Chapter 24 – Memories

Hermione was sitting on a rock looking out at the lake, thinking about Draco. There was something seriously wrong with him, that much was obvious, and all she wanted to do now was find him and comfort him. She wished she had the map. But even if she did, would she go to him? With all of her friends around? She sighed, probably not, and he knew that, and it broke her heart. Why couldn't she be stronger for him?

Tears began to stream down her face slowly. Today had been so emotionally draining, seeing the memories of all of her friends, many of them her own. It really was a perfect tribute, she'd have to tell McGonagall the next time she saw her. She'd stood with Ron and his family at Fred's star for what felt like ages, his seemed to go on longer than anyone else's, and Hermione found George's memories of him the most heart-breaking for some reason. But Ron seemed better, stronger. She'd missed it, since she wasn't with him day to day, but he'd turned the corner from the sad, depressed wizard who'd broken up with her at the beginning of the school year. She guessed if Clara had done that, then maybe she had been good for him after all.

Hermione heard a twig snap to her right and turned her head to find Luna walking toward her. "Oh, hey," she said quickly, then went back to studying the lake.

Luna took up a spot on the same rock on Hermione's left, then joined her in watching the lake. After a time Luna said, "Hard day." Hermione humphed in response. She'd picked up that habit from Draco.

"I'm sorry about Draco, that wasn't fair," Luna continued. Hermione humphed again. There really wasn't much else to say.

Then Luna said something really odd, "The crumple horned snorkack isn't real."

Hermione turned to look at her, her mouth hanging open a bit. Hermione knew this, of course, but why had Luna suddenly changed her mind? She'd been searching out the mythical beast's location all year. She remembered Luna mentioning something at Christmas about maybe knowing the animal wasn't real, but then she'd kept right on looking for it. Hermione wondered what had changed Luna's mind. "Since when have you thought that Luna?"

Luna shrugged, "I don't know, probably since this past summer."

"Why did you spend so much time chasing something that you knew wasn't real?"

Luna looked back at the lake, then said, "My father and I – " she cut off, then began again, "It was hard for me to forgive him for turning all of you in during the war. I'd thought he was braver than that. And chasing the crumple-horned snorkack, well it gave us something to bond over after that, something to take our minds off the tension between us. And I realized about halfway through the term that it was never about catching it, it was about looking for it."

Hermione thought about Rolf, who Luna would have never found had she not been looking for the mythical animal, and added, "Sometimes you think you're looking for one thing, but you find something else along the way."

Luna smiled softly, "Yeah. I found so many other creatures during my search. And I found Rolf." She cocked her head at Hermione then and said with her characteristic nonchalance, "What about you Hermione, did you find what you were looking for?"

Hermione stopped to consider the question. What had she been looking for this year? Purpose after the war, a place where she could feel at home, and a way back to Ron. But instead she'd found Draco. Was that better? She still wasn't sure. "I don't know," she said truthfully.

Luna looked behind Hermione's shoulder then and stood up from the rock. Hermione looked behind her and saw Ron approaching. "I'll leave you alone," Luna said, "I know when I'm not needed." Hermione expected her to walk back toward the castle where Ron had come from, but instead she made her way to the forest.

She turned back to Ron and watched him approach, then take up Luna's spot on the rock. "Harry tried to talk to Skeeter, but I don't think he was able to convince her to cut the article from tomorrow's paper. So instead of a nice account of the beautiful ceremony there will probably be something about you and Malfoy being in love," he said sourly.

Hermione placed her forehead against her knees, but didn't respond. "Are you in a secret relationship with Malfoy?" Ron asked gently.

Hermione took a deep breath, then picked her head up and looked back into Ron's concerned eyes. "We're friends, yes, but dating – that would be something, wouldn't it?"

Ron studied her, but didn't push the matter further. After a few moments he turned to her and waited for her to turn back to him before saying, "I am so sorry I hurt you earlier this year, I know you wanted more between us and I was pushing you away. I- I broke up with Clara. I just – it was good for me but now I know for sure that you're the only witch for me. I love you."

Hermione didn't know what to say. This was what she'd been waiting for all year. But all she could think about now was how badly she wanted to find Draco and make sure he was okay.

When she didn't respond Ron's eyes grew sad and he said, "I know – well Ginny said she thought you were dating someone at school," he stopped and waited for her to respond, but she stayed silent. Then he continued, "I get that, I mean I did the same. I guess – I just wanted to say I love you, and I'm ready. And now it's my turn to wait. And I will."

His blue eyes bored into hers and she gave him a curt nod, then he leaned over and hugged her. She bent her head then and allowed a few tears to fall before quickly wiping them away.

"Thanks Ron, I need time, but, I love you too."

Hermione stopped before walking into the Great Hall for breakfast the next Monday, her eyes caught by something new in the Entrance Hall. All of the memory diamonds from the Anniversary were stuck together to make a giant quilt-like display. At the bottom was written, "These brave warriors gave their lives at the Battle of Hogwarts. Although they are gone, they'll never be forgotten." Hermione admired the diamonds for a while. She was watching a scene of Lupin holding Teddy and wiping tears from her eyes when Ginny walked up behind her, "There you are!"

"Oh, hey," Hermione turned to go into the Great Hall but Ginny grabbed her arm.

"Wait, you'll want to read this first," Ginny handed her a page from the Daily Prophet then pulled them out of the main foyer. Hermione's eyes scanned the article quickly.

Malfoy Heir Manipulates Beloved Muggle-born

The memorial of the Battle of Hogwarts was beautiful and touching (refer to the front page spread for details) but as my readers all know, a scandal is hiding everywhere and you can trust this dedicated reporter to find it. On this particular day in May I witnessed a touching moment between none other than Hermione Granger (muggle-born best friend to Harry Potter) and Draco Malfoy (notorious former Death Eater and heir to one of the most prominent pureblood families).

A fight broke out over Malfoy's attendance at the memorial since he was a Death Eater rumored to have killed many of the people being honored. Hermione Granger was first at his side, vehemently defending the Death Eater to her horrified friends. Which leaves us to wonder, what is going on between this unlikely pair? Love potion? Imperius curse? A desperate attempt for the Malfoy family to curry favor by wooing one of the most famous and beloved witches of the day? You can trust this reporter to be paying close attention to these two.

Underneath the article was a huge picture of Hermione laying a hand on Draco's arm. He had his eyes closed, but you could see him gently placing his hand on top of hers. The photo looped through those actions. Hermione closed the paper quickly and stared back at Ginny. "Do you think anyone will believe it?"

"Do you not want them to?"

"I think it's too soon," Hermione admitted. She and Draco were still getting used to each other. She didn't know if their new and still fragile relationship would stand up against what was bound to be an overwhelming outpouring of negative reactions once they became public. Well she supposed she was about to find out.

"And what does he want?" Ginny challenged.

Hermione stopped. She had no idea, she hadn't seen Draco since the Anniversary. He was obviously avoiding her, but she didn't know if it was because of her pushing him about Occlumency or about what happened in the Great Hall. "I don't think he wants anyone to know either. He was just getting a break from everyone hating him." But you don't know that. You've never asked what he wants, have you?

Hermione skipped breakfast that morning and went straight to Herbology. This was the one class she didn't share with Draco and she was disappointed that she wouldn't be able to see him. She wondered if he'd gone to the Great Hall for breakfast and been teased for the article. Everyone in this class was mostly leaving her alone, though she did notice Justin Finch-Fletchley giving her dirty looks.

When Hermione left class she discovered the halls were another matter. She could tell students were whispering about her as she passed, but no one said anything outright. Half of them looked angry and half of them looked at her with pity. She spent the free period before Arithmancy alone in her room, waiting in vain for Draco to show up. She sighed as she grabbed her bag before walking to class, at least she'd see him soon.

Draco was sitting at their table when she arrived, but he completely ignored her. That was until she said a tentative, "Hey." She was relieved when he broke into a real smile, then said in a low voice, "Oh hey, lover." She blushed, then looked over at Anthony and Terry who were watching them.

"Not here," she said harsher than she meant to and he looked hurt, then turned back to his book and ignored her for the rest of class. He didn't come to her room for the next free period so she left to eat lunch in the kitchens. Luckily the house elves didn't read the Prophet.

Outside of Runes Anthony was talking to a younger Ravenclaw and when he saw Hermione he gave her a look of disapproval. "Please tell me this isn't about that article," she snapped at him, and the younger boy he'd been talking to stole away.

Anthony sighed, then said, "I don't believe you're dating like Skeeter said, but there's no doubt you're close to him. And he's a Death Eater, evil. You know what his father did. It's just – upsetting."

"He's not evil and he's not his father," Hermione bit back, then moved to her usual spot in the Runes classroom. She was disappointed when Draco arrived a few minutes later and sat on the opposite side of the room. She couldn't be sure, but she thought she detected a dismissive shake of the head from Professor Babbling when she was returning papers, but it could have just been Hermione's imagination since she was on edge by that point in the day. Regardless, she hung her head for the rest of class.

After Runes Draco was waiting for her in the hall and she thought maybe he meant to walk with her to Potions. They would walk to classes together on occasion without raising too much notice. But today was different, she could feel everyone else's glare on the two of them. "I don't think we should today," she whispered to him, "it's too soon."

"You're seriously worried about some fucking article?" he snapped back, "There's no way anyone believes it."

"We should talk about this, but not here, everyone's watching us," Hermione cocked her head toward a group of fourth-years that were staring at them obviously and whispering to each other.

"And since when are you such a coward?"

"It's not that I-"

"No, I get it. This is convenient, in secret, when you have time. But as soon as it gets hard it's not worth it. You told me I wasn't worth your time before, I should have listened." She saw his expression change then and he snapped his eyes closed and she recognized the look of him using Occlumency.

She started to scold him, "Draco, I told you –"

His eyes popped open and he looked back at her angrily, "You don't get to be concerned. Not now." Hermione couldn't help but look sidelong toward the group of students, wondering how their argument was being perceived. Unfortunately Draco noticed. "I'll make this easier for you," he growled, then raised his voice and said in a clear tone, "The only time a Malfoy would take any romantic interest in a Mudblood would be in your dreams. Next time keep your bushy head out of my business." He turned on the spot and marched toward the dungeons while she gripped the strap of her bag tightly, trying to keep from crying.

What are you doing? Draco means more to you than the opinion of these stupid fourth-years.

Hermione marched over to the group of students and said, "Mind your business. Who I do and do not choose to be friends with is not your concern. Now leave before I dock points for your rudeness," she turned back toward where Draco had disappeared then, leaving before she could enjoy the shocked expressions on the students' faces.

Draco never made it to Potions. The headache that had been threatening to take over his mind all weekend finally succeeded. He felt himself going in and out of consciousness as he made his way through the castle to the only person he thought could help. He was no longer able to use Occlumency and he had completely lost control of the memories he'd been working so hard to keep in the back of his mind. They were all flooding across his consciousness in a rush. He'd walk a few steps then have to stop to relive a Crucio, a few more paces, then he was watching his father writhe on the floor. He stumbled forward, then watched three goblin heads roll on the ground at his feet.

Draco had no idea how long it took him to get to the gargoyle statue. Then he realized he didn't have the password. "Fuck – ugh – Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, phoenix, Potter, Quidditch," he slid to the ground, the words coming from his mouth turning incoherent as he gave in to the newest wave of memories. He felt bile rush into his mouth as he watched the little boy swinging in the park and rushed to swallow it back into his stomach. Then he passed out.

He awoke to warm hands on his face. "Draco!" someone said in an urgent whisper. Female, not Granger. That was all he thought before he drifted out of consciousness again.

"What's wrong with him?" This was a female voice too, vaguely familiar but he couldn't place it.

"Just go – and Nancy, if you breathe a word of this to anyone I'll write your mum personally and tell her where you spend your nights," he recognized this voice, it was Astoria. Thank Salazar, besides Granger, this really was the best person to have found him in this vulnerable state.

"You wouldn't-" the girl named Nancy responded, and he couldn't see Astoria but pictured a harsh glare, then he could hear Nancy's footsteps as she disappeared down the hall.

"What do you need? Hospital wing?" Astoria muttered, noticing that he was looking back at her.

"No, just McGonagall, do you know the password?" he cocked his head toward the gargoyle statue.

"Are you sure? I can help you there, it's not far-"

"No, just…password," Draco could feel another wave of memories coming and he'd rather be away from the open hall before playing through them.

"Uh – yeah, it's Never Forget."

How fucking poetic, Draco thought to himself as the gargoyle moved out of the way and Astoria helped him to standing. They struggled up the stairs and when they got to the top Astoria pounded quite forcefully on the door. "Headmistress! Headmistress McGonagall!"

McGonagall opened the door quickly and she seemed surprised to see the two of them, then her eyes widened when she saw Draco. He wondered how bad he looked to cause that reaction in someone who usually kept a straight face. He hadn't slept since Saturday night, and now he had started to shake, that probably didn't look very good. She rushed them in and practically threw him into one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"What has happened?" McGonagall said with the straightforward dread of someone who had seen too much. He thought by this point he could say the Dark Lord himself was back and she would just give them a curt nod.

"I don't know," Astoria began in a rush, her voice was high and Draco thought she sounded like she was holding back tears, "I found him passed out outside your statue. He didn't know the password. I tried to get him to go to the hospital wing but he insisted on coming here."

"Thank you, Miss Greengrass," McGonagall gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder, "I think I can take it from here."

"Oh, um, okay." Astoria approached Draco then and he was surprised when she embraced him, but she seemed to be using the action for the opportunity to whisper in his ear, "Do you want me to tell Hermione?" Draco gave her a slight shake of the head and she looked confused, then left the office.

"Now tell me frankly, what is going on?" McGonagall crossed her arms and fixed Draco with a stern glare.

"No one is in danger or anything, I just need to talk to them," he motioned to the portraits behind her, "about – uh – Occlumency."

Right then another memory passed through Draco's mind. This time it was the whole scene of the goblin massacre, not just the heads rolling on the floor at the end. He vomited and when he was coming back to reality he was on the floor. McGonagall had just finished vanishing the sick and Draco was shaking again, wrapping his arms around himself in an effort to stop it.

"What is this?" McGonagall looked scared and Draco saw that she'd directed the question at the portraits, not him.

"Mr. Malfoy," Draco recognized Dumbledore's voice. He tried to pull himself back into the chair, but didn't have the strength and leaned against it instead. He could just make out the Headmaster's head from his spot on the floor. "Why did you mention Occlumency? What is the connection between that and what you are experiencing now?"

"Granger said this was Occlumency Overuse Disorder."

Draco saw Snape's eyes widened then and he snapped, "Impossible. You'd have to be using it-"

"Every day for a few hours," Draco cut in bitterly.

Both men raised their eyebrows and Malfoy was reminded of a time last year when Snape had raised his eyebrows after Bellatrix told him about a successful raid on a muggle village. The memory of that raid flashed through his mind then and it felt like ages before he was able to fight his way back to reality. It must have been a long time since when Draco opened his eyes again Madam Pomfrey was there, holding a vial of grey liquid and he was laying on a cot next to McGonagall's desk.

Snape was muttering instructions to McGonagall and Draco caught every few words, "Absolutely no use – there is a potion – mind opening – may be out of his control. Dreamless sleep – rest the mind – clear he hasn't slept."

"But what is happening?" McGonagall asked back, and Draco was grateful to her for speaking clearly, so he could understand.

"He's losing control of his mind," this response came from Dumbledore, "He's losing the distinction between what is real and what isn't."

"Is it permanent?" He was glad she asked this, since it had been Draco's next question.

"It can be – but if he rests, and discontinues use, he should be fine. He is young, and obviously powerful if he was able to damage his mind so effectively in such a short time." Was he proud of Draco for fucking up so bad? That man truly had been mad.

"We should get him in the hospital wing," Madam Pomfrey cut in then.

"I think it's best to keep him here while he's – reliving memories," McGonagall responded. Draco wondered what that meant, then realized he must have been yelling out and she didn't want other students to hear him talking about all of the terrible things he'd seen and done. Draco felt potion being poured down his throat then and in a few seconds he was gone.

When Draco awoke again it was dark and McGonagall and Pomfrey seemed to be gone. He looked over at the portraits on his left and saw Dumbledore was away from his frame but Snape was there, looking at him sharply.

"How could you be so foolish?" his former professor scolded.

"I didn't know," Draco responded and tried to pull himself to sitting a few times before eventually giving up and laying back on the cot.

"Why were you doing it?" Snape asked then.

Draco sighed, "To – forget." He thought of the password to this office, Never Forget, then he thought of the inscription on Granger's necklace, It's not forgetting that heals, but remembering. How ironic.

"Will I be okay?" he asked Snape then, trying to keep the fear he was feeling out of his voice.

"Dumbledore thinks so. As long as you stop Occlumency immediately. You are on a potion now that should make it nearly impossible. Then your mind can begin to heal."

Draco nodded, then asked, "I won't get to use it ever again?"

"Maybe after a few months – but only as a defensive measure. Not every day. And not to avoid unpleasant thoughts."

"But without it –" Draco cut off, then closed his eyes before continuing, "I'm just reliving everything, it's like I'm there again. Is it going to be like this for months?"

"No –" Snape started, and his tone was almost comforting, "just at the beginning, and probably also when you're tired. You can use Dreamless Sleep potion to stay rested, but not too often, it can be addictive."

"You need to face what you've been trying to hide all year Mr. Malfoy. That is the fastest way," Draco opened his eyes then and saw Dumbledore was back in his portrait.

"How?"

"Is there no one you can share them with?"

"Share them?" Draco snapped back in alarm. "It's not fucking cauldron cake, these are terrible memories of awful things I did. I would never-"

"Very well," Dumbledore responded, gently, seemingly unaffected by Draco's swearing, "I was merely offering a suggestion."

Draco laid back on his cot and turned away from the portraits, waiting for the next memory to come.

Draco didn't know how much time had passed since he'd first arrived in McGonagall's office. He guessed maybe a few days. McGonagall was away most of the time, and he figured she must have moved her meetings to another location. Maybe the office reserved for the Defense professor, since Potter obviously wasn't using it. The Headmistress had been bringing him his assignments for the week, but they were mainly untouched on the desk next to his cot because he was having trouble focusing for long enough to get through them.

By now his mind had forced him to relive every terrible memory from the war that he'd been trying to avoid all year. And they still continued to flip through his mind, but now when they did so he was able to watch them without being completely consumed by them. That was progress, he guessed, and McGonagall agreed, saying he should be well enough to leave her office tonight. He had to promise to visit a healer in St. Mungo's at least once a week as a condition of remaining at the school. His first appointment was this Saturday and he really hoped it wasn't the same healer Potter had seen. McGonagall also said he had to continue to take the Occlumency blocking potion every other day, requiring him to meet her in this office each time he took it so she could watch. It was an unnecessary precaution though, of course Draco would take the potion, he didn't want brain damage.

There was a knock at the door then and Draco ignored it, like he always did. Whoever it was would go away when no one answered. But he heard the door click, then almost dove out of sight before he saw that it was Astoria in the doorway.

"Hey," she looked around guiltily, then closed the door behind her and walked inside. She sat down in the chair next to his cot and he thought then that he spent entirely too much time laying injured on beds while beautiful witches sat on his side comforting him. He had done absolutely nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

"I've been so worried about you Draco, are you – I mean, are you feeling any better?" she looked at him warily. He was sure he looked like shit. He hadn't bathed in days and had barely slept. Pomfrey only let him take the Dreamless Sleep potion once. The rest of the time he didn't sleep for long stretches, but instead passed out between memories when he could no longer keep his eyes open. Those periods could hardly be considered restful.

"I'm getting better," he said eventually, "Thanks for helping me." A memory passed through then, the day he took his Dark Mark. He watched the scene in his mind for a few minutes. Draco heard Astoria's breath hitch once he was back in the reality she occupied and she gasped, "Your eyes!"

"What?" Draco raised his hand to rub them but couldn't feel anything out of place.

"They, well there were shadows, like people, darting across them. What is that?"

Draco shrugged, then admitted, "I think it's my memories, literally flashing before my eyes." He remembered McGonagall had mentioned him using a Glamour charm, that must have been what she was talking about. But he wasn't too concerned and didn't think he'd need to apply one once he returned to classes, it wasn't like anyone paid attention to him anyway.

Astoria was talking about Granger then, and Draco moved his mind (very carefully, he'd found it better to move his thoughts slowly) back to focus on her voice. "Why didn't you want me to tell her? She's been worried about you, she cornered me, Daphne, and Blaise in our common room yesterday, asking if we'd seen you."

Draco's eyes widened, but he didn't answer Astoria. He'd decided to end it with Granger, as soon as he worked up the courage to see her again and utter the words. Maybe he'd send her an owl, no, she deserved better than that. He'd at least do it in person. He looked back at Astoria then, and an idea came into his mind.

"I need to break it off with Granger," he said, and the image of Granger being tortured by his aunt crept into his mind. He watched a part of it play out and when he looked back at Astoria she was staring back at him in alarm. He wondered if it was in reaction to his words or his disturbing eyes.

"Why?" She asked softly, inching closer to his cot.

"I've done terrible things. I tried to – push it aside, but I've been forced to relive it all, recently, and – I can't go on with her anymore, I'm shit for her," he sighed then added, "and for you too, for the record."

"Okay," Astoria said carefully, then asked, "And why are you telling me this? To warn me away from you?"

Draco shook his head, slowly, to prevent any pain, then continued, "I'm looking for your advice on how best to, uh – go about it."

Astoria nodded thoughtfully then said, "Well I'm no Hermione Granger," and the way she said it made him think of all the times he'd thought that he was no Harry Potter and he almost laughed, "But if I were her, I think I'd be upset if you tried to make such a big decision on my behalf. She seems like a witch who knows her own mind," Draco nodded. Astoria had certainly gotten the measure of Hermione Granger. She continued, "If you think you're truly awful for her, based on what you've done, then to be fair to her, you need to tell her what it is you've done and let her make that decision for herself."

Draco sighed and closed his eyes. There it was, someone else telling him to share his memories, what was with everyone? They obviously had no concept of how bad the images rolling around in his mind actually were. But Astoria was right, in a way. If he broke it off with Granger without explaining, she'd just fight her way back in. Showing her who he really was, or telling her, whatever he could manage, may truly be the only way to convince her to leave.

Hermione was in her last class of the day Thursday, Ancient Runes, frowning as she noted Draco's empty spot. Where was he? She hadn't been able to find him after their fight in the hall Monday. He had never showed up in Potions and had missed all of his classes since. During her free periods this week she'd looked everywhere for him. All of the common rooms, his dormitory, every empty class she could think of, the music room, the grounds, and the hospital wing. He was nowhere. While in the Slytherin common room she'd cornered Blaise Zabini and the Greengrass sisters, but they said they hadn't seen him since Monday. But he must be somewhere in the castle, since his name was still showing up on her parchment.

Hermione should have ignored the rest of the school and their stupid reactions to the article to start. Draco was her friend (well more than that) and he needed her, but she'd been more concerned for her own reputation. She really hoped he was okay.

She passed the rest of the afternoon in the library with Ginny, who didn't really care where Malfoy was, but was trying to be supportive of her friend, then the two of them went to dinner. By now the whispers and the taunts from the article had died down, since there was only so much to say about a supposed relationship that didn't seem very likely, especially when one of the parties had fallen off the face of the earth. When she got back to her room Draco was sitting on her couch.

Hermione wanted to run and jump on him, but he looked awful and his expression was dark. Was he still mad at her? He had a right to be, she hoped he'd yell, that might assuage her guilt a bit. She'd been so worried about him and it looked like she was right to be since he looked worse than she'd ever seen him. He seemed absolutely drained, she doubted he could cast a Lumos right now, and his hair was even more untidy than Harry's, which was saying a lot for Draco. His clothes were rumpled and he looked like he'd slept in them for days, which was probably accurate, since Zabini had said he hadn't been sleeping in his dormitory.

Before she could ask him where he'd been he mumbled, "You were right, about the Occlumency. Of course, you're always right, aren't you?"

Hermione didn't respond, she just approached Draco carefully and sat next to him on the couch. He didn't move away, that was a good sign. "What happened?"

"I had an episode, or a series of them. I've been pretty out of it the past few days. My mind – it's been passing between memories and reality. It's been, hard for me to pinpoint which is which."

Fear gripped Hermione. His mind? That beautiful, wonderful, powerful brain? Was it damaged for good? He must be so scared. "Where have you been? I looked for you in the hospital wing."

"With Snape, he thinks – well Dumbledore thinks I need to share them."

What was he talking about? She thought saying Dumbledore and Snape are dead might be a little too obvious, but did he think they were still alive? Was he in a memory right now? His eyes were unfocused but then he focused back on her and said, "Why did you ever forgive me for all of it? It's because you don't know – you just assume I did nothing, I let you assume that. But you're wrong. If you knew, you wouldn't be so free with your forgiveness."

As she looked into his eyes she saw them glaze over and a crowd of shadows appeared in his irises. It reminded her of when she was a girl and had made shadow puppets using flashlights with her parents. But there was nothing playful about the shadows dancing across Draco's eyes. Hermione raised a hand to his arm but he didn't respond, then after a few minutes his eyes cleared and he looked back at her blankly.

"Draco, please tell me what's going on," she whispered, and squeezed his arm gently.

He ignored her, and continued with his previous monologue, "It's supposed to help, telling someone, release a burden or something. But I couldn't – this is mine to bear, it wouldn't be fair. But – I think it's the only way – the only way you'll understand." He looked absolutely terrified and she saw the shadows flash across his eyes again.

"Draco!" she put her hands up to his face and stared into his eyes, but he didn't respond. She tried to piece together what he'd been saying. It seemed like his memories were haunting him, and maybe that's what was going on with his eyes, though she'd never heard about magic like this before. And he'd said someone had told him to share his memories, Snape and Dumbledore, then it clicked. The portraits. He'd been with McGonagall. Well that was the one place in the castle she hadn't checked.

The shadows left Draco's eyes then and he was looking back at her, tears streaming down his face now. He pulled her hands off his face then and leaned away from her, "We can't be together anymore Granger, don't you understand?"

"Why?" she asked, "because of the Occlumeny? What's changed?"

He buried his face in his hands and shook his head, "I was so selfish Granger, I should have never – I wasn't thinking."

She caught his wrists and pulled them away and grabbed his chin so he was forced to look into her eyes, "You're not making sense. Tell me what's going on," she spoke in a rush, unsure how long they had before he fell into another memory.

"I can't, I can't say it," his voice caught then, and he continued, "I can't put it into words, but I have to, it's the only way you'll let me go."

"Draco, you're not going to lose me that easily. What do you need to tell me? Something about your memories?"

Draco nodded then said, "You need to know what I've done, I think it's the only way. But I can't, how could I possibly find the words to explain - " he cut off and Hermione chewed on her lip, then said boldly, "Don't explain then, show me."

Draco put his head in his hands again and started sobbing and Hermione pulled him into her chest. "I can handle it Draco, and you need to stop hiding it all inside."

When he was done, she looked in his grey, terrified eyes. They were red from crying, but free from the shadows. He nodded determinedly back at her and she stood up and pulled him to standing before he could change his mind. She took the opportunity to give him a big hug, then pulled him over to her bedroom. She sat cross-legged on top of her bed and waited for him to climb in with her. He stood looking at her warily, then leaned over and kissed her desperately. When he pulled away and started positioning himself on the bed across from her she asked, "What was that for?"

"Goodbye," he said simply, then settled himself on the bed across from her.

Hermione shook her head, then picked up her wand and held it up to him, then hesitated "Is this going to make it worse? I don't want to-"

"I don't see how it could get any worse. But don't lean on anything, just observe. And I won't be able to push you out, so you'll have to end it yourself. Scream the word 'Veritas' in your mind when you're ready to end it."

She nodded, suddenly scared, then asked, "How will I know, when I've, um, seen enough?"

Draco looked back at her seriously, then said, "You'll know."

Hermione muttered the incantation, then she was in Draco's head. He was sitting on his bed, the same one he slept in now, and he was reading through a letter attached to an article from the Daily Prophet. She recognized the article as the one announcing Lucius' arrest following the event at the Ministry in fifth year. Hermione had wondered which memory she'd start out in, but it looked like it was going to be the beginning. The letter was long, and she didn't read the entire thing, just caught snippets here and there.

He's coming for you, has requested a meeting as soon as you're back home.

Bella will help you, listen to her.

It's time Draco, sooner than I'd like, but I know you can do this. We need you.

Tears started to fall from Draco's eyes but he wiped them away quickly, then they were in a graveyard and Draco was standing in the center of a circle of Death Eaters and Voldemort was looking back at him. Before Hermione could figure out what was going on Voldemort pointed his wand at Draco's arm and a searing pain ripped through him. It was worse than Hermione had ever felt. After a few moments it was done and Voldemort was speaking, but Draco wasn't listening and the words were a jumble to Hermione. Draco was focusing on the dark black mark on his arm and Hermione could tell he felt a mixture of pride and fear.

The memory changed again. Now they were on a bridge and Draco was staring at the sign post ahead of him, the hood of his cloak pulled up to cover his face. Brockdale Bridge, she read on the sign, and Hermione remembered this bridge. It had been destroyed the summer before their sixth year and 50 muggles had died. Draco was watching two wizards walk toward him and she recognized the Lestranges. They settled in on either side of Draco and Bellatrix whispered to him, "The explosives are set, you can ignite them as soon as you're ready."

Draco raised his wand, but she could see it shaking in his hand. The pride she'd felt in him when he'd admired his mark was gone and all that remained was fear, apprehension, and doubt. He was watching the Muggles walking on the bridge's sidewalk and the cars passed over and Hermione urged him to drop his wand and run away, knowing it would do no good. Bellatrix started talking again, "Draco, this is your first assignment, you must not fail. Do I need to remind you how the Dark Lord punishes failure?"

Draco nodded curtly at his aunt, then raised his wand again and Hermione saw he was pointing it toward a string of magical explosives. They were strung so obviously around the bridge and she wondered how the Muggles had missed them, but then figured they must have been spelled to appear invisible. Bellatrix put her hand on Draco's arm then and Hermione was relieved, Draco wasn't going to do this, someone else would do it.

Bellatrix said a sing-songy voice, "There's a baby," and Hermione looked over, expecting to see a baby carriage coming off the bridge. But she was wrong, it wasn't a baby leaving the bridge they were waiting for, a muggle woman was pushing a pram toward the bridge. Then what Bellatrix was saying clicked with Hermione, and memory Draco too. A feeling of horror overtook him as he realized that she wanted him to wait for the baby to get onto the bridge before lighting the explosives. That seemed to be the push he needed because just then a shot of flame left his wand and he and his companions ducked to avoid the blast.

Hermione expected them to move to the next memory then, but they remained by the fallen bridge under a shield charm. After the sounds of the blasts died down, Lestrange pulled Draco to standing and motioned in glee toward the carnage. Bellatrix and her husband walked onto the bridge then and the witch started twirling around like a little girl in a field of flowers, but instead she was surrounded by dead bodies and dismembered limbs. Hermione could feel bile rush into Draco's mouth as he walked carefully through the wreckage. He didn't join his aunt and uncle at the epicenter of the blast though, but instead spotted the baby carriage he'd been trying to avoid that was toppled onto its side.

The mother was lying on the ground and looked dead, but Draco's eyes were focused on the inside of the pram. He pulled back the blanket inside and when he saw the contents an all-consuming feeling of despair overtook him. He jumped when he heard his aunt's voice behind him and quickly got back to his feet, "One less filthy animal to taint this earth, you did well today Draco." Hermione could feel the tears welling behind Draco's eyes then. "You'll always remember this day Draco, when you made the world a better place."

In the next memory Draco and his mother were being tortured by Voldemort, then the memory shifted and Draco was sitting at a dining table surrounded by Death Eaters and Voldemort's snake attacked, then started eating Professor Burbage. Hermione had known about this death from the papers, but watching it was an entirely different matter.

Next Draco was in a muggle village and looked like he was hiding in a shop. He was sitting behind a cash register when Crabbe found him and knelt next to him, "What are you doing in here?"

"None of your fucking business Crabbe," Draco snapped back.

"Well you're missing the fun, MacNair found a house with about 15 muggle girls, pretty ones, around our age. It was a party or somethin'. The guys are taking turns with them now, you should come."

Rage coursed through Draco's body then and he bit back through gritted teeth, "We were supposed to bring back one muggle, not fifteen. And the Dark Lord said nothing about rape in is instructions."

Crabbe shrugged then said cruelly, "That's what memory charms are for, they won't even know what happened."

The memory changed then, Thank God, thought Hermione, not sure how much more of this she'd be able to take. She was inside the cell of a dungeon, which she thought was odd, when had Draco ever been captured? Bellatrix was on the other side of the bars and when she looked down she saw that Draco was naked except for a pair of boxers and was completely covered in deep gashes which were still bleeding slightly. She could feel the wounds throbbing with pain now that she was focusing on them, then looked back at Bellatrix who was speaking, "You're too soft, don't think the Dark Lord hasn't noticed. He's given me the task of breaking you, and I never disobey my master." She threw a severing hex at Draco then and he bent over in pain as a large gash appeared across his stomach. Hermione was about to shout Veritas in her mind, surely this was enough, when the scene transformed and they were at Gringotts.

Draco was surrounded by dead Goblins. It was worse than the carnage from the explosion on the bridge. He looked down and three severed heads rolled past his feet. Then the scene transformed and they were outside on a bright sunny day.

Draco was standing in the trees next to a muggle playground watching a young boy. Hermione felt terror stream through him, then turned and saw Fenrir Greyback on his right side, "Bring him to me, young Malfoy."

She felt a rush of defiance flow through Draco then and was relieved, Good, he wasn't going to bring the boy to this awful man. "He won't," someone said behind Draco and she felt that Draco was scared of the man. He turned and saw Lestrange on his other side. "Bella was worried you'd gone soft, but I told 'er, you haven' gone soft, you've always been soft."

He cocked his head toward the boy, "We both know you won't bring 'im to 'ol Greyback here, just like I know you don't participate in raids and have never killed, for no reason," Draco's eyes narrowed and Lestrange continued, "How was it she tried to break you last month? Severin' charm? I keep tellin' 'er, you're too stubborn. It's not you she needs to torture, it's the people you love," he smiled wickedly then. "She needs to go after 'er sister."

"She wouldn't," Draco snapped, and Hermione could tell he didn't believe his own words.

"Who do you think Bella loves more? 'Er sister? Or 'er master?"

Draco stomped out of his hiding place toward the boy, whose eyes widened at surprise when he saw Draco. He grabbed him by the arm, and walked him over to Greyback and glared back at Lestrange, who just started laughing before Disapparating.

Greyback eyed the boy carefully and Hermione willed Draco to turn away, she didn't want to have to see what happened next. But instead, Draco pulled out his wand and muttered something under his breath, focusing intently on the boy. She watched in horror as Greyback tore open the spot where the boy's neck met his shoulder with his bare teeth. But the boy, surprisingly, didn't respond. His eyes were unfocused and it looked like his mind was elsewhere, then Hermione realized what Draco was doing. He was using the dream come true spell. He'd taken the boy somewhere else.

Greyback looked back at Draco, upset, but moved back to the boy. He pushed his finger deep into the wound he'd created and swirled the blood along the boy's neck and face, then he rose the finger to his mouth and licked the blood clean. He stood then and approached Draco and Hermione could smell the blood on Greyback, but Draco remained focused on the boy. Blood was pooling out of his wound now, but his eyes were still unfocused. "What did you do to him?" Greyback asked roughly, but Draco just shrugged in response.

Greyback looked back at the boy, then Apparated away. Draco was alone with the boy now, and he pointed his wand at the small figure on the ground and muttered Avada Kedavra. A flash of green spilled from his wand, then the boy's unfocused eyes went dead. Draco crept over and crouched down next to the boy and carefully closed his eyes.

Veritas! Veritas! Veritas! Hermione screamed in her mind, absolutely horror struck. She was thrown out of his head and found herself on the bed, sitting across from Draco.

He pulled his knees into his chest and hugged them tightly, then fell apart completely. It reminded Hermione of the time he'd cried in his mother's room, but was ten time worse. Maybe because now she knew exactly why he was crying, or maybe it was the sounds of anguish he was making. She sat back and watched him in revulsion, processing through all she'd seen.

She knew she should hold him, place a hand on his back, tell him everything was okay, but it wasn't, it would never be okay. He'd done awful things. She'd always assumed he was just a spectator, but he'd been involved in all of it. And everything, the deaths, the torture, the rape. It was so much worse than she'd ever imagined.

She felt bile rushing into her mouth but she swallowed it back. Draco had completely broken down in front of her and she couldn't bring herself to touch him or give him any sort of comfort. The only thought running through her mind now was that she wanted to get a time-turner and go back to the night of her date with Anthony, and this time she wouldn't run back to the castle.

A/N: So yeah, the story took a bit of a dark turn here. This is quite a heavy chapter. Poor Draco and poor Hermione. Please forgive Hermione in this chapter. No one's perfect, not even Hermione. And I know her initial reaction to his memories may seem harsh, but it is kind of a lot to take in all at once, especially in the way she had to by experiencing everything like it was actually happening. Ugh.

Well I hope you're still liking the story, thanks for all of your support so far. I know this chapter is super sad, but I promise more hopeful scenes in the next chapter, so please don't give up on me yet! Or do, no worries, to each their own. Stay safe!