The air hung heavy in the room. Shepard's friends stood around the war room table staring at the map, red with overrun star systems. It wasn't long now. They all knew their lives were measured in hours not weeks now. The reapers had destroyed everyone's home, taken the lives of people they loved, and condemned an entire galaxy to genocide. But the reapers wouldn't win. Couldn't win. So that's what Shepard told them. It didn't fill the hollowness in anyone's eyes.
"Dismissed," she said at last.
Each person filing out the door was a person she would die to save. Hopefully, she got the chance to save them all and the galaxy with them. Shepard hunched over the war room map. She'd had a fulfilling life. The last few years, months, had made all the decades before it worth living. If it meant to end, then so be it.
Shepard glanced up at the door, but it was empty. Kaidan had left with everyone else. Her pointed eye contact with him when she said dismissed must have carried her message loud and clear. The time was coming she'd say it for the last time, and he'd better listen like all the rest. For now, she just wanted to stare at the map and think, forget about the empty expressions and long silence.
XXX
He was waiting outside her cabin. Shepard stepped out of the elevator with a sigh. She'd been trying to avoid this. It was inevitable he'd bring it up again - those words in the med bay, while she recovered from Leviathan. If he never brought it up again, or rather, never had the chance, maybe the situation would never happen. Having him reiterate it to her would only cement his resolve. Next time she made pointed eye contact and said 'leave,' he wouldn't.
"You've been waiting for me?"
He crossed the distance between them in two long strides, grabbed her by the face, and kissed her. It was almost rough. Kaidan was never rough. They stumbled through the cabin door, Kaidan already unbuttoning her shirt.
"You okay?" Shepard pulled her face back.
He nodded, mumbled something, and kissed her mouth. It was hungry and explosive. He always took his time, tested her patience, stirred the fire until she wanted to turn him in for arson. This time, he drove her to the breaking point. She couldn't catch her breath. They were both left jittery, panting, and sweaty.
He rested on his elbows and kissed her - slow, deep, gentle, his fingers tangled in her hair. Shepard's heart wound down into a slow thud. Sweat dried on their skin. Still, he kissed her. He kissed her until her lips were swollen and her arms tired circling his neck. Their faces were starting to stick together. Wet. Shepard's chest tightened. He must have sensed the stiffening return in her kiss. He pressed their foreheads together, stared into her eyes a moment, then rolled onto his side.
"What's going on, Kaidan?"
"I … I don't know. I just wanted to be with you."
Shepard rolled onto her side and faced him. "What? You don't think we'll win?"
"We'll win." He caressed his fingers down the side of her face. "Everyone together, we'll win."
"Then what's this?" Shepard touched the wetness on his cheek.
"Sometimes a win comes at a cost."
"Ah." Shepard pursed her lips. "Don't think about that. Why worry over something that hasn't happened?"
"All right."
Nothing changed in his expression. His eyes still gazed back at her weak and wet. His mouth was set in a hard line, the sheen of tears on his upper lip.
"Think about the Pacific." Shepard scooted closer and bunched the pillow under her head. "When this is over, you said you wanted to live on the Pacific and walk in the surf. Think about that waiting on the other side."
"That was never the part that mattered." Kaidan gripped her waist. "It was sharing it with you."
"I'll be there," Shepard said quickly and gave a tight smile.
"We'll be together" was all he said back.
His smile was just as tight. It felt like a shadow had fallen between them. Then he said what she'd been dreading.
"You're not going to be alone this time."
"Kaidan …"
"I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living without you. I don't want to stand in the surf alone."
Shepard licked her lips, heart pounding. "Kaidan, when I was dying above Alchera, do you know what gave me peace?" He looked away, face already scrunching like he knew what she would say. She turned his face back to her. "It was knowing you weren't with me. You were safe. Alive. That's what gave me rest. Do you really think spinning into space beside me would have made it easier? Hell, Kaidan. It would have made it worse. Ten times worse. A million. I would have been in agony knowing you were there. Don't say you want that for me."
A tear crept down his cheek. He opened his mouth but his voice caught. He set his jaw and said nothing instead.
Shepard touched his cheek. "I'd rather be thinking of you standing in that surf alone, knowing you'll go on and remember me. Not throwing yourself into the flames to mingle our ashes. Do you think that will matter in the moment? If you really want to keep me alive, then stay alive yourself. Think of me but move on. That will be enough. That would be my dying wish." She sat up on an elbow and tried to smile. "You're not going to deny someone her dying wish, right?"
"What about my dying wish?"
"You're not dying."
"Then neither are you," he said, jaw jutting and eyes brightening with a challenge.
"Then, there we go. We both come out together, alive." She settled back on the pillow. "We'll be a little scorched. Won't be able to get the smoke smell out of our hair for a few years. We'll be alive and together. Right?"
But Kaidan didn't say anything. He brushed hair back from her face with that look still in his eye. "I give you your way a lot of the time, but not this time. I'm sorry."
Shepard's face tightened, but she smoothed out the frown.
"They'll be no need," she said in a bright voice. "We'll stand in the Pacific surf just like you imagined.
XXX
Kaidan stepped in next to Shepard. Earth glowed in the observation deck's window. It wasn't a pleasant glow like a star or comet, it was the glow of an inferno and billions of deaths. The loss of humanity's cradle, maybe humanity. They were too far to hear the screams. The shadow of a thousand reapers moved over the surface.
"Birthplace of humanity," Shepard said.
They were finally here. The moment they'd strained to reach. Twenty-four hours from now, it would be decided. It would either be the most important victory in their history or a pitiful, desperate last attempt in the reaper's history. Shepard had given them a fighting chance, and they'd see it through.
Kaidan took her hand and interlocked their fingers. "Fleet's almost through the relay. Hackett's coming aboard."
Shepard nodded, silent, eyes fixed on the turning globe in the distance.
"Did you like it there?" Kaidan asked. "Earth. Vancouver."
"For six months? Saw four walls more than anything else." She shifted her weight then squeezed his fingers. "Yeah, I liked it."
Kaidan gave her a one-sided smile and squeezed her hand back. He didn't need to say it. They both knew – I wish I could have shown it to you. But, there wasn't any time left for regrets and wishes. There was only forward now.
"I better get up there," Shepard said and dropped his hand.
"Shepard." Kaidan turned. "It's your moment, but you know you're not alone, right? Not just me. We're all here. We've got your back."
Shepard gave a tight smile. "Yeah." She paused and their eyes locked. Her lips parted as if about to say something, but then her jaw snapped shut. "See you up top, Major."
She turned and walked out the door. Kaidan's eyes shifted back to the window. Metal bodies flashed in the cloud hanging over Earth. The Citadel gleamed brightest of all. The Crucible was coming. It was probably through the relay already.
Kaidan straightened and drew in a deep breath. It was the end of everything or a new beginning. He was going to make sure it was the new beginning. Maybe not for himself, maybe not for Shepard or anyone here, but for humanity. For the asari, the turians, the krogan, hanar, elcor, volus, and vorcha. For Life. He didn't mind dying for Life.
XXX
The Citadel exploded over and over again on the screen. Kaidan put a hand over his mouth. Everyone stood around the CIC terminal dazed from the crash. Light flickered over their faces as they watched the recording from the external camera replay over and over again.
It was silent except for their breathing and the bird cries echoing down the gangway. The airlock door was forced open. Sunlight burned away Kaidan's view of the cockpit. This was a garden world. Kaidan had already looked around, kicked a few rocks, breathed the humidity, and ran his fingers through the leaves.
Now, though, all he could see was the Crucible bursting apart in a bloom of red energy. The wave of energy expanded out. Reapers curled like spiders writhing in a flame. Then the Normandy jumped. The cameras caught only light. The Crucible exploded in the final frames. The Alliance soldiers huddled around the screen probably focused on the reapers frozen and drifting in the final seconds. Kaidan could only see the explosion.
"Did you hear the audio? Admiral Hackett with the Crucible?" Garrus stood beside Kaidan.
Kaidan nodded but didn't trust his voice. If it wasn't enough the Crucible's flames overlayed every direction he looked, he could hear her voice over any silence.
I don't see—I'm not sure how to ...
Then silence. Only Hackett's voice. Commander? Commander?
She'd made it. Made it through the beam to the Crucible. She had been on the Citadel, ignited the Crucible, and saved them all. There wasn't confirmation. There weren't any reapers over this world to see them fall from the sky. But they knew it was over. From the external cameras, before the jump, the surge had killed the reapers over Earth. The energy had come through the relay. It must have spread through the galaxy. They'd won. Kaidan swallowed against the dry lump swelling in his throat.
He was in command now. He needed to delegate orders, make a plan, attempt repairs. They needed fresh water and food. They needed to figure out where the hell they had even crashed. In this moment, though, with the explosion replaying and hearing her voice cut away with that gasp, it felt like it wasn't worth it. Around him were tentative smiles, loosening breath, and whispered words of wonder and awe. They'd won, but Kaidan didn't feel like a winner. He had never wanted to be on Alchera again. This was jungle instead of ice and stone, but it was the same.
"Major, should we try radio signals? The planet could be inhabited," Traynor asked.
Kaidan nodded. He pulled his eyes from the screen and turned. "We need to inventory our supplies, ration, see what we can gather from the planet while we're here. Bensen, Hoffman, Joshi – scout out a circumference of 100 meters. Traynor, check radio frequencies. Tellers, inventory the mess with Sayid. Anyone already checked with Dr. Chakwas about triaging the injured?"
The intra-ship comms were down. The frozen elevator was going to make everything harder. James rambled out of the war room. He must have come up the maintenance ladder. It was their gateway to the crew deck until the elevator was fixed.
"Dr. Chakwas pulled in some help," James said, his arm in a sling. He raised a palm when one of the corporals came toward him. "Yeah. I'm good. They got concussions and broken stuff down there. This is nothing."
They would need to ration medigel. The thought stung Kaidan. How much medigel had he used a few hours ago while floating in and out of consciousness in med bay? If he concentrated on it, he could still feel the ache in his bones, sharpness in his ribs, the throbbing in his head. It was the least of his worries. It almost felt good to feel bad. Feel bad when Shepard wasn't even …
"All right," Kaidan said. "I want Adams and the other engineers in the war room in an hour. If anyone has something significant to contribute to restoring the ship, show up. Two hours I want senior officers in there. We'll make a short-term plan about provisions, communication, and orient ourselves. Everyone else without a job see Lieutenant Vega."
"What?" James said.
Kaidan leaned into him as he passed. "Delegated delegating. Just gave you a job."
"Uh …"
A line formed in front of James. He gave a wary smile and called for old fashion paper and pen. Kaidan continued toward the sunlight. Dust drifted in the white ray illuminating the cockpit. EDI's body slouched in the copilot's chair, head bowed, and the navigation console flashing in front of her. Kaidan continued out the airlock door.
The humidity washed over him. Around him spread a rainforest with vibrant greens, a scent of exotic blooms, and the taste of wet earth in each breath. Blue skies spread overhead and wildlife chirped in the canopy, beautiful if not for the static of a growing distance numbing his every sense.
"Hey, Joker." Kaidan dropped down on his heels beside to him.
Joker shot Kaidan a sharp look, adjusted his baseball cap, and looked back to the horizon.
"I'm sorry," Kaidan said.
"Yeah, well. Me too." Joker threw a stone down the ravine in front of them. He turned another stone in his fingers and flung it too.
"You hurt?" Kaidan asked.
"Uh, I got this disease called Vrolik syndrome. So, no, Kaidan, you're in a crashing ship with Vrolik syndrome, doesn't exactly feel like the carnival."
"I suppose you won't accept help getting down to the crew deck to see Dr. Chakwas."
"I'm fine." Joker flung another stone skipping over the boulders below. "Just like to be alone right now."
"Yeah. All right." Kaidan stood.
Kaidan found the other person he was looking for. A slender silhouette stood at the edge of a rocky drop. Her back was rigid, arms crossed, staring out over the dark canopy below.
"Hello, Kaidan," Liara whispered, keeping her eyes forward.
She blinked rapidly, jaw tight and jutted forward. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. Air balled in his throat even considering what the right words might be. Instead he crossed his arms and stared out over the layers of leaves and twisting tree trunks.
"She could be alive," Kaidan said.
"For how much longer?" Liara bowed her head and drew in a sharp breath. "They won't be looking for her."
"We don't know that," Kaidan said mildly, but the heaviness in his chest smothered out more assurance. It was true, people could be looking for her. If the chaos and destruction was as bad as it seemed though … There were priorities.
"I suppose you're right," Liara murmured.
Kaidan put a hand on her back. She looked up at him, eyes reflective and dewy, and gave a weak smile.
"She did it," Liara said.
"Yeah, she did." Kaidan's voice broke. He looked away sharply into the dying sunlight and drew in a deep breath.
Liara leaned into him. "I loved her."
"So do I," Kaidan said. He stretched his arm around her shoulder. "She surprised us before. This will be just one more time."
Liara bit her lip and nodded. "Yes, I hope so."
Kaidan smiled into the sunset. He'd learned not to underestimate Shepard. He wouldn't let go until he knew for sure. They would find out where they'd crashed, repair the ship, and navigate home. Shepard would be right there waiting for them.
"She did it," Kaidan whispered again and smiled.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Author Note: Thank you, everyone, for reading along. For various reasons I don't intend to post on FFN much in the future. If you're still interested in following my stories, I'll be posting on Archive of Our Own (LJAndersen : /users/LJANdersen ). I also have a Tumblr for those who are interested (LJAndersen : ). Thanks again!