A/N: I think this chapter is the one I'm most nervous about, so I really hope you like it.
Trigger warning:
Alcoholism.
Chloe was in her car and driving home before her mind could catch up with what had just happened.
Her hands were shaking on the wheel and her breathing was coming in fast, uneven gasps.
Her phone was buzzing in her pocket, but she knew it would just be Tod calling, trying to get her to come back.
They didn't like you just leaving after a traumatic call. They needed you to talk through it with someone.
Chloe didn't want to talk.
She didn't want to think.
She parked haphazardly on her drive and fumbled with her keys as she tried to get into her house.
The gunshot was still ringing in her ears.
She paced her kitchen like a trapped animal.
Her breathing was frantic and her hands were shaking and tingling badly.
She needed to settle her nerves and calm her mind. She needed something to bring her down. To numb her.
She pulled out her phone and called Beca.
Beca answered on the 6th or 7th ring. "Hello?" She said, her voice laced with sleep.
"Hey," Chloe said, her voice shaking and sharp and nothing at all like Chloe's voice. "Sorry, did I wake you?"
"Are you okay?" Beca asked, stifling a yawn.
"Listen, can you come over?"
"Yeah, of course," Beca said.
"Can… can you bring some… I need a drink, Beca. Can you bring something?" Chloe said.
Beca could hear the panic and need in her voice. "Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure," Chloe said.
"Okay," Beca said. "See you soon."
Chloe felt a rush of relief. She ended the call and carried on pacing, waiting for Beca.
She heard the sound of a car pulling up, a door slamming, and then a car driving off. Beca was knocking at her door a few seconds after.
"Hi," Beca said, eyeing Chloe cautiously as she stepped aside to let her in. "Are you okay?"
"Did you bring it?" Chloe asked.
"Yeah," Beca said, hesitantly. "What's going on, Chlo'?"
Chloe was already pulling two glasses out of her cabinet.
"I don't want one," Beca said. "I'm trying to cut down, remember?"
"Right," Chloe said, shaking her head slightly as she put the second glass back. She had a vague memory of a conversation they'd had, but it didn't matter to Chloe at that moment. Nothing mattered, except that drink. "Can I have it? Please?"
"Can you talk to me first?" Beca asked. She'd never seen Chloe look like this before. She was scared.
Chloe rolled her eyes. "If I wanted to talk, I'd have called Aubrey," she snapped, her voice harsh. "I need a fucking drink, Beca. I called you because I need a fucking drink."
Beca took a step back. She didn't know this person in front of her.
"That's why you called me?" Beca asked, her voice small.
Chloe made a face as if to say duh!
Beca felt her heart break as she took another step back.
"I don't know what happened," Beca said. "But this isn't okay."
Chloe let out a frustrated groan. "Please, Beca. Can you just give it to me?"
Beca didn't move, she was watching Chloe the way a mouse would watch a cat. Terrified of moving. Terrified of being seen.
"For fuck's sake, Beca!" Chloe said, snapping again. She hated the flash of fear she saw in Beca's eyes, the way she jumped at her voice. But she needed that drink. "Please," she added, forcing an air of calmness to her voice.
Beca reached into her bag and pulled out an almost empty bottle. There was barely enough for one glass inside. She still didn't hand it over.
Chloe knew what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn't see past this burning urge. She could still hear the gunshot ringing in her ears.
She even felt a rush of disappointment and anger when she saw just how little amount of alcohol Beca had brought.
"That's all you brought? What is that going to do for me? I want to get fucking obliterated, Beca, I don't want a nightcap before bed! What fucking good are you?"
And then Beca's fear turned to anger. She opened the bottle and drank the remainder, and she felt a small hit of relief as bourbon burned the back of her throat. She hadn't had a drink in over two weeks. She'd been proud of herself for that.
Chloe's rush of anger was replaced by shock and then more disappointment. She rushed forward to try and grab the bottle so she could at least get something, but Beca pulled away, the last drops spilling down her chin and onto her shirt.
Chloe wanted to scream. She pushed down every urge to shout and rage, and ended up fisting her own hair, pulling it tightly.
"You know," Beca said, eyes shining with anger and pain, "bars exist right? And stores? You need a drink, go fucking buy one. You called me for a reason." Beca wiped away the angry tears that were now spilling down her cheeks. "You called me, because you thought I'd… I'd be an enabler, or something. And I understand, Chloe, believe me. I'm not going to judge you for relapsing, okay? But don't ask me to be the person to push you off the wagon. I love you too much for that."
And then Beca was slamming the door behind her. Chloe heard the sound of glass shattering as Beca hurled the empty bottle at the ground.
And suddenly, Chloe realised what she'd just done.
She flung the door open and ran after Beca.
"Wait!" She called out to the small figure, walking quickly down the street. "Beca! Wait!"
"Go home, Chloe," Beca said, not slowing down.
"Beca, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," Chloe said, crying now. "Please, baby, let me explain."
Beca slowed her steps and turned around. "I really don't want to talk to you right now," she said, walking slowly backwards.
"I know," Chloe said. "I know that. I'm just… fuck, Beca, I'm so sorry."
Beca stopped walking, but didn't go to Chloe. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets, and she was crying hard.
"Something… Something bad happened at Support Line. I just… Something inside me snapped, and all I could think about was making it stop."
"Making what stop?" Beca asked. The sight of Chloe crumbling before her like this was making her resolve weaken, but she wasn't ready to run into her arms. Not yet.
"Everything," Chloe breathed out. "I needed everything to stop. I need to just… To not exist. To not think. That's why I used to drink, because I needed that… That oblivion. I needed that tonight. I need it now."
Beca teetered on her feet slightly. Fighting the urge to move forward.
"That doesn't make what you did okay," Beca said.
"No, I know that. You shouldn't ever let me speak to you like that. You shouldn't let anyone speak to you like that. If… If you don't want to… to be with me anymore after this, I'll understand. I won't like it, but I'll understand," Chloe said, feeling the rush of guilt and regret overtake her.
"That isn't what I want," Beca said, her voice small again, her anger beginning to dissipate. She shifted her weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to do. "Did you mean what you said?"
"No," Chloe said, shaking her head desperately. "No, of course I didn't."
"Why did you call me?"
"I called you because… Because I thought you wouldn't fight me. I thought you'd just… I thought you'd give me permission. It was wrong of me to ask you to do that," Chloe said.
Beca shook her head and ran her hand through her hair. "I guess if you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it safely, with someone you know and trust. I meant what I said about not judging you for relapsing. It's just… If you'd talked to me first…" Beca shook her head again. "I shouldn't have left, not when I knew you were in a bad way. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" Chloe said. Beca bit her lip and nodded. Chloe closed the gap between them and pulled Beca into her arms. She felt relief when Beca raised her arms to hug her back. "No, baby. You don't apologise for this. I'm in the wrong here, okay? I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I shouldn't have used you like that."
"I'm sorry I left," Beca said, sobbing into Chloe's chest. "I promised I wouldn't leave, I shouldn't have left."
Chloe held Beca at arms length so she could look at her face. "You're allowed to leave if I'm hurting you, Beca. You should leave if I'm hurting you."
Beca nodded, still crying.
"I love you, Chloe," Beca said, her voice quiet and trembling. "I don't want this to end."
"It isn't ending," Chloe said, closing her eyes as she pulled Beca back into a hug. "I love you too. So much. Come home with me?"
She felt Beca nod against her, and they walked hand in hand back to Chloe's house.