CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:

May 10th

Andy knew this day was coming for 8 long months. At first she was just planning to work through it and put criminals away and just do her job but the weeks leading up to it Andy just wanted to cry. She knew she and Sam could try for another baby and Sam had even expressed his desire to do that if she wanted… once. Andy snapped at him that she knew her body and she wasn't ready. Truthfully her body was ready. She had been cleared to "try again" as they all told her. They hadn't been trying the first time but they had worked it out. Now however she was actively preventing it. She took birth control pills and made Sam use condoms. He didn't seem to mind. He just told her he loved her and they both still had fun together and expressed their love.

It took Andy 12 weeks to even have sex. She was told to wait 2 weeks and they did but she just didn't feel able to do it. She helped Sam out of course and made sure he felt loved, but she couldn't allow herself to partake. Sam tried frequently in those 12 weeks he said he wanted her to relax and feel some pleasure. He even offered to just do oral and not penetration. She just couldn't do it. She felt like she failed something. And then the one time they tried to have sex it actually hurt her because she tensed up too much and was so nervous she ended up crying and they just couldn't make it work. The only reason they even ended up having sex after 12 weeks was because she got drunk at a girls' night and realized she did still love him and did trust him not to hurt her and she really did want him and then they just kept doing it with Andy's extra precautions.

Now though Andy thought she needed things to happen in the right order. She wanted Sam forever and she didn't know his thoughts on marriage. That topic had surprisingly not come up for them. They both expressed their love frequently and she knew he wanted babies with her but she honestly didn't know if he even wanted a Mrs. Swarek… ever. Plus she wasn't even sure she wanted to go through another potential heartbreak. If she could even get pregnant again.

Andy woke up on May 10th already sad. This was supposed to be the potential day she brought her baby into the world. Logically she knew this day was not guaranteed and a baby will come when it wants to but her brain and her heart were in a disagreement and this was a day she was going to feel sad. She thought she might always feel sad on both October 16th, the day she lost her baby, and again on May 10th the day her baby should have been born. They never did find out if it was a boy or a girl. Sometime in November they had decided not to give the baby a name. Sam had suggested it when his sister told him in might help Andy. He also suggested a plaque or some kind of memory box and Andy had jumped on that one. They framed the ultrasound picture and they talked about hanging it up but Andy wanted to just keep it in their closet. She took it out and held it sometimes when Sam was at work or asleep and he took it out twice himself. It gave them some kind of comfort remembering it was real and not just a nightmare.

Andy looked at the clock and noticed it was 6:28 AM.

She sighed. This day was already hard because she couldn't sleep anymore.

She looked at Sam. He was snoring lightly, in a peaceful slumber. She just stared at him for a few minutes.

"God, I love you Sam." She whispered.

She got up and went to their bathroom. She decided a shower would be a good idea.

She turned on the water and got undressed and stepped in. She did her normal routine and after rinsing her conditioner out, she sat down right there in the shower and cried. She just hurt so much. She just wanted to be able to bring her baby into the world and that didn't happen. She had hoped talking to her therapist would help but she was still going to appointments and trying to "move on" as all the doctors and Sam encouraged. Even Jerry had asked her once when she was gonna get out of her funk. Then in the same conversation he whispered to her that she could make a new baby if she wanted one. Sam put him in his place when she burst into tears and ran out of The Penny. But Jerry did make her wonder if she would ever "get out of her funk." She just didn't know how to feel better yet and today, her baby's due date, was probably not going to be the day it happened.

Sam woke up and heard the shower. He didn't know what Andy needed today. He laid in their bed and thought about what this day could have been. He could have been at the hospital with Andy bringing a little Swarek into the world.

He sighed.

He loved Andy more than anyone in the world and she was constantly in emotional pain. Some days she wouldn't think about it and she would relax but then she felt guilty about being happy. Recently she was actually seeming to do better but now it was the due date and Mother's Day. He actually didn't even know if she knew it was Mother's Day or not.

He knew today he was going to break her heart a little more when he told her about Jerry and Traci.

He heard the water stop and he sat up.

She came out quietly.

"Good Morning beautiful." He said, just like most mornings.

She smiled a small sad smile. He could tell she had already cried this morning.

"Morning Sam." She said walking over to the bed.

She sat down and rubbed the towel through her hair.

"I have some news to share with you but I don't honestly want to and I don't know if you have plans for today…" He said.

She scrunched her eyebrows. "No plans. What news?"

"Well I'm thinking it's going to hurt you."

That made her nervous.

"Sam, what's wrong?" She said turning fully to face him.

"Is someone hurt? Is it my dad?"

"No. No one is hurt… except maybe me and you… well our feelings may be hurt."

She is not understanding.

"Sam? What do you mean?"

He swallows.

"Come here?"

She does. She cuddles in to his side.

He kisses her head.

"Andy. Yesterday Jerry found me and had some news to share with me. He wanted to tell me…. And you… so that he wasn't being insensitive."

She sucked in a breath.

"Tell me."

"Traci is pregnant."

Her eyes filled with tears before he even finished the word.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart."

Andy's lip trembles. "I'm happy for her…" She sobs.

Sam hugs her tighter.

"I know Andy… me too. It just hurts too."

"It does." She lets out a big breath. "Why are you telling me today Sam?"

"Well… apparently Traci has been dying to tell you for days and Jerry convinced her to wait but they told her mother last night and they are announcing to everyone today."

Andy wipes her tears and looks at Sam.

"Why do they have to tell today?"

"Well sweetheart… no one knows why today would be a problem. And… uh… it's Mother's Day. Traci thought it would be perfect."

"Ohhh." Andy didn't even know it was Mother's Day. She hadn't celebrated one of those in a whole lot of years.

"Are you alright Andy?" He was nervous because she had stopped crying and seemed… well… calm.

She lets out another breath. "Yeah… I am… I'm… Okay this is gonna sound weird but I'm happy that something happy is happening especially today."

"I get that." He stated.

"Maybe I am a bit jealous but Jerry and Traci are great together and they deserve some happiness."

"I'm feeling jealous too but yeah, I agree."

"Sam, I'm not saying now or anything but do you ever think about you and me… um…getting married?"

"WHAT?" He says shifting his eyes to his nightstand. She could not have found the ring could she? Oh man.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out…"

"No. Not freaked out… just what brought this on?"

She takes a big breath. "I want to make a baby with you or 5 or 6, but I would kind of like to be married first." She let out hesitantly.

He swallows. "5 or 6? Married? Andy… I … "

"I'm sorry! I'm ruining everything aren't I?" She asks putting her head in her hands.

"ANDY! I will give you as many babies as you want. I will marry you tomorrow if you want. You haven't ruined anything… I just thought I would have to give you the ring before you thought of all this."

"Give me the… Sam? What?"

He licks his lips. "Nope. I am not doing this today. I love you and I said what I said. You will have to wait and see what comes next."

She smirks. "You bought me a ring?"

"Maybe…" He says.

"Is it pretty?"

"Maybe…"

"Is it here in this house?" she asks a little giddy.

He frowns. He doesn't want her to search for it.

"Maybe… but if it was… you would still have to wait for it. No snooping."

"I love you Sam Swarek." She says kissing him.

"I love you too Future Mrs. Swarek."

She loved the way that sounded.

The rest of the day they spent doing normal activities. When Traci called to beg Andy to come to The Penny she decided it would be good for her to celebrate her best friend.

That night everyone was at The Penny and Traci and Jerry shared their news. Everyone hooted and hollered and hugged them and clapped Jerry on the back. It was a great celebration.

Sam constantly watched Andy for any signs of distress and he only saw one once. When someone shouted that they knew either Traci or Andy would be pregnant before summer. During that moment Andy flinched like someone had burned her. To anyone else it just looked like the idea of being pregnant spooked her.

The rest of the night Andy and Sam were genuinely happy for their friends.

Maybe things were looking up.

Not many chapters left in this one now. Reviews?