Chapter 5: Inter Spem et Metum

Tom waited a minute. Two. Four minutes while looking up at Albus Dumbledore as he waited for the man to respond. To ask a curious question. To be what Tom had come to rely on as a source of intellectual rebuttal and an emotional safe-space, even if the conversation resulted in fair judgement. But Albus made him wait. When Albus finally looked down, Tom saw that the man's tears were beginning to dry and Tom thought for a moment that maybe he didn't want Tom to see the vulnerability. But before Tom could maintain his curiosity, Albus asked, "Is this the nightmare you declined to speak of whilst you were in the Hospital Wing, Tom? And may we sit back down. I am afraid this mirror may hurt me more than it does you, not to diminish your pain or want for family."

Tom obliged and joined Albus back at their chairs and as he sat down, Tom began, "A couple days before my duel with Tarquin, I saw a vision of an older version of myself. Maybe 4 or 5 years older than I am now. I was taller. My hair was slicked with something that felt gross in my hands. Whatever. I… I saw this older me… I saw him go to my father's house and kill both him and his father. It was like I was watching it all happen inside his body. I felt the touch of his wand… It wasn't my wand though. I have a wand made of Willow; this one was shorter and when I… When this version of me cast the spells, it felt different. It didn't feel like it came from a phoenix feather like mine does. I don't know how to describe it but that doesn't matter.

"What I saw was this version of me use that mind control spell you used when you came to pick me up from Wool's the first time. I made a man with a limp… I think he was a gardener or something… I made him go back home while I entered the house. I confronted my father… he and I look a lot alike and I think he saw the similarities between this version of me and himself as well because he was uncomfortable the whole time. When the me in the dream was done asking them questions about my mom, he killed them. They kept insulting her… calling her names because she lived in a hut or something. He… I killed them.

"And then… As I was walking out of their house, I stopped in front of a mirror and saw my own face… The older face… And as this 'me' was fixing his hair in the mirror, I saw something that… It made it all worse. I don't know why. It was worse than what I was forced to feel when I saw that couple die and the green light. I saw a red glint… Like a flash of red… In my own eyes. I've never seen that before and it… When I woke up, I was screaming and checked my own eyes. They weren't red at all… But I can still remember seeing that glint… That horrible red… And now I can't look in the mirror. I don't want to feel that way ever again, Albus."

Albus Dumbledore sat in front of Tom silently throughout Tom's retelling of his nightmare and didn't move. Not even to scratch his beard. When Tom finished, Albus sat there, looking at Tom just over his spectacles, and didn't smile as he said, "You saw yourself kill your father and grandfather, in this dream. Describe this feeling more. Did your reaction feel like it was natural to you or did it feel like it came from another source? The emotions? How it affected your body?"

Tom squirmed in his chair a little as he painfully tried to remember the exact nature of the feelings. How foreign they felt. Why did they feel like they weren't his own? He looked up to Albus and said, "They didn't feel like they were my own. Seeing them die in front of me didn't affect me at all, Albus. I don't feel the fear, the agony, until I have either seen the green light itself or now that red glint in that version's eyes. What's going on Albus? Am I… Is it natural for me to feel like these feelings aren't my own? Should they have been my own?"

Now Albus began to stroke his beard as he stood up and began to slowly pace in a circle. Shaking his head or nodding as he went, Tom wondered just what was going through the professor's mind until Albus finally answered, "I have many theories. Some of which you are too young to understand and some I don't know if I am the right person to tell you. You emphasized that this feeling of agony and fear felt foreign. Would you say that it was implanted, as if part of the dream was to make your body react in this way? Like it was part of its intent?"

Tom sunk in his chair a little before answering, "I… I'm not sure… I just know that I don't think I would have reacted that way. I've do… I've seen things die before and they didn't… They didn't affect me like that. When…"

Albus cut him off, "Tom, I am going to ask you a very hard question. A question I don't think you are ready to answer but must be asked if we are to move forward. Did you heal Mr. D'auferio out of seeing that glint in your eye, and not for the sake of his death?"

Confusion struck Tom as he looked up and saw Albus at his most serious since he first questioned him about the duel. He could feel the intensity of Albus's eyes piercing him. But he couldn't look away. He never could. And he knew he had to answer honestly, or this would never end. Tom took a deep breath and said, "Yes. I did. I… I never want to feel that way again, Albus. I was afraid that if I let him die, if I let him fall… If I use that spell… He would die… And I would forever see that glint in my eyes. I am more afraid that seeing that red would stop affecting me. Because I don't want to kill people like the me in my nightmares. The anger he felt… I felt it in my entire body like it was my own. It pulsed like a second heartbeat through my veins, Albus. I never, ever, want to feel that again."

Albus looked at Tom for a long, too long, moment. His electric blue eyes stayed locked on Tom's, as if searching for himself to find the red glint. To find the evil buried within Tom. But as Albus sat back down in his too-small chair, he gave Tom a small grin, he said, "I see I was correct to make you fear me from the start, Tom. I did not know if it was the right course. I still don't. I don't believe fear is as useful a tool in changing a person as love. But I think you fear the act of lying to me and while I don't want you to be afraid of me, I like that you have maintained honesty. At least with me. Your smile has fooled even Headmaster Dippet, who is no fool. What I mean to say, is that I do not want you to be afraid of me. I only want you to treat me as though I were your equal. Not in power, for, being modest, I far outstrip you in every way. But in humanity.

"I asked you this simple, yet admittedly difficult question because I want to finalize my theory that you are not gaining prophetic abilities. You are not a seer. I have known only 3 in my lifetime and none of them have the detail, nor emotional connection, to their prophecies. It is rare, almost unique, what you are experiencing, Tom. It is even a mystery to me how what I think is happening to you works. But to know more, I will need you to trust me. Not today. Not tomorrow. But at some point in the coming months, before you have another… episode… shall we call them… I will ask you to put your full trust in me. Until that point, I believe it best to keep you in the dark. Allowing your mind to know what I have planned may tarnish our chances of solving this for good."

As Albus stood, stretching and cracking in his way up, he looked down at his open pocket watch and said, "I am afraid I don't have more time today to discuss this matter further with you, Tom. One day, I hope our discussions do not have to revolve around this topic and we will be able to truly enjoy each other's company. It will not be soon, but that is alright. I believe the owl post is being distributed in the great hall soon and I have urgent matters with the ministry to attend soon. I will see you at the announcement for the second challenge. Sleep well. Should you have another nightmare, contact me immediately."

Without another word, or time for Tom to say one, Albus turned and left Tom alone in front of the Mirror of Erised. Tom sat in the red and gold throne for a few minutes before going back to the front of the mirror and taking one last look at his mother and father. The mirror did indeed have a powerful effect on him. One of both sadness and warmth for his heart and body. After two loops of the image in the mirror, Tom left the Room of Requirement and made his way down to the Great Hall to eat lunch.

When he finally got there, there were only a couple students from other groups left, eating by themselves in opposite corners of the hall. As he sat down and asked for a small soup and sandwich, which promptly appeared in front of him, Professor Picard came and sat next to him and said as she held a small letter out to him, "Zis came for you in ze post, Monsieur Riddle. Tell whoever owns zat bird to feed it more. Zis journey was not kind." Tom watched, perplexed as she set the letter down on the table, took a small piece of the bread of his sandwich, dipped it in his Scotch Broth soup, and ate it before leaving without another word. No one had ever taken food from him before but as he couldn't feel malice in the professor's intent, he let the moment go as he looked at the letter. Before flipping it over, Tom looked for a long time at the purple and silver wax seal on the back of the envelope.

Encased in an oval of corded rope and resting atop what Tom assumed to be to be illustration of a gemstone, was a set of concentric triangles, wherein the outer triangle formed the inner through the use of thicker lines. It reminded Tom of images he saw of royal jewelry and how intricate they were. When he turned the envelope over, he saw that it was addressed to him from Piper Nobel, the one person he had been waiting all summer to talk to. Tom easily separated the wax from the paper and pulled out the letter to read it.

Dear Tom Riddle,

I hope your summer at Hogwarts is going well. I am quite jealous it was invitation only, and you of all people were chosen. Who better to keep everyone entertained than a metamorphmagus as skilled and devoted to their craft than me? That's a bad joke, I'm sure Dumbledore had something in mind to keep you there instead of sending you back to an orphanage. I would offer to bring you home with me but, seeing as my family's being here is sort of a secret, my family can't risk it. You wouldn't even be able to see the house unless my mother allowed you in. The only other person who knows we live here is Tarquin, and that's because people don't know he lives here either. It's kind of how we bonded as kids. If you tell anyone, someone from the ministry would probably Obliviate you. And I wish I was joking.

He hasn't spoken to me much, which I know you were wondering. I'm not trying to guilt you, but I think he might still be on his way 'back' . When we do talk, he has these long pauses where he forgets what was going on. I pressed him on it once after a family dinner and all he said before shaking my hand away from his shoulder was, "The veil looks so beautiful." Whatever that means. Our families have dinner once a week, mostly because my mother cannot cook to save her life and his mother is a cook at a restaurant in our village. She does too much, that woman.

Most of my summer has just been practicing my impressions of various people. I think I have Professor Dumbledore and Professor Dippet down now. It was all in the voice. Their beards were easy, once I could properly make them go back into my chin when I was done. I missed a patch last week and I will never look at lamb stew the same way again. Aside from that, I've taken to reading muggle fiction. It seems odd how natural magic has come to my family, since my mother was the first in our family's ENTIRE ancestry to show any aptitude, but reading muggle fantasy novels about magic has begun to make me wonder just how close to the mark they are. Granted, a lot of the mythology they use as reference is based on our kind not being careful enough or from a time before the Statute of Secrecy, but still, it's truly amazing. I wonder how close the Ministry watches and reads Muggle fiction to see if they need to tighten regulations about magic in public? Since you're new to the magical world, what do you think about the Statute?

I hope you are also at least making one friend while I'm gone. I hope not to offend, but it was somewhat exhausting being your only source of friendship in our first year. You will by no means lose me, but I want to expand my circle a bit. A few of the Aurors that came to school for that career… Thing… Dippet and Dumbledore set up told me it would be wise to start gathering friends now because of the situation in mainland Europe. Apparently they might fast-track auror training if it makes it to England.

I look forward to your first letter. I am definitely not offended that your first was to an older woman. Even if she isn't into you.

Don't get expelled while I'm gone,

Piper Nobel

Tom re-read the letter a couple times and while the effect wasn't as harsh as the last time she mentioned their friendship, Tom couldn't help but wonder just how much they would pull back from him this year. Had they still not forgiven him? Even if he did have more friends right now, he didn't think they would stay that way once the school year began. Oswald wouldn't be dumb enough to be seen with Tom after the latter's duel with Tarquin. Isobel was graduating in a year and NEWT exams, or so Tom had heard, are grueling. The only one Tom might stay friends with in the coming term was Blink. But Blink would have Quidditch and his own personal experiments. Would he be alone again, like the beginning of last school year? The thought didn't affect Tom either way but he did know he enjoyed himself far more when he had Piper or Blink around.

Tom immediately took out a quill and wrote back a response.

Dear Piper Nobel,

My summer has been nothing but interesting. It turns out that every student that was chosen to stay is an orphan or otherwise guardianless student. There are a couple of people who have parents but they are always travelling for work. I think one of them has a parent that works in the Department of Mysteries, but I'm not sure.. I know you don't like talking about him, but I would like to hear more about your family and your grandfather when you come back from term. In return, I'll tell you what I now know about mine.

I have more I want to tell you about what has happened but I don't think this letter would make it out of the castle if I did. But I will say this: I found a different version of the Room of Requirement. You read that right; our hideout has different versions of itself, Which makes me all the more interested in the magic of this place.

Dumbledore set up a series of competitions for groups of 4 of us to compete at to get to know each other. We weren't close before but after I dueled one of them, no I didn't kill him, and then helped save another after he broke his arm badly while practicing Quidditch in the dark like an idiot, we became close. They aren't like you, but both of them are surprisingly competent. Blinky is a genius when it comes to understanding how ingredients work in Potions and Oswald, the Gryffindor boy I dueled but didn't kill isn't a slouch himself. The last member, Isobel, is a NEWT student and she might be the smartest person in the school. I wish she were in our year. She'd make a great rival for me since Tula and I aren't in any classes together and you already know how good I think you are.

Tom looked down at his quill for a long time as he tried to continue the letter. What should he say about what they said about their friendship? Their excuse about the aurors felt like just that. Piper would notice it if he didn't address it, so he continued.

I haven't read much on the Statute, but I think keeping magic hidden from muggles might be safer, for now. I've seen how muggles use their power to hurt and keep people down and it would only get worse if they were able to use magic to do even more damage. They already have firearms and bombs. They don't need us too. There isn't a way for our worlds to coexist without one ruling over the other.

Albus told me something recently and I don't know how well this will come across, but if it works for him, I think it will work with us too. Being at Hogwarts with you is much more enjoyable than one without you. I have never had someone challenge me like you do. And I don't want that to stop. But in order for that part to stay, I am willing to share you with others. I am not good at sharing. When something is mine, I want to keep it that way. But that brought you pain and made my life less enjoyable. I don't know what else to say. Now I don't feel good.

Before I forget, Professor Picard says you need to feed your owl more.

Still not expelled,

Tom Marvolo Riddle; 2nd year Student of House Slytherin.

Tom drew his wand and almost lit the letter on fire but stopped in the middle of the incantation. His skin crawled as he wrote it but it was all truth. Isn't that what Albus said was most important? He wasn't sorry for treating Piper like the rest of his things, so he wasn't lying at all. But he also knew that they might have expected an apology after everything. Would they believe his lie if he said it or wrote it in the letter like Albus always could? Tom sat and looked at the letter multiple times and finally decided to just let it be and deal with whatever Piper said when they said it to him face to face. Replying on such a topic in a letter just wasn't the same.

Before leaving the Great Hall, Tom walked up to the professor's table and asked Professor Picard if they could send his letter back with the owl it came with. They looked a little disgruntled but relented when Tom gave her the same smile he always used to keep the other professors on his side during class. That night, Tom could not get his response to Piper's letter of his head. It felt honest. But something still felt wrong to him about it. He just couldn't pin it down and fell asleep still pondering the question.

As everyone gathered for breakfast the next morning, Professor Dumbledore addressed them all on the setting for the second challenge.

"Your second challenge will be one on transfiguration. Your task will be to complete a timed trial through a course in which you must transfigure a single object 4 times before reaching the finish. In what order, and who does each section of the relay, is up to your groups. However, all 4 transformations must occur or your group will be disqualified. Seeing as only one of you is a 2nd year, and a rather talented one at that, I have set the average difficulty for just above OWL level. The transformations are as follows: an animated, wooden horse no larger than a dog, a bird of paradise, a small tin soldier, and finally the black honeybee.

"Each group's trial will be done separately and without audience save for myself and a special guest judge to determine both the accuracy of your spells and your group's ability to control your transformed objects. Unlike the first challenge, points will be allocated by total score. First place receives 10, last will receive 2, and even increments in between. Note, that every member of your group must perform one, and only one, transformation. Also unlike the previous challenge, for the next 2 weeks before the trial, I will be holding office hours should you wish to brush up on your spells and incantations. In addition, our fantastic librarian, Madame Fortescue, has also graciously volunteered her time to tutor younger students that wish to learn the more difficult transfiguration spells as well.

"Good luck to you all. Off you go, pip pip."

As soon as Dumbledore sat down to join the rest of the present faculty for his breakfast, the entire room buzzed with excitement. There were some nervous younger students who were unsure if they would be able to cast any of the spells required because they haven't reached that level yet. Tom himself thought about it and that while he could manifest a bird of paradise with a conjuration spell, to transfigure any object into a bird of paradise was beyond what he had learned so far. He had learned, via the Vera Verto spell, how to turn a bird into an inanimate object. But to turn something inanimate into living was currently beyond his depth.

Tom looked to the rest of his group and the only one who seemed worried was Blink. He fidgeted with his wand as Tom ask him, "How are you with Transfiguration, Blink? I assume you've got another lecture in you on the importance of, how you say, varia-boos?"

Blink faked a chuckle and stood up as he said, "Yeah, Yeah. No. I suck a' trans-formy spell's, Tommy-boy. I tried turnin' my clock into a brick vis mornin' an' instead, i' turned it into a can-doo. Min', I said vuh spell right an' every'fing."

Isobel clapped him on the back a couple times and said, "I'm sure between Tom and I, we'll get you straight. Right, Tom? Hell, it could literally just be that god awful accent of yours. Only joking, of course. I can't imagine you without it." Tom, unsure of how well he would be able to teach after his attempt with Hugh Reymund the previous year, nodded in fake assurance as Oswald led them out of the Great Hall to begin practicing for Dumbledore's second challenge.