Breathing space...
PSA Sixteen: Destructive Addictionz
Begin Tape
"We ain't seen head or hindquarters of that shrimp and I'm sicka bumblin' around out here, Marie. Are ya sure this is where the deal is goin' down?" Lee questioned softly while sticking close behind her sister, who had a pair of body heat-seeking goggles wrapped over top of her eyes. The two of them were creeping among the hollow, skeletal house frames of the construction site in the pitch black dead of night, the moon hidden behind a thick wall of clouds because it didn't want to lend the detestable duo a natural handy nightlight.
"You mean I ain't seen an ounce of the brat," Marie corrected, crouching beside the mud-caked treads of a bulldozer and peaking around it. "I told your near-sighted tail to swipe a lantern from the Communal Tools Rental while I borrowed Double D's perv-glasses, but spilling over jackhammers must give you a thrill up your leg."
"That jackhammer did it on purpose. Besides, if ya can't help yer older sister as her loyal seeing-eye hound, then what are ya good for?" Lee retorted disdainfully. Her hands shot out to keep a steady hold on the scruff of Marie's neck, her eyes trying their best to pierce into the hazy darkness of the work zone.
"I'm good for scoring you sloppy seconds," Marie snickered out before scoring Lee's hammer-jack fist on the top of her crown. She rubbed the freshest sore whelp of the week on the peak of her skull but rather than retaliate against her ornery sister, she focused in on a mobile wheelbarrow on the other side of the construction site.
Marie observed through her thermal-goggles as the heat-signature of a tall, lanky figure wheeled their master into a gap between a drainage ditch and a formidably large backhoe. The blurry blot of warmth from the kid sitting within the bucket of the wheelbarrow sat up on the dump lip while the taller figure rounded from the back handles to stand guard by their side.
"I ain't used to ya not havin' anything smart to say back to me, so that must mean you finally found some results," Lee whispered down to Marie, who steadily rose from her prone position while allowing Lee to keep her unkempt nails buried in her neck folds.
"Yeah and since I'm such a thoughtful younger sister, I'll even lead you over to those juicy results," Marie replied venomously while tramping over shadowed ground toward their targets, Lee holding onto her like a living guide rope.
As the two siblings approached, the kid on the wheelbarrow smirked grubbily and brought his hands together in front of him.
"You've arrived on time. That must mean you take this transaction as seriously as I do," Jimmy welcomed as he sat in his wheelbarrow limo and formed a triangle with his fingers while his wrists rested on his knees. His bodyguard Rolf grunted next to him, the suburban farmer's throat too sore from calling for his papa after a cow-branding accident to give a more gracious greeting.
"We came at the right time, but where were you?" Marie barked back as she halted in front of him. She stuck out her heel when Lee bumped into her back, preventing herself from taking a spill of her own. "Having a swell moment sitting back and watching sexy me lead unsexy Lee around by the skin of my neck, right?"
"My loyal steed Rolf had to stop pushing my chariot when I got weary and took a short cat nap," Jimmy admitted, Lee prepping her knuckles to grace Marie's scalp a second time.
"Save the nap-time excuses for a chump who cares, coil-bangs," Lee demanded before transforming her pain-fist into a point-finger over Marie's shoulder at Jimmy. "Me and Marie came out here for a sack of the good stuff and that's what we're expectin' to get."
The froufrou vendor rapped his fingertips together for a few seconds before plopping one of his hands into the dirt stored within the wheelbarrow and sifting around.
"Then I won't disappoint," Jimmy stated reassuringly before wresting a black garbage bag full of Edd's unwashed laundry free of the grime and holding it aloft. "This bag has the spice you need to-" he began before shifting his pupils to the corners of his eyes and staring at the bag. "Sorry this item is for Kevin, let me try once more..." he said cheekily, stuffing the disgusting trash clothes-diaper into its hiding place before digging around a second time.
"Rolf grows impatient at this rigamarole of a trussless tryst," Rolf croaked through the tightly clumped welts in the back of his mouth while standing guard at his stalwart post by Jimmy's side.
"I feel the same dang way, clucker shmuck," Lee commented while stifling a turkey call yawn with the backside of her hand.
"Bingo," Jimmy stated as he held up a stretched out clear plastic baggy stuffed to the limit of bursting with jawbreakers.
Marie lifted the heat-seeking goggles from over her eyes and formed a sinister grin while Lee scrunched her lips together.
"That's looking a lot more like the poison we're after," Marie breathed while wrapping her fingers around her pink leather belt in desire. "But don't hesitate to auction off that trash bag to me too. I need my fill of dirty geek smut way more than that meathead does."
"One steal of a deal at a time, Marie," Lee cautioned before lightly shoving her disturbing kin aside and eying the jawbreaker baggie. She reached out and ran a finger over the clean plastic wrapped around the dimples of the candy while mulling the deal over in her head. "These sugar circles really legit? Cause I ain't handin' over payment unless they put a deep tissue tingle in the side of May's tongue."
"If you want your dear May to sate her darker tendencies, then stuffing these delectable orbs between her teeth and cheek will do the trick," Jimmy explained resolutely.
"It humors Rolf that the blonde hickadilly has fallen for the crystal goodie balls harder than Rolf's sweet-tooth addled cul-de-sac companions," Rolf forced himself to say, instantly regretting every word he spoke since they felt like razor pin-pricks stabbing his throat sores.
"Don't pretend you don't love the sting of a jawbreaker against your tongue too, Rolf," Jimmy playfully teased, Rolf ripping a knowing grin back at his employer.
"Now you jerks are grossing me out with this candy talk, that's exactly the kinda creepy crap May's been saying every time she gets that sugar itch she needs to scratch," Marie complained.
"Believe me, sister, she's joined a big club in that department," Jimmy replied as images of all of his jawbreaker-addicted neighbors flashed through his head like a demented slideshow. "But all this chatter hasn't made me lose sight of the matter at hand - fork over the payment and we'll make the exchange."
"Alright, alright, we're getting to that part," Marie said sourly, Lee digging her fingers into her pants pockets and raffling around. "Getting the chance to spit game to a couple of hot tickets like us should've been payment enough."
"That's not worth a dime in the book I'm keeping," Jimmy retorted before arcing his gaze to Lee, who had slipped a toy army soldier in mint-condition packaging, accessory rocket launcher not included, out of her pocket.
"I picked up yer buffed-out army man, so hand over those jawbreakers," Lee commanded while wriggling her fingers at the plastic baggie held in Jimmy's grip.
"Allow me to inspect him personally before we swap," Jimmy ordered, Lee reluctantly handing him over.
Rolf drew a torch soaked in oil from within the confines of the wheelbarrow and cracked his chompers together hard enough to produce a spark to light it. He held it above Jimmy's head to illuminate the package, and Marie and Lee waited with bated breath to hear his verdict.
"The cardboard doesn't have a crinkle to speak of, and his pecks are sculpted to perfection..." Jimmy mumbled as he turned the item over in his hand. "You trailer floozies will be happy to hear that this Lieutenant Landmine figure meets my standards," he finally spoke up, earning him satisfied smiles from Marie and Lee. "The jawbreakers are all yours."
Releasing his clutch on the baggie of jawbreakers, Jimmy allowed it to fall into Lee's waiting palms. Before anyone could bask in their newly acquired illicit goods, the wheelbarrow that served as Jimmy's transport suddenly began to vibrate slightly, putting them all on edge.
"Toss a break my way to soil my jaws with!" Ed shouted happily as his head erupted from the dirt inside the wheelbarrow right beneath Jimmy, the dainty dealer shrieking in shock while he was lifted up from his perch by his buttocks.
"We have a nasty interloper, Rolf!" Jimmy shouted before jumping from Ed's head to the son of a shepherd's arms and clinging onto his shirt, the torch falling out of Rolf's grip and rolling into the nearby drainage ditch.
"I shoulda known this big boy would be stalkin' around wherever there's jawbreakers involved..." Lee commented as she and Marie watched Ed force the rest of his body out of the soft earth.
"You get two big boys for the price of one, Lee!" Ed announced as a pile of dirt held in his arms fell away to reveal a napping Edd with ear muffs wrapped over his sock hat.
"So you and my sleepyhead boyfriend came out here to try and snatch our jawbreakers, is that it?" Marie interrogated as Lee protectively pulled the candy baggie to her chest. "Well tough tacky, big Ed, go get your own!"
"No way, Marie, getting our own jawbreakers never works," Ed laughed as the wheelbarrow tipped over from his enormous weight. His feet landed rather neatly onto the ground while a pile of dirt spilled out of the end of the wheelbarrow rather not neatly around his sneakers.
"Is this some kind of bust? Did a dental association put you up to this?" Jimmy asked fearfully from Rolf's farmer-tanned forearms.
"We didn't come to steal or squeal, but I am here to bust out fat wads of knowledge about this 'Real Bad' event!"
"Should it not be Double D Ed-boy performing that dishonorable duty?" Rolf inquired hoarsely while giving a discerning eye to the napping nerd in Ed's clutches.
"Double D is up way past his bed time so I enforced curfew and promised to handle the PB and J myself," Ed explained thoughtlessly. "I'll trade ya for him, Rolf. I always wanted to have my very own Jimmy."
"As would I... he would make an acceptable lab assistant..." Edd mumbled before wiggling around in Ed's arms to attain a more comfortable position.
"This is a waste of time, we gotta get these jawbreakers back home before May starts chewing on the couch's arm rest for a fix!" Lee interjected while hugging her purchased product tightly.
"Allowing your yucky baby sister to become ensnared within the tangle of addiction is 'Real Bad' and you should feel bad!" Ed belted out while rocking Edd back and forth to make sure he didn't wake up without getting his precious REM sleep.
"Why should we feel bad, huh? It's your fault May's drooling for jawbreakers, she started sucking on 'em to try and impress you!" Marie shot back defensively.
"Abusing sugar to attract a love ape or to drown your sorrows is a way one-lane highway to a brick playpen!" Ed lectured before kicking dirt around with his feet and stepping beside the irritated sisters. "What May really needs is for her big sisters to comfort her before the addiction really grabs her! If ya don't, she might start hanging out with scam artists or other types of foul but lovable villains to try and score more of the bad medicine!"
"Ya know, Marie, big Ed's makin' a good point!" Lee realized while easing her grip on the candy baggie. "Feedin' into May's stupid appetite for sweets has got us idiots falling on our faces in the middle of the night to help her out!"
"Sure, I guess we were just doing whatever we could to get her to stop bugging out and bothering us," Marie relented as she let go of her anger, flipping the body heat-seeking goggles back over her eyes. "I love to torture May as much as you do, Lee, but it ain't easy to say no when she starts pouting or blubbering."
"Don't I know how that goes!" Ed exclaimed after turning to gaze toward you, the reader. "You kids sitting in the bleachers out there should use your heads before diving into any unidentified delicious substances! They sure look sweet on the outside, but they always turn out to be rotten on the inside!"
"And sharing icky substances with others for fun or profit makes you even worse than a desperate addict!" Jimmy stated while cuddling his toy soldier in Rolf's arms as they both looked shamefully at you, the reader.
"Rolf feels great sorrow wracking his chest, invisible ones," Rolf added with his frayed vocal chords.
"Ya aren't helping out yer friends and family when you buy that garbage for 'em neither, you're really hurtin' 'em!" Lee admitted while dangling the jawbreakers in front of you, the reader, to drive the point home.
"Yeah, put me down for what Lee said or whatever..." Marie whispered in a strangely gratified tone as she stared at not you, the reader, but through Ed's pants with the body heat-seeking goggles instead.
"Stick this all in your memory hole and you'll be able to deal with being addicted or helping an addict in their greatest minute of need!" Ed declared to you, the reader, before dropping a dozing Edd onto the frigid construction dirt and throwing his arms above his head.
As the PSA ended and began to fade to black, Ed suddenly wrenched his head around and snatched the bag of jawbreakers from Lee's hand with his teeth and made a run for it, forcing her and Marie to chase the gibbering lump around in the dark while Jimmy and Rolf were forced to worry about tucking Edd in for bed.
End of PSA Tape Sixteen