Chapter 17.
As Jules opened the door of the farmhouse, she could smell supper. It had been years since she had known a real home and in a very short time, that was what Sarah's house had become to her. Sarah came out of the kitchen. "Just in time for supper." she said, as if she had not been keeping supper warm for some time. "He's not with you?"
"No." said Jules, trying through habit, rather than need, not to show how much that bothered her. She wasn't used to having someone around who cared. She gave Sarah the bottle Sam had given her. "Holy oil. Sam suggested we Molotov Michael if he shows his face here."
"It's not his face he'll be showing." said Sarah.
"No. I don't like the idea either."
"It won't come to that, I'm sure. They've dealt with Lucifer. I'm sure they can put Michael in his place."
"His place being in the cage in Hell, with the other Michael." said Jules, "Maybe we could fill it with Michaels."
Sarah grinned. "It's no less than they deserve." She became serious as she guided Jules into the kitchen. "How are the boys?"
"Sam's amazing. I don't know how he does it. He's a mess, but he's still leading everyone else. He's promised he'll call you tomorrow. I think he means it.
"I think he means it too, but he'll lie. He'll say whatever it takes to stop me worrying about him."
"Can anything do that?" said Jules. They sat down at the table.
"Of course not." said Sarah, "I know when people are hiding their pain. I know all the tricks. I've used them myself. Which also means I know that there's a lot more to your story than you've told me, but ... "
"But we need to help the boys first." said Jules.
"A Sam move." said Sarah.
"Maybe that's why Sam and I understand each other. Seriously, my dark stuff is in the past. I left it behind in that other world. It has no relevance now."
"As you said, the boys first." said Sarah, "But this is a good place to talk things through."
"I know it is." said Jules. Knowing that she could, if the need arose, tell Sarah anything was very comforting.
Sarah said nothing as she got up to serve the food, a simple but nourishing meatloaf. No grace was said at Sarah's table, but the way in which she laid the food in front of her adopted daughter felt like a benediction. She saw the smile on Sarah's face as she lifted the first forkful to her lips. It tasted of security and love and Jules needed as much of both as she could get,
Sarah took her own plate of food and sat back in her usual place. After a few mouthfuls, she said, "How bad is Castiel?"
"Bad." said Jules, grateful for the honesty of the question, "When I left, he couldn't even look at me. That could be a good sign. Maybe ditching me was harder than he expected. I swear he needs me. He seems so alone."
"Alone as if choosing to isolate himself?" said Sarah.
Jules nodded. "Yes, but I don't think he sees it as a choice. He's in some other place. Sam can't talk to him either. He loves Jack, he still loves me, but I think Dean was the one who gave him hope and anchored him to the world. He doesn't want to be here, not just here at the farm or the bunker, in this universe."
Sarah looked thoughtful. "I was afraid he'd react like that. If we can give him hope of getting Dean back, he will fight to his last breath, but without hope of that, he could so easily give up."
"Which makes me feel like I failed him completely. Our relationship means nothing to him now." said Jules. She instantly stopped herself. "Sorry. That's not helpful, is it?"
"Well, it's good that you're being honest about your own feelings, but it isn't true. He hasn't stopped caring about you. The opposite, really. He's afraid to rely on you, after losing the last person he relied on."
Jules watched Sarah for a while. She was strong for everyone, the perfect confidante for them all. "How are you?" said Jules.
Sarah seemed about to say she was fine, but she always said how important honesty had to be. "It's like losing Carl all over again. Only now, I have three sons and I have lost them all." Tears filled her eyes. "I hope Jack will still talk to me."
"Whatever happens, you have me." said Jules, feeling she was a poor substitute for any of the boys.
Sarah patted her hand. "Thank Heaven I have you, my dear girl. You're the reason I'm not like Castiel, searching for a way not to exist."
"You think he's doing that?"
"Don't you?"
"Yes, but I was hoping I was wrong." said Jules.
A slight smile came to Sarah's lips, a little banner of hope in the wasteland. "For now, he's lost and broken and just wants to stop trying, but it can be turned around. You know how he is over even the smallest things. Remember the toast? He condemns himself so cruelly."
"I wish he could believe I love him and will always love him."
"So do I. Life would be so much simpler for us all. I hate to say it, but sometimes I think Dean is right."
"That I should seduce him?" said Jules, "The thought has crossed my mind. But it wouldn't help."
"No, it would just complicate everything, I know. Even if you could get him that far, which I doubt, taking pleasure in anything while Dean is a prisoner would just add more intolerable guilt. Angels were never designed for guilt. He doesn't have the resources to handle it."
"But I do need to make him feel loved. I offered to stay at the bunker, but he sent me away. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I need him. For the first time since the damn apocalypse started, I was sleeping well. There's nothing like the feeling of being in his arms. All the pain and fear goes away. Well, not all the pain, but I can handle what's left."
"Have you told him that?"
"I can't tell him anything. He's tuned to a different channel. Nothing I do or say exists for him." said Jules.
"Keep saying it anyway. You never know when something may get through. I tried praying to him, but I don't know if he heard. I don't suppose you ... "
"I don't pray." said Jules, "I can't. I spent years learning not to open my mind to angels."
"You never pray to him?"
"I never pray to anyone. I know it seem screwed up, in a relationship, still to think of him as an angel, but I can't make myself pray. It's as ingrained in me as laying salt beyond the sweep of the door. It's been a matter of survival for too long."
"I understand." said Sarah.
"He does too. We talked about it. He said he understands. But he says he understands everything."
"Yes, he does." said Sarah.
"This relationship is pretty hopeless, isn't it?"
"At least he doesn't snore." said Sarah.