Chapter 21: Day three
Eventually, we grew too tired, and we quickly fell asleep. Through the walls, we could hear distant conversations from other squads, and occasionally we heard people walking by the door. The thrum of machinery from within the bowels of the ship, as well as the whirring of equipment above us, meant that it was never truly quiet, but I found the sounds…comforting, in an odd way. Silence would be far more off-putting.
I woke up in the early morning, or what passed for morning on board the ship. I glanced around the room and saw that no one else seemed to be awake. Dim light filtered in via the window in the door, bathing the room in a soft orange glow of the warm electric light. Dripping water came from the showers and the sound of fluids flowing through the pipes in the roof were the only sounds in the ambience of the shipboard morning.
I stifled a groan when I saw the digital clock said it was just past 6 in the morning. I contemplated trying to get more sleep, but I doubted I'd be able to fall asleep again. Rolling over, I softly stepped out of bed and began to organise my meagre possessions, just how Alexei had told us to. At least, I organised them as well as I could. He was a stickler for detail, that man.
That passed barely any time, and soon I was back on my bed, eyes shut, enjoying the peace and quiet. This was my third day. I had only been here two days. Two. Days.
Two days of gruelling exercise and strict regimented work. Two days of constant scrutiny and unending demands. Two days of suffering through harsh training, mediocre food, and horrendous beds. My sleep was suffering greatly. My body was not enjoying the laughable excuse for a mattress and the thin, floppy pillow. My body also wasn't enjoying all this training. I was bruised and sore all over and was constantly reminded of it whenever I moved around.
Trying not to sigh, I looked over at the door. It seemed cruel, in a way. Escape was right there. I could open the door and leave and go…where?
I was in the barracks on a ship in space above a planet I'd never even seen. Even if I could get to the hangar and even if I could get off the ship and even if I could get to the planet…then what?
Try to survive on a planet that by all accounts seemed far bleaker than this?
The people here were malnourished, impoverished, carving out an existence on a frozen hellhole of a feudal agri-world. It sounded like a horrible, crushing reality to live in, and so far, everyone here seemed to be dealing with this new life as though it were a step up from where they came from.
Would I really want to go to a place like that just to spare myself?
But then again, staying here…it was only a matter of time before I got killed in some viscous or horrible manner. No one plays nice in this universe. Its kill or be killed and kill until killed.
Closing my eyes, I forced myself not to think about trying to escape. I forced myself not to think about the looming spectre of death. I forced myself not to cry out. The here and now, that was what I had to focus on. Right here, right now.
If I kept my wits about me…if I were clever, I might make it. I might not die. But I knew it was wise not to hope. Hope was the first step on the road to disappointment. Hope was foolish, in a situation like this. I had to steel myself for the inevitable, and that was easier said than done.
I was stuck here, and I had to accept that. Nothing I could do about it now other then keep my head down and make my way through each day hoping I wouldn't attract anyone's attention.
There was some rustling of blankets as someone stirred, rolling over in their sleep, but I couldn't see who it was in the darkness. Closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing, I let the time pass by as I cleared my mind of thought and focused on nothing but the movement of my chest, the sound of the air as it came in and out of my body, the vibrations of machinery within the ship. There was some more rustling and creaking of beds as someone tossed and turned in their sleep restlessly. A muttered sigh from across the room, the sounds of someone sitting up and falling back down. I did not speak, nor open my eyes. I was still focusing on my breathing.
There was more sound, from next to me this time. Clauda stirred on her bed, rolling over. I could hear her moving. Her bed creaked every time she shifted right. Whenever she rolled over towards me, there was an audible groan from one of the headrest. Blankets shifted. Someone coughed, but no one spoke.
"Hey, you awake?" Someone whispered to me. I opened my eyes and looked around. Clauda was on her side, looking at me, blankets pulled up to her chin. Her hair was tussled and fell over her eyes, brunette locks covering her neck and shoulders.
"No, I'm asleep," I replied softly, so as not to disturb anyone else. Clauda rolled her eyes, only barely visible in the light.
"Can't sleep?" She asked. I shook my head.
"I keep waking up early. I don't know why," I replied. Clauda shrugged.
"There's no light here. It's weird. Without daybreak its hard to know when to get up," she said. I knew that, if these people were farmers, they'd be up at first light. I don't know how I was the first to wake up, when these people should be getting up at the crack of dawn. Perhaps their planet had weird day-night cycles, and their sleep schedule was all over the place? Or perhaps they were all way more exhausted then I was, and needed more sleep?
I kept forgetting that compared to them, I was in far better health. Even Prassus and Clauda, the fittest among us, probably weren't as healthy as I was, strong and durable as they were. Their diets were likely atrocious, and they probably lacked a good deal of proper medical treatment. Their lifestyles seemed almost medieval from what I had gathered. But I mustn't judge, they are my teammates. My friends, hopefully.
"There's a lot of weird things here," I replied. This whole place is weird. This whole situation is weird. Clauda nodded along.
"Like you. The mystery man, who shows up out of nowhere, and doesn't have a story to tell."
This again?
"There's a story, just not one I will tell," I said. "My old life is gone, and I can't go back. This is my life now."
"You don't want to talk about it at all?" Clauda asked, shuffling around under her blankets. We were keeping our voices as low as could be.
"It's not something I think I can tell anyone just yet," I murmured. Could I even tell anyone? Who would believe me? More to the point, how many people would just shoot me for the stuff I was telling them? Or imprison me for madness, or all sorts of nasty business?
"Not even us?" Clauda said, tilting her head. I shook my head.
"It's not something I want to tell people. It's not something I want to dwell on."
"Did they hurt you?" Clauda said, propping herself up on one arm.
"Who?" I asked. I had been hurt by quite a lot since getting here.
"The people who…the people you worked for. Did they hurt you?" Clauda said. I didn't need to know what kind of 'hurt' she was talking about.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Did you run away? Were you dropped at Tandoran? A rich kid who disappointed his father?"
"Why do you want to know?" I interrupted her. "Everyone else seems fine accepting me even if they don't know me."
"Because they think your one of us. A poor kid. Someone who struggled their whole life. Someone who had to fight for everything. They believe you had to fight the same problems they did. I don't. I just can't see it. You don't look like someone whose struggled. You know way too much to be as poor as you let everyone think you are. I think you're a rich kid, whose been Offered into the Imperial Guard. I think you look down on us. I think you're someone whose never struggled their entire life. Whose never starved. Whose never gone to sleep tired and hungry and freezing. Whose never had to bury their friends or family. Someone whose never fought for anything their whole life because they've never had to. A rich kid whose whole life has been fancy food and warm beds and easy work. I think you're soft. Too soft to make it."
Wow. That was…quite scathing, and some of it wasn't exactly inaccurate. Honestly, Clauda was spot on with some parts. I've never starved, or gone to sleep hungry. I've never had to fight for even the basic needs like these people have. I've always gone to bed warm and happy. I've never had to work like these people or bury anyone. I've not gone through a fraction of these people have on a daily basis. Compared to them, I probably was soft. But too soft to make it?
I didn't think so.
"I wasn't rich, Clauda. I've never been rich," I said, and that was partially true. Compared to them, I lived a life of luxury. A comfortable middle-class life was probably beyond their understanding. But rich? There was a big difference between my life and the life of the rich. I didn't work as hard as I could, but I wasn't handed everything in my life. Was I a little spoilt?
Yes, I probably was. But did I also have to work to achieve what I had?
Yes, I did.
Of course, that was nothing compared to these people. Nothing compared to what they struggled with. But was I the sort of person to roll over and give in when things got too hard?
No, I was not. I fought on, whether I liked it or not. If I was going to do something, I'd do it well. I'd do it as best I could. I didn't just give up when things got hard.
"My life was different to yours. Different to everyone here," I found myself saying, speaking my thoughts before I could stop myself. I could make out Clauda's face in the light, half in the shadows, brown eyes regarding me levelly.
"I…lived through different experiences to you. I had different struggles. Different fights. They're not the same, and you can make of that all you want, but I'm not going to give in. I don't give up just because things are hard. You've seen me, Clauda. You've seen what I can do. I might not be the best but I'm certainly not the worst and I'm definitely not the weakest."
"Yet you look down on us," she said quietly. "You do. I can see it. You don't speak because you think we're beneath you."
"You're the one judging me," I pointed out. "I don't look down on you. I just don't know you."
"Why should I let you know me?"
"You have no choice. Sergeant Alexei wants us to get along, no, he wants us to be machines," I said slowly. "We have to work together."
"Working together does not mean getting along."
"It certainly makes it easier," I said.
"So why should I get to know you?" Clauda said. "What do you have to offer?"
"I mean, I am pretty awesome," I smiled. Clauda did not.
"I won't let you down," I said. "I won't give up. I'm in it to the end."
Probably not the best words to say in the Imperial Guard, but it seemed appropriate at the time.
"I'll hold you to that," Clauda muttered, brushing aside her hair. The darkness made her brown hair seem almost black.
"Can I count on you to do the same? Only seems fair," I asked. Clauda stared at me with an unreadable expression.
"I'm not going to be the one who gives up," she said firmly. "I won't."
"Who do you think will?" I asked. I had some people in mind, but I wanted to see who Clauda chose.
"Desmond. Who else?" Clauda said quietly. Yes, I hadn't forgotten about him. If he ever came back…he'd mess everything up, no doubt. He'd be an unpleasant addition to our squad, even if he would bring it up to full strength.
"It won't be fun when he comes back," I agreed.
Clauda sighed, adjusting herself. The blanket fell to her hips and I turned away, red in the face. Even in the dark, I could see more of her then I felt was appropriate. It didn't help that she was the most well proportioned in the group either.
"You're quite shy, you know that, right?" Clauda said. I got the sense she was smiling.
"I just don't think its polite to see someone naked," I said, staring up at the roof. "It's rude, and kinda messed up to stare."
"So, don't stare," Clauda said.
"I don't want to you to think I am," I said, fumbling over my words. "I mean, when I'm speaking, I don't want to seem like I'm…you know?"
"What, looking at my chest?" Clauda said. "Don't worry, out of everyone here, you're staring the least. Except for Prassus."
Come to think of it, he doesn't seem to stare at anyone. He always seemed so…focused.
"I still don't want to be rude," I insisted. "It's…hard to avoid."
"I know, we're all people here, we all want to see what's going on with the bits we don't usually see," Clauda said. I risked a glance, and saw she was smiling.
"Human nature," I managed, looking away just as quickly. Clauda stretched and rolled onto her back.
"Don't worry. No one's going to judge when everyone's doing it. We'll get used to it, sooner or later," Clauda said.
"Hopefully sooner rather than later," I added. "Its just another weird thing to deal with."
Authors Notes:
I'm pleased to see how much everyone is enjoying the story so far!
What started as a simple spur of the moment side project has quickly blossomed into something much bigger and more entertaining. I've got plenty of material planned out, and plenty written ahead of time, so don't worry about running out of content.
However, if I continue at this rate of 3 chapters a day, then I'll quickly exhaust my written material. Therefore, as of tomorrow, I will be changing the uploads to 3 chapters per week. That way, I won't feel the pressure to maintain a backup of chapters when I'm solidly ahead of what I'm publishing. Hopefully, this isn't too upsetting for you, but take comfort in knowing I've still got plenty of content to put out.
If I ever get far enough ahead, I might return to the 3 chapters a day schedule, but for now, I'll be dialling it back. This will allow me take my time and work on slowly ramping up the intensity as time goes on, because right now, we're just getting started.
And when we get into the really exciting stuff, you'll be happy for the build-up. Trust me.