Episode 15 - HunterxHunted, Part 3
After waiting for what seemed like a week for the writer to get back to the story, Freakazoid slowly came to, and opened his eyes to find himself strapped down to an operating table.
"Whoa...where am I?" the wacky wonder asked as he regained some of his bearings.
Some unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of the city, Kensuke replied. That Boa lady and her snake brought you here. And whatever they've got planned probably involves that tray of surgical instruments over on the table opposite us.
Freakazoid looked to where Kensuke hinted at, and noticed said implements. He then noticed that he wasn't alone, since standing a few feet away from the table were Captain Chiron, Sato, and surprisingly, Gendo Ikari himself, with a reluctant-looking Ritsuko Akagi at his side.
"What's going on here? What're you planning to do with me?" Freakazoid asked as he strained against the straps.
"Sorry/not sorry, but WEE'LL be askin' the questions around here," Chiron replied. "Sato?"
"You're in OUR house now," Sato chimed in, trying to act tough, "and here, we have two basic rules. One, OBEY ALL RULES. TWO, do NOT write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase the writing off of the walls..."
*SIGH* Ikari sure did pick the best and brightest for Section-2, didn't he? Ritsuko thought to herself bemusedly while Sato continued to ramble on.
"*AHEM* If you could get to the point?" Gendo implored with no small hint of seriousness.
"Oh, uh, sure Commander, sure," Sato replied nervously, "*AHEM* Point being, if you're wise, you'll begin cooperating with us. If ya don't, we'll take the problem that is you and nip it, and I mean nip it in the bud!"
Gendo rolled his eyes. "That will be all, Sato," he said as he started walking towards Freakazoid. "I have worked too hard and too long to let an x-factor like yourself throw a wrench into my plans. Whether you like it or not, this. Ends. NOW."
"Kinda laying it on thick with the ominous cliche there, aren't you?" Freakazoid asked.
Gendo held back his fuming with his patented combination veneer of cold, calm and collected before he responded. "Since you see yourself as a superhero," he said as he slightly adjusted his glasses, "and as we don't know your secret identity yet, we'll have to resort to another tired trope as a means of making you compliant. That being, your weakness."
"And you think you know my weakness?" Freakazoid asked incredulously.
Gendo merely smirked, before bringing out an object from behind his back. It was a glowing green crystal held by a steel chain.
"The purest Kryptonite," Gendo said, identifying the object as he held it close to Freakazoid. "Tell me, are you growing weaker? Perhaps feeling your strength ebb away?"
Freakazoid was unfazed, as he looked our way and rolled his eyes, while mouthing the words "Really? This again? Didn't he get the memo?". Before Freakazoid could respond, Ritsuko cleared her throat.
"Sir, that's Superman's weakness, not Freakazoid's," the scientist clarified.
-X-
At that same moment, in Misato's apartment, where its occupants were sitting on the couch together watching some TV, Asuka sneezed.
"Gesundheit," Misato said.
"You okay, Asuka?" Shinji asked with a hint of concern. "You're not catching a cold, are you?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine, really," Asuka said as she rubbed her nose a bit. Internally though, she was confused over where the heck that had come from.
-X-
Gendo looked back at Ritsuko, a hint of surprise on his face. "Really?" he asked.
"Yaaaah, DUH!" Freakazoid responded with no small amount of snark. Gendo merely glared at the wacky wonder before then glaring at the Kryptonite in his hand.
"*HHHH* Lousy waste of money..." Gendo quietly grumbled as he tossed the crystal aside. "Very well, perhaps...THIS!" He then took a glowing yellow cube out from behind his back. "Do you feel your will being sapped? Do you feel yourself being overcome by fear...?"
Once again, Ritsuko cleared her throat. Gendo slightly grimaced at the sound before he turned with a small grunt. "What is it this time, doctor?" he demanded.
"That's Green Lantern's weakness, sir," Ritsuko pointed out.
-X-
Back at Misato's apartment, this time Misato herself sneezed.
"Oh come on, not you too!" Asuka said.
"It's all right, probably just a little dust in the air," Misato said reassuringly with a dismissive wave of her hand. THAT was too much of a weird coincidence, the NERV ops director thought to herself, remembering Maya's little sneeze from the fight with the 12th Angel.
-X-
Gendo did a triple-take from Ritsuko to the cube to Freakazoid and then back to the cube, before letting out an exasperated sigh.
"Nutbunnies," he said as he then tossed the cube aside. He then reached down behind a crate, strapped on a fuel tank backpack and held up a flamethrower. "Then perhaps your weakness is something as simple as...fire."
Gendo then turned the flamethrower's wrath on Freakazoid, as Ritsuko, Chiron and Sato shielded themselves from the heat radiating from the stream of fire. "Are you melting?" Gendo asked in a sinister fashion. "Is it getting too...hot to handle?" Note to self, the Commander thought, try and use more one-liners. Gendo then turned the flamethrower off, allowing Ritsuko and the others to bring their arms down. All four were shocked by the sight of an unharmed Freakazoid, who somehow despite being strapped down had managed to get into a fireproof suit.
Freakazoid lifted off the head covering before he spoke. "Man, you really don't get out much, do you?" Freakazoid said. "That's Martian Manhunter's weakness, not mine!"
-X-
At the Horaki household that very minute, all of a sudden Hikari sneezed to the side while she prepared dinner for herself and her sisters.
"Bless you!" Nozomi, the youngest Horaki, said.
"You feeling all right, sis?" Kodama, the oldest Horaki asked as she put down her book.
"I'm fine, guys, thank you," Hikari said, though mentally she wondered just what caused her to do that in the first place.
-X-
Gendo gave himself a slight face-palm before taking the backpack off and tossing the equipment off to the side. "Forget it, we're wasting time," he said as he turned back to Freakazoid. "Just what is your weakness?"
"Yeah, not gonna tell you," Freakazoid said as he shook his head. He then looked our direction. "Believe it or not, folks, I did learn my lesson from last time," he said, finishing with a wink.
Gendo scowled for a moment, before returning to his usual stony expression. "Very well," he said. "It appears we'll need to do this the hard way." He then turned to Ritsuko. "Dr. Akagi, put him under."
Ritsuko still felt reluctant as she nodded towards Gendo. Freakazoid had done a lot for them, and the people of Tokyo-3, in the short time he'd been in the city so far. Yet another part of her, the more pragmatic part, reminded her of the leverage that Gendo held over her. Thus, Ritsuko, with some hesitation, walked over to the side of Freakazoid's table and reached down for the mask connected to the nearby tank of anesthetic. She then held up the mask towards Freakazoid's face.
"I'm really sorry," she said as she moved the mask closer.
Freakazoid, on the other hand, had other ideas, as he proceeded to grab a mallet from out of nowhere as he sat upright.
"No, no, it's okay, I brought my own," he said before proceeding to whack himself on the head with it. Soon he was seeing stars spin around him. "Ooh, lookit the things, I've seen this in cartoons, around go, whoa, whoa, whoa..." Freakazoid then collapsed, seemingly unconscious.
Ritsuko, speechless, then looked our way. "Seriously? I finally get to do something in this chapter, and I get upstaged by an over-sized mallet? Unbelievable..." she complained while shaking her head, before muttering something about giving the writer a piece of her mind. [*Gulp*] Ritsuko proceeded to pick up a scalpel and then, with her back to us conveniently blocking the view of the top of Freakazoid's head, carefully cut along the scalp until it was open. Gendo then walked over to examine it for himself.
"Now then, let us see just what it is that makes you tick," he said as he reached with a gloved hand into Freakazoid's head (his back also conveniently blocking our view). Feeling like he hit paydirt, Gendo smirked as he proceeded to pull something out. When he and the others got a look at just what it was, all their faces immediately turned fearful. In Gendo's hand was a small ticking time bomb. Freakazoid then chose that moment to sit upright, undo the straps, hop off the table, and then unzip what appeared to be a suit over himself shaped just like...well, himself. [Look, it's a bit hard to describe exactly just what kind of costume it is without resorting to calling it a literal second skin, okay?]
"Get it? 'Cause it's ticking!" Freakazoid said in a smarmy manner. "You said 'let's see what makes him tick', and it's a ticking time bomb, get it? Bye!" With that Freakazoid dashed out of the warehouse, only to return momentarily and grab Ritsuko by the shoulders. "WHOOP-!" she managed to get out before Freakazoid zipped her out of the warehouse, leaving only Gendo, Chiron and Sato with the bomb.
Gendo, at that point, scowled in our direction. "I REALLY hate that guy," he growled, just before the timer reached zero.
*KA-BLAAAAM!*
When the smoke cleared, Gendo, Chiron and Sato, still standing in the same exact spots, were now covered in soot and ashes, their clothes ruined. On Gendo's face, an outline around his eyes and the bridge of his nose was left thanks to his glasses, which now dangled from one ear. Boa-Magnon chose that moment to leap down from the ceiling, and turned to address Gendo.
"I take it this means that my contract is being...extended?" the mercenary implied, her left eyebrow arched inquisitively and one hand on her hip.
"Uh-huh," Gendo slurred out as he slowly nodded his head, before collapsing onto his back.
Far outside the warehouse, Freakazoid dropped Ritsuko off on a small hill, where they both briefly looked back at the badly-shaken building.
"...Thank you," Ritsuko said as she eyed the building. "Are they-?"
"Ah, they're fine," Freakazoid replied reassuringly with a small wave of his hand. "It's cartoon physics, they'll be cleaned up by the time the next chapter comes around."
Ritsuko, blinking with surprise, briefly did a double-take from Freakazoid to our direction and back. "I...probably shouldn't overthink that one, should I?" she said. Freakazoid nodded affirmatively. "Thought so. Listen, I'm really sorr-"
"It's all right, the guy's probably got something on you, that's why you do what he says, right?" Freakazoid replied. "Don't worry, we'll figure a way to get you out of this."
"Somehow, I doubt it'll be that easy, even for you," Ritsuko said with a sigh. "You probably should get out of here."
"Thanks," Freakazoid said. "Before I go, mind answering a quick question?"
"Um, sure, what is it?" Ritsuko asked with one arched eyebrow.
"Where does Commander Ikari live?"
Gendo's estate, moments later...
Freakazoid appeared on the front lawn of Gendo's estate in a flash, and looked the place over briefly.
"Huh, for a guy tasked with safeguarding mankind from the Angels, he sure likes to live large," Freakazoid noted.
Uh, I was gonna ask, Kensuke started to say, what are we doing here in the first place?
"Remember those statues I picked up on our way back from the States?" Freakazoid asked as he got out those same statues from somewhere on his person. He then laid all four of them in a row on the grass.
Yeah, why do you ask? Kensuke asked in turn.
"Wait for it..." Freakazoid replied, as he looked towards the moon coming out of the clouds. The minute it did, the statues were covered in moonlight and soon began to move, to Kensuke's astonishment. After about a minute, the four former statues stretched their limbs and yawned, and looked up to find themselves facing Freakazoid.
"Hi, guys! Long time, no see!" he greeted. "Kensuke, meet Baffeardin, Honna, Huska, and Young Quist, the Lawn Gnomes! Jovial little buggers, ain't they?"
Kensuke, from within the Freakazone, stared at the quartet, speechless. This just keeps getting weirder, he thought to himself.
"Ah, Freakazoid, you old nutcase," Baffeardin said, "haven't seen ye in years. What's goin' on this time that you had to bring us all the way to Japan?"
Freakazoid grinned. "Baffeardin, old buddy old pal, I've got a proposition for you all..."
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
I know, I know, pretty short period of time for Freakazoid in captivity, right? With him, being in any form of captivity doesn't tend to last that long. But you all already knew that. ;)
Like I mentioned before, my take on Mike and Orion's Captain Chiron lampoons Jackie Gleason in Smokey and the Bandit, while Sato is meant to parody Don Knotts on The Andy Griffith Show.
Gendo trying to determine Freakazoid's weakness has him unintentionally make the same mistakes as Gutierrez in the season two episode "Hero Boy", with fire replacing water (the weakness of the Wicked Witch). This in turn leads to some nods to two of Mike's and one of Orion's Superwomen of Eva 2 stories: "Lone Heir of Krypton" (Asuka as Power Girl and later Supergirl), "Emerald Courage" (Misato as Green Lantern), and "Hunter's Legacy" (Hikari as Ms. Martian). Ritsuko clearing her throat before correcting Gendo riffs on Robert Wagner's No. 2 doing that to Dr. Evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
The opening of Freakazoid's head, and the explosive results, are lifted from the season one episode that debuts the Lobe, who in his segment attempted to lobotomize Freakazoid.
What the Lawn Gnomes will be doing at Gendo's estate will be elaborated on in due time...