There's no killing my good mood today after Stephenie Meyer's Midnight Sun announcement, but I figure a bonus chapter can't hurt, either ;)
Waves of Hope
Chapter Eighteen
Bella
When I hear May welcoming 'her little guys,' I grin and give Rylee's little hand one last stroke before slipping my hand from the incubator and heading to the sink. Every step makes me wince, but so far, the painkillers are still keeping the worst of it at bay.
I've just finished washing my hands when the door opens, four of my favorite people stepping into the room. "Mornin', kiddos," I sing, kissing their heads with my smile before tipping my face up for a kiss from Edward. "Mornin', handsome." He obliges, of course, sliding his hand into my hair to prolong the sweet torture until the boys groan.
"You're gonna corrupt the sixers already," Jaxson grumbles, his grimace turning into a smile as he wanders over to the nearest incubator to find Oakley awake and fidgeting.
I lean into Edward's side and watch the boys gather around him, reminding them that only one of them can touch Oakley at a time. Too much stimulation will upset the babies, so we're careful to limit it while we're still learning how much or how little touch they can tolerate. It's hard learning the likes and dislikes of one baby, let alone six, so it'll take time.
"How did you sleep?" I murmur as the boys move from pod to pod, saying 'good morning' to each of the babies and spending a little time with them.
Edward breathes a soft sigh through his nose, gently squeezing me around the shoulders. Guiding me over to the faux-leather sofa on the opposite side of the room from the boys, he quietly explains the conversation he had with Arlo in the early hours of the morning.
My heart bleeds for my boy until Edward assures me that he spoke to all three boys this morning over breakfast and reiterated what he said to Arlo.
"I love those boys as much as I love the babies," he whispers, his thumb drawing circles on the back of my hand where it rests on his thigh. "It kills me that he's been worrying about this and didn't say anything until now."
"You know what he's like, though. He's a lot like you." I smile, nudging his shoulder with my head. "You both take a while to get your thoughts in order before you open up."
He chuckles, nodding. "I guess you're right."
"I am right," I tell him, loud enough that the boys look over.
"Mom's always right," Finely pipes up, flashing me a smile.
"You're my favorite kiddo," I tell him, blowing him a kiss as his brothers snort and call him a suck-up.
This, right here, is my new favorite anything.
The boys tease each other and take it in turns to stroke their siblings' hands and feet. Edward takes videos of them with the babies, snapping a few photos, too, to send to friends and family members. When the lactation consultant comes to introduce herself and let me know she's around if I need help when my milk comes in, the boys fall about laughing and earn themselves a stink-eye or two for asking if I'm going to feed the babies like a cow with udders.
"First you call the babies puppies, now you're calling me, your dear, loving mother, a cow?"
Jaxson purses his lips, Finley flushes crimson, and Arlo...well, Arlo just doesn't know when to quit, does he?
"I mean, it's kinda gross though, isn't it?" he says, his nose wrinkled with disgust.
"Kinda gross…" I huff, trying not to laugh. Edward doesn't even try. Instead, he slyly lifts his phone up to record Arlo's pearls of wisdom.
"It's just weird."
"Breastfeeding is weird?"
"Well, yeah. They should just drink regular milk out of bottles. That's less gross and we can help. Plus we don't have to see you with your shirt off."
Fighting a grin and the laughter I know will hurt my still-healing C-section wound, I hum and offer him an innocent shrug. "I suppose you don't want to hear that you were breastfed, then?"
It's everybody's but Arlo's turn to crack up when his dark eyes widen and he sputters out a horrified "No way!"
~ oOo ~
Settling into our new routine is hard.
When the babies are four days old, Dr. Biers signs me off and I'm discharged from the hospital. Even though we spend the rest of the day in the NICU with the babies while Mom and Everly show the boys around Tampa, it feels like we're being torn apart when darkness starts to fall and Mom texts to say they'll wait to have dinner with us. The boys have already eaten, but she and Everly haven't.
"I don't want to leave them," I sigh, Mackenzie's soft cheek under my finger, his eyes wide open and his tiny hand wrapped around one of the six plastic bracelets that grants me access to the NICU. Edward wears a matching set, and each baby has one of his—or her—own.
"I don't, either." Edward wraps his arms around me, resting his chin on top of my head. With his strong chest at my back, I can feel every hard thump of his heart as we gaze down at Mackenzie. Asher starts to fuss, squirming and scrunching his face up, and it isn't long before Mackenzie joins in.
"Ah, just in time," May laughs, pushing a little trolley into the room. I glance up at the clock, realizing it's already been two hours since the babies' last feed.
Over the last few days, she and the other NICU nurses have been showing us how we can get involved with caring for our babies, starting with letting us help when the babies need rearranging in their incubators or with diaper changes. I want to do more, but all I keep being told is that I'm doing more than enough.
Rather than feed all the babies formula, which would probably be the easier option, I want to try to breastfeed as much as I can, for as long as I can. The sixers are already at a disadvantage being so premature. If I can help with this one thing, I really want to. Right now and for the foreseeable future, I'm pumping every two hours to build up a good store of milk to split between the babies. When the time comes and we have to supplement with formula—it's a when, not an if, because there's no way one person can provide enough breast milk for six babies once they start getting much bigger—at least I'll have done my best.
Edward and I linger while the babies are fed through the nasogastric, or NG, tubes passed through their noses right into their stomachs. Once they're full, have fresh diapers, and are content, we hesitate before leaving, and I've never been the biggest believer in fate but these babies are making a believer out of me.
Those few minutes of hesitation are the difference between a good day and a great one.
May returns from putting away the feeding equipment, a big grin on her face. "Have we talked to you about kangaroo care?"
My heart starts to race as I flick a quick glance up at Edward before returning my attention to May. Hope is a cruel beast, one that punches me in the gut as May's smile widens. "Yes…"
"How do you feel about holding a baby before you go?"
"I...we'd...oh my God, can we?"
"You sure can. Mr. Oakley is the most chill and the most stable, so shall we try him?"
I can't agree quickly enough. Edward chuckles, his eyes misty as May directs me to the glider in the corner and another nurse comes in to help her move Oakley. He fusses and squeaks as he's lifted out of his warm pod, so I rush to unbutton the top buttons of my shirt and reach for Oakley with hands that tremble.
Offering me an understanding smile, May motions for me to sit back before gently placing Oakley on my chest, mindful of all the wires as she tugs the edges of my shirt around him.
"One hand under his booty, the other on his back...there we go."
Oakley's fussing instantly quiets. Holding my baby boy for the first time, skin to skin and heart to heart, I can't stop smiling. Tears burn my eyes as I look down at his tiny, content face. It's not fair that I can't see half of it because of the oxygen and feeding tubes. It's not fair that he's so, so small. It's not fair that I have to get permission to hold my son, or that the babies are going to have to fight so incredibly hard just to live.
But I have faith in them.
The quiet click of a camera shutter draws my attention up to a set of grass-green eyes identical to those of the baby on my chest.
"You've never looked more beautiful," Edward murmurs, turmoil adding a sheen over his eyes as he leans in to take a few close-up pictures of Oakley. I cry the whole time, of course, but my cheeks hurt from smiling, and the anxiety I've been feeling the last few days, the restlessness, is all but gone.
May playfully plucks the camera from his hands and waves at him to get closer for a couple of shots with all three of us. "One day soon, we'll cram all six of them on your lap for a photo," she promises cheerfully.
Pulling my lip between my teeth, I stroke Oakley's back and try to imagine myself with six babies in my arms. I can't see it right now, which scares me, but I know that's just because it's such an abstract concept, such an out-there picture.
"How does it feel, Momma?" Edward murmurs, perching on the edge of the chair as May excuses herself to see to an alarm beeping in the main area.
"Like...magic," I sigh, breathing Oakley in, cupping his small body in my hands, his heart beating against mine. His skin is soft, his sweet baby smell intoxicating. "I feel bad that I get to do this first—"
"Hey, hey. You've more than earned this, Bella. It's only right."
Peering up at his earnest expression, I can't help but be grateful to have such a great man by my side throughout this journey.
"I love you."
He grins, eyes crinkled in the corners, and leans down to kiss my head. "I love you, too." Pausing for just a second, he then leans down further and presses a kiss right on top of Oakley's hat-covered head. "And I love you, too, buddy."
~ oOo ~
"Oh, look at this one, Everly!"
I laugh softly, thanking Edward when he returns from the kitchenette with a glass of orange juice for me and a refilled wine glass for Everly.
"They're all super tiny but they look even smaller when you're holding them," my sister says, shaking her head in wonder as she and Mom flick through the photos on the camera. We finally dragged ourselves away after around half an hour of Oakley snuggles. The only reason I managed to pull myself away was May's promise that tomorrow, we can try again with Edward.
I can't wait to see him cradling our sweet boy.
Leaning over into Mom's side, I can't help but grin when she gets to the shot of my engagement ring around Oakley's wrist.
"Oh…" Mom breathes, a hand over her mouth and tears flooding her eyes.
"I know."
We've been preparing for this for weeks. We always knew our pregnancy would end with the NICU and six tiny babies. There was never any doubt that they'd be small and need lots of help, but I don't think any of us comprehended just how small they'd be, or how scary it would be when we realized that my engagement ring fits around our son's tiny hand.
"I've been meaning to ask you…" Everly begins, taking a sip of her rosé. "Have you guys thought any more about the nurseries?"
Looking over at Edward as he sits beside her, I bite my lip. "We have."
This is just another thing on a long list that we're not fully prepared for.
"We think we're going to have to sell the house and move," Edward finally admits, a mixture of reluctant acceptance and sorrow blanketing his features. "We're holding off on making a real decision but we're going to get the house valued and go from there."
Mom gives us both sympathetic smiles as she wraps her around around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze. "That's such a shame."
It is. Our house...it was always supposed to be Edward's forever home. Even before we officially moved in together and me and the boys were just staying with him while I recovered after the car accident, it felt like home to us, too. Very quickly, I could see myself growing old with Edward on the back porch, the boys begging for pool parties and, later, bringing our grandchildren over for sleepovers. It's a forever sort of house.
"It's just not suitable for us now, we don't think, not without a pretty major remodel. The boys were already starting to run out of space in their shared room, and that was fine when we still had the guest room and the study to convert into a bedroom. Now we'll need both of those for the babies, and honestly, I don't think they'll even be big enough."
Mom tilts her head side to side, considering. "You could probably squeeze three, maybe four cribs in the guest bedroom, but the office…"
Edward grimaces. "I think we'll get two in, maximum. And there'll be no storage in there because one of the cribs will have to go in front of the closet, or it'll block the door."
Even though we're not throwing the house on the market right now, I think we've both come to the realization that it's going to have to happen—if not right now, soon. With three boys rapidly approaching their teens and six babies, we're going to outgrow our three-bedroom house in no time.
"I think right now we're just going to focus on bringing these babies home, and then we'll evaluate the situation."
"I think that's a good route to take," Mom says brightly. "These babies are a blessing and no matter what, you're going to have a very different life to what you expected now you have them in your life."
~ oOo ~
The next day, Everly drives the boys back to Jackson Bay and Mom comes to the hospital with us to see her grandbabies. The boys will be back soon, but we're trying to keep them in a stablegood routine as much as possible, and regardless of the fact that we want them to be able to bond with the babies, they also need to have their downtime and a summer with their friends.
May greets us as we enter the NICU and confirms that all six babies did great overnight. They had a very brief blip with Rylee in the early hours of this morning, but she tells us it's nothing to worry ourselves over just yet.
"We expect bradycardia in preemies, especially preemies who need oxygen support. We upped the oxygen level a little and she's settled right back down."
I breathe a big sigh of relief, going straight to my daughter when we reach our babies' room. She looks calm and content, her eyes bright and wide open when I slip my hand into her incubator to stroke her soft cheek. "Be good for Momma, please," I whisper, watching her blink leisurely and gaze around. The room is kept relatively dim because the babies' eyes are still adjusting to all the stimulation and how bright the world actually is, but I can see the way she scrunches her nose when I adjust her hat.
Snorting, I look over at Edward and May running through the stats on the whiteboard behind Mackenzie and Asher, knowing they'll fill me in later.
When my eyes return to Rylee, she's drifting off to sleep, but not before she flashes a droopy-eyed look my way.
She has my gray eyes.
Out of all six babies, she and only one other have my eyes rather than Edward's grass-green.
Crossing the room, I head to my other gray-eyed baby, our little warrior.
"Morning, Caben," I sing quietly, smiling when he turns his head toward the sound and stretches his legs. He's doing so well and gaining weight like a champ—although not as quickly as some of his siblings.
All of the babies dropped a few ounces in the two days after their birth, which was to be expected, but they're on their way back to their birth weights now, thanks to a careful feeding schedule, which reminds me…
On the way to the glider in the corner, I pick up the bag containing the pumping kit that I put down beside Rylee and get to work. Sitting down is still uncomfortable thanks to my sore stomach, but day by day, it's getting easier to move around, and with the help of the lactation consultant we saw while we were here yesterday, I'm getting to grips with pumping, too. It doesn't come naturally yet, but I'm determined to make it work.
When May excuses herself, Edward joins me with a grin, leaning against the wall and positioning himself just right for the sun to turn his red-brown hair copper. "Another good night, apart from that little blip with Rylee."
I wince as the pump starts up, but breathe a sigh of relief as I pull out the neck of my shirt and see the first drops of milk falling into the bottles.
"They're doing really well, aren't they?" Looking around at the incubators holding our babies, I hold out a hand toward Edward and smile when he takes it without hesitation. "I can't believe they're almost a week old already."
Today is Monday and they were born last Wednesday. It seems crazy that they're already five days old.
"It's going by so fast," Edward murmurs, his gaze trailing around the room until a shrill squawk pulls both of our focus toward Rylee. He chuckles, letting go of me to go to our girl. "Hey, hey, what's all the fuss about, sis?"
Sis.
The boys have already nicknamed a bunch of the babies. Rylee is Sis for obvious reasons. I get a thrill out of hearing them call her that, and I know Edward does, too. Mackenzie is Mac, just like we expected, and Oakley is shortened to Oaks more often than not. So far, River, Caben, and Asher are the three whose names are sticking, but I'm sure that will change.
Listening to the low rumble of Edward's voice as he soothes Rylee, I recline in the glider and let the future swallow me up, or at least, what I think the future might look like.
I can see us mixing up names, prying dog toys out of the sixers' mouths, and yelling at the boys to be careful where they're splashing water because of the babies. I can see us slathering sunscreen on slippery toddlers and wrestling them to bed after too much fun. I can see us fretting over their first day at kindergarten, middle school, then high school. I don't want to think about the boys' first days of college, let alone the babies', but my mind fills with thoughts of crying my eyes out as they drive away from me.
"Christ, Bella, what's wrong?"
Sniffling, I realize I closed my eyes. They snap open, finding Edward crouching in front of me with worry clouding his green gaze.
"Hey, talk to me."
"I'm being silly," I sob-laugh, muttering an 'ouch' because it tugs at my sore stomach. "I was just thinking about what Mom said, about our life being so different to what we imagined, and I got to picturing what our life will be like when the sixers come home."
His worry melts away, replaced by a wistful sort of smile. "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we can expect a ton of sleepless nights, bickering between kids, and a whole lot of cuddles."
Tearfully, I giggle. "I think you're right. Teaching them to share is going to be horrible."
"With this many kids the same age? For sure." Edward snorts, shaking his head. "You know, I kind of get why GMA are so gung-ho about talking to us now. Our life is gonna be crazy."
He's probably right.
After the babies' arrival threw a spanner in the works as far as our appearance on GMA goes, they've remained in contact. We sent them photos of the babies and have promised to pre-record a little interview in a couple of days once we're all settled into our new routine; they're planning to televise it next week. We've also heard from Laurie Taylor again, and People want to run a follow-up article on the babies now they're here.
It's...so weird.
Everly is the social media nut in our family, so it didn't surprise me when she offered to temporarily take over posting for me while we're busy getting to know our new children. It did surprise me when she showed me that our follower count has gone through the roof. We now have a little over one hundred thousand people following the account I set up when we first found out we were having high-order multiples—The Jackson Bay Sixers. I have an account just for me and one for the boys, too. It probably sounds weird, but they're a way of keeping a visual diary, an online photo album that we can share with our friends and family.
And now, the world, it seems like.
Our life isn't ordinary and never will be. That's an odd thing to think about, but it's true.
"Do you know what? I'm not sad that our life isn't normal," I finally admit. Edward arches an eyebrow. "I'm not. I get to have you and our nine amazing kids. Yes, it's going to be crazy. Yes, we're probably going to lose our minds approximately a billion times. And yes, it's going to push us to the limit of everything, but…" emotion clogs my throat, but I still smile as he reaches up to caress my cheek. "I get to experience all of that with you. How could I ever be sad about that?"
Blowing a soft breath through his nose, Edward leans in until our foreheads are touching. We both laugh when his chest bumps the pump under my shirt, and it's us. "I want to marry you."
Warmth spreads through my body. "I want to marry you, too." Lifting my hand up to cup his cheek, I remind him, "I said 'yes,' remember?"
Gazing into my eyes from just an inch or two away, he nods just enough that I feel it. "Of course I remember. I couldn't forget the day you agreed to be my wife if I tried. It was one of the best days of my life."
This man.
"Mine, too," I whisper. "I can still see it like it was yesterday."
The fairy lights, the low hum of Christmas music across the lake, the boys beaming with anticipation because unlike me, they knew what was coming. He'd already asked their permission to marry me, and they'd given it. When they were driving me crazy by making us run late to get to the switching-on ceremony, that's what they were doing.
I just wish they could be his as much as they are mine. I wish Richard would quit being a dick and let Edward legally adopt the boys.
My chest aches as I remember the look on Edward's face when I got off the phone with Richard a little over a year ago. He didn't need me to tell him that Richard had basically laughed in my face.
.
.
"He said 'no,' didn't he? Fuck."
As tears rush to my eyes, I hurry across the room to wrap my arms around Edward. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry he's such an asshole."
Huffing a sigh that reeks of his frustration and sadness, Edward loops his arms around me. As he inhales a shuddery breath, I squeeze him hard, squishing my face against his chest.
"I hate him. I hate him so much."
"It doesn't matter," Edward finally murmurs. Looking up at him, I see the strength returning, I see his determination, his love. "It doesn't matter what a piece of paper says, short stuff. I know how I feel, I know how the boys feel. That's enough for me."
.
.
He was right then, and he's still right now. The boys don't care one bit about Richard, just like he doesn't care about them. He doesn't call, doesn't write, doesn't even send cards for their birthdays or Christmas. He dropped off the face of the earth as far as they're concerned. I don't see that changing. It's sad, but there's a bright light at the end of the tunnel, and it's Edward.
"I love you. I love that the boys have you now, that the babies will always have you. They'll never have to wonder if their dad loves them."
"Never," Edward says firmly.
~ oOo ~
The babies are a week old by the time their paternal family gets to meet them. With Jasper's work and Carlisle's relocation to Florida in the final stages, they can't get here any sooner.
On Wednesday morning, exactly a week after their sudden entry into the world, they get to meet their Pops, Uncle Jasper, and Aunt Alice. Siblings are the only children allowed to visit the NICU, so Jasper and Alice left Matty and Marcus with Alice's mom back in Utah.
For the first time, I see Carlisle's face damp with happy tears.
Sitting in the glider by the window, his salt and peppered blond hair shining gold in the sun sneaking through the gaps in the blinds, he cradles his newest grandson while Edward holds Mackenzie against his chest beside him.
Asher nuzzles into Carlisle's sparse chest hair, thumb in his mouth, green eyes half-lidded, his Pops' flannel shirt tucked around him.
Carlisle's eyes dance between Asher and Mackenzie, a soft chuckle reverberating through his chest as he shakes his head. "I still can't believe it."
Jasper snaps a photo of the four of them, then shifts to take close-ups. I grin, pulling my gaze away from them to gaze down at River and Oakley snoozing contentedly on me.
Today is the first time I've held two of the babies at once, and it feels amazing. It's also the first time the twins have been stable enough to have kangaroo care, so the mood in here has been celebratory all day.
Carefully tucking the blanket higher around River and Oakley, I look over at Caben's pod, then Rylee's. They're both struggling every time their oxygen support is lowered to see how they respond. River, Oakley, Mackenzie, and Asher are all receiving less oxygen now than they were when they were first born. They're steadily improving. Caben and Rylee are improving too, just...not as quickly as their siblings.
We haven't been able to hold them outside of their incubators yet, because every time they're moved, they have apnea and bradycardia episodes—their breathing slows, then their hearts beat too slowly in response.
After the first time we tried it with Caben and the alarms started blaring, I cried for an hour solid.
We're supposed to try again today and I'm terrified.
"He looks like you, old man," Jasper chuckles, crouching beside Carlisle and Asher to run his finger over Asher's head. We took his hat off for his bath an hour ago and it hasn't gone back on yet, so we can see the wispy strands of almost golden hair on top of his head; Mackenzie's is hidden under the little knit hat Jude brought with her yesterday. She brought one for each baby, each one 'their color' and bearing their initials.
River is blue, Oakley is green, Caben is yellow, Mackenzie and Asher are orange and red, and Rylee is purple. We were advised to pick a color for each of them and stick with it. I can already see how it'll make it easier as the babies get bigger and we have to start figuring out which things belong to each of them.
Carlisle puffs up with obvious pride. "That's not a bad thing, right, son?"
Asher squeaks, eliciting laughter from all of us. River peels open his eyes, looking up at me with what I imagine is supposed to be a stink-eye.
"Sorry for waking you up, little man," I whisper, smiling as he settles right back down after a few gentle strokes of my fingertip over his forehead and button nose.
For the moment, everything in his little world—and mine—is perfect.
So there we go, we can have baby snuggles now! These little ones are going to be off to college before we know it...wait...
As always, huge hugs to each and every one of you for sticking with me! I was honestly expecting more flouncers after 15 but I'm still seeing a lot of familiar 'faces' in the reviews. Y'all make my heart happy.
Massive thanks to annaharding and maplestyle for working their magic. You two rock!
Aaaand if you happen to live under a rock and missed the announcement I mentioned at the top...
We're getting Midnight Sun on August 4th 2020!