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Chapter 21

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 21. Thank you so much for those who've commented and followed, left kudos, and read. I would love to hear from more of you about your thoughts on the story. I always taken reviews/comments into account when I write.

Trigger warning for detailed conversation around the rape of a child.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

The morning of their first therapy appointment, the detective sat pensively in the living room, sipping coffee as she waited for her girlfriend to emerge from the bedroom. When she did, the blonde looked uncharacteristically sluggish, even though Liv was more than aware she hadn't slept much the previous evening. "Hey, love," she greeted softly, noticing the woman's arms wrapped protectively around her middle. "Did you manage to get some sleep?"

"Not really," Alex grumbled, disappointed, as she approached Benson in her living room. She hadn't fallen asleep until Olivia had left the bed, and after only an hour or two, she awoke to an unfortunate surprise in her underwear. "Babe, do you have any maxi pads? I didn't think to pack mine when I left the penthouse."

"I don't usually wear pads," the older of the two broke the news gently, tipping her head to the side in concern as the attorney bit mercilessly at her lower lip. "I have tampons in the cabinet under the sink though."

Understandably, Alex hesitated to sit down, not wanting to get blood on any of the police officer's furniture. Her eyes met her foot, which was dancing anxiously against the wooden floor of the kitchen, several feet away from Olivia who sat alert on the couch. "Liv, I don't use tampons," she squeaked, embarrassed, upset her monthly gift and her own unpreparedness had forced this conversation.

"Hey, it's okay," the brunette eagerly reassured the nervous ADA, standing up from the couch and approaching Alex. Of course she didn't use tampons. This should have occurred to her already, Olivia chided herself, hating any time she inadvertently added to the anxiety of the woman she loved. "How about you write down the brand and size you buy, and I'll go get you some?"

"I…" she stammered. "You don't have to—" Cabot sighed, trying to remember how to speak eloquently. "You don't have to do that."

"Here, sweetheart." She passed over a piece of printer paper and a pen, gesturing to the kitchen island. "I want you to rest before our appointment in a few hours, Al, and you clearly don't feel well." The prosecutor dutifully wrote down the information her girlfriend had requested, too fatigued to fight for the independence she felt obligated to retain. "I'll bring back breakfast too. Do you have a favorite tea?"

Alex was suddenly very overloaded and overstimulated, unsure of how to react to three separate offers on Liv's part to take care of her. "I…don't really have a preference," she murmured, worrying her lip again, before handing the paper over to Olivia.

"Are you okay, love? What's going on?" The detective took the one remaining step to be directly in front of Cabot, and she reached out for her hand, squeezing lightly.

"I'm just a little overwhelmed," she admitted, underplaying it. "There's just a lot going on today." What a pathetic argument, the ever-present drill sergeant reamed her out. You have therapy and your period. All in one day? How awful! These things barely qualified as "a lot going on."

"I'm sorry, Liv. I…" Alex shook her head, trying to rid her mind of the less than compassionate thoughts. It didn't matter what a lifeless entity that existed only in her head thought of her. Olivia loved her. Olivia had offered to get the pads.

Olivia was different.

The older woman furrowed her brow. "Are you apologizing for menstruating?"

"No." Alex huffed. "Yes. I don't know what I'm apologizing for. It's just embarrassing. I'm—" She stopped herself from apologizing again.

The brunette smiled fondly at the younger woman, giving her hand another squeeze. "Can I offer some thoughts and a plan?"

The attorney just nodded, afraid she'd say sorry again if she dared to open her mouth. "I understand why this is hard, Al. But there is not a reason in the world why you need to be embarrassed right now. Not of wearing pads. Not of me going to get them for you. Not of getting your period. Not of accepting help. Today was already going to be a big day for you, and I don't imagine you had also planned on telling me you don't use tampons, which obviously brings up some discomfort. So, I want to support you through this day in any way I can. I'm going to pick these up." She folded the paper into a square and shoved it in her pocket. "I'm going to grab some bagels and some breakfast tea to calm your stomach. Then, I'll come back here, and we'll eat. We'll take it easy for a bit, and then we'll go meet Kimani."

Alex swallowed. "Thank you for not making me choose."

"Come here," Benson finally invited, cradling the base of her girlfriend's skull and bringing her lips to the blonde's forehead for three quick kisses, letting the fourth linger. "One day at a time, okay?" she whispered into her skin. The other woman nodded again, gripping the nape of Olivia's neck and exhaling deeply. "There's ibuprofen in the cabinet. I'll be back in thirty minutes."

With one last kiss—this time to her lips—Liv grabbed her wallet and left the apartment.

A few hours later, Alex found herself in an unfamiliar room, sitting on an unfamiliar couch, across from an unfamiliar person. At least she knew Olivia. Olivia was familiar.

Kimani was nice enough, but her lower abdomen throbbed, and her head spun as pain and anxiety made it difficult for her to concentrate. She wanted this so badly—the opportunity to learn how to cope with what she'd gone through and experience a fulfilling relationship with Olivia.

"Alex?"

The unfamiliar voice saying her name brought her back to reality. She'd been asking so many questions, and Olivia had been honest to a fault, probably wanting to set an example and show her girlfriend that it was okay to be truthful with a therapist. She was a therapist, for goodness sakes! That's what they were there for. Still, Alex waited helplessly for her drill sergeant's ruthless cross examination, knowing he'd find a hole in Kimani's trustworthiness. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired today." A lie of omission. If Alex squinted, she could almost convince herself that it was excusable. She was used to lying. But she'd been trying not to.

Evidence. Alex needed evidence to shut her drill sergeant up. Kimani was a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in sex and sex after trauma, the attorney began to list in her head. She had a degree in psychotherapy, and she'd had four years of post-Master's experience. She'd worked with dozens of survivors and their partners, and most of her clients had made strides. Kimani's case was closed. She was trustworthy.

"That's okay, Alex. I was just wondering if you were ready to talk about what we'll do next."

Cabot turned to Olivia, always looking for guidance. "That wasn't a trick question, sweetheart," she promised softly, brushing a piece of hair behind Alex's ear as she spoke. "If you're not ready, tell her. It's okay." Liv had questioned the wisdom of offering physical comfort during their session, but Alex had from the beginning seemed to request it, as if she knew Kimani wouldn't judge them and wanted to soak up the acceptance and take advantage of it as much as possible. "It's your decision," the brunette concluded, deferring to the other woman's choice, something the ADA had told Kimani was an issue for her. She'd actually been just as honest as Olivia had been, speaking quickly but earnestly about almost everything Olivia already knew about, including the upcoming confrontation with the Cabots, and she found that even though Liv was amazingly supportive, there was something about talking to someone whose job it was to listen that was so much less shame-inducing. And she felt less guilty about it because she didn't feel like she could be as much of a burden to someone who didn't really know her.

"Yeah, okay, sounds good."

Kimani smiled softly. "So, I know this is just our first session, but I want you both to start working on two things in between our appointments. The first is keeping the lines of communication open. It's sounds like you're doing a fairly good job of this already, but it's important to be conscious of it. The other thing," she continued, pulling two packets of papers off the desk next to her and handing one each to the two women, "is these touch exercises. Alex, it'll help you become more comfortable with different kinds of touch, and Olivia, these exercises will help you feel comfortable with the idea of touching Alex. I want you to combine the communication you're working on with these exercises. Since we're only starting, I don't want either of you to feel like you need to progress quickly through the packet. For now, start with things you're already doing—like you said, you've been kissing and cuddling a lot. That's great. The idea is to move slowly into more intimate touches, and you're always welcome to skip over something that makes you feel uncomfortable." She paused for a moment to check for understanding from her clients, who both nodded. "If you want to start by just reading through the packet together and discussing your thoughts on it with each other, that's also perfectly fine. This is your therapy, and these choices are yours to make. I would like to talk about your progress when we meet, but please, take it at your own pace. There is no timeline for which to complete these exercises."

Olivia smiled, nudging her girlfriend lightly with her shoulder. "Sound familiar?"

Alex blushed, but still gave a small smirk. Liv always knew what she was talking about.

"Am I the third wheel in this inside joke?" Kimani asked lightly.

"No, just…the no timeline thing—Olivia tells me that a lot," Alex explained to the therapist.

"Well, it sounds like you're already on the right track. I know first sessions can be overwhelming, and it's often the hardest one. You both shared a lot today, and I think I have a good idea of the kinds of things we'll need to talk about together. Do you feel okay to continue next week?"

Without even thinking, Cabot nodded, and it occurred to her that it was the easiest choice she'd made in quite some time. She was exhausted, sure, but she felt lighter, more equipped already. The packet of papers in her hands would serve as a roadmap to connection with Olivia, and Kimani would shine a light in the direction they needed to go. "Yes, definitely," the blonde answered, turning to her girlfriend. "What about you, Liv?"

"Yes, of course."

"What questions do you have for me today?" the kind woman asked after making them another appointment.

Alex and Olivia both felt pretty confident, and they knew if anything came up in the coming week, they could ask Kimani about it next time. They said goodbye and headed home, the attorney still flabbergasted with her own forthcomingness and ability to share. She'd come so far already, and she couldn't wait to make real tangible progress.

Olivia exited the shower that evening to find Alex placing her cell phone on the nightstand by what had become her side of the bed. "Important phone call?" she asked, getting into the bed next to her girlfriend.

The younger woman shrugged. "I called my father. He seemed happy to hear that I'm coming to see him next week. It was probably the last pleasant interaction I'll ever have with him though."

Olivia knew what was coming, but she also knew that somehow, the woman she loved had gathered the courage to make contact with and soon confront the person who arguably did the most damage to her as a child. So she was extremely proud of Alex, but she also worried for her safety. "Do you want to go by yourself so that I don't make things worse when they ask who I am?"

"No, honey," she answered vehemently. "First of all, if I ever have the approval of my parents, I give you permission to shoot me. And second, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you." The corners of her lips turned upward slightly as she got herself situated in bed and wrapped her arms around the detective. "This is me accepting help."

Olivia awoke in the night to soft whimpering and terrified thrashing, recognizing immediately that Alex was having a nightmare. After the stress-filled day she'd had, it came as no surprise, but the older woman's heart ached to see the evident horror and subsequent helplessness on her love's face. "Al," she whispered, still trying to keep some distance. She wished she knew what the ADA was dreaming about because maybe it would clue her in to how to help her. "Baby, can you wake up?" she tried, a little louder. "You're safe. It's Olivia," she cooed, her voice breaking with desperation. Finally, unsure of what else to do, she intertwined her fingers with Alex's, squeezing firmly, and by some miracle, the woman's eyes snapped open.

"Baby, do you know where you are?" Benson asked slowly after she'd blinked a few times.

Her eyes met the ceiling. "In bed."

That wasn't a reassuring response. Had she been dreaming about Tammy?

"You're in my bed," the cop corrected tenderly. "You're safe with me, sweetheart. It's just me, Al. It's Olivia."

Alex's head snapped in the other woman's direction. "Olivia."

"Yeah, it's me." A sad smile graced her features as she could tell the younger woman was staring through her, and the utterance of her name wasn't one of recognition, but one of searching. Alex was still looking for Olivia, but something was preventing her from finding her. "No one is going to hurt you, Alex. I'm just going to lie next to you and hold your hand. You can do this. I'm right here. Come back to me, love."

The brunette knew she'd found her when she returned the tight grip on her hand, and tears sprung to her eyes when she realized she'd scared Olivia. "Liv, I'm sorry." She was anxious, but her cloudy blue irises were still somewhat empty as she searched for an anchor to reality. Sometimes Liv's loving voice and careful touch could only do so much. She'd made progress today. Naturally, there would be a regression. Before her drill sergeant could counter, Olivia shut him up herself.

"Shh. It's not your fault you had a nightmare. It's going to take a minute to be fully grounded. But I'm right here. Just keep breathing. Focus on my hand around yours and my voice."

"I..." Alex firmly believed that the other woman deserved a better explanation after more than four months of random panic and chronic insomnia. "My father was yelling and...Pastor Paul."

Liv nodded in understanding. "You're safe now."

"I know that." She rolled just a little and buried her face into Olivia's chest, more intimate contact than she usually initiated, but she wanted to feel the sweet, steady breath of the woman she loved as she spoke. "I know I'm safe with you. I just…now that I'm getting out all this repressed trauma, I think my mind is wanting a clean slate. It's like human Alex is pushing me to spill it all."

Olivia hummed. "I think human Alex is very smart. I also think calling her human Alex is a little redundant. The point is, love, that you are human Alex. She's not a separate identity. She is you in your genuine form."

Alex knew it was redundant. But she was so used to filing things away in different categories and putting labels on parts of herself for safety that it was sort of strange to give in and recognize the person she'd always been, but was only now allowing herself to be. "Well, Alex, I mean I," she corrected herself nervously, "think I should tell you about my nightmare."

Olivia let her lips brush against the crown of her head. "Only if you want to. But I'm going to need you to sit up so I can look at your face, sweetheart. Can I hold your hands?" she questioned gently when Alex had cooperated with Olivia's request. The blonde wanted her to feel safe throughout this conversation, and Cabot knew she'd feel safer if she could monitor her eyes from an upright point-of-view as she spoke.

The prosecutor offered both of her hands to the other woman, crossing her legs and facing her. "It was basically a replay of what he did to me." She paused to give Liv the chance to ask her to refrain from sharing the details of her most violent assault, but her eyes just bore into hers, holding tightly to her hand, and she nodded to grant her permission to continue. "I don't think I've told you, but he...he full on raped me. Like first degree rape—I thought I was going to die. Sometimes, I'm still surprised I didn't."

Olivia nodded, swallowing thickly. Again, she already knew, but hearing it was excruciating.

Sweet Alex—and she was only a baby.

"I'm so sorry, my love. I am so, so sorry," she repeated, her lip quivering. "You can keep going, Al," she said after her girlfriend hesitated to continue when she noticed the pain on Liv's face. "You need to get it out."

For the first time, Alex allowed herself to take the brunette's offer at face value, remembering that in the event she was uncomfortable, Olivia was responsible for communicating that. "And it wasn't just... It happened twice in the same attack. One was…." Like so many victims she'd interviewed, Alex couldn't bring herself to admit the clinical details. "It was two different…." She took Olivia's hands tightening around hers as permission to stop. "I was a small child. Tall because I'd hit puberty, but still pretty thin, and I lost a lot of weight afterwards because I didn't really eat much for months. My mom was proud of me for dieting. But really, every time I tried to put something in my mouth, I gagged."

It dawned on Olivia that this is what Alex was getting at when she'd asked Father D'Agostino if he'd had the boys get down on their knees during confession.

She wasn't talking about the case.

She was talking about herself.

This was the brutality inflicted on the purest, most ethical human being the detective had ever met. This was the story the two people who were supposed to keep her safe gaslighted, belittled, and ignored.

A new type of rage grew within Olivia Benson as she watched the love of her life continue struggling to describe how Pastor Paul had stolen her childhood and injured her body with a disgustingly cavalier attitude towards the crying child whose soul he was destroying, and suddenly, the brunette couldn't wait to meet the Cabots face to face.

A/N: Thanks for reading! We meet the Cabots in the next chapter. Would love to hear your predictions!