Chapter sixteen: Fix you
Kate ducks as the glass explodes behind her head. Had she not moved, it would have hit her right in the face! "Hey!" She snaps as he moves towards her. "Don't you go throwing things at me just because the truth hurts you!"
"You f**king bitch!" He shouts as he grabs a hold of her wrists. The door opens and they both turn towards the door to see Mary there, concern on her face. "Get out!"
"Sir, I must-
"I'm alright Mary." Kate assures her, though she's not sure why she's making such a statement. Both Thomas and Mary look at her as if they realize that she's finally taken complete leave of her senses. "Please check in on Charlie, make sure he's alright."
"You leave my son out of this!" Thomas snaps as he whips his head back around to her. Mary closes the door as Thomas slams Kate's wrists against the wall. "Why made you say a f**king thing like that?" he demands as he inhales before shouting in her face. "Who the f**k do you think you are to say that you miss your husband, more than I miss my wife!?"
"Because I haven't gone to any man for comfort and you've been with another woman and Grace hasn't even been dead for 6 months!" She snaps as his fingers dig into her shoulders. "I don't think you realize what a lucky man you are!"
"How the f**k am I a lucky man?" he demands as he slams back into the wall, Kate's grateful her head doesn't hit the wall. "My wife is dead!"
"Because you got to say goodbye to her!" She shouts at him. "Not everyone is afforded that simple luxury!"
"Luxury?" he shouts. "She shouldn't have died at all!"
"I felt the same way when people were washing Emmett's blood and brains off my face!"
"Here you go again. You always bring up your husband. Why?" He shouts. "To remind me that he's the reason you're stuck in my house!"
"No! I'm bringing him up just so you can see how truly lucky you were! I don't think you see it!"
"Lucky!? All right then, explain to me how the f**k I'm so lucky! I am no luckier than you are!"
"You are! I didn't get to say goodbye to Emmett! You did!" he stills as tears pour down her cheeks. "You've got pictures of Grace; we couldn't afford to get one and at times I find myself forgetting what he looks like." She chuckles bitterly. "Married to the man for six years and….I can't remember his eye color. I forget if they were green or blue. But then I remember that they're brown." She inhales. "You had a child with Grace; mine is dead!" Now his grip loosens on her shoulders. "You have so much to remember her by. You got to have one last kiss with her and make love with her one last time! I didn't get to share any of that with my husband! You have a family that love you and will support you. And I….well, I know you talked to my father, so, you know I have no one."
"You've a sister."
Kate smiles. "That I haven't seen or talked to in almost six years. I'd probably pass her in the street and never recognize her." She bites her lip before stating. "The hardest thing I've had to reconcile with is that he'd probably still be alive…if I hadn't helped Grace." He glowers darkly at her. "And I liked Grace, I truly did, she was a good friend to me for those few months I knew her. If I had to make the same choice again…I don't know what I'd be able to do because I love my husband but I would have wanted Grace to say goodbye to you and Charlie." Thomas releases her shoulders as he exhales slowly. "You've got closure…which is something that I will never, ever have!"
"F**king hell," he runs a hand through his hair. "I hate you."
"I hate you too," he stares down at her in shock. "not as much as I used to but right now…this isn't helping! Now, we've got to try to work this out and become friends!" she exhales deeply. "I know that Grace's absence is killing you, Emmett's absence has been killing me every day. The only reason I'm staying here is because I promised your wife that I'd help you! Now that Grace is gone I will not let him have died in vain!"
Thomas exhales and turns to walk back to his desk. He sits down and pours himself a whiskey. Kate steps towards him and sits on the edge of the desk. He stills for a moment before offering her his glass. "Want one?"
She nods as she takes it. "Thank you."
His brow arches slightly as she takes a large swallow of whiskey. "Didn't think you were used to drink."
"Normally I don't, but grief makes a person do strange things."
Thomas nods as pours himself another glass. "Indeed."
"I know what you're looking for. You're looking for Grace." He pauses, the glass halfway to his lips, not blinking for a moment. "It's alright, I'm not judging you." he shoots her a skeptical look. "I look for Emmett on occasion. Sometimes, I think I can see him. Do you see her as well?"
Thomas hesitates for the longest time before taking a gulp of his whiskey. Then, he speaks. "Yes."
She nods her head. "It's a cruel game that the heart plays; to torture and taunt us with a love that we can never share again. Almost feels like you're losing your mind on occasion, except you're aware of the descent into madness." He nods as he takes another drink. "I see everything going on inside you," he arches his brow. "you hide it better than most, but on rare occasions like now, it comes out."
"What comes out?"
"You want Grace," again, he reacts with a slight twitch. "and I want Emmett. It's killing both of us, but unlike you, I actually talk to people and do my best to carry along with my life. You're just…holding it all inside and one of these day's you're going to destroy yourself. Not to mention as time goes by you're going to hurt Charlie in the process."
He's silent for a long time before pointing towards the door. "You said what you had to say, now just get the f**k out of here."
"Not yet." She rolls her eyes at the dark glower he gives her. "I should think you know by now that your idle threats mean nothing to me. We can threaten each other all we want, but in the end we're both going wind up honoring our word." they both exhale and Thomas lets out a groan. "I know, Grace knew that we'd agree and I sincerely believe she took advantage of that fact. So, we're both stuck with each other!"
"For how long?" He demands. "She can't have meant for it to be forever!"
"Probably until either of us re-marry, so, I doubt it will be more that." They both sip their whiskey, slowly finding another moment of calm. Kate sets down her glass before stating quietly. "I've observed you long enough to know that you don't feel anything for Tatiana. You're just looking for Grace in her." Thomas's eyes glaze over as he stares at the wall before him, breathing hard. "But you won't find Grace in a woman like her." He exhales deeply and she dares to place a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't move, or respond to her touch. "Just close your eyes and breathe, Thomas." She feels him relax slightly under her touch, his breathing is still hard. She knows she shouldn't have addressed him by his first name, but it feels appropriate for this moment. "Grace is here, trust me. When you love someone…they're never truly far away from you." Slowly, his eyes drift closed and she holds firmly onto his shoulder. "Just relax and you'll find her."
Thomas does as she asks. She watches his face carefully and she knows the moment when he finds Grace in the midst of this chaos, for his grip loosens on his glass of whiskey, sending it down to the floor. He exhales as his eyes open and he looks up at her, as if seeing her in a completely different light. She sees him slightly differently as well, he's still the same harsh man, but she now sees the damage inside him. But not just the pain from losing Grace, the damage that the war has heaped upon him.
He exhales before glancing towards his clock on the wall. "I've an appointment." He stands up. "I've got to go."
She nods. "Alright Mr. Shelby." she picks up his fallen glass of whiskey and sets it on his desk. "I'll have someone in to clean this up."
"Right." He waits for her to cross the room and reach for the door before stating. ""Hey," she turns towards him as he adjusts his coat and checks his gun. "When I promised Grace that you'd be safe here, I meant it. Nothing's going to happen to you, while I'm alive."
"Thank you." She smiles softly at him. "It would be nice to be assured of that once in a while." She hesitates before admitting. "I never…truly know where I stand at times in this house."
He looks slightly confused. "Why?"
"Because I'm not family and I'm not one of the servants. You pay me to watch after your son, but he has a nanny, who I monitor. So, what am I exactly? What is my purpose here?"
He shrugs. "We'll talk about that when I get back tonight."
She nods. "Alright Mr. Shelby." With that, he walks out of the library.
However, Kate spent another restless night in her bed…waiting for Thomas Shelby to return home in one piece. Something had gone wrong and everyone in this family knew it, they just couldn't admit to it. When she finally fell asleep at 2:00 the following morning, he still hadn't returned. she could only hope and pray that when she woke later that morning, that he'd be back home, safe and sound.
MeriemDjez: I know! They're moments when they're fighting are the best!
Idcam: Yes he did, but he missed her! They're both in a very emotional point and they just keep rubbing each other the wrong way.