked her lips and voiced a question she'd been terrified to ask. "And…what if…what if I keep up the same behavior? Will there come a time when you'll decide to walk away?"

Olivia's mouth twisted as she prepared to answer, but Dr. Hanover spoke before she got the chance. "What do you think, Amanda? Would you expect her to stick around if you kept up that behavior?"

Amanda bit her bottom lip, knowing the answer but too afraid to verbalize it, lest it come true. Her therapist saved her by saying, "But I have a lot of confidence that it's not going to come to that, because you're here, and you have one of the most supportive people you could ask for sitting right next to you. So, let's go over a plan."

Amanda glanced at Olivia, who looked relieved not to have to confirm what Dr. Hanover had implied—that she indeed would have to abandon Amanda if she continued to drink herself into a stupor and rush into the arms of strange men so that she could exact revenge on a long-dead threat. Amanda shuddered at her lack of confidence in her own ability to resist her self-destructive impulses.

Dr. Hanover brought the pen to pad and began to scribble while she spoke. "Olivia said she was worried because you expressed suicidal ideations last night." Amanda cringed at the fragile tenderness in her tone. "Are you feeling like hurting yourself?"

Amanda exhaled a sharp sigh, not knowing how to answer that. "Not right at the moment. I have thoughts…"

"Tell me about those thoughts."

Olivia's stare grew more alarmed, her mouth dropping open at the mere suggestion that she might end her own life. "I just—there are times I think I wish I wasn't here, because I don't deserve to be here. And because…it's just so hard."

Dr. Hanover laid the pen down on the pad now so she could meet Amanda's gaze. "Hard how?"

Amanda brought her fingertips of her free hand to her temple, trying to force herself not to zone out so she could articulate feelings she had buried deep in her psyche. "Ever since I testified in court, I feel like if I let my guard down for a second, these sensations come washing over me."

She stopped, because now her skin began to crawl, feeling someone else's flesh slithering against her own. She white-knuckled her hand around Olivia's fingers, but Liv didn't pull away. "What kind of sensations?" said Dr. Hanover.

Eyes slammed shut, Amanda began to shiver, and a tiny whimpering sound escaped her throat. "Disgusting, like my skin isn't my own, like he's on me and in me and smothering me. His sweat, his moisture, his saliva." She shuddered in revulsion. "And so I—I shut it out, and then I feel nothing, just absolutely numb, like I don't exist."

But she could feel something now, Olivia's thumb gliding over the crook of her hand, and she heard Liv's breathing thicken. Her therapist said, "How do you feel now?"

Every muscle in her body was clenched, and her teeth ground against each other so hard that her jaw hurt. "I feel…like I just want to shed my skin, like I want to hop in the shower and scrub it all off." Tears tore at her eyes, burning hot against her cheeks. "I'm afraid he'll always be with me, inside me, taunting me, hurting me."

She started to pant now, feeling like her breaths couldn't come fast enough, and sobs mixed in, making it even harder to gasp enough air into her lungs. Dr. Hanover must have seen her distress, because she said, "Okay, let's slow it down, Amanda. Try to take some deep breaths."

Amanda opened her eyes, staring at her therapist in desperation as her breaths accelerated even more, and now her chest tightened in panic. "I—I can't," she gasped.

Olivia moved closer to her and snatched her other hand off her lap, and squeezed both of them. "Look at me, Amanda," she said.

Amanda nodded tersely as she made eye contact, but her breaths still came in short, abrupt thrusts that left her light-headed. Olivia said, "Focus on me. My eyes, my hands. Try to match my breath."

Olivia took two deep, soothing breaths, and Amanda poured all her focus on Olivia, but the most she could manage was about twice the speed of Olivia's breathing. She willed her chest to slow down, using Olivia's soft hands as a focal point, and now she felt her breaths slowing, interrupted only by a few hiccupping sobs here and there. "That's it," said Olivia. "Nice and slow."

Amanda felt her limbs begin to relax, and she pulled a hand away from Olivia to wipe tears from her cheeks. She took in deep, life-giving inhalations, grateful that she hadn't passed out. Dr. Hanover handed her a tissue, and she took it and used it to sop up more tears while her therapist said, "Do you get panic attacks like this often?"

She sniffled and said, "Sometimes."

"Okay. Would you be open to taking medication for anxiety?"

Olivia rubbed her back, still clutching one of Amanda's hands. "I suppose," she said, her voice sounding weak and fragile.

"You have a great support person here," Dr. Hanover waved a hand in Olivia's direction. "I'd like to see you let your guard down and let her help you through the rough times. Ask her for help when you need it."

Amanda nodded, blotting away new tears with the tissue. "And the other thing is," her therapist continued, "If you're willing, I want you to sign a contract with me saying you promise not to do anything to hurt yourself. Usually it's for suicide and self-harm, but I want to also include drinking or anything else self-destructive, because I know that's how you handle your pain, right?"

"Yeah," she whispered, sucking back one more sob that stuck in her throat.

"And I want to see you twice a week for now, and Olivia, you need to continue to see your therapist as well, because both of you have been through some pretty awful things in the past, and you could get triggered." She turned her attention back to Amanda, her voice softening. "I can see that this is really hard for you, Amanda. These are extremely painful feelings coming to the surface, and they would be difficult for anyone. But they are especially challenging for you, because you want to push everything away. So, really nice work today. Always remember—this is temporary. Things will get better, I promise. And Olivia's right—you are an amazing person and you have lots of people who love and care about you, so try to remember that when you want to beat yourself up, okay?"

Amanda nodded, knowing that her time was about over. Her therapist leaned her elbows against her knees and said, "Is there anything else you want to say before we go today?"

She looked at Olivia and said, "Just…I love you, Liv." Olivia smiled weakly. "Thank you for saying it to me today. I think that's the first time you've told me that, and this is the first time I've felt loved by anybody, other than family."

Olivia brought a hand to Amanda's hair to caress it, gently sliding her fingers over Amanda's cheek. Feeling a sudden irresistible urge to be closer, Amanda brought her lips to Olivia's and kissed her softly, noticing how the touch didn't make her want to cringe, but instead made her want her want to dive deeper into her pliable mouth, savoring the texture and the taste, and Olivia took in her kiss willingly, passionately, moving her lips against Amanda until she pulled away. Staring into Olivia's eyes now, she could see hope for the future, and a refuge for the present.

"I love you too, Amanda. More than I've ever loved anyone."