Second Person, Twenty-Four

You still enjoy talking to Mark Sloan sometimes. Even more so now that he's gotten used to the idea of you not sleeping with him anymore at all, ever again. He's found some nurses to screw around with instead of you, and I guess that arrangement suits your friendship to a T.

You're talking to Mark now because you've seen him talking to Meredith Grey just then. When you ask them both what they were talking about, Meredith just says "adultery" and then she smirks and starts to walk away sort of slowly from both you and Mark.

You have no idea why Meredith is talking about that with Mark, but then again, they were both the 'dirty mistresses once' behind yours and Derek's backs. If they had a 'secret club' about it, well I guess they would have 'meetings'.

You suddenly freak out thinking that Meredith might be having an affair behind Derek Shepherd's back with Mark. You wouldn't even be able to blame her for it, the hypocrisy would just be you as a pot calling the kettle black and she would know that (so would he, and he, you suppose, also, as well).

And Mark, you guess, catches on to your recent train of thought. Because he says out loud to both you and Meredith, "hey, Addison Montgomery, now don't you be jealous." You want to punch him in the face like Derek did, because you know he's implying that you'd be jealous of him for Meredith and not the other way around.

And Mark still doesn't know that Meredith already knows you're gay. So he probably thinks its a harmless thing but he all but spelled it out for her. And you're angry. You're so angry at him. And you're winding up for a punch.

But then you feel Meredith's hand on your shoulder. And you're shocked out of your violent angry spell. And Mark opens his eyes again and notices you're actually not about to punch him like he thought you were.

And then he smirks at you, seeing Meredith's hand on you and how it seems to make you happy. And you roll your eyes at him and you hope that Meredith can't see you do that.

And then Mark says he's going to walk away before you change your mind and give him a real smack upside the nose. And then he saunters off from you both, jeering at you all the way.

And then Meredith keeps her reassuring hand there and she asks if you want to go for chocolate. And you do, so you say yes, but that you didn't bring your car here.

So she says she'll drive and she leads you out to her car where she turns on the radio. And you don't know the song but Meredith does and she sings along and you really like her high notes.

She drives you to a farmer's market that you didn't know existed. She leads you over to a French pastier who makes you chocolate croissants.

And you eat your pain au chocolate in silence as she tells you she's glad you never punched Mark, even if he did deserve it.

You ask her why she was talking to him about adultery, and she just laughs and says it's one of the few things they have in common.

And you want to ask her if she's having an affair with him, but she says she isn't because she seems to read your mind a bit.

So you sigh audibly out in relief, and you say you're glad she's not making the same mistakes as you did.

And she says "thanks I guess" and then she just keeps eating her chocolate croissant.

Eventually, you finish your pastry and she finishes hers. But you still don't want to talk yet and she doesn't want to talk yet. And you don't want it all to be over.

So you ask her if she likes chocolate milkshakes and she says that she does. And then she notices it's twice as cheap to buy one large one than two small ones but you get the same amount.

So Meredith buys one chocolate milkshake with two straws before you figure it all out. And she pays for it for you, because you bought the chocolate croissants.

And then you sit close together at their little plastic tables as you pass it back and forth until she leans in at the same time and sticks her straw on it and you both slurp the chocolate milkshake together at the same time.

You want to enjoy this, but you can't seem yourself to let yourself. And your mind can't help but go to self-destructive places so you wonder if she does this also with Derek. And it makes you frown and get all jealous even though you know you shouldn't be.

And she sees your fists clenching and she knows that you're mad again and it scares her so she puts her hand on your shoulder again and asks if you are alright.

And you lie to Meredith again and say it was all about Mark you're angry, and she nods and you know Mark will forgive you for using him as a scapegoat if he ever does find out.

So you just keep sipping the milkshake together and you let her have the end of it because you're overwhelmed with her mouth making nice sounds when she is so close to you.

So Meredith sips the end of it contentedly, after asking if you're really sure.

And you go to get you both some water so you can share that, too. And you pass the bottle back and forth like you did that first day in your car.

And you still remember how her lips had chocolate leftover from them on the glass. And now her lips had milkshake leftover from them on the bottle.

And your lips are touching where hers are and it's the closest thing you come to getting to really kiss her.

And you sit there until the milkshake and the water are both gone. And then she says she still has to work later so you walk back to her car with her.

And this time you sit in the passenger seat and Meredith sits in the driver's seat but you still don't put your seatbelts on yet.

Her car is nice. It's a different brand than yours but you like it all the same. She doesn't put the radio on. She doesn't put the keys in the ignition.

She just waits for you to start talking. And when you don't, Meredith starts talking, herself.

"My mommy was a filthy whore, and I think that I am, too," Meredith finally groans out.

"What?" You say, not wanting to reveal that you had known about her mother's affair for a while now.

Richard Webber has been your teacher through your fellowship, and you and Derek have known about his sleeping around before.

"She banged the Chief. Our chief. My mother banged the chief," Meredith finally blurts out.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Meredith," you finally say to her, glad you're not the one breaking that news to her.

"My mother, Ellis Grey is only semi-lucid some of the time. She often talks about Richard Webber," Meredith begins.

You keep nodding, and you're really sad for her, and you don't know that you'll be even sadder for her in a minute.

"And the other day she talked about 'going at it' with him in an on-call room at the hospital. And I think I'm scarred for life," Meredith finally starts to tear up a bit.

"Would it help if I told you my father, 'The Captain' Montgomery banged his secretary while making me wait out in the hall far away from them both instead of spending time with me, and bribing me with ice cream behind my mother, Bizzy Forbes' back?" You offer, even though you realize you probably shouldn't be sharing family secrets left and right.

"Only because you understand me and my issues. I'm sorry too, ya know," Meredith offers you, as she brushes a tear away.

"Do you think I get it from him? The wanting to cheat around?" You ask, and Meredith just corrects you to say "do you think WE get it from them, the wanting to cheat around?"

She includes herself in the sentence now, and this gives you the hint that Meredith wants to talk some more.

"I feel like a slut," she says. "Why?" You ask, and it's a stupid question.

"I'm a home-wrecker," Meredith begins. "I'm YOU'RE home-wrecker," she goes on. "And you are even nice to me. And that makes me feel like a slut for taking all your time," Meredith finally concludes to you. And to herself as well.

"Derek and I broke up because I'm gay, remember, Meredith? I laughed the first time when you asked that. But even though Derek still doesn't know I'm homosexual, it doesn't mean our marriage would have ever worked out." You finally tell her.

"Are you sure?" She asks you.

"I'm sure I'm gay, Meredith," you smirk at her a bit.

"No, I mean are you sure it wasn't all my fault, and I still think I'm a slut for sucking up all your emotional availability" Meredith finally sobers you and answers.

"Yeah I'm sure. It was more Mark's fault than it could ever be yours. We were over when he walked away in New York. But that doesn't mean I blame you or even Mark. There's no-one more to blame than me," you finally say.

You don't know what to say about the emotions part, because you don't want to say that all you want to do is help her work through her challenges, no matter what the cost.

You love it when she shares her deepest fears with you. And you even share with her, yours.

At that moment, in your head... You finally accept the responsibility for your failed marriage, even if you might never say that to Derek because it would make him even more arrogant.

"Do you still feel like an adulterous Satan?" Meredith eventually asks you.

"Well, I prefer 'Ruler-Of-All-That-Is-Evil, but I will answer to Satan," you finally joke back and really smile. Meredith smiles back at you, but her brow furrows again thinking about all of her problems more.

"I still feel like a total whore," Meredith sighs as she leans closer to your shoulder, signaling that she wants you to console her.

So you brush the back of your hand on Meredith's arm and shoulder and rub it up and down a bit, as she keeps on going and breaking your heart a bit for her, as she describes why she thinks she's still a whore.

"I just have so many problems. With my dad and mom and Webber. And in my friend group, we sometimes fight between us. And there's Callie and Mark and sometimes we get along but sometimes we don't. And Bailey is always kicking my ass..." Meredith sighs loudly at all that.

"Well, the Bailey part is just her being your resident," you finally offer to Meredith who nods at least at that.

"And I'm really trying to keep it together for my mom, but it's hard when she still thinks I'm five," Meredith sighs again. "Like, you know when your mom will always think you're just a kid. But Ellis Grey actually believes I'm still in kindergarten, literally," Meredith exclaims.

"I don't know what to say," you say because you really don't.

"Derek wants to try a clinical trial with her or something," she says to you. Usually she never talks about Derek to you. And you don't talk about Derek to her or Mark for that matter.

But this is more about her mom more than about her love life or yours. So you let her keep talking about the medicine. And you hope she has hope, still.

"I don't know if I want it to work or not," Meredith cries over her mom.

It makes you selfishly glad that your mom Bizzy Forbes is not sick, even though you sometimes hate her, too, and so does your brother, Archer Montgomery, for being overbearing.

"Sometimes I just want her suffering to end," Meredith continues as you nod.

"But I don't want her to live in pain. But I also don't want her to die too early if she was supposed to have another good set of moments woken up," Meredith finally clings to you.

She reaches for more of you as she leans her head into yours as Meredith lets her body drift from the driver's seat and into your lap, and she brings your hand to her head to rub her on her forehead.

So you massage her temples, and you try to work out the tender knots there. But they just keep forming and forming all over again.

But she seems to feel a bit better. And for a while you're almost sure she might fall asleep. And then she does, just in your lap, in the parking lot of the farmer's market. As you keep rubbing your hands on her tender head.

You let her fall asleep as long as she needs to because you can tell she hasn't been sleeping well at all. And you just hold her like you want to, you just keep brushing the hair from her gentle face.

And when she washes up you're not sure how much Meredith really remembers. Because she doesn't talk about her mom anymore, or about Derek's clinical trial idea, or about how she still thinks she's a whore.

She just switches the radio on and turns the key in the ignition. And Meredith starts to drive you back to the hospital. And sh doesn't talk. And you don't at all, either.

And she lets you go in first like you always drop her off.

And it feels like a punch in the gut- like she doesn't want to walk with you.

Even as Meredith says to you "you don't have to sit here and watch me struggle to park." Like she's doing you a really big favor because she wants to treat you well and you know this.

Even though, to you, because the gesture makes you spend less time with her, it feels as though it's not.

-Addison Montgomery

In her personal diary. As she pulls out a map of the farmer's market and circles with a red pen all the other things she'd like to try there sometime. Maybe even again with Meredith.

****** END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Author's Note:

To LordOfLezzies who one said "I bet Mer was with women in college" to that, I say, definitely.

And to everyone else, hope you enjoy how this is progressing.

Still wondering where to go from here, thoughts?

bobbiejelly

And of course, onto the dedications:

Ao3:

LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3

AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 127 hits so far. 82 comments.

Fanfiction:

smountain for the lovely review. 516 views.

Wattpad:

Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.

Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.

myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.

danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 306 reads, 18 comments, and 113 stars.

Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.

Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! #44: Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

bobbiejelly