Chapter 25: John Phoenix Arrives in Khurain

Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean...

Miles Edgeworth, who was a man who was a prosecutor who was also a military prosecutor who was also Chief Army Lawyer and who was also flying a triplane, was staring up in awe at the strange stars in the night sky. He had never seen anything like what he was now seeing visually.

"I've never anything like it," said Miles Edgeworth, referring to the strange message spelled out by the stars, which had been rearranged by some unknown force to spell out "S.O.S".

"I'm pretty sure that's called a constellation, I think," said Matt Engarde. John Phoenix tweaked his nose for speaking out of turn and being stupid.

"Matthew, what we are now witnessing is hardly what can be termed a 'constellation,'" scolded John Phoenix. "Use that wad of chewing gum you call your brain and THINK! Constellations are things like the Big Dipper, or the Little Dipper. They are not words, or more accurately letters, arranged in the sky. No; this is a message. No; this is a cry for help."

"I agree with your assessment, John Phoenix," replied Edgeworth. "But who sent out the SOS star signal?"

"Hmph hmph hmph... obviously it must be someone with the ability to move the stars. Also it must be someone in the SKY."

Edgeworth nodded slowly. "That makes logic... to be able to move the stars, whoever did it would have to able to move the stars, and be in the sky."

"Exactly," said John Phoenix. "And since the moon was nuked by the United States last year and all human life on the moon was wiped out, the stars couldn't have been rearranged by star-moving technology on the moon, thus the SOS must be coming from HEAVEN!"

Everyone was impressed by how quickly and effortlessly John Phoenix had solved the mystery.

"Impressive work, my boy," complimented Merlin. "God must be in a spot of trouble. Oh my, I hope it's nothing too serious," he added worriedly. "In all my years of friendship with God I've never known him to send out SOS signals with stars!"

John Phoenix psychically took control of Shelly de Killer's hand and used it pat Merlin on the shoulder. "Fret not, Merlin," said John Phoenix, "I'll just contact Maya Fey and have her channel someone to confirm what's going on in heaven."

Merlin's heart skipped a beat. Fey? Could this Maya be a relative of his old flame Morgan le Fey?

Before Merlin could think any more thoughts, John Phoenix interrupted him by frowning and saying: "Hmph, that's odd, I can't make contact with Maya Fey. Her mind is closed to me. She must be sleeping or perhaps in an alcoholic stupor." He shrugged. "Oh well, it hardly matters. I'll try again later. God can handle himself."

"Maybe this star thing is just a prank," offered Matthew. "I mean, God's always playing pranks on people in the bible." John Phoenix punched him in the mouth for disrespecting the bible.

"Matthew, be quiet," said John Phoenix. "You don't deserve to have a bible name. Be quiet."

Suddenly there was geomagnetic storm and the plane's navigation system went haywire!

"Oh no!" cried Edgeworth. "Now how will we get to Khurain?"

But then the bullet containing Mary Wright's soul started pulling against the chain around John Phoenix's neck, so he slipped it off and she darted ahead and guided the plane toward Khurain. She knew the way because she had served as a nurse there before she had been fired for getting pregnant.

"Nice job, mother," said John Phoenix, and the bullet flitted around happily.

"Your mother's soul guiding us to our destination is truly a miracle of God, John Phoenix," remarked Edgeworth.

"Oh, that reminds me," said John Phoenix, "I have to send a telepathic communication to my cousin and remind her to say her prayers. Her soul is constant danger of going to hell when she dies because of her magic shows." He closed his eyes and pressed a finger tip against his temple. His brow furrowed. "Oh? Again?"

Miles glanced over his shoulder. "What is it, John Phoenix?"

"Nothing much, Miles, apparently there's been a murder at the orphanage and my cousin has been arrested again," said John Phoenix. He remembered something. "Oh, by the way, why is my cousin's last name 'Wright'? According to my research, when my uncle adopted her her father wasn't dead, merely on the run. Shouldn't she have kept her father's name? Why did she take my Uncle Phoenix's name?"

"Oh, that's because he married her." Edgeworth saw John Phoenix's shocked and disgusted reaction in the rearview mirror and chuckled. "Oh, don't worry, he didn't do it for any immoral reason. It was simply a marriage of convenience. You see, after Zak Gramarye disappeared and Trucy was left alone in the world, Wright tried to adopt her, but the government is justifiably wary of letting single, childless, forging men with hippie haircuts adopt children. Marrying her was the easiest way to obtain legal guardianship. She's technically Mrs. Wright."

So now you know why her name is Wright.

John Phoenix shook his head in righteous indignation and disbelief. "What a strange, bizarre little fellow my uncle is! I, John Phoenix, would never marry a child." Just one more reason why John Phoenix is better than Phoenix Wright. He's also 2 cm taller.

"Well," replied Edgeworth, "as my sister would say, he is a foolish fool! Now what's this about a murder?"

"It's hardly worth mentioning further, Miles. I'll simply arrange to have my friend Marvin Grossberg represent her." 1 second passed. "It is done. Now, onward to Khurain!"

The plane flew bravely through magnetic storm, and the rain, because it was also raining, and followed the tiny bullet to the strange foreign country...

Meanwhile, in heaven prison...

A shadowy figure entered Godot's cell. Then another shadowy figure entered the cell.

(These are different shadowy figures from the ones in the last two chapters, by the way.)

"Who are you?" Godot barked. "And why the hell am I in this godforsaken cloudless prison of bricks!"

One of the shadowy figures stepped forward into the rays of light slanting through the window (it's always daytime in heaven) and revealed himself to be Damon Gant! And then the other figure stepped forward and he was also Damon Gant!

"What!" shouted Godot. "Two Damon Gants at the same time!"

"Shut up," said Damon Gant, and he hit Godot with an object and he resumed not being conscious.

"Hahahaha!" laughed Damon Gant and Damon Gant.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles...

Spark Brushel was silhouetted against the full moon, jumping across huge gaps between buildings on his way to the police station to report the terrorists. Suddenly he noticed the City Hall building across the street.

"Hmm," mused Spark, "maybe I should take this directly to the mayor himself, make a dramatic entrance! And maybe I'll eat him out about how I've been unfairly blacklisted and beaten up for trying to feed myself." His eyes sparkled and he spread out his hands. "I can see the headline now... 'Freelance Journalist Stops Terrorists, Eats Out Mayor', end quote."

He shimmied down a water pipe and ran up the steps to the building and burst through the doors.

"Get me the mayor, ASAP!" he shouted, waving the photos over his head (they were taken with an instant camera). "I have pictures of terrorists!"

The clerk gawked at him. "Huh?" Spark grabbed him by the tie.

"I said ASAP, man! Do you need me to spell it out for you? A, S, A, P! That spells ASAP!"

The clerk picked up a telephone. "Sir, there's a dirty street hooligan here raving about terrorists... he has photos... should I have security throw him out...? No...? I shouldn't? What's that? Don't kick him out...? Send him up...? Now...? Stop repeating everything you say...? You damned idiot...?"

Moments later Spark was shown into the mayor's office. A police officer was dumping the contents of a garbage can onto the desk.

"Here's all the food we liberated from the homeless masses today, sir."

The Mayor rubbed his hands. "Good work, son, good work. You're excused." The cop left.

"Now what's all this about terrorism, son?" asked the mayor, digging in with a fork and knife. "You have, ah, pictures?"

Brushel threw the pictures onto the desk. The mayor looked them over.

"I also overheard the terrorists say they had a dead body in the trunk of their car," said Spark. "I can show you where it is."

"That won't be necessary." The mayor picked up the pictures and threw them into the fireplace!

"Hey, sir, why'd you do that?" asked Spark.

"Because I'm a terrorist, son," said the mayor.

"!" said Spark. "I will tell people you said that."

The mayor smiled evilly. "I will just say you are lying. I will say I did not say that. Also, you will not get the chance to say that I said that." He activated a silent alarm and two guards came out from behind revolving bookcases and grabbed Brushel's shoulders. He gulped.

"Take him to prison, boys," said the mayor.

"Y-you can't do this!" cried Spark. "I have rights!"

"Rights aren't for garbage-dwelling scumbags like you. Besides, you've committed a crime."

"Me? C-c-crime? Absurd! Surely you jest, sir!"

The mayor took a gun out of his desk with a napkin and threw it at Spark, who caught it, confused.

"Uh oh," sneered the mayor, "it seems your fingerprints are on that gun. I don't believe you have a permit to carry one, especially not on government property. Arrest him on weapon charges!"

Spark raised the gun and pulled the trigger, but nothing came out of the gun except "Click!"

"Make it attempted murder, too," yawned the mayor, going back to eating garbage.

"NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!" howeled Spark as he dragged away. The mayor chuckled and did the KRA salute.

The next day... Khurain...

Klavier Gavin was lounging in a hammock outside a house near the rice paddies. The peasants had taken Ron DeLite in because it turned out Ron's head really WAS falling off and he was too weak to go on. Klavier insisted that he and his men stay behind and be housed and fed as well, because his motto was "No man left behind!"

He was wearing a fuzzy robe which used to belong the peasant dad who got killed by the laser, and he was also wearing cool shades and flipping through a magazine while sipping lemonade.

"Mein Gott, Will Powers is reprising his role in the upcoming Steel Samurai movie? Oh, spare me. The last thing I want to watch is some, what, 80 year senior citizen push his walker around Neo Olde Tokyo looking for the applesauce aisle. HARD pass. Get John Phoenix, THEN maybe it'll be watchable."

Suddenly a shadow fell over Klavier. He lifted his glass without looking up and clinked the ice.

"About time, Jessica, I could use a refill, ja?"

"Brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaainnnnnnnnsss..." the shadow moaned.

Klavier spun around in the hammock and landed on the ground! Standing over him was Jean Armstrong... as a zombie!

"BRAINS!" the zombie shouted. It lunged at Klavier but he somersaulted away and ran away!

"Johns! Woodman! HEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEE!" he cried as Armstrong chased him.

The windows of the house flew open and Max Galactica and Ben Woodman shot at the zombie! Pew! Pew! But it was no use; the bullets had no effect!

Klavier splashed into the rice paddies and ran over to the peasant daughter from earlier and hid behind her.

"Jessica, liebling, help me!"

The girl hit Armstrong with her peasant rice cultivation tool, but it bounced off harmlessly!

"Alas, Mr. Gavin, my peasant tool had no effect," Jessica said in a Khurainese accent.

"YOU'RE a peasant tool," he said harshly, then threw her to the ground and ran further into the field, the zombie in hot pursuit!

He almost got away but then he tripped on water and fell!

"BRAAAAINS!"

Klavier thought it was all over... but then he noticed a triplane in the sky!

"A triplane? Could it be...?"

Just then something fell from the plane and hurtled toward the Earth. It was... yes, it's John Phoenix on his custom motorcycle! John Phoenix landed on Armstrong's head and did a cool wheelie on his face. The spinning tire ripped all the skin off and then crushed the skull and the zombie's brain shot out of the head like a banana out of a peel and it sailed into the distance.

John Phoenix fired a grenade with his custom M16 and it embedded itself in the brain and the brain exploded in midair and chunks of brain matter went flying everywhere in a five mile radius.

"That's the only way to kill a zombie," explained John Phoenix, wiping brain juice off his aviators. Klavier couldn't help but think that John Phoenix looked like a knight in shining armor sitting on a mighty steed, except the shining armor was a green suit and it wasn't shining.

Then the triplane hovered low over the field. It could do this because it was a VTOL triplane. Edgeworth lowered a rope ladder.

"Need a lift back to base?"

Later... flying to Khurain City...

Klavier was oiled up and sunbathing in a speedo on the top wing of the plane. Ben, Max, and Ron were tied to the underside of the plane with ropes.

"Thanks for the save, Herr John Phoenix," he said, hair whipping around in the wind, sipping a gimlet. "Though I can't help but wonder... why was Jean Armstrong a zombie? That was weird."

"It's possible we'll never know, Klavier," responded John Phoenix. "All we may ever know about him being a zombie is that he was a zombie and I had to execute him with my motorcycle."

"Whoever raised him from the dead must be an expert in black magic," said Merlin. "I'm pretty nifty when it comes to magic, but not even I could do that!"

Just then Edgeworth pointed out Khurain City, the capital of Khurain. "Oh look, it's Khurain City, the capital of Khurain. We've arrived."

The city was a large city that looked like Los Angeles except it was different because the buildings were a different color and the roads were made out of dirt because Khurain is different because it's a foreign country. In the rear of the city overlooking it and poking into the clouds was the holy Khurain Mountain, one of the most famous Khurainese landmarks in all of Khurain because it's famous and holy in Khurain. In the center of the city was a huge palace that looked like a City Hall except it was bigger and looked like a palace.

John Phoenix grew determined as he observed the city. Because he had reason to be determined. Because he knew that to fulfill his mission he must be determined, because only by being determined could he determine the location of the magic pen, which he was determined to find so he could clear his uncle's name.

John Phoenix was determined.

To be continued...

BONUS EMOJIS

Mayor😯🎓

Clerk 😣

Zombie 👺

Jessica 👩