Logan had been sitting by her bed for the last 8 hours- if Rory didn't wake up soon it was going to be Lorelai's shift and he had promised everyone, but especially Honor, that he'd leave the hospital to shower and maybe get a few hours of sleep in an actual bed, but was terrified to actually leave. The good news was that yesterday they had extubated her, she'd only had to be on a ventilator for about 36 hours, which was an incredible sign.
Then again, maybe it was a good sign, the more sleep she got, the faster she would recover, right? He just really missed her eyes and her smile… and the way she would say "Logan, you don't have to do that, even if I did need my pillow fluffed, I'm sure that the nurses could fluff them for me." She would sound so exasperated, but loving at the same time- he missed that tone in her voice.
He was brought out of that thought by a cough... and a gasp. It was raspy, but it was definitely hers and he'd happily take what he could get. He moved to the edge of his seat, almost flush with her her bed, holding her hand as she turned her face to look at him, stroking her cheek softly with his other hand.
"Hey, Ace, it's me. How are you feeling?" He really hated to see the cracked lips, her pale skin, the bags under her eyes… Would this ever not break his heart? He reached for a nearby cup of water, it had a long, insanely bendy straw in it that Lorelai had brought in, insisting it would make Rory smile- and she did notice it and try as she took cautious sips of water. After a minute, her trembling hands pushed it away, she'd had enough.
"Logan." It was barely more than a whisper, and pretty raspy at that, but he didn't give a damn, he'd take it happily after 50+ hours of nothing.
"Yeah, it's me, I've been here." She managed a small smile at that, turning her face into his palm that he'd put right under her, needing as much connection to her as was possible.
"I..." But she was too tired to complete any kind of complex sentence. "I love you."
"I love you too." And with that she just started to nod off to sleep, basking in those words and his touch. Just before she succumbed she managed to get out, "You need a shave." He smiled. That could be arranged.
Lorelai and Christopher were elated when they showed up 1/2 hour later that Rory woke up, but sad to have missed it. They promised to message him if she woke up again before he was back, but she was doing so much better today, maybe he could try for a hedonistic 6-8 hours of sleep before returning. He doubted he could manage that long, but promised to at least try.
He returned 7 hours later, having slept better than he had in days, freshly showered and cleanly shaved, as per her request. He had showered and shaved before sleeping, planning to be up the second Chris and Lorelai messaged that she was awake, but that had been about 20 minutes right after he fell asleep and he didn't hear it... then again an hour ago- that time, the third message woke him up and he was off to the hospital like a shot, entering her room to her, Christ and Lorelai watching Golden Girls, she seemed relatively alert and his eyes lit up the second he connected with those baby blues of hers.
At the end of the episode Lorelai and Christopher left, it was their shift to sleep and meet with their realtor, they had decided with everything going on, they just couldn't justify staying in the Crap Shack... but had also come up with the perfect solution, Lane and Zack were going to rent it from them- another family of people who would love it like she and Rory had. Logan kicked off his shoes and motioned for Rory to scoot in the bed so they could watch Golden Girls together, he'd never admit it, but the show was funny.
They made it through most of an episode before she hesitantly said his name.
"Logan? I want you to know, mom and dad have told me how amazing you've been. All this time, you were here, taking care of me. And I wanted to say thank you."
"Ace, we've been through this- you don't ever have to thank me for this. There is nowhere else I could be. It's you and me, til the wheels fall off." But something about what he just said had tears really streaming now, Rory was crying- why was she crying? Was she in pain?
She felt like it was a few years ago, they had almost this same conversation. She remembered she was on the second step of her grandparents' house, her grandfather lying in the hospital from a massive heart attack, and Logan was there- holding her, reassuring her, making her feel safe and protected and loved. It just had her crying more, although she was trying (and failing) to do so quietly.
He leaned into her, wanting to give her comfort, holding both her hands in his, touching his forehead to her's. "Hey,remember my birthday when you brought me cinnamon rolls in a tube in bed and we talked about how I never had a yellow cake before you?" She was crying, tears just flowing freely down her face as he tried to remind her of all the great times they've had together. "You worked so hard to make that the best birthday I ever had, yellow birthday cake included. I mean, sure, The Evil One and some poor business decisions rained on that parade, but it still wins out. And I was just thinking last night that I can't wait until we have kids and we can do these insane, elaborate birthday weeks like you and Lorelai did- trips to the circus, big blowout parties that get the cops called on us...In fact, if we don't have a mugshot of our children by age 8, I think we're doing something wrong." But now Rory was sobbing so loud Logan wasn't sure what to do or what to say next.
"Stop, Logan just stop!" She practically screeched it at him, he was totally taken aback by the anger and hysteria in her voice. He physically pulled back from her, it had been a long time since he'd heard that kind of… loud, "you stupid fucking idiot" voice, and never with the level of panic before. He wasn't sure what to do next- should he say something? Should he do something? What had he done? He tried to hold her and she just pushed him away, sitting up, very pointedly not looking at him.
"You know I cheated on you once?"
"What?" The look on his face was… not even disbelief, just… an inability to process.
"I did. I'm absolutely the worst person ever."
"Ok… do you want to tell me when?" He was still scrambling to make sense of the words coming out of her mouth, was it possible that the fever had made her hallucinate?
"With Jess… remember Jess? We had that big fight over him and you thought we broke up and you banged all those bridesmaids over Thanksgiving." Ok, that made him wince, and not only because it was so not like her to use the term "banged." He tried to speak then but so she just cut him off. "Yeah, well, then you went to Costa Rica, when I made you go to Costa Rica, when I was being a cold and unfeeling, self-righteous bitch…" Again, he tried to stop her, the fever must be back, she was talking like a crazy person. She just waved him off, she needed to get this all out.
"Well you were gone and I got this invite in the mail for a thing at his work and I went down to Philly to see Jess and I thought...I thought I could do it, I thought I could get back at you by cheating with him. I kissed him… I went there to cheat on you. I kissed him and I planned to... I don't even know what I planned to do, but I never told you about it and I should have… you should have known how terrible I was. You deserve so much better than this, than me. I just… I don't want… Look at me, I've been nothing but selfish and I'm sorry Logan, I'm so sorry. I just don't think… I think that maybe you should leave."
"Ace, what are you talking about? You aren't making any sense, what are you saying? Is your fever back? Do you want me to get a doctor?" She gave out an angry and exasperated sigh.
"No, Logan, you aren't listening to me! I'm trying to tell you something important!"
"What, that a million years ago you kissed an ex-boyfriend?" And that had to be the world's worst timing for Lorelai to come into the room.
"Whoa, you kissed Jess? Or Dean? Or is this more about how Rory did Dallas?" Lorelai walked in on a very strange conversation, and the air was tense- like create a diamond out of coal level tension, so why not go for a joke?
"Logan, I told you, I think you should go."
"Ace, I'm not-" But Rory was giving her mom a look of pleading, it was her 911 Mom look, Lorelai hadn't seen it in a very long time and couldn't imagine why it was being used now, to get rid of Logan. But never let it be said she would side with anyone over Rory.
"Hey, Logan, you know- the doctor was just saying that there was a form, umm, some number and then a dash, there may have been an acronym? It was missing a signature from you, something for a procedure or medication or… I don't know, but you may want to go check on it, I can sit with Rory for a few minutes." She was giving her "let Mama handle it" look, so subtle…
"Oh, sure, I'll… I guess I'll just go check on that form." He leaned down to give her a quick kiss, but she turned her head and he was stuck kissing her cheek. He paused and looked at Lorelai, upset and confused- he had no information to give her, but she gave him a small smile, meant to be reassuring, she'd do what she could. He left the room, pausing to look back at Rory, still crying and he was lost, but hopeful Lorelai could figure out what the hell had just happened.
For her part Lorelai just went to sit in the chair that Logan had just vacated and looked at her daughter. Although would always be her beautiful baby girl, it broke her heart to look at her in this setting. Today she was wearing her head covered in a bright, colorful scarf, no hair piece (sometimes she would wear a bangs frontpiece under her scarf), her cheeks thin and somewhat sallow. But her eyes, her eyes were shut tightly as Rory sobbed. Without needing to see them, Lorelai knew how red and lost they would be, she just didn't know why.
"Rory, are you sure you don't want a doctor? You aren't in pain or anything?" She missed her daughter's hair, normally in this situation she would push her hair off her face as she comforted her, it was surprisingly hard to fight the instinctual movement, instilled over more than 2 decades of comforting her baby. Once Rory had calmed a little, still crying, but breathing somewhat easier Lorelai leaned in. "So, uh, you wanna tell me what that was all about there? I mean, don't get me wrong, I've kinda been hoping you'd start some real drama right about now-I gotta say, life with you, lately? Total snooze fest."
"Mom, this isn't funny- I'm the worst person ever!"
"Oh, now, Rory, that seems a bit harsh- not to mention egotistical...I mean, you're really discounting the contributions made by Nixon, Hitler… surely the guys from Jackass rank a bit higher on the list of terrible people, not to mention the people who actually watch that show."
"Stop, you know what I mean! Come on, let me have it, I kissed Jess!"
"Ok, you kissed Jess when?"
"Remember when Logan was in Costa Rica?"
"Wait, wasn't that like three- no, four years ago?"
"Yes, and I never told Logan! He doesn't deserve that- and he was in here, he was saying the sweetest things! He was sitting here and talking about when we have kids, about the birthday parties we'll throw them, how much fun it's going to be!" And then Rory was crying again, full on sobbing, leaving Lorelai at a complete loss for words.
"So, I have a sneaky feeling that maybe there is something bigger going on here than you kissing Jess in Philadelphia."
"I'm ruining his life."
"What? Who's? Logan's?"
"Mom, come on! He's not even 30 and he's spending all of his time in hospitals, dealing with being my Power of Attorney and living wills and he's dividing his time between coasts, driving me to doctors appointments, holding my hand while I puke my guts out every Tuesday-Thursday- on a good week! I'm always sick and I'm bald and my skin is turning yellow. I basically never want to have sex… like, since treatment? We've had less sex than we used to have in a night! And of course, that isn't even getting into the long-term questions: when can I start to really work again? When can we start planning a wedding for real? What if I can't have children? Sure, we took precautions there, but it's all still hypothetical- it's not even just up to whether the hormone treatments work- it isn't foolproof… I just… I hate that I keep asking him to put his life on hold for something that may or may not ever even pan out."
It had been a long time since Rory had ranted like that, it seemed to have totally exhausted her, she was actually winded. She lay back and Lorelai instantly moved to hand her water and to look around for a cold washcloth- there was sweat on her forehead… and mom needed a second to figure out what the hell to say to her daughter, that was a lot of information to process... and some to, hopefully, forget very quickly and very permanently.
"Ok, so, I still don't think I understand. He made a comment about birthday parties and escalated into you're ruining his life. Is that what happened?" She stood up to wet a cloth in cold water, needing something to do, something to focus on.
"Mom, come on, this is serious."
"I'm sorry, I'm trying to put it all together, do you mind if I do it chronologically?" Rory shrugged as she settled back, her mom adjusting the cool cloth on her sweaty forehead, finding it surprisingly soothing.
"Ok, 4-ish years ago, Logan was off with his idiot Life and Death Brigade, you guys had that huge fight, you were angry, there were the bridesmaids, you went to Philadelphia and you kissed Jess? And that's all, you just kissed him?"
"Well, yes, but you know- that's not why I went there- I was upset and I went there to get my revenge. I was planning to work my wiles on him."
"Yeah, believe me, mommy gets the picture. So, cut to now, you've been through a breakup, starting a business, covering a major political campaign, a very romantic reunion, a cancer diagnosis, an engagement, 2 ½ months of treatment, a hideous car accident, another hospitalization… and now…?"
"I slept with Tucker." That stopped Lorelai in her tracks, trying to figure out what to say to all of this new information.
"Umm… I don't…Recently?"
"No, about a year ago- on the campaign. He was grandpa's TA my senior year and I thought he was cute and I told him he should read Eva Luna; then we met up on the trail because he was working for Obama for a while, doing some policy consulting and he was really smart and we went out a few times and we… stayed in a few times."
"Mommy appreciates the shorthand, Sweets."
"And then he told me he was developing feelings for me and that was when I realized that I still had major feelings, loving feelings for Logan- that I wanted to be with Logan and I broke it off. But then he came back to town, his sister just had a baby, and since he was a TA of Granpa's, he came by to see him and we ran into each other and talked and Logan found out about him- not that there was anything current to fill him on, but he basically filled in the blanks on our history and we fought and it sucked and I had to leave…"
"And that's how Mommy ended up getting another middle of the night phone call to come to the hospital?"
"Wasn't it like 6:30?"
"Hey, I'm pregnant, so if I was asleep, it was the middle of the night. Not to mention, there is NO time of the day that I should get phone calls that my daughter is in the hospital and very sick/injured. We really need to talk about your subject theme track record for sudden phone calls."
"My subject theme of sudden phone calls? Like, I should be scheduling out the subjects of my sudden phone calls?"
"I mean, just once or twice, couldn't you call me in the middle of the night to tell me that your colonoscopy was clean as a whistle, or that you won $50 in the scratchers?"
"You want me to wake you up, pregnant, in the middle of the night, to tell you I won $50?"
"Well, I'm just saying it might make for a fun and festive change."
"Noted."
"Anyways, back to why we're here. So… you and Logan fought, you end up here… and that's the fault of Logan? Or because you kissed Jess? And it's not fair to Logan that one of them, or Tucker, I'm not sure, one of them caused you to be here? Cause seriously, Kid, I'm confused right now."
"Gah! Mom, don't you see?" She threw her head back on the bed, frustrated that she couldn't make her mom figure out what she was saying. "Ok, imagine, for a second, that every time you fought with dad, you might die before you get the chance to make up. Imagine that every every single time you left the room or the house angry, the last thing you said to each other, the "I don't even want to look at your face right now…" or "Wow, you can go to hell for saying that..." Imagine if that was the last thing you were ever going to say to him! The last time you would ever see him!"
"Rory, come on-"
"No, seriously, stop! Think about this for just a damn minute! Everytime I leave the house I could get sick. Everytime I go to treatment, I could get sick… and that's not even taking into account the very real, although yeah, sure, technically, statistically unlikely, possibility that I die from this- or something related to this. And if not from this cancer, do you know the long term problems I'm up against? The other syndromes and cancers, lung disease, heart disease that I'm likely to get later?The chances of us just getting to live out our 60 years of Happily Ever After is basically a bullshit fantasy at this point!"
Lorelai looked at her daughter, her fingers itching to play with her hair or do just about anything else to distract her from this topic. She knew all of this, she'd been reading books, talking on forums, reading journals she barely understood- but she wasn't always so good at accepting bad things could ever happen to her beautiful, brilliant, perfect daughter, despite present circumstances.
"Well, hon, I don't know that I can-"
"Let's be honest- aren't I just letting him waste his life with me?" Rory's tears had no anger in them as they streamed down her cheek and Lorelai had to look away as she tried to process the last five minutes of conversation. She squeezed her daughter's hands as she tried to figure out what to say- one of the few times in life (although they seemed more frequent these days) in which she had no idea what to say. Finally she just went with:
"Oh, honey… wow. This really sucks, doesn't it?" They were both crying because there really wasn't much that either could say in the situation- Lorelai was too mature to try and tell Rory she was nuts and worrying about nothing. The reality was that every fact Rory had just spouted off had been the reason Lorelai had spent so many nights sobbing, Chris holding her all night as they dwelt on the ugly reality of their daughter's diagnosis. It's possible the first time Lorelai saw her bald scalp at treatment that Lorelai had cried more than Rory, who always seemed so brave and so positive.
Lorelai realized that this conversation needed comfort far beyond hand holding. She stood up and motioned for her daughter to scootch over in the bed and make room for her, laying down next to her on the narrow hospital bed, one arm behind Rory's head and heads angled together. Historically this was their thing, so many big conversations in their lives had happened this way, how they hashed things out. This was how Rory had talked to her about boys and whether she was ready to have sex with Jess (no), how Lorelai had talked about Max moving in… And of course, how Lorelai had inappropriately relived Rory's birth every year at 4:03 am… It was as though every big thing in their lives had been handled in this position.
"Ok Sweets, I'm old and I have Pregnancy Brain- which I think is a lot like Chemo Brain, for your reference. I'm going to need you to refresh my memory a bit, here. I need to make sure I have all the facts. So, remind me, Logan went to Yale, right?"
"Umm, yeah…" Was her mother officially insane?
"And he left his father's company and has very successfully built up his own start-up by like, a bajillion percent?"
"Yeah, it's really been taking off, they're the cover story on Wired magazine in two months."
"Wow, he's done very well, hasn't he?"
"Uh, yeah, he's doing well." What the hell?
"And, tell me, when you've gone to all of these appointments and done all of this research on your condition and long-term outlooks, he's been around, right? Like, almost obnoxiously as though he can't be more than 2 feet from you at any time?"
"Yeah…"
"Ok, so he's a pretty smart, Yale-educated, I mean I hear that's a good school. He's very well-informed, he gets the situation that you're in? He's held your hand at every doctor's appointment, asked questions, read the literature... I mean, obviously, aside from the Jess kiss, which- by the way, don't think we won't be revisiting that juicy tidbit… but basically, he knows exactly what has happened and what he's in for going forward?"
"Well, sure, I mean, intellectually he knows, but-"
"And so, with all of his smarts and his well-informed, fairly pretty head, he is choosing to stand by you. Knowing everything he knows."
"Well of course, because he's fucking amazing, he's the greatest guy ever. He made a commitment and he'd never in a million years back out now."
"But you think he wants to? Or that he should want to?"
"I just think that he has his whole life ahead of him." The ensuing silence was the tacit acknowledgement that no matter how slim the chance- she may not be around for quite as long as Logan. After a few minutes of quiet reflection mom pulled her girl to her side, squeezing, trying to staunch her hot tears. Once she felt like she had them in control she plunged in.
"Rory, do you love him? Like, really, really love him?" And Rory couldn't do anything but tear up at that question.
"Oh, mom, I love him so much."
"And you still want to spend the rest of your life with him-no matter how long or difficult that might be?" That was morbid and direct for Lorelai, but for some reason gave Rory a look of relief and satisfaction.
"Of course I do… I just, Mom, it seems so wrong…so selfish."
"Hey, Ror, you're of an age you should understand something- you don't get to make everyone's life choices for them. Logan understands what is happening here and he's sticking around. How would you feel if you were in his shoes and he was trying to push you away? Pretty awful, huh? So you need to talk to him, you need to be honest, tell him your fears, talk it out. You know that I have had nothing but issues with that guy, but I've come to see how different he is from what he was... what I was afraid of. I, for one, believe that the second he gave you that big shiny rock on your finger, he really meant the whole 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health."
"You know, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that 8 months of you and dad being in therapy and all of a sudden you seem so smug and well-adjusted."
"Well, I don't like to brag, but I am currently married to the father of all my children. In fact, two of them came along after getting married, hell after midterms; when we had money and jobs… and no annoying little things like curfew or gym class." Luckily that made Rory smile, causing Lorelai to smile in return, kissing her on top of her head.
"Ok Hon, I'm gonna guess that the boy in question is outside pacing like a… Huh, I don't actually have an example of something that paces a lot, maybe it's the pregnancy brain hitting. So, I'm going to go see if I can find a cup of apple cider or juice- the beans seem excited for some kind of fruit something, it's so weird." She kissed her daughter's forehead and left the room, a nervous Logan trying not to look too closely or ask questions as mom left daughter. But at least this time Lorelai put a hand on his upper arm, an encouraging sign as she quietly said, "Hey, she's... well, she's scared; she's totally freaked out and she's really worried about you, but I think she's ready to talk." He nodded his appreciation as he crossed to her.
"Hey, Ace, I got you more ice, and uh… a smoothie, the nurses thought it would do you some good… It's strawberry-banana. I know you usually only like banana in Runts and that laffy taffy stuff, but the woman behind the counter felt pretty passionately that your smoothie should have plenty of potassium, so…" He came in and handed her the smoothie in a to-go cup, she took a big sip from the wide straw, giving him a small smile-
"It's good, thanks. Nice to eat something other than broth and jello."
Logan wasn't sure what to do next- should he sit down, try to talk? Or should he give her more time, maybe he should go for a walk and give her some personal space?
"Do you… I mean, are you tired? Would you like me to leave you alone?" She sighed- they clearly needed to talk but neither had a clue how to start.
"No, uh, you can stay- I mean…" Oh, for fucks sake Rory, you graduated Yale with honors, you have interviewed Senators, Heads of State… Oprah! You can handle this conversation! And yet, she just lay there and motioned for him to sit with her, and he did, taking up the spot on the bed Lorelai had just vacated, but the silence was palpably awkward. Finally, Logan decided to just dive in.
"So, just for the record, you kissed Jess?" She turned bright red.
"Fuck, Logan, I'm so sorry about that! Please, don't hate me, I love you so much and I swear it meant absolutely nothing, I was just so fucking angry with you!" Tears were fighting to roll down her eyes, wanting to escape, but she was so afraid he would just up and walk away.
"Whoa, whoa, Ace, stop, I'm sorry, I promise, I'm not mad. I mean, that whole situation? So much of that was on me. Are you seriously lying here, crying and freaking out over a guy you kissed-"
"Not just some guy, Logan, it was Jess… remember? You hated Jess, you went and put up with folk night at the pub, got drunk and started a fight that led to a break up over him!"
"Ace, that was years ago- I was a much worse human being and way less secure man than I am now. Do you really want me to be that angry jackass I was before because you tried to exact very deserved revenge on my sorry ass?"
"No. I mean… I'm sorry that I never told you about until now. I mean, I kept it a secret, what kind of terrible person does that? I'm sorry! I swear, it didn't mean anything, I was just trying to … well, I don't know what I was trying to do, I was just upset and I can only imagine that it had something to do with the entire situation!"
"Ace, seriously, how can you possibly think I care about that now? I mean, I was a jackass, I just off and went to Costa Rica to be an idiot, Hell- the bridesmaids… I think you we can make it past this, don't you? And I'm sorry for freaking out about that TA… I mean, it couldn't have possibly helped matters, right?" He said it with such a sincere but still self-deprecating smirk that could be so infuriating, if not so hot.
"Logan, it's not about that… well, at least, it's not just about… it isn't about Jess or about Tucker- it's that… it's that I hate this! I really fucking hate this. I'm so tired of being sick, of chemo, of throwing up all the time and having to check my white blood counts like every other day before I know if I can even leave the goddamn house!
"I'm fucking tired of writing some kind of blog for people who just want to point out my over-entitled, white, Ivy League privilege. I mean, I hate that you and I are finally in a good place- no, fuck that, a fantastic place! We're engaged, I want to marry you more than anything! But right now, all I can do is make lists of the things that I like, circle pictures of wedding gowns that may or may not look ok on me once I've finished losing or gaining weight from this poison in my blood. I'm just making lists of possible places and flowers and themes and cake flavors and should we even have cake? Or by then will we still be in this godforsaken cupcake or, even worse, cake pop phase? Everything I mark is annotated with questions like "will this be available in 1-2 years? What if we start planning and then my cancer comes back, are there insurance options to cancel?"
And by now she was openly sobbing as she held his hands and tried to look him in his eyes. "But mostly, I hate that every single time I leave the house or hang up on the phone with you, I feel like it could be the last time we ever speak. I hate that I may not get that 50-70 years with you, to have kids with you, to see the rest of the world with you! And I really, really despise that you are spending all of your time stuck with me- this angry, irrational, frustrated person who usually feels like a bitter shell of her former self. I'm just not the woman you fell in love with outside of Branford Hall anymore! And I don't want you to be stuck here with this disgusting, sick thing I've become because of any kind of misguided notion of manners or chivalry or your needing to fulfill promise or debt or honor!"
50 years later that would be the moment that Logan always remembered as his "Eureka" moment- he finally understood what was happening; why she was pushing him away, why she was so angry some of the time, why she was bringing up past (in her words at least) "affairs"… the lightbulb had gone off.
Rory wasn't one to bitch and whine and bemoan her lot in life- if she had gotten sick it wasn't some great cosmic plan or a higher power trying to teach her a lesson…it was just how it was. But, she was incapable of hurting someone else, or even just watching them hurt. She was trying to save him from watching her go through this and possibly even die.
"Oh, Ace… wow, I love you so much, but that's basically the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. And I spent a year on a boat with a very drunk and frequently naked Finn." There was something about being called stupid that pulled her out of her sob fest.
"Excuse me?" Anger flashing in her eyes, that was a good sign for Logan. He could deal with an angry Rory, but a depressed one was much harder to handle. He leaned in and took both her hands in his, kissing them and looking up at her, missing the ability to wrap one of her curls around his finger like he used to.
"First of all, for all we know, I could leave this hospital today and get hit by a bus and die- maybe the one thing in the world more impossible to predict than life is death. You are sick, and this really sucks. And you're right, there is a chance this goes badly for us. Maybe you only have another year on this earth, maybe you have 60- we don't know, but I do know that there is nothing you could possibly do that would keep me from spending every possible minute of whatever time we do have left with you- supporting you, loving you, admiring your courage and your strength… and yes, taking care of you when you need it.
"No, we aren't married, we're only engaged. But even though we haven't actually said any vows, it doesn't matter to me, I wouldn't have proposed, twice actually, if I wasn't asking for the whole shebang- the better or worse, sickness and health, 'til death us do part… and I'm hoping, praying really, that it's a very far way off, but I'm not going to miss a single minute of however long it takes, you got that?"
"Logan, I get that you feel that way… but this isn't what I want for you!"
"Hey, do you think this is what I want for you ? It definitely isn't. If I could trade places with you, I would in a second! And you know what? I also know that if this had happened to me, you'd be here, sitting in this chair, loving me, supporting me and helping me through this- and you know it too. Nothing would keep you away from me. Tell me I'm wrong."
"Well obviously I would-"
"Good, we're in agreement then, this is how the whole marriage-partnership thing works, sometimes one of us goes through Hell, but the other helps them through it, right?"
"But Logan-"
"Ace, I'm sorry, but unless the next words out of your mouth are I love you, I'm probably just going to ignore them."
"Logan, I do love you, you know I love you- more than anything… but-"
"See, that's all we need. Look, I'm not going to pretend this is easy for me, and maybe I should be more honest with you in the future, because trust me, this is terrifying and horrible and scary and a million other things. But that won't keep me from being right here, where I'm supposed to be. You're completely stuck with me, and the sooner you get that through your head, the easier this is going to be, ok?" He just held her to him, his eyes dangerously full of tears, but he knew he meant every word he had just said- there was nothing aside from death that would keep him away from her, ever again.