CHAPTER 15: BEAUTIFUL & TERRIBLE

PERCY

When I returned to my dorm, I couldn't sleep. My mind was a haze of frustration—towards Annabeth, towards Sir. Towards the world in general. I was even frustrated with myself for not realising I loved Annabeth sooner, but I just hadn't expected that we'd ever be separated so harshly. I was desperate for a solution.

Soon enough, Annabeth would be on the other side of the world to me, and she wouldn't be coming back. I fiercely wanted to follow her, but how? I was stuck in Paris, bound to Sir by the deal we'd made. Even though I'd been in his good books lately, I doubted he'd let me accompany his niece even if I begged. Still, I was prepared to do anything. That had to be worth something, right?

I half-wondered if I was going crazy. I'd come here for Annabeth and stayed for her, even risked my life for her. Now I was contemplating returning to America, my stepfather's territory, just so I could remain by her side. Something was probably wrong with me, but I hardly cared. The kiss she and I had shared swirled in my memory, and my thoughts were choked by the broken reality of what we could've been.

As I lay in my bed waiting for dawn when I'd have to leave for early-rise training, I went over possible solutions to the problem in my head. I knew there was no point trying to convince Sir that Annabeth should stay; once he'd made a decision about anything, it was impossible to get him to change his mind. Also, there was no doubt Annabeth would be just as useful to the New York branch as to the Paris one, if not even more so. Her strategic mind and ruthlessness was perfect for leading drug operations—they were dangerous and convoluted, and staying out of the clutches of the police force was no small feat. She'd be perfect for it.

It seemed to be that my only option was to go with her. If I asked that outright, though, Sir would laugh in my face. I had to work out a way of obtaining some sort of leadership role over in New York, and to phrase the question in such a way to Sir that he thought I just wanted to climb the mafia's ranks. It sounded impossible, but after my success with assassinating Wade Wyatt a month ago, I'd stumbled into Sir's good graces. Now, I knew he saw me as an asset. Maybe even an ally.

Something came to me. Last week, I remembered hearing about an upcoming reconnaissance mission. It was meant to be long-term, and the authorities over there were looking for new leadership to head it up. I'd heard it was set to last for two months, if not longer. Though the rest of the details escaped me, I decided that this would be my best chance. If I stayed in Paris, I'd never see Annabeth again—that much was certain. Maybe it was stupid to place so much of my hope on whatever the hell it was that we had between us, but I didn't care. The thought of losing her scared me more than anything.

As soon as early-rise training finished, I changed out of my workout clothes and left quickly, waving off Rachel's concerns. "Just going to ask Lou-Ellen about next Monday's meeting," I lied, and thankfully Rachel didn't question me any further. I only had an hour's break between now and shooting practice, and I wanted to speak to Sir as soon as possible. It was vital that I got to him before he made any decisions about who was going to head the long-term operation over in New York.

I approached the door to his office, trying to slow my breathing. I had to remain as calm as possible; Sir would only listen to me if I kept a level head. Carefully, I raised my fist and knocked evenly on the door. No response for a moment, and then Sir's irritated voice barked, "Who is it?"

"Percy Jackson, Sir," I responded, flexing my knuckles to stop their tremor.

Silence for a moment as I waited. "Fucking come in, then." I did so, opening the door with a click. I'd never been in his office before, but I refrained from looking around at the dozens of immaculate rifles and shotguns lined up on the walls. Refusing to be intimidated, I closed the door behind me.

Sir was sitting at his desk, working on a stack of documents. His pen made an uncomfortable sound as it scratched against the paper with so much force that I was surprised the nib didn't break. Sir didn't look up, face shadowed by his white-blond hair. It was the same colour as Annabeth's, one of the features they shared. Not for the first time I wondered what had happened to Annabeth's dad, why he wasn't around anymore. Annabeth had told me he was dead, but she'd never elaborated any more than that. I cleared my throat, willing myself to speak. "Hello. Sorry for intruding, but I was hoping for the chance to speak to you."

Sir scoffed. "You already are." When I didn't respond for a moment, his cruel, charcoal gaze flickered up to mine. "Come on, out with it. Don't waste my time, recruit."

I took a deep breath, unconsciously lacing my fingers behind my back to straighten my posture. Whenever I'd spoken to Gabe in his office, he'd always berated me for slouching. "I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming reconnaissance mission in New York. I've been waiting for a leadership opportunity like this one for a while, and I think I'd be well-suited to it."

At that, Sir looked—not taken aback, but surprised that I'd brought it up. "That operation? And you're aware it's two months long?"

I nodded. "I know it's an unconventional mission and I'll need to devote a lot of time to it, but I'm certain that I'm the one you want." I paused, raising a brow. "Also, when I joined this organisation, you said you'd give me opportunities, ways to gain some traction back in this world. I've fallen far. I need this. I've done everything you've asked of me, and more."

Sir considered my words for a moment, leaning back in his chair. When he spoke, it was almost a shock. "Did you know that I originally chose Cupid to lead this mission?"

That was new information to me. "No, Sir."

"Well, I thought he'd do well on it. That was, until he almost blew himself to bits with a grenade and landed himself in the hospital." Sir laughed at my shocked expression. "That's right, I did work out how that happened. I'm not stupid—it doesn't take a genius to look at Cupid and Grace's petty little feud and figure out that Cupid might've tipped Wyatt off, then panicked when you ruined his plans. I owe you for that. Though, I can't say I'm surprised you managed to pull it off. I've heard a lot of things about the Butcher's stepson—and very few of them are good."

I didn't reply. I knew my reputation preceded me in the eyes of people like Sir, but I'd never really considered how much. "I was just following the mission," I replied.

Sir flapped a hand. "Don't play mindless soldier with me, Jackson. You and I are a lot alike. We know to tread carefully in this business, that ascending the ladder of life is difficult without pushing others off." He gathered the documents in front of him and compiled them into a neat stack, then pushed them to one side. "You may not believe it, but you've earned my confidence."

"Thank you, Sir." I wasn't sure what else to say.

Sir's gaze on my own was unwavering. "Now, I'm aware that your motivations regarding your transferral to the New York branch may not be entirely sound. Don't think I haven't noticed how close you've become to my niece. It's very interesting that now she's left for America, you're oh-so-eager to go there."

I opened my mouth to speak. "I—"

Sir held up a hand to interrupt me. "I will look past it. You've proven that my best interests align with your own, so I'm going to allow you to take leadership of this operation. What you want with Annabeth is nobody's concern, though the fact remains that she's under my protection. I'll have your flight to New York booked for tonight—I trust that's reasonable?"

Relief flooded me. "Yes, Sir. I won't let you down."

Sir nodded once. "New York is your stepfather's territory. This mission may put you at direct odds with his forces, as I'm sure you know. I will require concise weekly reports from you, and you will work with several other officers to handle your squads. This operation could last the allotted two months, or it could go on for far longer, depending on how your work unfolds." A cold smile tugged at Sir's mouth. "I have every faith that you will not fuck this up. If you do, there will be consequences. Do we understand each other?"

"Of course, Sir," I said. "Thank you."

"I will excuse you from this afternoon's training so you can tie up any loose ends before you leave, and I'll have my assistant send you the details of your journey. You are excused."

I left quickly, apprehension pooling in the pit of my stomach.

Right after the morning's shooting practice ended, I went to Reyna. I tugged on her sleeve to grab her attention as the rest of the squad dissolved to head to feeding. She looked surprised that I wanted to talk to her. "Percy. What can I do for you?"

I decided to get it out quickly. "I'm leaving the Paris branch. I asked Sir if I could head an operation in New York, and he agreed."

A jumbled array of emotions flitted across Reyna's features. She seemed to settle on anger, clenching her jaw. "What? You're leaving the squad?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "You did so much for me by letting me join, and I'm grateful for that. But this is important to me. I—"

"I know, I know. Honestly, I don't want Annabeth alone in New York any more than you do. I can see where you're coming from by following her, but..." Reyna shook her head. "You're my best recruit, Jackson, and I'm expecting to show your damn face back in Paris when the mission's over, alright?"

I smiled. "Thanks, Reyna. Don't worry, I'm not leaving forever. I'd hate to leave you alone to deal with Grace."

Reyna rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just do me a favour and look after Annabeth, okay? I know you probably won't get to see her much, with all the shit you'll be working on, but at least keep an ear out for what she's up to."

"I will," I promised. "If I have my way with it, she won't have to be in New York for long."

Reyna nodded stiffly. A little reluctantly, she pulled me into a hug. "Don't get your dick shot off by your fuckhead stepdad," she muttered into my shoulder.

I laughed, letting go of her. "I'll try."

Reyna half-smiled. "You know, when you first came, I hardly trusted you as far as I could throw you. I don't know how you wormed your way into my good books, Jackson, but you did. I'm sorry to see you go." She ruffled my hair, expression the kindest I'd ever seen on her. Then she turned to leave, tossing a few final words over her shoulder. "Remember, look after Annie for me!"

She was gone before I could summon a reply.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. As Sir had let me off from afternoon training, I spent the time packing up the few possessions I'd accumulated into a suitcase, which was mostly clothes except for my toiletries, a charcoal portrait I'd let Rachel draw of me, some cash, and a few books Annabeth had lent me. I still hadn't finished The Rose Society, which I'd started a month ago. I also texted Piper, saying that I was leaving the country for a couple months but that I'd definitely be back to see her. I'll keep in touch, I typed, then added a smiley face. I was worried Piper would panic about it, but I hoped she knew that I sure as shit wasn't just gonna leave her to rot. When she made it out of rehab, I'd be waiting. There was no doubt about that.

By the time I finished packing, I'd barely even filled a suitcase. I'd organised a backpack for the flight, too, which held my earphones, a neck pillow, and The Rose Society. Hopefully I'd get through a bit more of it so I could eventually pick up the final book in the trilogy.

When I checked the time on my phone, I realised it was almost evening feeding. I'd have to shower and eat fast in order to catch my flight. Quickly, I showered and then changed into some jeans and a t-shirt, shrugging my old leather jacket over my shoulders.

I headed down to feeding, feeling more comfortable now I was out of my recruit uniform. The mess hall was packed tonight; it was Saturday, and socialising was in order before everyone got blackout drunk in the rec room, ready for a Sunday lie-in. I went and grabbed my food—a couple slices of pizza—before I heard someone yell my name. I spun around to see Lou Ellen waving at me, calling me over to sit with her. Grace was sitting opposite. He looked tired and was tucking hard into a plate of cold pasta. I walked over to them and sat down next to Lou Ellen. "Hi. You alright?" I greeted her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Lou Ellen's face was stony as she leaned on her fist. "Heard from Reyna you're leaving town."

"Yeah, I know. I'll be back in two months though, if all goes well."

"And if it doesn't?"

Shrugging, I picked up a slice of pizza. "Then I guess I'll be longer."

"It's no secret why you're going, Jackson. It's obvious, from the way you look at Chase."

I sighed. "Just drop it, alright? I'm aware it's probably stupid. But Sir was always gonna assign me to a new operation anyway. It's better that it's this one, as I know I'll at least come back to Paris. It'll probably be hell while I'm there, but fuck it. I'm all in now."

Lou Ellen laughed. "No point persuading you otherwise, huh? You're more impulsive than Grace." At that, Jason didn't even lift his eyes from his food, only flipped her off with the hand that wasn't on his fork. Lou Ellen stretched and picked up her empty tray. "Alright. I'll see you when you get back, Jackson. Don't be a stranger, yeah?"

"I won't," I answered. Lou Ellen clapped me on the back as she left, already yelling someone's name who was across the mess hall.

Across from me, Jason looked up. He really did look tired. Dark half-moons ringed his bright eyes, and his posture was absolutely shit. When he spoke, I wasn't expecting it. "How'd you convince Sir?" he mumbled around a mouthful of pasta.

"He thinks I want to gain power," I replied. "I said some shit about wanting opportunities, and as Cupid's out of action, Sir needed someone else to head the operation anyway."

"You're an idiot," Grace said, blunt as anything.

I choked on my pizza. "What?"

"You're an idiot for sacrificing your place here. There's no way the mission won't go on longer than two months, and even though it could give you a push through the ranks, what if you mess it up? You'll fall out of Sir's good graces and you'll be back to square one."

"I'm not going to screw it up," I insisted. "And if I never take risks, I'll never make it out of here. I know you of all people can relate to that."

Jason shook his head as he returned to his food. "Just don't come crying to us when you realise you've fucked up."

I felt myself getting angry. I put down my pizza, glaring at Jason. "You know what? You're right. If I fail, there'll be consequences. I'll lose any status I could've stood to gain. I'll lose my place here. Hell, I'll even lose Annabeth. But I know how to lead missions and I know how to strategize, so I'm not going to fail."

Jason didn't even look shocked at my outburst. Instead, he laughed. "You and Beth suit each other, alright."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Jason raised his hands in surrender. "Nothing, nothing." He grinned sharply, spearing a few pieces of pasta with his fork. "Maybe I don't think you should go, but I can still see why you want to. Before you showed up, Annabeth was different. More focused, more closed-off. Anyone can see that you two are good together."

I wasn't sure what to say. Glumly, I picked up my slice of pizza again. "It's not like any of that matters, now. Annabeth already said that she doesn't want to take a chance on us. She said she doesn't want either of us to get hurt, but I know it's only because she's afraid." I stared at my drooping pizza slice, no longer feeling an appetite. "I just don't know how to show her that she doesn't have to be."

Jason raised a brow. "Quit thinking about it, Jackson. You've made the first step—you're following her to America, for fuck's sake. Let things be. Concentrate on not screwing up your operation, as that's what you really need to worry about."

"Yeah, I know," I sighed. We ate in silence for a few moments, the air heavy with everything we'd left unsaid. Just then, something occurred to me. "Hey, Grace."

"Uh huh?"

"Can you do me a favour?"

Jason cocked a brow. "Depends what the favour is."

"Would you visit Piper for me while I'm gone? She's in rehab, and I just want to make sure she has someone to check on her. I know you only spoke to her a couple times, but I'd really appreciate it."

Jason thought for a moment. "What's in it for me?"

I grimaced. "I'll owe you one?"

"Whatever," he groaned. "Send me the details over text."

"Thanks, man," I grinned.

Jason pointed his fork at me, accusing. "As long as your friend doesn't bite my head off when I show up."

I laughed. "No promises."

After feeding, I rushed back to my dorm. The time on my phone read 9:30. My flight was at midnight—I'd have to be quick. This time, I'd be taking a normal flight, unlike when we'd flown for the Wyatt mission. There was no need to commandeer a flight as there was only one of me and I wasn't taking any illegal shit, so it wouldn't be hard to fly under the radar.

I pushed open the door to my dorm, intending to grab my suitcases and leave. But as I stepped inside, I ran into Rachel. Her arms were folded, gaze stern. "Et où pensez-vous que vous allez?" she asked angrily, gesturing to the suitcase lying on my mattress.

I rubbed the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, Rach," I replied, following suit in French. "I know this is sudden, but I've taken leadership of a mission in America. It's two months—"

"Two months?" Rachel spat. "And you didn't think to tell me? You were just going to leave without saying goodbye?"

"I thought it'd be easier," I said. "It's shit, I know, but I promise I'll be back."

Rachel glared at me, then heaved a sigh. She stepped forward and hugged me. Her frizzy hair tickled my jaw. "Je sais que tu le feras," she mumbled. "Keep in touch, okay? I'm gonna miss my roommate." She pulled away. A smudge of red paint on her t-shirt had come off on the hem of my jacket.

"Of course I will," I assured her. I reached down and picked up my suitcase, sliding out the handle. Rachel passed me my backpack for the flight. I shrugged it on, smiling at her. "Thanks. Look after yourself, yeah?"

Rachel nodded. Her pale green eyes flickered, and she turned back to the painting she was working on. So far she'd only laid down the dark underpainting, but I could tell it was going to look good. "I'll see you in two months," she called over her shoulder.

I left, saying a final goodbye.

Two hours later, I boarded the flight to New York. The unsettling feeling whenever I stepped on a plane began to tickle at me, but I squashed the nausea before it could rise. I didn't have time to be scared; I had to stay focused.

I found my seat, which was thankfully by the window—at least I'd feel a little less claustrophobic here. I unpacked my bag, opening The Rose Society on my lap. It was good that I'd brought it, as I doubted I'd be able to snatch a lot of sleep. As the plane shakily took off into negative space, my knuckles went white on the book's pages as I stared blankly at the inky words. Fear gripped my ribcage, and it took me almost a minute to make it through one complete sentence. Then another. Then another. In the silence, I sit alone on my throne and wait eagerly for all the satisfaction and triumph to hit me. I wait, and wait, and wait. But it doesn't come.

Once the plane felt still again, I made myself look up and out of the window. We were soaring high above the city. In the darkness, Paris glistened with thousands of specks of golden light. The sky was bereft of clouds, the air clear of fog. It looked beautiful and terrible, a conscious being in its own right.

I found it difficult to believe that I'd lived in this place for well over a year now. In it, I'd slept on the streets, sung in bars, and been tortured. I'd fallen back hard into my old life, but...I'd met Annabeth. Annabeth. I was going to see her again—if she wanted to see me. I hoped she would.

Somehow, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wouldn't be returning here for a long time.

Thanks for reading, let me know if you enjoyed this update! I'm currently in the process of drafting a couple other shortish fics as well as working to finish Cigarette Daydreams, but I'm hoping to start outlining another longer, multi-chap fic like this one pretty soon. I've got some ideas brewing but I also want to write the kind of stuff you guys would like to read, so if there's any themes or AUs you'd like me to explore I'd love to hear them :)

As always, you can find the aesthetic board for this fic on pinterest! My account is suicidal_stolen_art