Where Are We Now
Chapter 16
The next two chapters are a little short so have posted both and then that will take us up to the first wedding
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Charles
He had a very restless night's sleep thinking about what they had started just outside her room how he thought they were putting things behind them. He thought he was proving to Molly he loved her taking it slow like she wanted, he had missed that closeness and got carried away with his feelings for her and now he was frightened he had scared her away.
"Thinking with my dick, what a fucking idiot"
She had called him Charlie though and he felt that flutter in his chest when she did it. He didn't mind when she called him that really, he loved the way she said it. It was something that only she did and he missed it every single day. She wasn't just his wife and lover but his best friend too. Before Elvis and his PTSD, they had talked about everything, anything, she made him laugh, made him mad as hell too but he missed that closeness to someone more than he ever imagined.
Morning finally came but he didn't feel rested at all. His eyes felt gritty and heavy from lack of sleep added to which he had a headache and needed to get up and find the paracetamol.
He was sitting on a kitchen stool drinking coffee when the rest of the family started emerging. His parents didn't look in a much better state than him. He had to smile as theirs was more alcohol induced than his.
Molly finally came down and gave him a tentative smile, from the look of her she hadn't had any more sleep than he had.
They were all a bit jaded this morning so breakfast was a rather quiet affair and Charles used it as an excuse to say that they needed to move soon as Molly was on guard duty later that day.
He collected their holdalls from the hall and put them in the car. Kissed his mother goodbye and promised to see her soon.
"Don't be a stranger Molly, write to us while you are away won't you" said Frances before giving her a hug and kiss goodbye. Molly nodded and hugged her back.
They set off in silence neither knowing what to say. He took sideways glances at Molly who had her hands in her lap and was looking down at them fiddling with her nails.
"I'm sorry Charlie" she started
"What for?"
"Leading you on …. Changing me mind … Not being able to get those images out me nut …. All of it" she gushed her need to explain how bad she felt. He looked across at her and saw one single tear fall from her chin and onto her hands which she quickly wiped away.
Charles sighed and pulled into the first layby he saw on the A36 if they were going to have this conversation now he didn't want to be driving. He wanted to be able to look at her, listen properly to what she wanted to say. He killed the engine and removed his seat belt and turned to face her.
"It wasn't your fault it was mine" he started and picked up her hand in his and held it in both his.
"If I'd listened to you after Nepal or even after Belize things could have been so different" he could feel a lump in his throat
"When you phoned me in Bangladesh putting an end to the marriage, I thought it was what I wanted, it would leave me free to look after Lane for Elvis without you trying to get me to stay at home" he looked across at Molly but she wasn't crying just looking at him with her sad green eyes and his heart broke again that he had made her this sad.
"After the explosion when I brought Lane back to barracks I sat in my room wondering what you were doing how I would feel if it had been you in the explosion and I knew I had made a mistake shutting you out after Elvis, you were probably the only one that could have brought me back"
He still watched her; he could see her chin wobble putting her hand to her eyes to wipe them.
"Except I wasn't ready to listen then. I was feeling sorry for myself, worthless, confused and isolated. I was barely functioning, hardly spoke with my parents and hadn't seen Sam in months"
"I know Charlie, I was there with you while you were doing it"
He nodded before continuing "When she came to my room …." Molly pulled her hand from him and turned to look out the window. He continued
"All I could think about was what a mess my life had turned into. What we had was special and I let it slip through my fingers." His voice cracked and he gave a small hiccup talking was becoming increasingly difficult for him
"When I held her asked if she was OK all I could see was you….." he hesitated again "and now all you can see is her…."I am so very sorry Molly and there is nothing I want more than you, and for you to forgive me"
It was like a dam had burst and Molly started sobbing
"When Elvis died we should have talked, it should have brought us even closer but it didn't did it. It broke us" she sobbed
Charles released her seatbelt pulled her across to him and held her tightly kissing the top of her head while she cried
"Its 'ard Charlie, I want to move on. I know technically we had split up but I just felt you moved on a bit quick. Made me feel worthless, you never loved me, maybe we never had nothing it was just good sex and you got tired of it."
"Never Molly. I'll always come back to you" he declared
"You and Elvis were my best friends. He died and I pushed you away, you know don't get emotionally involved. Thought it would be easier, better but it wasn't" he shrugged
"Do you want to re-think counselling? Do you think that might help; we could go together?"
"You and your bleedin' counselling"
"Well I can see how it helps now, never thought it would" he gives a hollow laugh "But I do feel better now"
"But what if it happens again, what if the PTSD comes back and you want her again" Molly looked up at him "You broke my heart Charlie I couldn't do it again and I'm not sure we will ever be the same as before"
Charles felt a moment of panic at her remark about them not being the same as before, did she have doubts and not really want them to get back together.
He put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to look at him
"I can't give you guarantees about the PSTD, but with Ted's help I know the signs and triggers and will be able to deal with it if there is a next time"
"I lost you over this Molly, I want you back and I promise that I won't allow myself to go back to that dark place again."
She nodded
"I ain't even gonna consider counselling with only a month to go before deployment to Afghan. Shit I don't want some smart arse mucking about with me nut making me worry about stuff" she snorted a rather unladylike laugh.
He shook his head but grinned at her, she really did have a peculiar outlook on counsellors. Mind you it's hardly surprising with her Nan as a person she has always looked up and listened to and the things he had heard Nan say about Dave.
"Come on I'd better get you back or you'll be late for guard duty"
"Thanks Charlie, for not being mad at me"
"I'll not be mad at you for something like that Molly, have to admit I was a tad disappointed" he said with a grin, which in turn earned him a punch on the arm
"I love you and I'll wait for however long it takes for you to forgive me"
He started the car and pulled out of the layby pleased they had talked some more.
"So, do you think we will have time to meet up during the week?" he said smiling and hopeful
"I think I can let you take me out for dinner, and not the bloody mess hall either"
He laughed and they were back to their friendly banter
"Spose I'll have to look for a dress this week for that wedding"
"You could wear the one you had on yesterday, I always liked that one"
Molly laughed "You having a giraffe" she shook her head "you can't wear black to a wedding. "You could come with me and we can go eat after"
"And how long would this shopping trip to look for a new dress last" He laughed "go round all the shops and then buy the first one you saw type of shopping trip"
"Oi I'm not that bad, but if you don't want to come I can see you another time"
Charles sighed; he really did hate shopping "I'll come". But he knew he would do anything if it was another occasion where he got to spend more time with Molly.