I don't own PJO/HOO. Warnings for discussion of past abuse.

Will watched as Leo paced frantically back and forth.

Something had changed since the last time they had met. Leo was far more open, answering Will's questions honestly (he assumed) and even asking a few of his own. He was definitely in a better mindset, and it filled Will with hope to see.

But they weren't out of the woods yet.

"I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" Will asked patiently.

"I figured out a long time ago that I'm worthless, and I deserve this. And once I knew that, everything made sense. But now literally everyone is telling me that I got it wrong. So what if I did?"

Will the friend wanted to loudly exclaim that of course he did, of course he's not worthless, of course he doesn't deserve this. Will the therapist wasn't sure if that was an appropriate reaction.

He settled on a simple, "And what would it mean if you did?" Asking questions was good, right? You were supposed to keep the patient talking. Probably.

Leo startled at that, stopping his anxious movements. "It would mean..." He huffed in frustration, covering his face with his hands for a moment before running them restlessly through his hair. "Well, I don't know! It would mean... something, for sure."

He slumped down onto the couch, burying his head in his hands and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. One leg bounced with nervous energy.

"What if I got it wrong? Oh gods, what if I did?" he muttered.

Will remained silent, giving Leo a minute to think it over. When it became clear that he wasn't about to say anything else, though, Will decided to prompt him again.

"Leo, what exactly do you think you could be wrong about?"

Leo dropped his hands, tapping his fingers against his knees restlessly, hesitancy written across his face.

"I'm not... I'm not sure. I guess that... Maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought? I mean, I'm definitely worth less than all of you, no doubt about that, but... I don't know. Maybe I'm not... completely useless."

It was a promising sentiment, but Leo flinched as soon as the words left his mouth, as if he would be punished for saying them.

"And if you're not... would that mean that you would want to live?" Will asked carefully.

"Want to? That's not... it's not like that," Leo said, furrowing his eyebrows as he searched for the words. "It's not so much about wanting to live as it is about whether or not I deserve to. I was always so certain that I didn't, but now..." He shrugged helplessly. "Now I just don't know."

Will frowned. He wanted to grip Leo by the shoulders, shake him, and yell at him that of course he deserved to live until he got it through his skull. Unfortunately, the lesson probably wouldn't stick unless Leo came to that conclusion himself.

There was a brief silence during which Will jotted down a few notes about Leo's concerns, which Will fully intended to fill once he was done. Before he got the chance, however, Leo was speaking again.

"I've been feeling a lot better lately, you know. What with the antidepressants and my friends and all that. It's been... kind of nice." He looked down, avoiding Will's eyes.

"I'm not used to that. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And I don't know how to feel about it. Part of me wishes..." His voice dropped a little, and Will leaned forward automatically to hear him better. "What I mean to say, is..."

Leo looked up, his eyes wide and full of fear.

"Do you think it would be okay if... if I could be happy?"

His voice broke, and he looked down again, as if he was ashamed to have even asked.

"I'm- I'm sorry, I- nevermind-"

Will surged forward, grabbing both of Leo's hands in his. "It would be more than okay. Leo, you are allowed to be happy."

"How do you know?" Leo asked desperately.

"Because you're a good person."

"How can you say that?" Leo cried. He ripped his hands away from Will, jumping to his feet and pushing past him. He stalked away, putting as much distance between the two of them as possible in the small room.

"You don't know who I am! You don't know what I've done!"

"Leo-"

"I'm a thief!" he shouted. Will stared at Leo's back in dismay. His shoulders were hunched in on himself defensively. "And, and-" He hesitated, before muttering softly, "and a murderer..." His hands clenched tightly into fists at his sides. "And! And- and a whore-"

He broke off suddenly, the tension draining out of his body. His shoulders slumped in exhaustion, and Will didn't need to see his face to know that he was crying.

Will was shocked. Leo was clearly traumatized from his childhood. Will couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of it before. A thief? Of course he was. He had run away six times. A murderer? Well, they all knew that he blamed himself for his mother's death. As for being a... whore, well... it was easy to forget that Leo had been abused in more ways than one.

In retrospect, it was obvious. But Will hadn't realized just how deeply all of that trauma had affected him.

"Leo..." Will began softly. "None of those things are your fault."

"...You don't know that."

Will stood and grabbed onto Leo's arm, gently tugging him back toward the couch. "Here, sit down," he encouraged softly, before sitting down again himself.

Leo perched anxiously on the edge of the bed, looking like he was ready to make a run for it any second. He refused to meet Will's eyes.

"Nobody forced me to steal anything," he muttered, a defiant undertone to his words. "That was... that was all me."

"Am I correct in assuming that you only stole while you were living on the streets?" Will asked gently.

Leo gave a stiff nod.

"And did you ever steal anything that you didn't absolutely need to survive?"

Will really hoped that he hadn't. It honestly wouldn't change Will's opinion of Leo, since he already knew (unlike some people in the room) that Leo was a good person. He knew he never would've done anything too bad, and even if he had, that simply didn't reflect who he was today.

But if he had, it would completely invalidate Will's argument. And thus wouldn't help at all.

Luckily, Leo shook his head no. Will gave him a small smile, though Leo probably couldn't see it. He still wouldn't look Will in the face.

"See? That makes a difference. You weren't stealing just to steal. You had to do it, even if you didn't want to."

Leo shrugged half-heartedly. "Yeah, maybe."

Will bit his lip nervously. They would undoubtedly have to talk about this some more. But he wanted to address the other things Leo had mentioned as well, if only a little bit.

"Leo, about your mom..."

Leo's hands gripped the edge of the couch tightly. "Hazel said it wasn't my fault," he muttered. "She said... she said that my mom wouldn't blame me. That she would be proud of me.

"I'm not sure if I can believe her."

"Leo..." Will hesitated. "I never met your mom. So I can't say for sure what she would think. But do you truly believe that your mom would ever feel that way toward you?"

Leo thought about it for a second, before reluctantly shaking his head. "No. She wasn't the type to hold grudges. And... she really loved me. She really loved me, Will," he said, choking slightly on his words. "And I just..."

"It wasn't your fault," Will said, putting some force behind his words. "It was Gaea's."

Leo gave him an unconvincing smile. "Yeah, I... I know. I just gotta... internalize it, or whatever."

"Right."

Will looked at Leo, examining him closely. Leo seemed uncomfortable under his sharp gaze. He drew his knees up to his chest, resting his feet on the edge of the bed and wrapping his arms tightly around his legs.

It almost looked as though he were hiding.

"Do you want to talk about... the last thing that you said?"

Leo stiffened. "No."

Neither did Will, but it was kind of his job. "It's not good to bottle stuff like that up."

"I don't care."

"Well I do. I don't want you to think of yourself as a... like that."

"What, as a whore?" Will flinched at Leo's bluntness. "Why shouldn't I? It's what I am. It's what she always called me, anyway."

His voice was carefully constructed to sound uncaring, but Will wasn't fooled. He was upset, and it was only going to get worse if Will kept pushing the subject. But maybe that's what Leo needed.

"Leo, what she did to you wasn't your fault. It doesn't dictate who you are. And it definitely doesn't make you a bad person."

"No, it just makes me disgusting," Leo snapped. His grip tightened, his fingernails digging into his skin.

"No it doesn't-"

"Are you kidding? After everything she did to me? I'm filthy." He grew more agitated, nails now dragging down his legs, leaving ugly red marks in their wake. Will grabbed at his hands, trying to stop him, but Leo jerked away, nearly slamming his head against the wall behind him in his haste.

"Didn't you hear me?" he hissed. "I'm disgusting. Don't- don't touch me."

"Okay, okay." Will held up his hands in a placating manner. "I won't. But Leo, you can't let what she did to you control you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I gave up, didn't I?" Leo asked quietly.

Will felt a chill run down his spine. "What- what do you mean?"

"I gave up, Will," Leo spat. "After months of fighting with no success, I gave up. If I didn't do what she wanted, she'd hurt me. Or worse, one of the others. So... I gave up.

"I let her do whatever she wanted to me. I even- I even would beg her to take me instead of one of the other kids, but... it didn't always work. I couldn't always protect them."

Leo squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a moment, a pained expression crossing his face.

"That's why I got stuck there as long as I did," he continued softly. "I couldn't just leave them. Eventually, we saw a chance and we took it. We got out, but we had to split ways soon after. I don't... I don't even know what happened to them.

"All I know is... I failed them. I couldn't stop them from being ruined like me."

Leo's voice petered out, and there was a faraway look in his eyes. Will stared at him in complete shock. He couldn't even begin to imagine...

"Leo, you didn't fail them! You protected them! How old were you again?"

"...Thirteen."

Will gaped at the information. "And you were willing to sacrifice yourself like that for them? And stay even when you probably could've gotten out on your own? Leo, that makes you amazing!"

"It's not like I could've just left them there! They were even younger than I was! They never would've escaped without my help!"

"That's how I know that you're a good person," Will said, pointing a finger sharply at his friend. "Not everyone could've been as strong as you were in that situation."

"Strong?" Leo scoffed. "Wrong. I was weak."

"You were a victim. There's a difference."

"Is there really?" Leo asked skeptically.

"Yes. Anyone stuck in that awful situation is a victim. But you're strong because you didn't let what happened to you break you."

"Oh no? Then what do you call these?" Leo shoved his arms in Will's face, and Will stared at the scars lining his arms. His heart ached. Because what could he call them, if not evidence that Leo was broken?

"That's not what I-" Will faltered. And though Leo looked smug, having proven his point, he didn't look happy.

Will let out a deep breath, giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts. "Look. You may be broken in some ways, but that's not what I was referring to. I just meant... she didn't change you. She didn't change your selflessness, or that you think of others before yourself. Even if she broke your spirit, she couldn't take that away."

His words fell on deaf ears. "Maybe not, but she took everything else." Leo chuckled darkly. "Isn't it funny? She's the one who hurt me, and yet it's me I hate."

"Leo-" Will tried, but Leo was done.

"You know what? This was a mistake. Even if I'm not completely worthless, I'm still disgusting and broken beyond repair. This is pointless. I can't believe I even thought about trying out Nico's advice!"

Will's heart sank. Oh no. Nico's advice had been good. He knew because Nico had confided in him about the conversation days before. But if Leo wouldn't even try that, then it might actually be hopeless.

"No Leo. Wait. Listen to me," he said desperately. "You can't let her control your life. She- all of them! All of the ones who hurt you did it because they didn't care. They wanted to see you broken. Don't let them win!"

"Why not? It doesn't matter," Leo choked. "I'm nobody. It doesn't matter if I lose my fight." Tears pooled in his eyes, threatening to spill.

"That's not true-"

"I'm sorry, Will. But I can't. I can't do this anymore." He let out a shaky breath, eyes shuttering closed as he tilted his head back against the wall.

"Nico said I wouldn't go to the Fields of Punishment, and maybe that's true, but I can't believe that I'd go to Elysium, no matter what he says. But you know, if I did end up in Asphodel, I don't think I'd mind. If I went there, I could finally forget it all."

Tears leaked out from his closed eyes, but he made no move to wipe them away. "Every day I try to forget. I laugh and I smile and I run but it's never enough. And after everything, I just want to finally forget.

"That might... that might be Elysium for me."

Will gulped nervously. This was way more than he was prepared to handle. But he had to try.

"Leo... do you want to forget Jason?"

Leo's eyes snapped open in surprise. "What?"

"What about Piper? Percy, Annabeth, Hazel, Frank?" He hesitated for a moment, but decided to just go for it.

"Do you want to forget your mom?"

Bam!

Will reeled from the force of the punch, falling out of his chair and onto the ground. He reached a hand up, placing it gingerly over his eye. He blinked up at Leo who was standing over him, his face contorted in rage.

"How dare you," he hissed. "I would never!"

Will just stared at him. Between his shock at being punched and the throbbing in his face, he was too disconcerted to reply.

In an instant, Leo's face changed, and he knelt next to him, guilt flashing across his features.

"Oh gods, are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to."

Will slowly pushed himself up into a seated position, leaning heavily on one arm, the other still gently resting on his face. "It's... fine," he managed. "Doesn't even hurt."

Leo didn't look like he quite believed him, but he nodded anyway. He held out a hand, helping Will stand. They both sat again.

"Don't feel bad," Will reassured Leo. "It's my fault. That was a dumb thing to say. I'm sorry."

"No. You were right. I wasn't thinking of her when I said that. I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself. I just wanted an escape." His face darkened. "I'm a coward."

Will struggled to find the right words. He didn't want Leo to think poorly of himself just because his past and depression made it hard for him to function, but it's not like he wanted to condone suicide, either. "No you're not-"

"Yes. I am. But you know what? I don't even care anymore. Just add it to the list."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, and began tugging at it absently, though perhaps a bit harder than strictly necessary. "I wouldn't, though, to answer your question. I wouldn't want to forget any of them. I hadn't thought of that, honestly." He looked troubled, frowning a little as he considered it. "I really wouldn't want that."

"You don't have to! You can stay here, make more memories with all your friends to remember them by. I mean, that's what life is, isn't it? Finding the good in all the bad and holding onto it as tight as you can?"

Leo gave Will a funny look. "Never really took you for the philosophical type."

Will felt heat creep up to his face, reaching all the way to the tips of his ears as he flushed with embarrassment. He brought a hand up to the back of his neck, smiling sheepishly. "Yeah, well... I like to think about that kind of stuff sometimes. And besides..." His smile fell a little. "You're not the first person I've had to help with this kind of thing."

Leo's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh... I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Will said, smiling brightly at Leo's concern. "It turned out okay."

Leo nodded. "That's... good to hear."

"Yeah." Now, if only he could add another success to that list. "So... what do you think?"

Leo looked down. His fingers tapped together nervously as he thought about it.

"I don't... I don't want to lose everyone," he admitted softly. "But I'm not sure if I can fix this anymore. It might be too late."

"Just try it," Will urged. "Please. We all want you to stay."

Leo closed his eyes, tilting his head slightly to the side as though listening to someone. His face scrunched up, and for a moment he looked like he was in pain.

"I'll..." He stopped, bringing up his hands to cover his face. "I'll try."

He hunched over defensively at the words, but Will was ecstatic. "Really? That's great news! How do you feel?"

"Scared," Leo said, peeking at Will through his fingers. "Maybe a little sick."

"That's okay," Will said. "That'll get better with time."

"If you say so," Leo muttered. "Can I go now? I feel..." He shuddered, choosing not to complete the thought.

"Oh! Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course! We can go do whatever you want. It's your life, after all, right?" Will grinned.

Leo looked like he might throw up.

"Yeah," he said faintly. "I guess it is."

Thanks for reading! Also, just wanted to say that it is not over. People keep asking me that after like, half the chapters, but it isn't. I promise I will let you know when it is, whenever that actually happens. :)