Perm. July 24th, 1918.
Maria.
Commander Pavel was taken this morning, I am alarmed, but Tatiana is even more so. I do not know what to think of it.
Today after we woke up, Denis came to knock the door just like yesterday, he looked nervous and agitated. He roll called as always, but instead of leaving, he asked us to walk down the stairs.
"But why? We haven't even bathed yet!" Nastya protested.
"The new commander wants to see you", Denis responded, lowering his head. Tatiana looked as if she were going to faint.
The new commander presented himself as Ignat Iliaovich. He is slightly younger than Pavel, a cleanshaven brunette. He seems colder and meaner, but he did not do much to support that initial impression. What he has shown me with his behavior, is that he is just as indifferent as Pavel, but Ilianovich does not pretend to have sympathy for us by showering us with kindness like Antonovich or Pankratov did.
When Tatiana asked what had happened to Pavel, Ignat replied that it was not a cause for our concern. After that, he allowed us to go back to our rooms as if nothing happened.
"None of our concern! None of our concern! How could it not be of our concern?!" Tatiana exclaims, referring to what the man said minutes ago, she is in tears. We are sitting on the floor indian style facing one another, Anastasia is taking a bath, me and Tatiana already did. "This is the exact same thing that happened weeks before they killed our parents! They change the guards!" She truly fears the worst. I get closer to Tatiana and hug her.
Denis is on the doorway, and has been talking to us ever since he took us downstairs to meet the new commander. If it were not for Denis we would not have learned Antonovich was actually arrested, although Oleg or one of his friends would have probably told us later.
"Don´t worry, I don't think that is the reason", he says. "They only arrested Pavel". Tatiana told me about offering Denis cake yesterday, that, and the way he joked around with Nastya may be why he seems more polite and considerate now. Tatiana is too upset to appreciate that now, though, which is understandable.
"He is right Tatya", I tell my sister while I stroke her hair, her tears do not stop flowing. "I think you are blowing this out of proportion, just because a change in the guards led to something awful before doesn't mean it will lead to something awful now." She sighs deeply and lays down, resting her head on my lap. The truth is I do not know what will happen.
Anastasia comes out of the bathroom with her hair wet, I worry about the way she limps and flinches a bit when she steps on one leg, maybe she hurt herself yesterday running around.
"What happened to you on that leg Shvibzik?" I ask my sister while pointing at the leg.
"Nothing, nothing", she brushes it off shaking her hand. "I think I fell yesterday".
Anastasia did not take Pavel´s arrest very seriously, she is now joking with Denis about how the poor man looked like Santa.
"It is a shame we won´t have him for Christmas!" Anastasia exclaims. "If he gave us all that wool for no reason at all, imagine on Christmas!" I smile, Tanya also does give her a tearful smile.
"He did keep candy in his office", Denis replies chuckling. Tatiana´s mood lightens up.
"I am not sure you should get any presents this Christmas Nastya", Tatiana teases our sister while wiping her tears.
Oleg is not with us when we have breakfast, but later I find him while walking in the garden with my sisters. Tatiana and Anastasia are walking fast, they are trying to get Ortipo to follow them. I remember sadly how much papa loved to walk, he never got tired, I wish he were here with us.
Oleg is near the fence when I approach him, as always dressed in his long coat and his fur hat, he welcomes me as always by raising his eyebrows and smiling.
"I hope you don't mind", I speak to him, "but I would like to know the reason Antonovich was arrested, Tatiana is really worried". His face immediately changes.
"I have no idea", Oleg says, "they must probably suspect him of doing something". That is slightly reassuring, maybe it has nothing to do with us.
"What do you think it is?" I ask. He looks to one side and then the other to see if there is anyone listening.
"I don't know", he answers, "but yesterday, my grandmother complained about a bunch of men wanting to get her to spy for them, maybe the commander was involved with those men."
"Spy what?"
"What do you think? You, this house." He spreads his arms and moves his head around.
"Really?!" I ask, almost jumping with excitement; I cannot believe this, are there people out there wanting to rescue us? Oh, I dare not hope! Something does not add up, however.
"Why would they need Galina if the commander was in fact one of them?" I ask Oleg, he raises and lowers his shoulders.
"I don't know", he says, "maybe because she leaves and returns to the house more often than the commander, those men approached her in the market, maybe they didn't want Pavel to be suspected, like he probably was." I raise and lower my shoulders like he did a few seconds ago.
"What do you think is going to happen to him?" I ask Oleg. I did not have any good feelings left for Pavel after he oversaw my brother and sister being taken away from us, but I do not want anything bad to happen to him. Oleg makes a weird expression, he raises his eyebrows and his gaze goes somewhere else, as if he does not want to tell me the truth.
"We can only hope they don't have evidence for any wrongdoing, and they let him go", he replies once he looks back at me.
"I guess", I say, and I stay silent a few seconds. "26, huh? Already an old man", I comment. He chuckles and nods.
"And you made me aware of it", he jokes with a smile. "Thank you very much".
"You are welcome", I reply with a courtesy. Then he becomes sad for some reason. I should not have brought up yesterday.
I feel guilty about it, but I am disappointed about how little excitement Oleg showed yesterday on his birthday party, he only danced with me for a few minutes and then sat back down with his friend. He was polite, sure, there is nothing I can reproach, he thanked me and my sisters at the end of the day, but his spirits were low. Nastya had a better time at Oleg´s party than Oleg.
Maybe he is just shy like my mother was, and that is why he does not like parties. Or maybe I have overestimated how close we are, me and my sisters have only small talked a few minutes a day with him, mostly about his time in the army and our time visiting soldiers in the lazaret, or treating them in the case of Tatiana. Maybe despite his friendliness he still sees me only as a prisoner, who he talks to out of kindness.
"Oleg, did the party yesterday make you feel embarrassed?" I ask him, lowering my head.
"What? No! What makes you think that?", he answers in a concerned tone, but I can tell he is only saying it to make me feel better, I can recognize pity by now, most friendly guards have felt it for us one way or another. I keep my head down, I must have sounded so needy, this whole situation is really embarrassing.
"I know maybe it was too much, and if that is the case I apologize, I may have done it for selfish reasons, I am just so miserable all the time and pretending everything is normal gets me through the say". Before Galina even told me about Oleg´s birthday coming up, I had a dream me and my sisters were in the Standart, our Yacht, before the war. I was 15 again, and we were wearing white dresses embroidered with lace and big flower hats, dancing with some of our many officers, I woke up with unbearable feelings of nostalgia.
"Don't feel bad love, I will tell you what happened", he says, and I raise my head to look at him. "It has nothing to do with what you did, you are a very generous and considerate girl, this is just the first birthday I have celebrated without my brother; I was hoping for the day to pass unnoticed to be honest, I didn't want to have anything to do with it, I would actually put most of the blame on my grandmother, she knew and let you be a part of this".
"I am sorry Oleg," I say. "Was he Yuri or…?"
"Anton", he finishes for me as he closes his eyes for a second and nods. "It was Anton, don't worry about it, there was no way you could know".
"I bet he must have spoiled you every year for you to miss him that much", I say.
"Not really", he replies with a smile. "We shared the same birthday".
"You are a twin?" I ask, feeling a bit excited. I used to pretend I was a mother of twins when I played with my sisters as a child, the only thing better than one baby is two babies. It must be dangerous though, Oleg´s mother died giving birth to him or his brother, now I am afraid of it.
"Was a twin", Oleg corrects me with a very melancholic tone.
"Well of course birthdays must be painful!" I exclaim. "I hope you are able to celebrate it again one day though."
"I hope so too" is his answer.
I remember baby´s birthday is less than a month from now, I will miss him so much during that day as well, I hope Olga finds something fun to do with him, but still, the poor thing will also be missing us, I might miss him forever. If I do not see Alexei again the memory of him will haunt me my entire life, I will remember him every time I look at my children. Now I want to cry. I wonder what they are doing right now, I hope there are some friendly guards they can talk to in Moscow, but even if there are, I will never know about it... I am crying now.
"I am so sorry for your brother and sister as well", Oleg says, and he gives me another one of his awkward pats on the shoulder.
After dinner, we sing religious hymns, we used to do that a lot in Ekaterinburg, but things have not been the same ever since, now I think we should have done so while Olga was still with us, she had the best singing voice.
Today is Olga´s nameday, the poor dear must be having such a hard time. It is hard enough for us to spend such a special day without her, so none of my sisters have mentioned it much, but we have prayed for her a lot.
"I forgave him yesterday, you know?" Tatiana tells us when we are in our room playing checkers, because it is a game for two, the winner is going to play with Nastya after we are done. We could be playing something more fun, but Anastasia has this weird obsession with not going back to the room she and baby used to share, most games are there.
"Who?" Anastasia asks.
"Pavel", she replies.
"You are a saint Tanya", Anastasia says, and as she walks through the room I see her flinch again.
"That was very nice of you Tanya, mama would be proud", I add, I don't know if I have forgiven, maybe trying not to think about the way we have been hurt and not being angry at anyone is my way of forgiving. "Nastya, seriously, what is wrong with your leg?" Tatiana looks at our sister as well.
"That leg has been bothering her all day", I tell Tatiana, and she looks at her and then at me shaking her head like mama used to do.
"Come here Shvibzik", Tatiana says as she extends her arm towards Anastasia, Nastya complies and gets closer. "What happened to your leg?"
"Nothing happened to my leg", she answers, then she takes her shoes off and temporarily hides her diamonds in the pockets of her sweater. "More like my feet, but this one is worse". She raises her right leg and shows me the sole of her foot, she has two disgusting and painful looking blisters.
"Ewww, Shvibzik, what happened?"
"It turns out having two diamonds in your shoes can be painful", she answers, and then sits on the bed in front of me and Tatiana. "Especially when you are running or having your feet stepped on."
"Why did you let it get so bad?" Tanya asks with concern as she checks both of Nastya´s feet, no wound scares her. Anastasia raises and lowers her shoulders.
"I don't have anywhere else to put the diamonds", my little sister replies. She is fearless when it comes to pain, when she was a little girl she used to climb up tables and jump from them, our nanny would give her light slaps on the hand to stop her from doing something so dangerous, but she kept doing it, her exact words were: "it is not nice to get a slap, but it is better to climb on the table and get a slap than not to climb on the table" .
"What about your pockets?" I tell her. "You just put them there."
"I don't feel they are safe in my pockets when there are guards around, none our sweaters have buttons in the pockets either", she answers. "What if I jump and they fall?"
"That doesn't matter now darling", Tatiana says. "You shouldn't put them in your shoes anymore".
"All right", Anastasia seems to comply, "I will put them in my undergarments then".
"I am serious Anastasia", Tatiana says.
"And so am I", Anastasia declares. I shake my head and smile.
"They will fall just as easily dear", I say, "what if we keep them here in our room? They haven´t searched it or even entered it much ever since we arrived, they think we brought no belongings other than the clothes we were wearing, which were not even ours, they don't suspect a thing."
"Mmm…" Anastasia seems scared and unconvinced.
"I understand you are scared, it was hard for you to smuggle them", I soothe her.
"What if you put them inside your pillow?" Tatiana suggests as she sits next to her. "Really darling, they have no clue".
"All right", Anastasia agrees. "Inside the pillow."
"I am going to ask Antonovich…" Tatiana realizes her mistake. "I am going to ask the new commander for alcohol and bandages for your feet."
We keep playing checkers after hiding the diamonds and I lose. Anastasia plays two rounds, first with Tatiana and then with me.
We sing hymns again after praying for Olga and Alexei´s safety with the icon we found, just like Olga told us to do, I feel closer to her. Now I understand what my sisters felt when l went to Ekaterinburg alone with my parents, the hymns do not sound as good, we need a fourth voice.