Crowds were never his favorite, too loud and tightly grouped for him not to feel anxious, but like so many old beliefs that too had changed. He understood that he was invisible to the massive sea of people around him and that gave him more freedom than hiding away in some shack ever did. Izuku watched the flow of civilians pass around him with amusement, they were all ordinary people with lives and families who wouldn't look twice at him despite the scar on his face denoting some danger. He was a normal kid to these randoms, but there were a few in the mob that seemed unassuming if you didn't know what to look for, if you did then it became apparent just how deadly they were. Quick steps, rigid posture, focused eyes and more denoted lethal skill lurking below the surface of normality. Those people noticed him, some even recognized him but none bothered to harass him. After all, even monsters need a break every so often.
Maybe that's why he came here, to where it all began. The Kiyashi Ward Mall had been a place he started to frequent when his shift was done for nigh on a month. It was like stepping into a time for him, back to when he didn't know what evil he could commit. It was funny when he considered the reality of what had to happen in order for a single conversation to lead to where he was now. If only he didn't sit down at that bench he might still be at UA right now, graduating into the second year with his classmates instead of lurking around aimlessly until he was needed to do some awful act.
Izuku still couldn't really believe it when he saw the date, today was the first anniversary of his induction into the League and no one was closer to finding him. A whole year of murder, death and crime pasted yet no heroes located him, from what he heard even All Might gave him up for dead. He had truly been forgotten about, just like Dabi told him so long ago. It should have depressed him but for some reason he felt indifferent. He wasn't surprised however, his life was with these people now, whether he wanted it to be or not.
The idea of returning to his old life was a fantasy, one he thought more about when time came full circle. It hurt him to understand the reality of his situation but the pain wasn't for him, it was for the other members of the League. He knew that if they were just given the chance, they could become great heroes who knew what it was like to be harmed by people in power. Maybe if he could by some miracle convince All Might or Principal Nezu or that there was good in them, then he could give everyone the opportunity he had. A smile crossed his face when he imagined the look on Kacchan's face when he strolled back into 1-A with Himiko clinging to him, oh that would be so sweet. They'd laugh at the blond boy's expense before he'd hug the stupid bastard and delivered a nice left hook into his gut for old times sake. He could have his chance to live a normal life again and he'd get to keep his friends safe, but…
That could never work. Even if UA tried to rehabilitate villains like those he vouched for, it would just be a matter of time before everything went wrong. They were too wild for proper society, and taking away that freedom was worse to them then death. No, he couldn't have both and the sacrifice was made by his own hands. All that was left was to try and make a life out of the carnage, no matter the cost.
Although, he supposed that he was in a better place to make a life then UA ever was. Sure, becoming a hero guaranteed a paycheck, but it came at the price of slaving to a system that didn't care about the weak and he didn't have the proper structure to build any kind of life aside from hero work. Now he had a steady stream of income, a group of people who valued him for something more than a flashy quirk that wasn't his to begin with and to top it off, he had a girl who loved him like no other. Yes life didn't go the way he planned but it had a few nice things in the deal. Besides he knew deep down these fuck ups wouldn't survive a week without him and that simple fact made him happy.
A bit of pain ran up his spine when someone bumped into him as he walked among the crowd, spreading up from the side and contacting the rest of his wounds in a phantom cacophony of sudden flashes of memories that made him shudder with pleasure. He had no idea why he became so excited at the idea of receiving and inflicting pain but ever since his first time with Himiko, the once taboo habit was now something he looked forward to. The taste of blood on his lips and the warm touch of her skin...no he shouldn't think about that in public, it was wrong to imagine such disturbing things when he wanted to revisit his innocence. Though what he had before wasn't really innocence, it was naivete. The world wasn't completely black and white with the heroes doing good and the villains mucking it up because they were mentally ill or evil, he was told this since he could understand words but now after so much painful truths being forced fed to him, the whole idea of heroes and villains was just...stupid.
Why the hell did everything have to directly fall into those two categories when reality was filled with so much nuance? Izuku had seen people who worked as "Villains" sacrifice more for the wellbeing of the public then most Heroes, while the same costumed assholes stood by and watched horrible things because they were cowards. Yet the vast majority of mankind in this day and age were the same as any other time, not evil but not saintly either. Most people didn't care about the purity of heroes or changing the world because they had more important things to do, like feeding their families. Granted it did become their issue when those heroes make life harder for the common person. Maybe if Stain talked about the economic drain hero society had compared to systems of the past, he'd receive enough support from the masses to actually change things.
Yet, what did he care about changing the way the world runs? It suited him just fine with the way things were. Sure he'd like to limit the suffering most people felt but aside from his duty to the code he stood by, it didn't matter if people wanted heroes and villains or if they misinterpreted the two because he didn't care anymore. He lost interest on the top ten heroes when he had to worry if his friends were coming back home alive, he stopped giving a fuck about who talked bad about All Might after he had to take care of Moonfish, and he discarded his obsession with heroes when Himiko finally made him her own. That being said, he still wished to talk to his old classmates.
They always knew how to handle things and could probably help understand how he got to where he was, or more importantly why he enjoyed the things he does. Panic was one such emotion that happened after he embraced Himiko's tastes, it confused him and frightened him that he could even stand the things she did to him but why then did he love the way her teeth felt in his flesh and why did he rejoice in the way she contorted around him until he had no choice but to risk everything by clinging for dear life?
That was the sort of question for someone like Mina or Midnight, they were always more drawn into relationship topics. He confided in Moonfish and the answers he gave were very…educational, but not what he was trying to find out. A small part of him wanted to ask his mom for advice on why he loved Himiko despite all the awful things she does. Not that he'd be able to finish the first sentence before his mom started screaming at him for letting her do something like carve her initials into his chest with her fingernails while he… yeah his mother would not approve of his relationship at all.
Hell, Izuku considered how everyone he knew from back then would think of what he did in his free time. Sure the more graphic parts only made up five percent of what he had with Himiko but when even other villains are telling you to reconsider your actions, that's a tell tale sign that things are not healthy. UA would probably throw him into a psych ward for half of the stuff he did and that wasn't even including the crimes.
It started small with the games she wanted to play but in the slow course of time they had done such depraved things to each other that if someone had merely suggested what transpired between them, he would have thrown up. That girl was insane and dangerous but the way she made him feel more than made up for any risk. She was his only family after all. Yet their sessions of pain and pleasure left a strange emptiness in his chest when he considered what transpired. This wasn't supposed to be who he was, he was meant to be normal with a partner who didn't enjoy hearing him scream out in agony when she tore at his skin with fangs so sharp that it could pierce muscle.
Izuku knew who he needed to talk to and perhaps he very well could pull the right strings to make a private meeting happen but he knew that All Might would never see him in the same way once the truth was known. The shame would be too much to carry on his already blackened soul. He shook his head as the inner thoughts passed by in a storm of emotional turmoil, this was so simple yet so goddamn confusing. All he had to do was accept his fate and be happy with what he had but no matter the depths of criminality he was led down or the disturbing amount of depravity he partook in, there was always a voice in the back of his mind telling him that he is going to pay unless he fought back against this.
Izuku shook his head to clear the ideas from existence, he had the day off and Himiko for once didn't beg him to stay so they could bond even more. No shame or doubt should ruin the rare chance to be on his own.
Time crept by at a snail's pace as he wasted his precious hours on window shopping to avoid the gnawing voices of doubt that slithered back to his conscience. He continued to tread in this materialistic purgatory with other lost spirits who all grappled to control their own issues for what seemed like forever until he heard a voice that destroyed his mental turmoil and transformed it into something so much worse.
A few meters from where he stood was his entire class all huddled around a table while Kacchan shouted about some kind of bet he made with Mina. Here they all were as if he created a spell with all his negative emotions that summoned the very people that could judge him. Everyone looked so different from the last time he saw them, some like Mineta had grown, others had new fashion styles while most were packed with muscle. He didn't even recognize some of them until he remembered their quirks.
Why now of all fucking times did this have to happen? What was he even supposed to do in a situation like this? His mind didn't understand but his body did as he found himself making a b-line for them. This was his chance to go back and be normal again, he could go back to when he was naive about all the awful things in the world, he could forget all the bad acts he'd done and he could finally get help. All he had to do was move a few more meters.
Only if his legs would move again. His body felt numb as he got closer to all the people he let down, Izuku tried with all his strength to force the life back into his limbs but nothing happened. He merely shook in absolute terror at the heroes who would save him. Did he really want to throw away everything he worked so hard for when all he got in return was a status quo that left him a babbling, neurotic mess? What would they even do if he walked up to them and asked for help? Given the fact he had murdered more "heroes" then Stain at this point, they would more than likely lock him away for daring to fight against actual evil. But even still he took one step forward as he fought back the urge to run back to the group that kidnapped him. He needed to join-
A light shined brightly on a panel of glass directly to his left, cutting off his actions with its blinding rays. Izuku quickly recovered his senses as he gazed back into the window for a moment and what he saw staring back hit him harder than any punishment. His face reflected off the window, giving him a full view into just what he'd become. Dark rings nested under his bloodshot eyes as if to expose the nights of sin he brought upon himself all in the name of pleasing his partner while the faded white of the scar bisecting his face added to the ghostly paleness of his skin. The ugliness had finally seeped out from his soul and began changing his body.
Izuku turned back to his classmates as a strangely warm depression lifted him up. They all looked so happy living the lives of celebrities and who was he to ruin that with his problems when he was perfectly content with his new lot in life? Better to leave them on their own than rush in to destroy the thin veil of innocence that kept them pleasantly ignorant of the evils of the world. Besides, he had sacrificed and suffered too much to stop his work when there was more work to be done.
"Come on Shitty hair, you can't agree with Bug Eyes that I lost when I won by a fucking inch! That whole race was mine to begin with!"
Katsuki shouted light heartedly with all the pent up laughter threatening to explode out at the smug grin his pink skinned classmate was shooting his way. He had come to relax at Round Face's insistence after he nearly tore a muscle overworking his lower body, she was always on his case about overdoing it and in a way he was glad for her giving a fuck about him. It made him feel a little better when he wasn't trying to shut off his mind and stop seeing that green bastard in his head. He had been the one who could have saved him, but he was too fucking slow to stop that goddamn monster from taking Deku and doing gods know what to him. The burning in his arms was one of the few things that stopped his thinking and brought him to a numbness that silenced his brain. When he heard from that cat bitch that Shigaraki wanted to capture Deku, Katsuki knew he had to move or the stupid dumbass he grew up with was dead but if only he was stronger then he wouldn't have an empty seat mocking him with his largest failure. He was supposed to be the greatest hero ever, yet he couldn't save the weak kid who followed him around like a dog for most of his life. How many nights did he lay awake while guilt battered him? How many fucking nights did he wake up in a cold sweat because he kept seeing that same worthless kid dead with his body fucking ruined. All because he was a few seconds too late.
But right now he was with his friends and nothing he could do would help get Deku back until he figured out where those fuckers were keeping him. A year had passed and the only thing anyone could find out that could be linked back to the League was that inferno in Tokyo, the cops kept finding heroes with that same calling card carved into the skin of their chest and it pissed him off. He had studied the information regarding the League but none of them had this type of MO, there wasn't any reason behind the killings other then the victims being heroes and most weren't high rank enough to be of any real worth for the effort put into the executions. It was like someone wanted to make a point but didn't leave a manifesto except for Native's killing. Was the threat directed towards All Might or was there as a warning for some perceived wrongdoing the hero committed? No, the more likely idea was that some lunatic wanted to emulate the Hero Killer and chose a random target. Still something about that calling card the so called "Grinning Slasher" left behind made a pit form in Katsuki's stomach for some unknown reason. He reviewed all fifty slayings multiple times and that fanged grin seemed to mock him with the way it invited a challenge. Oddly though the victims weren't slashed or stabbed that often when compared to how many had their lives ended by blunt force trauma or a bullet wound. Whoever this guy was, he enjoyed gore if how he left the people he killed was any indication of what went on in his head.
He sighed when he noticed how Round Face was looking at him, he had started analyzing again without realizing it. He was acting like Deku again and it pissed him off. All he needed to do was forget for a while until it was time to train. He took a swig of his drink and leaned back into his seat as he half heartedly listened to his classmates, trying his best to forget the guilt. Katsuki felt his eyes start to wander around the crowded area of the mall, gazing at anything to entertain him while he blocked out the chatter. He saw extras eyeing him with envy and respect but he paid them no mind, he was more concerned with avoiding the bullshit of life. Until he spotted someone a few meters away in the back of the mob.
It was Deku.
Emerald green eyes met fiery red in mutual shock when they both realised the other could see them clearly. Katsuki stared dumbfounded at his oldest friend, the scars dotting his face brought even more dread as Izuku looked at him with something close to fear. Ten agonizing seconds passed as they stayed unmoving by the complete disbelief that held them, all the while locking wide eyes with each other. Izuku was the first to react by tugging in the hood of his jacket and walking deeper into the crowd, then it all exploded.
Katsuki felt his fingers go limp as his drink fell to the floor, the realisation of who he saw finally registering. He leaped up from his chair and sprinted with all the strength he had after Deku. Pain ran up his sides as he continued to push himself past his limits, the sore muscles in his legs begging him to stop. Nothing could get in his way, he wouldn't allow it. His classmates shouted after him while he shoved anyone in his path as he followed Deku's grey hoodie like a lighthouse in a sea of people. The urge to use his quirk was strong but he could risk harming the innocent people around him so he continued to chase the person he needed to save with all the pent up emotion driving him forward despite the intense pain. Katsuki wanted to shout yet he couldn't as tears started to well up from his eyes and his throat became dry. He ran and ran until he left the mall, scanning the area for his lost mark. Thankfully he saw the grey hood turn down an alley right before it disappeared down the dark lane.
Sweat rolled off him as he reached the entrance into that little slice of hell that tore at any defense he had to stop his feelings from overwhelming him. Katsuki stood up straight as he saw what waited at the other. Izuku was a few steps away from a swirling black vortex that would take him back to those animals. All hesitation vanished as his mind came back into power, Katsuki knew what he needed to do. His neck strained with the force of the words leaving his lips as he ran to his classmate.
"Deku wait, let me fucking help you!"
Izuku stopped for a moment, his head now bare to the world as the hood came down. He turned back to the blond barreling towards him and smiled before he entered the portal, leaving nothing but a brick wall to greet Katsuki's panic as a fist was thrown into the masonry.