A/N: So this is it! *big sigh* The last chapter! (and it's a long one!) Endings are tough for me. So I worked and reworked this chapter A LOT. I hope it hits somewhere near the mark I'm shooting for… But alas, whether I it does or doesn't – here's what I've got. I hope you enjoy it!
Own Worst Enemy
Chapter 16
….
The day Aang and Katara had gotten married a terrible blizzard had blown into the South Pole. When the two were excused from the festivities to "Go enter their dwelling" it had been a near miracle that they could even find their way to their newly erected igloo on the outskirts of the growing town.
They had held hands to stay together in the white invisibility of the snowstorm, each bending with one hand to open a path towards their new home. Despite their bending, by the time the two had crawled into the igloo, they were both soaking wet. They lay on the floor in the dark for a moment, laughing and resting before Aang removed his glove and opened a palm-full of fire.
It was the first time Aang had set foot in their new home, as tradition did not allow the groom access to the home until he had 'full access to his wife'. Aang blushed at the thought, and added a little more chi to his fire so he could look around the dwelling.
Katara and Gran Gran had spent a good part of the last two weeks "nesting", making the place a home for the newly established family. And Aang was impressed with what they had done. Despite being just one room, the home felt plenty large enough for the two of them (especially given that they were eager to be close). The walls, despite being made of ice, were covered with tapestries and blankets, some of which they had made themselves, others that had been made as gifts for the new couple. Along one side was a large wooden crate full of dry firewood and a collection of baskets that held all of what they should need for the next three days: utensils for eating and cooking, food stuffs, a cruse of oil for the lamps, personal belongings, even spare bedding. Hanging from the ceiling in different "corners" were three beaded lamps that Aang recognized as those Gran Gran had helped him learn to bead himself.
Aang knelt up on his knees to lite those lamps now, the flicker they created on the walls making the room appear warm and intimate.
Everywhere Aang looked he could see the thumbprint of people who loved them: the wall and floor coverings made by members of the Tribe; the double-sized sleeping bag a gift from Katara's dad; the pillows gifts from Sokka and Suki; an elaborate bronze brazier and stand for the fire (the fine craftsmanship admittedly a bit out of place for this cozy little ice home) a gift from Zuko; and placed on a shelf sticking out of the wall was a gift Iroh and Toph had worked together to give them: a delicate painted porcelain teapot from Iroh with a metal-bent stand for the pot and its two teacups made by Toph.
Aang had never had a home like this. He had had plenty of places he'd stayed, lots of places he'd lived, and a few places he had considered home in some capacity or another. But not like this one - one that had been built specifically for him and for his wife (the thought that he now had a wife still sending flutters through his stomach!). This was a place to build his family, as though the world had carved out a new space, elbowing way for them because they were important enough to make place for. As a Nomad, Aang had never placed much importance on a physical home, but seeing this place, with evidence in every corner of the love of his friends, his village, his tribe, a solid feeling of belonging brought a lump to this throat.
Family. This was the start of his family. He had never felt that he grew up lacking anything. But now he knew better. Enlightenment surely could not be better than family.
Iroh had once advised Aang to choose love over power. And he knew himself well enough to know that he would make that choice again and again.
Southern Water Tribe tradition left the newly married couple alone for three days.
Usually Aang would have gone a little stir crazy indoors for that long, but he found himself more than happy to stay in with his wife (inactivity having not proven to be a problem - he was certainly getting plenty of exercise). The solitude together was the best gift anyone could have given to the new husband and wife.
"Aang, you and I, we're One now you know." Katara said at one point, the two of them lying spooned together in the warmth of their new bed, the light from a single lamp flickering intimately.
"Um-huh," Aang hummed contentedly in her ear as he nuzzled into the nape of her bare back, pulling her flush towards him. "And its awe-some!" he added with a drowsy smile.
Katara reached around to pinch him in the side, making him squirm. "No really, Aang! Not just that." She blushed despite the agreeing smirk she couldn't hold back. "But now that we are married. In the Water Tribe that means we are One, two parts of one whole. Our energies, our souls, are now connected. We'll never be completely whole again unless we are together."
Aang sighed in full agreement as he listened to her voice.
Katara pulled away from him momentarily so she could turn over to face him, framing his face with her hand. Aang opened his drowsy eyes to see that Katara's eyes were wide and bright with significance.
"As we were decorating this place, Gran Gran told me that a lasting marriage is built on three things: Forgiveness, Loyalty and Hope. Forgiveness for mistakes we must then leave in the past, fierce loyalty in the present, and always a hope for a bright future together."
Aang pulled Katara closer to him, so that her head lay warmly on his chest. "Yeah. I like that. Forgiveness, Loyalty, Hope. Yeah. That's how we'll do it," he mumbled as he closed his eyes to enter the best sleep of his life.
…
Aang could still hear the clicking of Koh's many feet when he awoke. Opening his eyes the first thing he saw was her face, her beautiful face close to his, her shining blue eyes looking intently at him.
But he didn't like the panic he saw in those eyes.
"Katara?"
She let out an audible gasp. Katara was kneeling on the ground in front of him, her face pale and her eyes full of worry. "Aang! You're back?! Oh spirits, what happened to you!?" Katara sat back on her heels. "When I woke up you were here on the floor, glowing! When I talked to you, you wouldn't respond. I was so worried!" Her hand covered her mouth as if to hold back a sob.
Aang reminded himself that despite Katara having seen him meditate into the Spirit World many times in the past, she wouldn't remember any of that. She wouldn't have known what was going on. "I'm sorry I scared you, Katara." He said gently.
Aang reached out a hand to comfort her but he stopped himself, knowing he didn't deserve to touch her. He had failed her.
Katara's hand still covered her mouth. Finally she brought her hand down and reproached him sharply, "You were like that for a whole day!" Katara's eyes darted anxiously around the room before returning to his. "I didn't know if you would… I was worried I'd lost…"
He noticed that she was breathing hard, her skin clammy. "Katara? Are you okay?" With a sinking feeling in his gut Aang's eyes glanced at the window where she had stood when her emotions were so frighteningly unhinged. "When I left you, you had passed out. You were sick…"
Aang could see that she was still paler than she ought to be. But her eyes were lucid and she was upright. And as far as he could see she was no longer delirious.
"I spent the night battling intense dreams," Katara said closing her eyes and giving her head a shake as if to ward off the images anew. She paused before starting again, waving her hand absently toward the bed. "Then I woke up yesterday afternoon, my clothes soaking. I must have had a fever… and finally sweat it out." Katara ran the back of her hand tiredly over her forehead. "My headache was gone. But I remembered… what had happened. All those things you told me…" Katara's brows crinkled in sorrow and worry. "And what I had asked you to do. To get my memories back. Then I saw you there, glowing."
Katara looked at him warily, as though he was still glowing, her voice trembling with apprehension. "I was so worried… so afraid that you had gone to the Spirits…" her hand covered her mouth again, "that you had sold your soul to that Face Stealer…"
Aang looked at her sadly. "I would have," he admitted. "To get your memories back. But my soul has never been mine to give." His heart sank as he continued. "But if it was... I would have given it freely for you, Katara."
Katara placed both her hands on the floor in front of her and leaned on them heavily as if to steady herself. She dropped her head forward, a great sigh of relief sounding from her. "Well thank Tui and La that you didn't!"
Aang couldn't help himself, he reached out his hand and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry, Katara. I failed you. Again. I couldn't get your memories back for you." His voice was soft, nearly a whisper, every word dripping with regret and sadness.
Katara lifted her head and looked at him then, her eyes intense as she processed this information.
Then she got to her feet, and stood looking at nothing. "That's it then… my memories, they're… gone forever…" Her voice sounded stunned more than anything.
Aang got to his feet as well, noticing as he did so that his leg didn't hurt anymore. Looking down he could see that the burn on his calf was gone. Katara must have healed him while he was in the Spirit World.
Aang took a cautious step toward Katara, noticing with worry the way she stared into nothing. "Katara? Are you okay?" he asked, taking her hand.
Her eyes focused on his then, her chin trembling a little. "I had just been hoping…" a tear trailed lonesomely down her cheek, "that you would get my memories back for me. So that I could… be me again."
Aang reached out and wiped her tear away with his thumb, his heart aching painfully. "I wanted that too."
Katara then walked forward into Aang, wrapping her arms around him tightly as she cried into his chest.
Confusion swirled in Aang's head as he held her tightly. He was the one that had done this to her. And yet here she was, in his arms. He couldn't quite understand.
He didn't understand, but he held her anyway. Giving and taking whatever shards of comfort there were to be found.
"Aang?"
"Yeah?"
"You say that we were married, right?"
Aang swallowed hard. "Yes."
"Were we… happy?"
Aang's vision blurred, his throat tight as he answered. "Yeah. Yeah, we were."
Katara pulled back from his chest far enough to look up at him, her blue eyes roaming over his face like she could read something there if only she looked hard enough. "Then maybe we could try… being together… again?"
Aang wondered how torture could feel so much like heaven.
Aang stepped away from her, pulling her arms off of him, all the while feeling like it might kill him to do so. He wanted to stay in her arms forever.
But he wasn't safe. He couldn't let himself pretend. "But I'm broken, Katara."
Katara looked to the side, her eyebrows scrunched forlornly. "Looks like that makes two of us…"
"No." His voice was sharper than he wanted it to be. "You don't understand. I'm dangerous! I hurt you." Aang's eyes filled with tears again. "And I killed our baby girl..." Aang saw his pain at these words reflected in Katara's face, he saw how her hands jumped to her abdomen again, the flatness under her fingers testament to the truth of his words. Aang covered his eyes with his hand as his shoulders began to shake, his words flowing out along with his tears. "It was all my fault. I killed her. It was me… it was all my fault. And now she's…"
As the words poured out Aang could feel a dam inside himself break, releasing all the grief, all the pain and anguish he had felt for what he'd done, for what was lost. He couldn't breath as the sorrow overwhelmed him. He was sure he would drown in it.
Aang felt the monster inside himself wake in terrifying response.
Fear spiked within him and Aang grabbed frantically at his head in alarm. Oh please! Not here, not now! Not with HER here!
Despite his panic to stop it, the air in the room began to whirl, the temperature dropping dramatically, causing ice to spider up the walls like veins, their breaths coming out in icy puffs. Fear strangled Aang's heart as the monster surged. Oh please, not now!
Aang fell to his knees, eyes pressed shut tightly and his body shaking. "I can't! Katara please! Get away from me!" His pain had wakened the monster and now all he could feel was fear. Fear that he would hurt her again! He could only hope that she would run, that she would get away before he lost control. The ground cracked beneath him.
As he struggled, Aang was completely unprepared for the warm body that wrapped itself around him fiercely then, holding onto him like she was strong enough to hold the whole universe together.
Maybe she was.
Katara had dropped to the ground in front of him and wrapped her arms around him as he shook, her hand holding tightly to the back of his head, the other clutching the fabric around his back as he battled to regain control. The air swirled, but Katara didn't let go. The floor lurched. Her arms tightened. Aang cried out in his struggle. But her warmth stayed, and he latched onto it like a last breath before an endless plunge.
She is here. She is alive. He hadn't killed her.
Aang's mind grasped desperately onto the thoughts. They were true. She is here. He hadn't killed her. No matter what else had been lost, Katara was alive and she was here with him now!
With a final cry the elements calmed and Aang's body crumpled onto Katara. Her strength the only thing that held him up as the two of them knelt on the floor.
"Aang? Aang!" Katara's voice rang in his ear, her breathing hard. "Sweetie, are you okay?"
Aang tried to lift his head off her shoulder, but it fell back onto her as exhaustion and relief hit him like a wave. "Katara…" Aang felt her hand return to the back of his neck, holding him to her protectively.
"Katara, don't you see?" Aang said, sad resignation settling in his gut like a cold weight of defeat, pulling him down. "I'm not safe. That's why I can't be with you…"
With her cheek pressed against his head, Aang could feel Katara's jaw set furiously. Then she lifted Aang's body off of her, pushing him backward onto his own knees with an angry shove.
"How dare you?" she spat through grit teeth. "How dare you think that that is a good enough reason for me to leave you?!" Katara's eyes were flames.
Aang's grey eyes opened wide in surprise.
Her gaze still ablaze, Katara's voice caught in hurt when she said, "And how dare you think it was a good enough reason to leave me?"
She then rose from her knees and turned her back on him. Aang sat back stunned as he watched her walk tersely to the western window, her arms crossed protectively in front of her as she looked out the newly barred window.
Aang's eyebrows rose in apology as he spoke to her back. "Katara! How can you mean that? You saw… you saw me just now – I was about to lose control completely. I could have hurt you!"
Katara turned her body partially toward him so she could glare at him out of the corner of her eye. "You did hurt me, Aang. When you decided that I was expendable in your life."
Aang scrambled to his feet. "I never thought that!"
"No?" Katara turned back toward the window. "Then how could you leave me?"
"I didn't. Not really. Not in my heart." Aang's voice caught as he tried to continue, trying so hard to explain! "I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's true! My heart was with you every single day, aching for you. Everyday only wishing for you to be happy, to be safe."
Katara's weight shifted as she continued to stare out the window. Without realizing it Aang began to walk towards her.
"When we were younger, Appa was stolen… and it was agony. I thought I would never be able to move on. But I did, sort of; I learned to cope, even if not gracefully. But losing you, Katara? I never learned to move forward. I couldn't. I was still alive, but I wasn't living. Not without you."
Katara slowly turned her ear towards him, the stiff set of her shoulders softening a little. Aang could see her watching him cautiously from the side.
"Fear of losing you has always been my biggest obstacle, Katara. Always. Even back when I was here as a child, learning with a Guru how to gain control of my Avatar powers. I feared more than anything loosing you. So then when it happened, when I hurt you, when I had to leave you. I lost myself too."
By now Aang had reached the window and stood facing her. Katara still eyed him cautiously, her arms still crossed, her brow calculating as she listened.
"Somehow I thought that my misery would all be worth it if only you were safe, if only you were happy!"
Aang reached out his hand, touching her elbow, turning her to face him.
"Because I love you, Katara."
Katara looked at him for a long, suspended moment. Before she sighed, and turned her hurt eyes back to the window.
"I don't remember you."
The words hurt him, but he nodded in understanding. He knew that. His heart contracted in knowing acceptance.
Katara's eyes shut tightly for a moment. Then turning towards him, her blue eyes opened and locked with his - wide and open and hopeful.
"I don't remember you, Aang… but I love you, too."
They were words they had spoken to one another hundreds, probably thousands of times. But the thrill those words sent through Aang's heart at this moment felt like the first time they'd ever been said.
Katara continued, "I can't change that I don't remember what happened between us." Katara sighed deeply. "But I know who you are now, and I know what I feel deep inside. And I love you."
Aang swallowed past the lump in his throat, his next words barely audible. "You know I'm not safe to love."
"When is it ever safe to love?!" Katara's voice was passionate in her reproof. "Loving is one of the most dangerous and vulnerable things we ever choose to do! But without it, without love, life is just empty. No more than waking and eating and growing old and someday dying. Love is what makes life worth living!"
For the past three years Aang had been doing just that: waking and eating and growing older and dying every day without her. But, despite how much he wanted her, he made one last feeble attempt at reason. "But what if I lose control again?"
"What if you do?!" Katara's gaze bore a hole in him. "We can't let fear rule our future. And you don't get to choose for me what risks I take."
Katara took Aang's hand then and stepped closer to him, tipping her face up towards his, her eyes penetrating.
"And I choose you."
Aang closed the distance between their lips in a heartbeat, holding both sides of her face and kissing Katara with all his pent-up longing. And she kissed him back, her passion meeting his, the two losing themselves in each other.
Time and space disappeared as Katara and Aang became the only two people in the universe.
Breathing hard, Katara finally broke the kiss and rested her forehead against his.
"Oh Katara," Aang breathed out her name, nuzzling into her, the magnitude of his feelings far more than he could even begin to express.
Gently Katara pulled back, so that she could study his face. "Aang… even though I can't remember… I just feel we belong together."
"It won't be simple—"
"I know. I'm not asking for simple. There is still so much to say… so much to give and forgive."
"Can you...?" Aang's heart felt a lurch imagining that she could ever forgive him.
"Not just me." Katara answered. "You'll have to learn to forgive yourself, Aang." Aang leaned his head into hers once more, wondering if he could ever do that.
Katara pulled his head back a few inches so that she could pin him with her penetrating blue eyes. "I can't explain it, Aang, but I can feel that we are connected, you and I; we are two parts of the same whole." Aang felt the echo in her words of truths she had spoken to him before:
'In the Water Tribe that means we are One, two parts of one whole. Our energies, our souls, are now connected.'
Our souls… Our energies.
A memory that wasn't Aang's own flashed before him: a firebender and a whip, Appa locked in a cage. 'Appa and I, our energies are… connected.'
Why had Aang been able to see Appa's memories that day? Come to think of it, this had even happened before, in the swamp with the help of the Banyan Grove Tree.
Aang's heart began to race as truth began to align itself within him.
Koh's words resonated within Aang's thoughts, taking on new meaning: 'I removed nothing – the memories were lost within her own damaged soul all along!... for what is identity after all, but the accumulation of experiences stored up in the energies of a soul as memories?'
Aang looked back to Katara then, his eyes dark and intense - the wisdom of an ancient soul looking at her. "You're right. We are connected."
Aang brought his left hand and put it high on Katara's chest, his thumb carefully placed in the center of her breastbone. Then he pulled her head towards him, his right hand resting on the back of her head, their foreheads touching. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Brilliant blue beams burst from him.
And then from her.
The rays washed over their bodies like liquid light as the shine engulfed them and the entire room.
….
At first the sensation was disorienting, as though their souls were being turned inside out. It was not painful, per se, the sensation more like opening one's insides up, leaving nothing hidden, removing all barriers to expose the Self in utter vulnerability. The two of them joining so openly it was as if they were challenging the concepts of Self entirely. The wide expanse of universe that surrounded them was less of a place, and more of a… state of being.
Aang had been here before, done this once before. But everything about it felt different this time. There was no fight, no battling of wills struggling for dominion; No walking through the twisted mind of a madman.
Aang had only bent the energy of another soul once before, and it had not been a power he was anxious to tamper with again. At that time, twelve-year-old Aang had waded through vile images and desires that did not belong to him, ambitions that sought only for power and delighted in domination and the pain of others. It had been as though Aang was Ozai, their souls inseparable for a time. And Ozai's evil had nearly overcome him.
But this was different. Once again his soul melded with another, the two becoming hardly distinguishable from one another, but this time, Aang felt not a battle, but a surge of common intent. Katara's soul felt incorruptible, and her strength joined to his soul, healing his brokenness, her blue light spreading through his own, filling the spaces where he lacked, filling him with a peace, a wholeness, that he had never felt so completely before.
Aang had thought that his highest wish was to return to how things had been before - before the tragedy that had severed Katara from his life. But now he knew that there was more to be had. That they could be stronger now, fuller, even more complete. There was no turning back, but forward together could be even more potent, more ample. A surge of light seemed to burst through them with additional power.
It took some time for their energies to take shape beyond just light and sensation. Katara's body appeared, stepping from the light as though cracking out of an invisible shell, her body glowing with a light of its own. Aang knew he was not really seeing her; their minds were simply creating a visual representation to help them make sense of what was happening. So he gave his soul shape as well, walking from the light in a body like the one he'd left behind in the Eastern Air Temple.
"Katara," he spoke her name, but not with his mouth, the sound vibrating like light, resonant and ethereal.
"Aang," she answered, her mouth not moving, speaking instead directly to his mind. "Where are we? Are we in the Spirit World?"
Aang looked around at the endless breadth of stars that filled his view. "No," his mind answered, "this is not the Spirit World. This is the expanse that is within our souls."
"Why are we here?" her eyes spoke.
Aang took her hand. "Come."
Aang's tattoos and eyes flashed white. Then the two felt a great vibration as though they had been standing inside a giant cast-iron bell as it was struck with a mallet. And with the sound the two dropped.
Abruptly they splashed into an endless ocean, suspending them in a liquid that was neither wet, nor cold, nor stole their breath away. It shimmered all around them like moonlight on water. Katara looked all around, her hair floating up weightlessly around her body. She startled, her hand tightening in Aang's, as images appeared and disappeared within the endless sea.
Aang looked her way and smiled reassuringly, his heart speaking to hers, "Don't be afraid."
As they looked forward again an image resolved within the shimmering water in front of them. Katara could see herself, submerged in the Oasis at the North Pole. She was just opening her eyes. Aang was there too, a short shock of dark hair on his head and a look of utter desolation in his eyes.
Aang's voice vibrated, "Koh taught me that memories are our experiences stored up in the energies of our souls."
The image shimmered out of focus as another shimmered into focus on their left. They turned to see Aang kneeling in front of Katara, kissing her large cocoa colored belly that held their child; she laughed out loud. Katara could feel the laugh within her own chest as well as a surge of joy as the image disappeared.
To their right another image came. Flying. The two looked younger as they shared Aang's glider and soared through the air. Katara could feel the swoop and fall in her stomach as Aang's laughter echoed in her mind.
Image after image passed all around them – their little home in Republic City; an anniversary on Ember Island; hours healing a burned and broken boy; the Blanket Ceremony that officially knit their lives as one. Katara smelled jasmine tea, her heart leaping as she kissed Aang on Iroh's teashop balcony, the sky ablaze in orange behind them. Image, after image, after image. Katara could feel her emotions spike and calm and twist with each new visage. A flash of anger as the two disagreed heatedly; a pervasive peace as they passed a stream of water back and forth; sorrow as they held one another after another failed month with no baby; simple joy as they laughed over a bowl of noodles.
The memories swirled on and on, each tugging sharply at Katara's emotions and sensations, even though she witnessed them as an outsider, as though they belonged to someone else.
Katara gasped as she relived in a flashing moment the first time they made love, the night of their wedding in the South Pole. Then the second time. And the third. And countless times after that of sharing and showing love, of giving themselves to one another wholly and completely.
Katara breathed hard in shock. No wonder her life had felt so hollow. When now, it felt like it would burst at the seams!
Another image appeared: a whirlwind, with a glowing, menacing Aang floating in the midst of it. Katara felt her heart hammer in her chest, a surge of empathy, an insatiable need to get to him consuming her. Katara felt Aang's hand clench hers next to her; she turned her head to see abject terror on his face as he stared wide-eyed and panicked at the scene. She turned back to the image in time to witness the boulder flying towards her. She could feel her arms lift in sudden alarm to protect herself; she felt in her gut the spike of absolute surprise and disbelief right before the image turned to stark blackness.
For what felt like eternity, they relived each moment. The time seeming to last a lifetime and yet, when it was over, it felt no longer than a blink. The images stopped, leaving her breathless and stunned.
She had seen. She had felt. But the memories still felt like someone else's.
Aang's eyebrows drew together in concentration. She felt him speak to her, his words resonating in her chest. "Koh said he had to work carefully to heal the damage in your soul, to open the pathways." Aang looked around at their unreal surroundings. "That realigning energies is a delicate procedure… Let me see if I can…"
Katara felt a tug on her hand as Aang pulled her after him, the two swimming upward.
Until their heads burst from the ocean, the bright sunshine of the South Pole sea causing Katara to put a hand over her eyes. "Aang," Katara thought, "What is happening now?"
Aang pulled himself onto an ice ledge connected to a gigantic round iceberg. He turned and pulled Katara out of the water and onto the ledge with him. "I'm… working it out now." Aang's echoing words replied to her. "Now you've seen… but they're still not yours. It's not complete…"
Katara stepped back a pace to look at the giant round iceball before her. Katara had never seen ice form naturally like this. She put her hand on the cold ball, looking closer at it. The great iceberg appeared to have space inside, but it was empty, nothing but dark within. Aang stood facing the sphere, one arrowed hand touching its icy curve. She watched his back as he stood contemplating. At long last he turned his shining grey eyes toward her.
"Koh was right," he mind-spoke to her, his voice reverberating. "Your memories are still within you, just locked away." Then Aang held up a club; Katara recognized it as Sokka's old club, the one with the sphere at the end. Where had it come from?
Katara took the club from Aang, its weight feeling surprisingly substantial. She looked to Aang, her eyebrows rising in question.
"I need to… realign some things." Aang said. Then he turned back towards the iceberg, both hands pushing against it. A blinding light flashed from his tattoos. And then he walked forward, right through the ice and into the space within it.
For a moment Katara stood surprised, the weight of her bother's club heavy in her hands. As she waited, worry began to niggle at her. Where had Aang gone? Why had he left her? She knew she was in the South Pole, but she didn't know this place. She turned, looking all around her; there was nothing but vast icy ocean as far as she could see. She shivered, as though feeling the cold for the first time. She turned back towards the iceberg, panic growing in her stomach. Where was Aang? Did he mean to leave her alone? Would he come back?!
Suddenly the iceberg illuminated with a blinding blue-white light, the whole roundness lighting up like a lantern. Katara shaded her eyes with her hand. She noticed she was wearing a mitten. And her old winter parka, the hood pulled up over her hair-loops.
As she looked more closely at the light, she could see a figure within the iceberg – it was a boy sitting cross-legged and suspended within the ball, glowing arrow tattoos on his face and hands shining brilliantly. She gasped as his eyes opened with the same supernatural white glow.
Without thinking Katara lifted the club and began to strike the iceberg with great chopping blows. Once, Twice, Three times. On the fourth strike the ice cracked and she was blown backward, an incredible light beam erupting from the ice with a burst of air that blew her backward.
Katara looked up to see the boy stand glowing on the edge of the ice-crater, before the light darkened from his eyes and tattoos and he fell. On reflex Katara leapt forward, softening the boy's fall as he landed in her arms.
She looked at his face, his eyelids closed as she cradled him from the snow. She noted the large blue arrow on his forehead, his soft child-like cheeks. He made a sound and his eyes blinked open. When his grey eyes locked onto hers she inhaled sharply.
"Aang!"
She knew him.
Not the way she had become acquainted with Aang over the past month, but really knew him.
She recognized his soul.
And in an instant everything snapped into place; Katara gasped like she had fallen backward into an icy pool of thousands, hundreds of thousands, of memories. The remembrances whipping suddenly into place, like a great fallen glass chandelier un-shattering from the floor in reverse, reattaching itself in intricate, illuminated detail to the ceiling in a blink of an eye. In an instant Katara re-experienced everything she had just witnessed in the shimmering ethereal ocean below, only this time the memories were hers!
She remembered.
She remembered it all.
…..
When the brilliant blue light dissipated – when Katara's soul finally felt like it had turned itself 'right-side-out' again – she found that her body was quite abruptly drained of strength. With an exhausted exhale she felt her body slip towards the floor. Aang caught hold of her just as she was falling, and eased them both down to the ground.
Katara's shoulder leaned tiredly against the windowsill as she breathed heavily for a few moments, trying more than anything just to reorient herself to physical reality – lungs that breathe air, a body that requires effort to stay upright, thoughts that were only her own again.
But when she finally opened her eyes and looked at the man sitting in front of her, her whole body startled, an audible gasp escaping her lungs. "Aang!"
Katara had spent quite a bit of time getting acquainted with Aang over the last month. In her naïve interest something had drawn her to him. She had found in Aang a friend, a crush, an ally, someone she trusted and admired; she had found in Aang someone noble and fun and kind and brave - someone that made her inexplicably happy. More than once she had looked into Aang's eyes and thought she'd seen something…more. More than an attractive man, more than just the Avatar, more even than someone she knew she had fallen in love with.
And now she did see more. She saw everything! These were eyes she had spent half her life looking into, the eyes of her closest friend and the person she loved with all her heart. It was disorienting to look at him now for the first time with new (old?) eyes and know him. It was Aang: the boy-turned-man that she knew almost better than she knew herself.
Now when she spoke his name she did so with complete remembrance.
"Aang! It's you!" Both of Katara's hands covered her mouth in shock. "I remember!"
Aang laughed once through glistening tears in his eyes and nodded his head in understanding.
Shocked Katara spoke, "You… you brought them back. You brought all my memories back!"
"Koh told me that there were many facets to soulbending; that what I had done with Ozai had only scratched the surface of its capabilities..."
Katara looked wide-eyed at Aang, still reveling in what it felt like to know him again. "You've done it, Aang. You've made me whole again!"
Aang looked at her, his eyes deep with meaning. "You've helped me too. When our souls combined, your soul – well, I can't explain it totally – but it helped to… heal mine." Aang looked at her admiringly, "You have an incorruptible soul, Katara."
"Healed your soul? What does that mean?"
"I'm not exactly sure."
"Will you still have trouble with… control? Of the Avatar Spirit?"
Aang's brow furrowed. "I don't know. Maybe. The power of the Avatar is still something I will always have within me, and there is no guarantee I won't ever lose control of it again. But right now, it feels… I don't know how to explain it, but I don't feel so much fear… I don't feel the power struggling within me… like the conflict is… lessened now." Aang struggled to find the right words to describe it, "It's not so much that I feel in control… but as though control is no longer the goal."
Aang put his hand on his chest as though he could feel the Spirit within, his eyes wide and shining. "It just feels like my Avatar Spirit and I are undivided again. The way we're meant to be."
Aang brought his hand up to cup the side of Katara's face as he said gratefully, "And you helped that happen, Katara. Thank you."
Katara leaned into his hand. She could feel Aang's thumb run over the scar on her cheek, pain darkening his eyes as his fingers traced the scar back into her hairline. Carefully he leaned in close to her and turned her face so that he could press his lips to the scar on her cheek, following it back up to her ear, whispering with each kiss how sorry he was. Katara's full lips parted, her eyelids sliding closed as she let him. Until with a shiver she pulled back to look at him.
"Aang… I know you didn't mean to," she said softly. Then another thought came back to her with breath-stealing clarity. "Oh Aang!" Katara touched his face tenderly, her chin quivering in grief. "Our baby…"
Aang dropped his hand from her face. At first unable to find his voice, Aang merely nodded, the pain in his expression profound. Eventually he managed to whisper, "I'm so sorry, Katara."
"Me too." Her hand found the empty place at her middle where their child had once grown. "You say she was a… a girl?" Katara asked. "I always thought she would be a girl…"
Aang nodded again.
"Kya then," Katara said through her tears. "Then she would have been Kya."
Again Aang nodded tightly, his pain obvious.
Katara didn't know if she could process right now what it meant to her to lose the baby who would have shared her mother's name.
Katara didn't know who leaned in first, maybe it had been a mutual gravitational pull towards one another, but without conscious thought Aang and Katara ended up in a tight embrace; both sharing their pain and offering whatever comfort they could muster. They held one another together as they both fell apart in their grief. This was new pain for Katara, a tragedy just remembered. She couldn't imagine how Aang had managed to mourn this burden alone for the past three years.
Aang spoke, his voice strangled. "I never got to see her… they didn't let me… I didn't get to see you... I wasn't... safe..."
"Oh Aang," Katara held the back of his neck with her hand, pulling him tighter to her in their shared grief. "Oh Sweetie. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how awful that was for you."
Aang pulled back from her embrace and looked at her in disbelief, as though he could not fathom how she would have a scrap of empathy for him.
"Sweetie," Katara went on, speaking through the tears that gathered in her eyes. "I know you didn't mean to." The tears began to fall again from her eyes. "I'm as heartbroken" her voice cracked on the word, "as you are. But I know it was an accident. You weren't in control. You never meant any of it to happen."
"It's more than that, Katara. I should never have left you in the tent! When we were attacked. I left to protect Zuko. And I left you alone… carrying our baby…"
"That was not your fault, Aang."
"It was! I shouldn't have even let you come! At the very least I should have stayed by your side!"
"No, Aang. No!" Katara's voice was firm. "Sometimes bad things happen, but you are NOT responsible for preventing every single one of them!" Katara's lip curled in anger. "It was them! Those Omashu traitors. As far as I'm concerned they killed our baby. Not you."
"But it was me who—"
"Stop it, Aang! Stop it! Stop acting like you ought to have some sort of omnipotent control! You don't! You don't. None of us do."
Aang's eyes were wide and dark, a millions emotions swimming in their depths, but he said nothing as she continued.
"Sometimes tragedies happen. And no one can change it; not even the 'Almighty Avatar'," Katara said forcefully. "We got attacked. I got hurt. You lost control. These are all things you didn't choose."
Katara's voice softened as she put her hand on Aang's shoulder. " 'All you really have control over is how you choose to let what happens shape your future.'" Katara smiled softly and asked, "You know who taught me that?"
Aang gave her a sober knowing look.
"You did." She said, answering her own question.
Aang laughed derisively, "Easier said than put into practice, I suppose."
Katara looked at Aang tenderly. "But you have done it before, Sweetie, and we can do it again. Together. Neither of us has control over what happened in the past. All we can control is what we choose now. And to believe in good things to come."
"Forgiveness, Loyalty, Hope." Aang said, quoting Gran Gran. "Forgiveness for mistakes we must then leave in the past, fierce loyalty in the present, and always a hope for a bright future together."
Katara nodded, emotion thick in her throat as she pulled Aang towards her, resting their foreheads together. "Aang, this isn't going to be easy. There is still so much for us to work through. Still so much to say and understand. Consequences that haven't gone away. But I'm willing…" she closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm willing, if you are?"
Aang closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against hers. "Katara… I've missed you so much." The words were small, but the depth of emotion behind them was fathomless.
"I didn't know it, not in concrete terms anyway, but I missed you too, Aang. Even with no memory of you, I knew my life was missing something vital. We've been apart already for too long. Already lost so much time…" Katara brought her lips to Aang's. "Lets not lose any more time. Starting now, you and I, we're One again."
…..
They were almost finished packing up to leave the Eastern Air Temple. Katara walked toward Aang and lifted the last supplies up to him as he airbended them from her hands and up to where he stood in the saddle on Appa's back. Aang smiled at her as he squatted down and began tying them securely under the tarp.
"Hey Katara!" Aang called with a smirk, "What did the lazy firebender do instead of hot-squats?"
Katara groaned in good-natured exasperation. "Aang! Seriously, I remember all the punch lines now."
"Come on, Katara! I'm just checking that all your memories are back." Aang said with a playful wink.
Katara sighed and answered with a long-suffering smirk. "Instead of hot-squats he did diddly-squats."
Despite it being his own joke, and a pretty lame one at that, Aang laughed.
"You've been telling that same joke since you were twelve, Aang! And, by the way, no matter how many times you try, you have never gotten Zuko to laugh at it."
"But every time I tell it, and he doesn't laugh, it makes me laugh." Aang said cheekily. "It's worth it just to see the tortured look on his face every single time."
Katara laughed and shook her head as she walked towards Appa's head to look down over the edge of the courtyard. Appa bumped her fondly with his head; she smiled and scratched behind his ear. "Thanks, Appa." She said to the bison, "It's good to BE back." Appa lowed and nuzzled into her hand in appreciative affection.
Aang walked up beside her. "What are you looking at?"
Katara tisked, "You really let our garden go to pot, Aang... look at it down there! What a mess."
Aang let out a mirthless laugh. "It's not exactly the messiest part of our life to clean up, you know."
Katara looked at him knowingly, but chose to keep things lighthearted. "Agreed. I mean really, Aang, your waterbending has gone to pot too! We definitely will need to work on that."
Aang chuckled in his throat. Then turning a suggestively raised eyebrow on her, "I guess I'll need you to whip me into shape again, eh, Katara?"
Katara smiled coyly at him and bumped him with her shoulder. "You need a good whipping."
Aang's smile grew. "Come on Katara, WATER you waiting for?"
"Oh Aang," Katara dropped her head in her hand as though she were enduring torture. "You really need to get some new jokes."
"Had you laughing two days ago."
"Well congratulations, Avatar, you took advantage of a fractured mind to get someone to laugh at your dumb jokes," she teased.
"But you did laugh," Aang gloated undeterred.
Despite the way Katara rolled her eyes, it was obviously done with unmistakable affection.
Aang's smile lingered for another moment before it slowly slipped from his face, his eyes becoming dark and sober. "I still can't believe this is real," Aang said with a catch in his voice as he looked out over the mountains. "After everything… I don't deserve you, Katara."
A swell of emotion filled her as Katara reached out and linked her pinkie with Aang's. She remembered now what this meant between them: I'm here. You're not alone. We can do this. He looked down at their hands, his expression thick.
"I need you, Katara," Aang spoke huskily. "I feel so selfish to admit it, but I just can't do life without you anymore."
Katara took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I know. Me either. I'm just still working on not being angry that you tried."
Aang turned to her imploringly, "Katara, I never would have—"
"I know," She cut him off quickly. "I know why you did it. And I also know you aren't all at fault." Katara's jaw tightened.
Aang rubbed the back of his neck, clearly aware of where her thoughts were directed. After a moment Aang cleared his throat cautiously he motioned towards Appa and their packed belongings. "Well we need to be getting back to Ba Sing Se. Sokka and your dad will be so worried."
Katara crossed her arms indignantly. "As far as I'm concerned they can stay that way." She said angrily.
Aang stepped up behind her and put his hands on her stiff shoulders supportively, massaging gently. Then choosing his words carefully he said, "I know you're angry with them, Sweetie. But I hope you can, you know, try to forgive. Try to understand their motives. They both love you so much." Aang wrapped his arms around her and laid his chin on her shoulder. "They just wanted to keep you safe."
"Safe and in a prison," she said bitterly. Katara knew that Aang wanted her to forgive her dad and brother. But right now that felt like an impossible task. She supposed only time would tell if those relationships could be repaired.
Aang sighed in understanding. He knew what she was feeling, and she knew that he would be lying if he said he wasn't working through some forgiveness himself.
"But we need to be getting back anyway," Aang said after some time. "I've got a little legal issue I've got to work on."
Katara turned her head over her shoulder to look at him. "What legal issue?"
Aang didn't make eye contact, shame full on his face. "Well… as you know, I didn't go with you to the South Pole when your dad took you back home. I agreed to stay away to give you a new start, to try to keep you safe. Your dad said that that fulfilled the Law of Abandonment. So that legally, I'm not your husband anymore."
Katara's brow pulled low. "Oh yeah? Is that what he told you?" The anger in her voice could have sliced through a boulder.
Aang released her and stepped forward to stand next to her again, his eyes full of pain as he looked out at the horizon. "Yes. And I'd really like to… well I mean, if you'll… have me…?" Aang looked at her pleadingly from under his sad brows. "I was hoping that you would, you know, marry me… again?"
The lack of surety in his voice broke Katara's heart. Had their relationship really come to this point? When Aang could be so doubtful of her feelings? Looked like they had some work to do.
Katara lifted his chin to look him in the eyes, her voice full of empathy with a touch of reproof. "Aang, how could you even think that I wouldn't want that? We are One, Aang. And nothing is going to change that." The relief in Aang's fathomless eyes hurt.
"Nothing has changed that, in fact." Katara said, a bite back in her tone. "So I suppose that 'the Chief' forgot to mention that Abandonment is only legal as long as you don't return, right? And as long as I agree to it? But since no body asked me…" Katara seethed. "then it's not binding. Technically, my dad also fulfilled Abandonment when he went to fight in the war. But my Stewardship shifted back to him from Sokka when he came back into my life."
"So what are you saying?" there was cautious hope in Aang's face.
"What I'm saying is that you have returned, AND I accept you. So we're still married."
Aang blinked at her for a moment, as if he didn't understand what she had said. Then he began to move in a flurry.
"Appa!" Aang called as he worked on releasing the saddle from his bison's back and airbended it to the ground. "Change of plans!"
Then rushing back to Katara he grabbed her hand and pulled her after him toward the tower entrance, all the while talking to his sky bison. "Sorry Buddy, but something urgent came up. And we need uh… a few more hours…" Aang looked at Katara for approval, "days?" she laughed and nodded her agreement. "Days. Before we can leave."
Then Aang pulled Katara into an urgent heated kiss, one that left her weak in the knees, before swooping her up, head spinning into his arms and kissing her again. When the kiss broke Katara laughed breathlessly at Aang's complete lack of subtlety, her heart warming evermore for this wonderful man she had loved nearly all her life.
Aang began to carry her towards the tower, talking over his shoulder to Appa, "So you can go… do your thing. And we'll, you know, do our thing… See you… when we see you, Buddy!" And with that Katara yelped as Aang put on a burst of speed and ran with her back towards their room.
Off to start their marriage, and their life together, anew.
…..
THE END
(Or better yet: THE NEW BEGINNING)
…..
Final A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read all the way through this story! As always, I would love to hear from you in the comments (even if you are reading this years from now – it would make my day =)
Take care!
-Amy