Distance

The days all meld into one as we continue on our house calls. Julian shadows every one of my appointments, but rarely does he intervene. I almost forget he is there sometimes, completely preoccupied with the patient before me.

For lack of a better word, I've learned to cope. Though I do so through being completely numb. It might not be the best way to deal with the trauma that I am assaulted with on a daily basis, but it's all I can do to protect my own sanity.

I'm afraid it has bled into other parts of my life. I definitely do not laugh or smile as frequently as I used to. As infrequently as I see my aunt now, I know that she can tell something is different. Julian has definitely noticed a change in my demeanor : he still does joke with me, but when my responses are less playful, he quickly drops his provocations.

Fight it as I may, I find that I am thinking of Asra more when I am curled up in my bed. It's like my soul is begging for me to feel something again, and this is the way I can allow myself to succumb to the pervading sadness around me.

I want to forget him, but I cannot. I can push him out of my mind in the bustle of the day, but he creeps back up on me in my final, silent moments of the night. I want to be free of the memories of the taste of his lips, the tingling that ran rampant in my entire body under his touch… how wonderful I felt surrounded by him and his impressive aura. Whenever I awaken in the morning, I cannot help but feel engulfed by a lingering sense of longing and loss.

Julian had a meeting at the palace this evening, so I am manning the clinic on my own again. Not that we have many patients come in anymore. Most of our consultations are now restricted to house visits. I go over the paperwork on the patients I have seen over the past week, verifying that everything is in order. Once that is done, I begin to draft my weekly report for him, comfortably settled behind his desk. Since he's not here, he can't mind me using his chair. It's the best one in here.

I hear the bell of the door chime as it opens, followed by the lazy thumping of Brundle's tail on the floor. Julian has arrived, then. I stand up just as he walks into the office, Malak zooming in from behind him. He spots me at his desk and grins.

"Stay. You look like a natural behind there."

I smile timidly before gathering my things and moving out from it. "How did it go at the palace?" I ask.

He seems to be off-put by my question for a second before breaking back into a grin. "It was… fruitful." He pulls out an envelope from under his arm and hands it to me. I take it and turn it around. The royal seal is stamped into the wax. I look up at him in surprise and he nods encouragingly.

I gently undo the seal and pull out the parchment from inside. Opening it, I see it's a certificate with my name on it.

"You're officially recognized as a plague aid, assigned to work under the centralized efforts of the palace." His eyes twinkle. Is he… proud?

I examine the certificate for a while. It feels bittersweet. Which I don't understand. I am definitely thrilled at this sense of accomplishment... but why do I have the feeling that this means things as they are will come to an end?

"What does this all mean?" I ask him hesitantly.

"You'll still report to me, along with a few other aids working with patients in the city. But I no longer need to be over your shoulder at the consultations." He beams at me. "You'll be completely independent."

Completely independent… "How will that change how we work together?"

"Well," he begins cheerfully, before stopping and sighing, his enthusiasm suddenly quelled. "Things are going to change quite a bit, actually."

Ah. That's where my sense of foreboding was coming from.

"All of my time will be dedicated to a new assignment in the palace." He sighs again before meeting my eyes. "I will no longer take consultations in the clinic, and my house visits will be relegated to the aids working under me."

I feel a deep, sinking feeling overcome me as the words hit my ears. Once I finally process them, I have to know. "How will I still report to you?"

"Well… letter correspondences."

Ah. Of course.

I let out a puff of air, trying to lift the heaviness that I suddenly feel on my heart. Julian has become such a constant and steady presence in my life… I am not sure how I'll feel without him by me. How will I handle being left alone again?

I feel my mind wander back to Asra and forcibly put a stop to it. No. This is different. Julian's still here and I can get in contact with him whenever needed.

"When does this whole change come into effect?" I ask him.

"As of tomorrow."

We both lock eyes again. I can see regret mirrored back to me. We had gotten used to our dynamic. The familiarity and warmth of it... the security in our interactions.

I'll miss it, and I have a feeling he will too.

"That means, starting tomorrow, our patients are solely my own? I will be doing all my rounds without you?"

"Precisely."

"And I won't be coming back here after them."

"No."

I had to have it reiterated to me, somewhere hopeful that I misunderstood. Or that it would change.

"Come," he says suddenly. "It's our last night before you are off on your own. Let's go for a stroll to blow off some steam."

I start to pack my bag with the things that I'll need for my treatments. I dress myself in my overcoat and my boots to allow some space for other things, like that bulky mask. I should have known Julian wouldn't make it easier on me, though. He starts frantically pulling books off of the shelf, shoving them into my hands and insisting that I keep them in my house for reference.

"Julian!" I exclaim after his fussing has gone on for too long. "I really appreciate this, but I can't take all of these, let alone carry them." The stack teeters and my arms tremble. I'm afraid I'll drop them at any moment.

"Ah, you're right. I'll pick out the most important ones." I place them on the counter and he goes through them once more to carefully select five. "Here," he says, handing them to me. When I grab onto them, he gently places his hands over both of mine. I meet his gaze, fully unflustered by his touch for the first time.

Thank you.

It comes from both of our hearts.

"Shall we head out, then?" he asks.

I nod. "Just one more thing." I walk over to the lethargic mass lying on her side on the floor. I pat her bulging stomach and move up to her face to give it one last caress. Her eyes gaze at me fondly now. "Good bye, sweet girl," I say. "Thank you for showing a newbie like me all the ropes." Her tail thumps in response.

I get up and follow Julian out of the clinic, turning back to give it a quick one-over. We had a good run. I hope to be back soon. Malak flies out behind us.

The air is cool and the setting sun touches every surface with a charming glow. I look at Julian's face out of the corner of my eye to see how his features appear under the light. Just as striking as I had imagined.

We wander without a true sense of direction or time, and end up at the marketplace. The stands are all closing down for the day. It's a peaceful sight in the sunset.

We pass Selasi beating his rugs outside of the bakery. "Kealla?" he asks, spotting me. "I was wondering where you and Asra had gone! It's been so long-" he cuts short, spotting Julian next to me.

I give him a strained smile, this place and that name evoking too many memories for me. I can't just leave him in the dark. "I'm sorry," I say. "I guess Asra didn't come to say goodbye but… he left a while ago."

He nods at me sympathetically. I can sense he feels the pain in my words and my rigid stance. "Here, kid. I have some bread I didn't sell today. Let me get it for you." He steps back into the shop and we wait. Julian doesn't comment or pry. The baker steps back out with two loaves in hand. "One for you, and one for your new friend." We both thank him and walk away.

When we are far enough, I hand my loaf to Julian. "Take it," I say. "I don't have much of an appetite for this anymore."

We continue meandering through the streets, savoring each other's presences, unhurried for the night to end. It becomes darker and the world becomes still. We stumble upon a garden hidden between buildings.

"Shall we?" Julian asks, turning to me. I nod and follow him.

It's beautiful. The insects have come alive at this hour and titter in the cool air. The light of the moon and the iridescent flowers in the trees illuminate the enchanting forms of all the plants and the marble statues surrounding us. I lean down to smell a lily. The sweet odor caresses my nostrils. I smile serenely.

"Would you like it?" he asks.

I shake my head. "If I were to cut it and take it away, it would miss its home and would shrivel up and die." I take one long sniff again, trying to imprint the smell to memory. "I would rather it thrive for others than keep it all to myself."

We continue walking and find a bench where we sit, giving ourselves a moment to gaze at the stars. I breathe languidly, finding peace in my heart as I am surrounded by the luxuriant life here. It's like the breeze is cleansing the sorrow from my soul while the crickets' chirpings drone the darkness from my mind.

"Kealla," Julian begins suddenly. I open my eyes to search for his. He doesn't meet mine. His demeanor is… different. Nervous. "Before we part ways tonight, I have to tell you how… just, what a gift it has been to spend so much time working with you." He stumbles over his words. I see him try to regather his breath. "The more time I spent with you, the more I realized how much I missed you when you were gone and I…" he trails off, nervously running his fingers through his hair. "I just want you to know, I care for you deeply. More than a doctor cares for his apprentice." He finally meets my eyes and I see a hopeful anxiousness in them. "And I am hoping to have the opportunity to show you just how much that means. If you are willing, of course."

I am completely shaken. This was unexpected. As the weight of the full confession hits me, I feel my heart beat frantically. This man… is too kind. I adore him. I want more than anything to be able to return that vulnerability to him ten-fold. To crawl into his lap and bring my lips to his again, this time, expressing my full and unrestrained desire through them.

But I cannot. Because my heart is still shackled to the one I loved before. And that would not be fair to either of us.

"Julian, I-" I falter.

His hopeful expression falls. "Right, silly me." He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. "I apologize for pushing all of this on you. I think my new role at the palace has made me overly rash and sentimental. Besides," he looks back at me sadly. "What would someone so young, so effervescent, want with an old and washed-up doctor like me?"

No. He can't take it like that. I grab onto his lapels in a panic. "Julian, please don't… it's not that." My voice cuts. Under his glum gaze I quickly feel the tears bubble up and pour from my eyelids. "It's not that at all," I whimper.

This is the first time I have cried in… I can't remember. Not that I've been far from sadness and pain. I just kept it on a short leash, prohibiting it from running away from me. But his vulnerability has broken through my defenses. I can't stop the tears from falling now.

He observes me cry for a moment, stunned. Tenderly, he brings two hands up to hold my face. "Oh my Dear, is it heartbreak?" he questions softly. He knows. A steadier stream rushes from my eyes in response. "If it is still affecting you after all this time, could it be your first?"

He's too smart. He always has been. He gathered the snippets I left lying around, and understood my deepest secret without me having to disclose anything. I nod meekly and sniffle.

"Darling, come here," he instructs. He gently pulls me onto his lap and into his embrace. I feel like a child, unable to control themself and their emotions. But I let him baby me. I feel so good to be completely engulfed by his long limbs. Locked into his strong and warm arms, I am safe from ridicule. I can exist in this space and express the sorrows I repressed in my heart, and he will defend me from the outside world. I dig my face into his neck and let the tears fall. I tremble against him, a few escaped sobs jumping out from me. The floodgates are open and I no longer have control. I will have to wait for the water flow to stop on its own.

After hiding into him for what feels like an eternity, the tears fade and I pull away from his neck to look at him through puffy eyes. I let out a small, bashful chuckle. Hearing that come from me, he lights up immediately.

"Julian," I grab one of his hands with both of mine, placing it to my heart, exactly as he had done for me that day in the clinic. "Thank you."

"For you? Anything."

He lifts me and places me back to his side on the bench. As we take a moment to ourselves, I wipe my face.

"Well, it's back to business, then," he states.

"Will I have to call you Doctor Devorak again?"

He scoffs. "I thought I made it clear that I would not hear of such a title between us. I am still Julian to you."

"Alright…" I give him a wry smile. "...Doctor Julian Devorak."

"Cheeky!" He exclaims. I see a laugh in his eyes that reflects my own. Unexpectedly, I feel lighter than I have in days. The tears washed away much of my gloom, and the laughter put me at ease. "Come, let's get you home."

I don't want to go. I don't want this to be over. But we both know that it must come to an end. For now.

I follow him as we move through the shadows of the city. The back of our hands momentarily brush as I move to his side. Timidly, I reach out and intertwine my fingers in his. His expression doesn't change, but his hand welcomes mine in response.

When we round the corner and stop in front of the Goldgrave shop, I feel a deep sense of regret. It only grows as Julian slowly drops my hand. Malak zooms over and settles on his shoulder.

"Well, this is it," he says, gazing deep into my eyes.

I nod, attempting a small smile. "Until next time."

I feel him hesitate before he softly places a hand to the top of my head and leans down. His lips tenderly press to my forehead. They linger for a few, fleeting seconds, before he pulls away. He straightens to his full height and gives me his signature grin. "You'll do great things."

My eyes follow him until he is completely gone. I exhale in the cool night air as I bring my fingers up to the spot where he kissed me. How long it has been since I felt affection like that. I feel my heavy heart flutter because of it.

Alone again, but not lonely. I think of the wonderful people I have met, and the love I have felt, however brief it may have been or seem. At the very least, I can carry these memories with me wherever I go.

When all this is said and done, and if everything goes to the way it once was... I sincerely hope that we will reunite. I only wish that we will meet in the vulnerability of the full truth of our needs and our desires, uninhibited by external griefs and obstacles.

I adjust my bag on my shoulder as I make my way into the shop. Tomorrow will be another day.

Author's note: Aaanddd... that's a wrap :') If you started on Severed Souls, welcome! Please feel free to read the much muuucchh shorter part two (Into the Arms of Death... and Life. Published before this, lol). Though beware : it is sad.

This whole thing was a wonderful experience for me. It's the first time I brought one of my longer projects to term, and even published it! I know now that since I've done it before, I can do it again. Because of that, it has given me new confidence as a writer to tackle longer stories.

Breathing new life into characters that I hold so dear has also been a real treat. And knowing that there are a few out there that have read my idea of them (and may have even liked it!), truly has warmed my heart.

For those of you that have come this far, thank you for joining me for the ride. It has been wonderful having you along for the journey. I hope to see you again.