Chapter 16: PRELUDE - The world as it is now

January, C.E. 80

Meyrin might have been joking, but Athrun reckons the therapist is actually quite helpful. Meyrin had referred him to a doctor a friend of her friend knows. The first few appointments didn't go so well— he's clammed himself up and given one-word answers, but the therapist had been patient. She even allowed Athrun to do most of their subsequent appointments via video call late at night because she knows and encourages Athrun's journey to repentance.

The flashbacks have not stopped. They've decreased, but they haven't stopped. His therapist says it may take time. The trauma was immense, and it is entirely possible his flashbacks will always remain, even if only slightly.

There's a bittersweet feeling to that. On one hand, he wishes for a healed mind. On the other, he doesn't think he deserves such peace. He's opened up to his therapist of this predicament before, telling her that he doesn't quite know how to repent and move on. If he can or should be forgiven. Because he's done despicable things, and he knows he should thank his lucky stars that he was even allowed to live. But then he mentions that living is much, much harder than death, as someone he cared for told him before, and perhaps people knew that death would be too easy, and that instead, living is his punishment.

He later apologizes for rambling, but his therapist simply smiles and brushes it off. She tells him it's fine to have these thoughts, and it's good for him to express himself like that. He's made good progress since the first time she's met him, and she promises she's not just saying these things because he's paying her. Athrun appreciates it when she'd sometimes make jokes like that.

She'd turn serious then, and tells him again his thoughts and feelings are all valid. That it is difficult grappling with what he's been through, and dealing with the consequences. She assures him that she's not here to make him forget, or to absolve him from the weight of his mistakes. Her role is to simply identify triggers, to help him cope better, and to help him see a life beyond his past and his sins.

There's no need to forget. But there's no need to dwell either. That's what she tells him. And these days, his mind is clearer, and he sleeps easier at night. And for that, he is thankful.

X

Things haven't exactly gone back to the way they were before. When before their time together had been filled with lively chatter and comfortable silence, now Lacus would find herself awkward and out of place.

Kira tries though. When he came back after disappearing for a month or so, they had a long, long talk about their relationship, and he knew he hadn't been fair to Lacus. So he tries to make up for it — bringing her flowers, accompanying her to concerts (something he rarely did before), and cooking her dinner (he's not very good at it but Lacus appreciates the effort). They've even agreed to visit a relationship counselor. A part of Lacus feels offended — she never thought she'd actually need professional help for something so private. But Cagalli tells her it's normal, especially for people who've gone through what they have. And it might help Kira sleep easier at night. In any case, she hasn't anything to lose from the consultation.

They've been to a few sessions, and progress has been quite slow. But Lacus has been told this is really a slow process, so it should be fine — this is normal. But even as early as now, Lacus has come to consider that there may be a part of Kira that she can never truly be part of — a past she cannot venture into, a place only Kira can have for himself. Just as well. Lacus has realized there are things that she could never tell Kira either. Things that Cagalli and Murrue — and funnily, her counselor, could better understand.

And perhaps, all these things unsaid don't need to mean much in the grander scheme of things. She and Kira are doing their best, and there's nothing wrong with a bit of privacy. Even from each other.

X

It's not like Cagalli hasn't tried to move on. She has, actually. But she finds that she can't hold onto another man for very long.

Something will always go wrong. Personalities don't fit. The long distance ruins things. Political ideologies differ. Something will always go wrong but Cagalli finds that she doesn't care much if it does. She's been busier than ever these days. Maybe her work distracts her from her heartbreaks. But she doesn't think about it too much. That would have been time wasted, and she could find better use for that time.

Cagalli would be lying if she said she hadn't thought of Athrun once or twice. It had been hard when he left her that second time. She had been understanding, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Her responsibilities took her away from the pain. And it has become easier to put Athrun at a far corner in her mind. He'd pop up once in a while, but nothing too intense that it would break her down.

Sometimes Cagalli wonders if she'll ever settle down and have a family of her own. That can't be such a farfetched idea, can it? But then she remembers she has a country to lead.

She's only turning 25 this year. She's got time.