It was a couple of hours after midnight when Olivia felt Savina shift slightly against her. She looked down, her hand instinctively coming up to brush her hair away from her temple, and saw her eyes fluttering open. She remained quiet, waiting to see if Savina will simply change positions and fall back asleep, or if she'll wake up. She smiled softly – the tears already pooling at the corners of her eyes – when Savina's exhausted brown eyes looked up at her. And that's when she finally saw just how much Savina really was exhausted.
"Hey." Savina croaked out groggily, still not aware of where she was.
"Hey, sweetheart." Olivia cooed lovingly, hoping the still-sleepy Savina wouldn't pick up on the tears.
But alas, her hopes crashed when Savina frowned at her, before her eyes seemingly finally took in the scene around the two of them.
"Why are we in a hospital? What happened?" She asked, as she looked down at herself, frowning at the gown and IV in her hand.
"You collapsed at school." Olivia cleared her throat, in an effort to push the tears back down.
Savina groaned loudly at that, and moved onto her back, effectively breaking out of Olivia's arms, as she rubbed her face with her hands a few times. Olivia sat up straight, and moved on the bed so she was facing Savina. "What's the last thing you remember?" Olivia wondered.
Savina blinked a few times, as she sighed loudly. Olivia took her hand into her own.
"I think home room. We had English Lit, Diana and I were standing by the lockers getting our books. I was a little dizzy, she was talking about something, and then it's just blank…." She trailed off.
"Diana said your eyes were out of focus, and you told her you weren't feeling well." Olivia relayed. "Mom, it's not drugs." Savina immediately went on the defense, and Olivia smiled as she tried to hold back the tears in her eyes. "I know, baby." She assured her. "They told me you haven't been sleeping well," she started, and Savina averted her eyes. "Yeah, the past couple of days I didn't get much sleep." Savina lied.
Olivia's heart broke. Savina was still trying to hide how bad it was from her. She knew Savina would probably downplay it, and a part of her thought of waiting for their session with Lindstrom, or even the psychiatrist the hospital called. But no, she was the parent. She was her mother. She had been dropping the ball enough with Savina, she wasn't going to keep doing it. She was going to go at this head-on.
"That's not what Finn and Barba said." She shot back softly, and Savina's eyes snapped up to look at her in surprise. "They both said that you haven't been sleeping well since I was taken," Olivia continued. "And Diana said that it got worse lately." She added.
"Don't worry about it, Mom." Savina said, as she squeezed Olivia's hand. "Before…. Well, that was a unique and unexpected situation, so…." She shrugged. "And since the move, I guess I was just trying to get used to the new place."
"Because Mason is no longer there?" Olivia provided.
"Yeah. Having him close by made it easier I guess." Savina agreed, but Olivia wasn't convinced. She saw the relief in Savina's eyes when she mentioned Mason. She gave her an out, an alternate reason to the real one.
She was about to press her further for an answer, when a nurse entered the room.
"Hello, Savina. I'm Hannah, I'm your night nurse. If you need anything just press the call button," the older woman said, smiling warmly at Savina, who smiled back. "I will get some vitals, and be out of your hair. How long have you been up?" she asked.
"A few minutes." Savina answered.
"And how do you feel?" the nurse asked once more.
Savina chuckled. "I'm still a little sleepy actually." She confessed.
"Well, with the numbers you came in with, that's no surprise. I'm almost done, and I will let you go back to bed." The nurse said kindly, as she wrote down a few numbers, before she took her leave.
"How long have I been out?" Savina wondered, looking back at Olivia.
"Since about 10 am, and it's almost 3 am right now." Olivia informed her, and Savina's eyebrows shot up her forehead. "You opened your eyes once, saw me here, and just went back to sleep." Olivia added.
"I must've been really out of it if I slept through the squad calling," she quipped, and Olivia chuckled.
"You also slept through Barba and Finn visiting." She told her.
"Rafa came?" Savina asked in surprise.
Olivia nodded. "Twice actually. I was spiraling down a rabbit hole, and he came back with pizza."
Savina smiled. "He's surprisingly calm under stress, and keeps those around him grounded."
"Why didn't you tell me you two were keeping in touch?" Olivia asked her.
"I did. After what happened, I told you he checked on you all the time." Savina pointed out.
"Savina." Olivia started, sighing heavily. She could see how exhausted Savina still looked, but she couldn't keep postponing that talk any further. After all, that was how they ended up here. "You know that's not what I mean. We've been doing this dance for a while, where you tell me half the story, or avoid the subject all together. And it's on me for letting it go this long," she continued. "I promised you more than once that I will stop dropping the ball with you, and I haven't been keeping my word on that," she choked out. "But I will keep it now. I'm not letting this slide. You collapsed at school. Something is going on, and we need to get through it together." She vowed.
Despite her best efforts, a few tears were sliding down her cheeks, as she held the identical set of brown eyes that belonged to her daughter. The pair that, at the moment, held more guilt than Olivia thought a human being was capable of feeling. She desperately wanted to hash it out right then and there, and make it all go away. But she figured they better do it with a professional around.
Savina's only response was to sit up, and fling her arms around Olivia's neck as she rested her head on her shoulder. "This isn't on you, Mom. I promise." She said softly, and Olivia swallowed the sob before it escaped, and simply tightened her arms around Savina.
Olivia's night was anything but peaceful. Savina had fallen asleep as soon as Olivia laid down with her, and once again snuggled up to Olivia – who did not mind at all. The day was long and hard on her, and in a way, having Savina sleeping soundly in her arm somehow proved to her that her daughter still felt safe with her.
She was not ready to wake up when the persistent buzzing woke her up. She looked down at Savina, and found her sleeping soundly with her back turned towards her. She twisted her arm awkwardly towards the bedside table, seeing as how Savina still had her other arm trapped under her.
"Hello." She said groggily into the phone without checking the ID.
"Good morning, Detective." The gruff voice on the other end spoke, and her mind immediately placed it.
"What can I do for you, Tucker?" she asked bluntly.
"Your squad made the collar last night. Your boyfriend barely scraped by." He notified her.
"He's not my boyfriend." She interrupted.
"Anyways, the weak-link is the female cop. I think she'll respond better to you." He stated.
"Tucker, this isn't my case. My daughter is still in the hospital, and there's no way I'm leaving her." She shot back.
"Oh!" to his credit, he did sound surprised, which made her frown in confusion. "I thought you stepped away because Cassidy was the UC." He said, the earlier bite in his tone suddenly gone. She never thought Tucker had a human side to him. "Everything alright?" he asked.
"Yeah. She overworked herself." She twisted the truth a bit. No need for IAB to know her personal business. Though she was sure it was only a matter of time before this will come up in an investigation. "Isn't Rollins there?" she wondered.
"Yeah. But she's been with her partner for years, and I thought you'd be able to connect to her more." He explained, and she immediately understood what he was actually saying. After all, it was no secret that everyone thought she had feelings for Elliot.
"Wish I could help." She simply said. No point in saying more, really.
Once she got off the phone, she realized that her very full bladder needed her immediate attention. She gently pried her arm from under Savina, before she jumped into the bathroom. She once more found herself standing in front of the mirror staring at her reflection, as the water ran from the faucet.
She went back to the day the pregnancy test showed that little plus sign that turned her whole world upside down. Her hand had immediately flown to her stomach, as tears of joy and fear pooled into her eyes.
She remembered the first time she walked into a baby supply store. How overwhelmed she was by everything. How lost she was.
The first sonogram; when the doctor told her she was having a girl; when she came home loaded with a ton of pink and purple things for the baby; the day she put the crib together. And despite her best efforts; she found her mother's voice echoing unwelcomed into her thoughts.
"You know how you came into this world, Olivia. What kind of a mother do you think that'll make you? That kid is better off without you!"
She didn't remember a specific incident when her mother said those words, because she said them more times than Olivia cared to count.
Could Serena be right? How long could she go on denying that she was more like her mother than she cared to admit? A part of her was always angry at Serena for how badly she handled having her around. But here she was, standing in the bathroom of a hospital room where her daughter lay in its bed hooked up to an IV because she collapsed at school! Her own child!
She remembered the numerous times she promised a young Savina that she won't be like Serena. That she will have it better than she ever did.
Almost fifteen years ago….
Olivia leaned against the nun, her breath coming out short, labored and fast. The sweat that adorned her forehead trickling down to give her a face a nice glow that went along with the dark blush she had in her cheeks. Her cheeks were wet, a mix of tears and sweat.
"I can't do this anymore." She cried, shaking her head as it fell back against the nun behind her. Her dark-brown locks sticking at weird angles to her head and neck.
"Yes, you can. I know it's hard, and scary. Just one more big push and you'll have her in your arms." The nun kneeling between Olivia's spread legs instructed.
"You can do it, Olivia. For your daughter." The nun behind her soothed gently as she gently dabbed her forehead with a towel to wipe away at the sweat.
Olivia could feel the next contraction coming, so she took as deep a breath as she could, pulled her knees further towards her chest, and let out a loud scream as she pushed down as hard as she could. As her scream gave into a relieved cry, it mixed with the high-pitched wail of a new born.
The nuns were right, the pain was gone, and was immediately replaced with an intense need to see and hold her child. She saw the nun wrapping the baby in something, as she made quick work of the umbilical cord.
"Here you go, Momma. A healthy baby girl, with a very healthy set of lungs." The nun cooed as she handed Olivia the wailing infant.
Olivia immediately pulled her close to her chest. "It's okay." She soothed tearfully.
It took a few seconds of gentle rocking for the baby to calm down, and look up at Olivia. But when she did…..every second of the past nine months faded into nothingness, and it was all worth it.
Back at the hospital….
She'd spent the hours after the delivery spouting off every vow under the sun to Savina. But they were all part of the same theme; that she won't become her mother.
She leaned heavily against the sink; the weight she'd been lugging around for months suddenly became too heavy. She had to pull herself up, she couldn't let Lewis get away with this any longer. She'd been telling herself that she didn't let him get in-between her and Savina; but the truth was that he did. But it stopped now.
She found Savina sitting up in bed when she exited the bathroom. She smiled at her. "Good morning, sweetheart."
"Morning." Savina mumbled back, as she yawned and rubbed her eyes.
"You can sleep in if you still want to." Olivia suggested softly, as she pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and felt her shake it. "No. I want to get out of here. And the faster I'm awake, the faster the doctor can sign off on my discharge." She stated, just as a knock sounded.
"Come in." Both brunettes chorused. The door opened, and two doctors walked in. Olivia recognized the doctor from the day before whom she spoke to when Savina was admitted, and she easily guessed that the other was the psychiatrist they called judging by how he was "subtly" studying the two.
"Good morning, Ms. Benson. I'm Dr. Langston. I was the one on-call when you were admitted yesterday, and this is Dr. Hanson, a colleague. Do you mind if we check up on you?" Dr. Langston said with courteous smile on his face.
Savina gave this Dr. Hanson a look, and he smiled warmly at her. "You're a psychiatrist." She stated matter-of-factly, and the older doctor chuckled. "You're very perceptive." He commented, as he extended his hand to shake Olivia's hand. "You must be Sargent Benson."
Olivia shook his offered hand, but did nothing to disguise her scrutinizing look. He smiled politely at her, before he turned his gaze back to Savina. "And how do you feel this morning?" he asked sweetly.
Savina smiled, as she reached for Olivia's hand and squeezed it.
"Dr. Hanson, I appreciate the gesture, and I realize how this looks. A 14-year-old collapsing at a private school raises a fleet of red flags, especially when she doesn't show any signs of drug use. So, the only logical explanation is some form of abuse or negligence," she started, and the doctor couldn't hide how impressed he was.
"I didn't realize you were in pre-law." He joked, and she chuckled.
"My mother has been a cop all my life, which also meant I grew up around enough ADAs. Which is why I know this doesn't look good, and why you're here." She responded. "She was also kidnapped by a psychopath in May, and held captive for four day," she said, and Dr. Hanson – for his part – did look taken aback. "So, as you can imagine, we both went through a lot these past few months. It did take its toll on me, I haven't been sleeping well, and I guess when school started it took a bigger toll on my body than I thought." She finished her explanation.
"And how have you been handling this?" Dr. Hanson directed his question at Olivia, who was taken aback by the question.
"I thought I was the one being evaluated?" Savina interjected.
"It's okay, sweetheart." Olivia soothed her prancing daughter. "I took time off work, I've been seeing a specialist two or three times a week, and we moved apartments." Olivia listed.
"Yes. But it is my understanding that you're a single parent. And in a situation like the one you dealt with, it's not uncommon to lose your footing for a while, and maybe miss a few signs, or not pay attention…" he was interrupted by Olivia. "You think I don't pay attention to my daughter?" she almost hissed.
"Oh, Officer Benson," he started, and was once again interrupted by Olivia. "It's Sargent. I'm an SVU Sargent, and have been in the unit for fifteen years. I know how things fall through the cracks with parents, but that is not the case." She defended.
"Sargent Benson, I didn't mean to offend. This is an impossible hand, and I appreciate everything you tried to do. But the reality of the situation is your daughter collapsed at school because of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which doesn't happen overnight, or over the course of two days. Obviously, she hasn't been sleeping for a lot longer than you both claim." Dr. Hanson immediately went on the offense, and stated his claim.
Before either Bensons could respond, another knock sounded. "Come in." Savina called, as she sat up straighter in her bed, and let out an audible sigh of relief when the open door revealed a suspicious-looking Barba.
"Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba, I'm the ADA assigned to SVU. Something I can do for you?" he inquired sternly, as he put his brief case down on the chair and walked closer to the bed.
"Dr. Hanson here is not-so-subtly accusing Mom of negligence." Savina deadpanned, and Barba's face immediately went from barely-obscured suspicion, to the face he saved for those suspects who got on his nerve in a unique way.
"Ms. Benson, that wasn't my intention. I would never accuse a victim…" and for the third time in less than half an hour, he was interrupted a third time….by Barba.
"Dr. Hanson, no offense, but you clearly have no experience dealing with survivors of such situations," he started, holding in his smile at Savina's snort when he said 'no offense'. It was no secret that when he said that, that he was about to rip into you, politely! "Sargent Benson has been regularly seeing Dr. Peter Lindstrom, who is an expert in his field. And she has a session booked with him for this afternoon for Savina. I understand that this is procedure, but I assure you, Sargent Benson is doing everything she can." He said decisively.
Olivia frowned slightly at the Lindstrom comment because she hadn't really made the appointment yet.
"Mr. Barba. It was never my intention to offend. And I am sorry if I did. But Sargent Benson is a single mother in a high-stress, high-demanding job. And with the situation as it is, it is not uncommon for mistakes to be made, for things to fall through the cracks." Dr. Hanson defended his position once more.
"Yes, which is why they say 'it takes a village', because no one can do it alone." Barba shot back.
"It doesn't seem like a village exists." Dr. Hanson all but snapped.
"I wouldn't be here if it didn't." Barba fired back. "I can have Dr. Lindstrom's office fax over her appointment confirmation if it will move things along." Barba directed his last comment at Dr. Langston. And that comment made Olivia frown even more.
"That's not necessary." Dr. Langston intervened. "I reviewed her medical records, there are no signs of abuse or negligence of Sargent Benson's part. And I think under the circumstances, it is not the worse outcome. So as long as Savina gets enough rest from now on, and follows through with Dr. Lindstrom, she should be fine." He stated. "Her latest blood work shows progress, so I'm comfortable with sending her home." He added.
"Thank you, doctors." Barba nodded at them, as they finally took their leave.
Olivia let out a breath she didn't realize was holding, and Savina groaned loudly as she threw her head back onto the bed. "Thank God you came when you did, I'm not sure I would've kept my cool for long." She said to Barba.
"Anytime, Sav. How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Hungry, and want to get out of here." She replied truthfully.
"I think Dr. Langston will get you out of here soon." He told her.
"Barba, I couldn't have been happier to see you. But what would you have done if they did ask for that appointment confirmation? I didn't make one yet." Olivia stated worriedly.
"I did. I anticipated that their on-call psychiatrist might not be the most experienced when dealing with this situation, so I called Dr. Lindstrom and made the appointment so we can move things along. You can reschedule it later." He explained, and she was so relieved that she simply exhaled loudly as she rubbed her face, and forgot to say anything back. He took her silence as her way of trying to come up with a way to tell him he crossed a line. "Liv, if I overstepped, I'm sorry, I…." she shook her head, and looked up at him. And that's when he saw the gratitude in her eyes. "Barba, you didn't overstep. You did exactly what you do best. You had my back!"