I wandered the ship, checking that all of the sick camp members were tended to before heading outside for the first time in almost 24 hours. I was relieved to feel the fresh breeze on my skin and arrived outside just as the camp celebrated the gates opening to reveal Monty and Jasper. I cheered loudly and waited at the end of the line of people who had gathered to congratulate them. As they walked, Jasper put an arm around Monty's shoulders and I was pleased to see that the tension I'd noticed between them in the last few days seemed to be dealt with. I saw Octavia nod in acknowledgement to Jasper, and felt some residual nerves release inside me. I was pleased to witness peace returning to our small, makeshift family. As they reached the end of their victory greeting I strode over to meet them, maintaining my distance as I worried that I might still be contagious.
"Well look at you two, my boys are heroes." I chirped with a warm smile as I gazed between them. Despite my caution, they both surged forward to embrace me in a group hug and I laughed openly at their reaction. I squeezed them tightly and spoke quietly enough for only them to hear. "I'm so glad you two didn't get sick, I don't think I could've taken much more." I breathed as I stepped back to view them both with relieved tears in my eyes.
"We were really worried about you." Jasper admitted quietly as he scanned me with worried eyes. "It sucked not being able to come in to check on you." He admitted as his brows furrowed together and I smiled at his concern.
"I saw Bellamy on the way in, he's looking better. And you and Octavia are good too. We're all still kicking. Sounds to me like you can relax." Monty suggested and I sighed, releasing tension from my shoulders that I hadn't even realised I was still holding onto.
"Sounds like I can." I remarked with an easy tone. "How did it go out there?" I enquired as I remembered that I still didn't know what had happened.
"I'd like to say smoothly, but is that ever really the case?" Jasper joked as we walked further into the camp together. "Only this camp could decide that blowing up a bridge was the best plan." He detailed and I raised my brows at him in stunned horror. Although I was relieved that they'd found a way of stopping the attack, I couldn't believe that Finn had suggested something so insane. I made a mental note to myself not to trust him to be the rational voice for me again.
"It was pretty stressful all round." Monty admitted. "If I'm honest, I'd say Raven was the big hero, she delivered the bomb even through the sickness." He clarified and I snapped my attention to him.
"Raven's sick?" I asked as I glanced around the camp. I hadn't seen her come back as I was too distracted with the boys and I felt a forming in my gut.
"Yeah, she looks like she's in the thick of it." Monty informed and I shuffled on the spot in concern. "From what I can tell, she's pretty upset with Finn too and I'd say she has every right to be." Monty added and I studied him with a smug smile.
"You are a gossip aren't you?" I giggled and he shrugged awkwardly. I shook my head at him disapprovingly before glancing over to the dropship in concern. Raven and I had a turbulent relationship since she arrived, but I sympathised with her. If I'd risked everything to get to my boyfriend only to find that he was with someone else, I'd be pretty unpredictable too. I wandered to the ship and as I entered Finn stormed past with a devastated expression. I quickened my pace, worried that she had potentially died from sickness and was relieved when I found her safely lying in a hammock. She was quietly crying as I approached and I carefully pulled up a seat to settle beside her.
"Hey, I heard there was a camp hero in here." I drawled with a light smile in an attempt to lighten the heavy mood that was in the air and she clocked me in surprise. I moved from her side momentarily to fetch a damp cloth and gently wiped at her brow to soothe her. "Sounds like you've had a tough day." I added softly and she started to cry again at my tender words.
"You can say that again." She whispered, before meeting my eyes with her large watery set. "I just broke up with Finn." She admitted with tears freely rolling down her cheeks. I gazed at her with understanding and could hardly contain my sympathy for the unjust situation she'd found herself in.
"I'm sorry Raven, this whole situation has been shitty to you." I commented as I wiped away her tears to comfort her. "I wouldn't suggest it right now as we should be keeping you on the soft stuff whilst you're so dehydrated, but once you're better, I'm thinking you and I and a bottle of moonshine. We can talk all about how shitty Earth is." I squeezed her hand as I spoke and she forced a tearful smile. I brought a drink of water, then wiped her face again and she started to drift off. I stayed to keep her company until she was soundly asleep.
I took the opportunity to check on Murphy now that he was lucid and in less pain. He was in a better state of mind for me to be able to properly treat his wounds and so I dedicated some time to him. He removed his shirt to reveal the full extent of his injuries and I flinched at the sight of his abused body. I spent a while cleaning each wound with moonshine whilst he grimaced and tried not to allow my pity to show. I gave my best attempt at thoroughly disinfecting the burn on his shoulder and dressed it, but it was difficult with our limited resources. Once I'd finished cleaning him up I retrieved a fresh shirt for him that wasn't full of holes and he thanked me. He still obviously appeared to be badly beaten, but I'd done everything I could and I knew that I now had to just give his body time to heal.
When I left the ship it was dark and I felt a heavy exhaustion calling me to my tent. I dragged myself there slowly, practically collapsing face first into the blankets as soon as I entered. I was only there for a few minutes and had just started to doze when I heard a rustle at the tent door. I sat bolt upright and came face to face with Octavia.
"So this is where you're hiding." She stated as she glanced around awkwardly. I nodded in response and waited anxiously to see if she'd come here to argue again. We sat in silence for a few tense minutes whilst she silently seemed to struggle to decide if she could speak to me. "Look, I know a lot has been said between us and I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but I almost lost both my brother and my best friend today. I realised that you'd both die thinking that I hate you and I just need you to know that I don't." She revealed as she met my eyes with a tearful expression and I reached out to pull her into the tent so that I could hug her. I was so tired of the conflict that I embraced the first sign of peace as tightly as I could.
"I'm sorry that I yelled at you and I'm sorry if I made you feel that I was choosing Bellamy over you." I whispered as I gripped her close to me and I felt her squeezing me in return. "You know how much I care for you, but I've come to care for him too and I'm really trying to do my best by both of you." I divulged and realised that I no longer cared what I had to admit in order to fix the rift between us. When she sat back to face me, she smiled in understanding.
"I know, I shouldn't have put you between us, it wasn't fair. I remembered today what was important to me and I don't want to lose you." She sighed deeply and I could recognise tension in her shoulders as she considered her words. "I'm glad that you're honest with me, even when I don't want to hear it. I'm sorry that I attacked you for that." She clarified and I was immediately relieved by her words. Although she wasn't hugging me anymore, we still stayed close in each other's space and her hands gripped my arms as if she was afraid to let go of me. "Can I stay here with you tonight?" She requested in a small nervous voice.
"Of course you can." I breathed and I watched as tears slid down her cheeks. "Is something else going on?" I enquired with a growing concern in my chest.
"Lincoln is leaving, he asked me to go with him but I couldn't. I belong here with all of you. I just had to say goodbye." She struggled to get the words out between sobs and I pulled her into me. I laid back with her and wrapped her up in blankets, tucking her in beside me. We laid face to face and I reached out to brush away her tears. It was strangely nostalgic, we used to bundle up together like this whenever she could sneak into my room on the Ark to comfort each other.
"I'm so sorry Tavi, I know you care about him." I acknowledged and I could tell from her expression that my understanding of her feelings for him was a comfort for her. "God, it's been a real day of it." I muttered absent-mindedly and she scrutinised me in confusion. "Raven broke up with Finn earlier, I think she was sick of watching him make puppy dog eyes at Clarke." I explained and for the first time I witnessed sympathy in her face for Raven.
"I don't blame her." She sighed and her brows furrowed together as she reflected on the information. "I wish it was possible to not have feelings for anyone. As soon as you get involved with someone it just leads to hurt." She grumbled and I nodded in agreement. She sat in thoughtful silence and I enjoyed being peacefully in her company again, feeling as if a part of me had returned to its rightful place. "I'm sorry for what I said about you being too scared to act on your feelings for my brother. That was uncalled for." She offered and didn't look at me as she spoke. I sighed deeply and felt my heart swell in appreciation for her apology.
"It's alright." I answered evenly and took a sharp breath before deciding that I needed to confide in her as much as she needed to confide in me. "I'm starting to believe you weren't wrong." I admitted solemnly and she grimaced.
"Well now I'm even more sorry." She groaned with a remorseful expression. She then brought her eyes to mine and gave me a gently encouraging look. "What are you afraid of?" She questioned calmly before she fidgeted into a comfortable position and prepared herself to listen for the long haul. "Apart from the obvious fear of getting your heart stomped on, it's not like this camp is giving you many examples of successful romance." She smiled playfully, before returning to a serious expression. I thought about my answer for a while, trying to untangle the complicated web of feelings in my head.
"I'm not sure, I guess being vulnerable or not in control?" I admitted, finding it difficult to navigate to the root of the problem.
"Hmm, those are both perfectly valid, healthy fears." She commented with an understanding shrug. "The question is, don't you think the payoff might be worth the risk?" She grilled and I considered her words. "Do you think you will live to regret not taking a chance at being happy with him? Because from what I've seen, you're drawn to him and he's equally drawn to you." She explained earnestly, causing me to sigh deeply and close my eyes.
"I...I don't know how to...how do I know what he wants?" I thought aloud and when I opened my eyes, she was observing me with amusement dancing in her eyes.
"Well, next time you're alone, try flirting a little and I'm sure he'll tell you one way or another." She answered with a smug smile and she couldn't contain a slight giggle as I reached out to slap her arm playfully. She cleared her throat and forced herself back into a serious tone. "Surely he must have done something to indicate one way or another by now?" She suggested and I fidgeted awkwardly, before remembering one of her comments during our last fight about transparency. If I couldn't be totally honest with her, then there was no one could I be honest with.
"He asked me to stay with him." I admitted in a quiet, mousy voice as I avoided her gaze. I felt her eyes grow wide but she held her tongue. "He was about to kiss me when I freaked out and left." I added, squirming on the spot at the uncomfortable words. Octavia looked thoroughly gripped now, as if this was both the most exciting and painfully frustrating story she'd heard in a long time.
"Why?!" She gasped before resting her face in both hands, propped up on her elbows to analyse me eagerly.
"I don't know, I panicked." I answered in a defensive manner, then I sighed and met her eyes with an excruciating vulnerability. "You know I've never been with anyone, I've not even been kissed. I don't want my first time to be some meaningless night that he will throw aside like it's nothing when he decides he's interested in someone else." I admitted with a niggling feeling of embarrassment. "I know it's a totally different situation, but watching how my mum was abused...it's left me with a strange fear of intimacy. I have no issue with people wanting to keep sex casual and light, but for me….I want it to mean something. I don't want my body to just be used for someone to enjoy." I confessed. I felt as if I had just both bared my soul to her and finally reached the truth of the issue for myself. She studied me in sympathy.
"I get that, you don't want to get used and thrown away." She sighed and then her face fell into a reflective look. "I can't speak for Bellamy, I don't know what is going on in his head. But I can tell you that he cares about you and he treats you differently to anyone else in this camp. I really think there is something between you, but if you want to know for sure, you'll have to speak to him about it." She said in an attempt to give wise advice.
"That's not the answer I wanted to hear." I groaned, covering my face with my hands in embarrassment and she laughed.
"Or you can just take a chance with your feelings like the rest of us!" She added. "You can't always be in control, and sometimes you have to risk being vulnerable. Your choice, my friend."
We chatted wrapped up in the blankets together for hours, catching up on everything that had happened in the time we'd been fighting. She told me in detail about her first time with Lincoln and much to my embarrassment, every other time too. I mostly wanted the ground to open up and swallow me as she covered the events with a microscope. I couldn't deny that it helped to know that she'd experience a similar anxiety in being with someone for the first time and it still turned out fine. She badgered me to tell her the whole story of what happened in Bellamy's tent until I finally agreed. Although she covered her face in embarrassment over thinking about her brother that way, she sympathised with my awkwardness. We laughed, shared our tears and eventually fell asleep bundled up in blankets together.
- O - O - O - O - O -
I woke early the next morning to find the camp practically empty except for the few people who were still on guard duty. I grabbed a simple breakfast from our supplies and refilled my water canister as I searched for a spot to eat. I noticed one of the exhausted guards staring out into camp as if he were waiting for someone and quickly discovered that the next person had failed to turn up for their switch over. I volunteered to cover so that they could get some well earned sleep and made my way to the spot on the edge of the woods that they had been guarding.
Although I took guard duty seriously, we hadn't seen any activity in days and I ate my rations whilst scanning the trees. I wasn't sure for how long I sat out there, staring into the unmoving woods and I found a sudden appreciation for the people Bellamy had assigned to do this on a daily basis. I watched the sun rising higher into the sky, wishing that it would bring us warmer weather instead of continuing to punish us with frigid temperatures.
Something moved in the trees and I bolted to my feet. I held my breath as I stared out, praying that I had simply imagined it. The forest was painfully quiet and I kept perfectly still to not create any sound. A few seconds later, I heard something rustling followed by footsteps and my stomach dropped. I glanced back at the camp to consider calling for help but I didn't want to cause alarm unnecessary.
Reluctantly, I pulled out my pistol and pointed it at the trees. I fell into stance as Bellamy had taught me, frantically reviewing the training session in my mind. I crept through the trees at an agonisingly slow rate, approaching the spot where I'd last seen the movement with a growing pit of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn't decide if this was the correct thing to do and I hoped that it was simply an animal, but the fear inside me continued to imagine grounders leaping out at any moment.
I caught movement as I neared and jumped in reaction. I had to force myself to take a slow, steadying breath as I crept closer to the spot and was relieved to find nothing there. I lowered the gun and sighed in relief as I turned to return to my post. Suddenly, I came face to face with a female grounder who whacked me in the head, causing me to drop onto my hands and knees. I quickly rolled sideways to avoid the next hit and once on my back, I scrambled frantically backwards until I crashed into the tree.
Desperate pants wracked my chest as the grounder stepped closer with her spear raised up and I realised I had dropped the gun. I glanced over to see that it was out of my reach and my terrified mind provided no suggestions on what to do. The grounder inched into my space and I held my breath as my body shook all over. They seemed to be considering me, analysing my face with a disbelieving interest. For whatever reason, they had paused their attack and I finally forced myself out of my frozen state. I reached behind me for the dagger in my belt and held it out in front of me defensively.
Before either of us could act, the sound of gunfire interrupted from behind me and a bullet flew past the grounder. She startled, jumping away from me and I sprung to my feet, continuing to hold the knife in front of me. She stared at me for a few moments longer with a reluctant expression until voices called out to me, causing her to turn and disappear into the trees. I stayed rooted to the spot in confusion, too frightened to move. I could hear rushed footsteps as several other guards ran over to me and I heard Bellamy's frantic calls seconds before he appeared at my side.
"Indigo, what happened? Are you hurt?" He breathed as he grabbed my face to check me over, before then running frantic hands over my body to search for injuries.
"No...I-I'm fine." I stuttered, coming back to my senses at the sight of his worried face. "There was a grounder, she ambushed me." I detailed in a dazed manner.
"Where is she now?" He growled as he scanned the area with a furious expression.
"The gunshots scared her off." I explained, staring out in the direction that she left for any sign of her. "I don't know why but...she just stopped attacking." I revealed, still processing my thoughts and Bellamy looked confused as he studied me closely.
"Why would they do that?" He questioned, seeming every bit as bewildered as I felt and I shrugged back at him. "What were you even doing out here?" He investigated and his tone implied that I was in trouble.
"I was guarding camp, someone didn't turn up for their watch." I answered, glancing back to see the other guards that had come to my rescue spreading out to comb through the woods.
"You're not a guard Indie." He fixed me with an annoyed expression and I could tell that he wasn't impressed. He noticed the pistol on the ground and bent to scoop it up, before handing it back to me. "Don't let me find you out here again. Come on, let's get you back to camp."
- O - O - O - O - O -
I kept myself busy in camp for the next few days, helping to rebuild after the chaos of the virus. We continued to reinforce our protections and all of the brainiacs worked night and day to try to come up with creative ways to use the limited supplies that we had. I found it challenging to concentrate on anything properly, as I obsessed over the strange actions of the grounder. I couldn't fathom any reason why she would stop attacking and it was only made more bizarre by the absence of any follow up attack.
By the second evening, I realised that Raven hadn't left her tent at all in days. I knew that she likely needed a distraction as much as I did, so I grabbed some moonshine directly from Monty's latest batch, entering her tent with a wicked smile.
"Hey little miss workaholic, can I interest you in some good old fashioned sorrow drowning?" I suggested as I waved the bottle at her enthusiastically. She glanced at her work space, then back at me and shrugged.
"Fuck it, let's do it." She smiled at me with a hint of mischief and I was relieved to see that she hadn't lost her humour.
For my first drinking experience I took it slow, but Raven downed the cups with no hesitation. She told me the whole story of her and Finn, and I called him every name I could think of in my mildly drunk state. I'd only had a few drinks, but it was enough to loosen my lips on any topic. We enjoyed petty gossip and bitched about many frustrating members of camp, laughing ourselves into a stupor. I sighed in contentment.
"Seriously Raven, I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I really think you did the right thing. You're too good for Finn." I slurred and she smiled at my words.
"You know, I really think I just need to fuck him out of my system." She replied, taking a long sip of moonshine and I cackled at her bluntness.
"You do whatever you need girl, he'd have no right to comment." I rallied in support of her plan and definitely blamed that on the drink.
"Bellamy's been quite interesting around me recently." She commented and I felt a knot growing in my stomach. "Are you still happy for me to climb that tree, or did you finally take up climbing yourself?" She asked with a sly expression and I froze in horror as I tried to think of an answer. Even in my drunk, honest state I didn't know what to say to that question. "I'm kidding, I don't have any interest in other people's men, that's Clarke's department." She added and I almost choked on my drink as I snorted in laughter.
"You're even more of a savage than I first realised!" I breathed, feeling moonshine pouring from my nostrils as I wiped my face. "I love it." I confirmed with a playful wink and she rolled her eyes at me.
"God are you really going to ignore the most important part of that?" She groaned, peeking at me in annoyance. "I know he's your man, I'm just dying to hear you admit it!" She probed insistently and I fidgeted under her scrutiny.
"I don't know if I can consider him 'my man' when we haven't even kissed." I admitted, feeling a rosy blush spreading over my cheeks at my involuntary honesty.
"What? Why?!" She gasped as she stared at me in disbelief. "He is so into you he may as well have it tattooed on his forehead." She cackled and punched me playfully on the arm. "And if you're shy you can always let him make the first move, he doesn't seem to have any problem taking girls back to his tent from what I've heard." She sipped her drink and glanced at me judgmentally.
"It's not that easy." I groaned. "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm nervous. I'm not like you, I can't just walk up to him and be like 'hey why don't you take me back to your tent and ravage me?'" As I got the last words out, we descended into a fit of laughter that lasted for a long while. By the time we stopped, I was clutching at my sides and Raven was crying.
"Oh god, you have no game!" Raven snorted, before forcing herself to speak evenly again. "I'm not that confident either, not really. The most important thing, especially the first time, is the illusion of confidence. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and is determined to get it." She advised and I stared back at her in amused disbelief.
"The problem is, I didn't know what I wanted when it counted most." I sighed and she tilted her head at me. "He already tried to make the first move and I ran out of there like the tent was on fire." I admitted, noticing that this was significantly less embarrassing to discuss with the addition of alcohol. Raven visibly facepalmed in reaction. "Look, I didn't want to be just another conquest. If I'm gonna be with someone, I want it to mean something." I added defensively and she shrugged.
"Then make sure that he knows you are the best he's going to get. Keep him coming back for more." She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and I snorted in laughter. "Next time you see him, just walk up to him, grab his shirt, pull him down to you and kiss him until he can't breathe. I personally guarantee you that he'll do the rest." She winked at me and then made finger guns, causing herself to snort at her own hilarity.
"Yeah, right." I chucked under my breath, rolling my eyes at her.
"Indie, you just need to get that man into bed before he stops trying with you." She warned, downing the last of the moonshine and fixing me with an analysing look. "Anyway, now that Bellamy's off the table, I need to figure out who to bone Finn out of my system with." She thought aloud. I sniggered in response, enjoying her frank attitude. I always knew with Raven that what you see is what you get and after all the drama and lies recently, I appreciated that about her.
"You know, you and Jasper have pretty good chemistry." I suggested causing her to smile deviously.