Chapter 21: Ellie

Minutes which felt like hours dragged on ever so slowly. My fellow lifeboat passengers around me sobbed quietly. The unease and tension in the air was so thick as we sat together, not knowing what to do next. How long would we have to wait? We had no food, no water. Was another boat really going to come in a matter of hours like they said it would? How long would we make it out here? It was so cold, I could have sworn ice had began to hang from the ends of my curls.

I couldn't block the echo of screams I heard far off in the distance. In the pit of my stomach, I feared some of those screams were coming from my little sister, Tommy, Jack, Fabrizio...I was trembling thinking about it.

I also wondered how we had let minutes go by without even bringing up the possibility of going back. Hundreds of people were fighting for their lives. If I was cold now in a lifeboat, I couldn't imagine how they felt being submerged in water. Doing nothing was absolutely sick. It felt like murder.

As Titanic sank, I gave up on rowing and had buried my head into my knees, holding myself tightly. I slowly lifted my head up, tears streaming down my face.

"We have to go back."

"They'll swamp us, m'am," Officer Lowe responded, "There is not much we can do."

"They're freezing to death out there," shakily, the tone of my voice had started to take a more aggressive tone.

"There are always casualties in disasters miss," Lowe expressed solemnly.

"With all do respect sir," I gritted my teeth, "My sister and the love of my life are out there. I am not the only individual on this boat that has someone they love screaming out there, scared and struggling to stay alive. Those are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children out there. They're not just fucking casualties of war," everyone around me was silent while Lowe was a bit taken aback by my language, "One of your crew members could be out there, or someone you very damn well care about. I'm ashamed how you could even say something like that. You're the one with the power to save the lives of these human beings. Didn't you take on this job to help others?"

"Part of the reason," he admitted.

"So turn the fucking boat around and save these people. Take your chance, and be the hero."

I said all I had to say. Lowe looked grim as he silently turned away, looking back towards the screams behind us. I looked away from him in disgust. I noticed how a few other lifeboats were floating nearby and like us, they were making absolutely no effort to turn back.

What in the hell was wrong with people?

"Right," Lowe had broken his silence, turning back towards us. In his face, something had changed. He had suddenly become a demon of energy, "Listen to me now, we have to go back!" I almost fell off the lifeboat in shock as he began to grab the attention of the other lifeboats, "I would like to transfer all the women from this boat to that boat please, let's get moving!"

I couldn't believe it. But time was still passing as Lowe had the nearby boats tied together. We were clumsily shuffled through, Lowe and the other officers attempting to briskly move us as quickly as possible. Dozens of women were transferred before I was finally told to move. I didn't realize how difficult standing was as I attempted to pass through. Lowe took my hand, helping me through, but hesitated for a moment before letting me go.

"What's your name, miss?"

"Ellie, sir."

"Ellie," he gave me a small smile, "Thank you for knocking some sense into me."

"Some people just need a little push," I said, "I know there's good in you."

At that moment, a woman in a shawl attempted to brush past me in a hurry. Suspiciously, Lowe quickly reached over, tearing the shawl off her head. It turns out, it wasn't a woman who stood before us.

"Jesus Christ," Lowe was angry, "Get in the boat, damn coward," he shoved him before helping me in, and got back to work.

By the time Lowe was finally on his way back, I noticed how much quieter it had gotten.

The screams. They had stopped. They were gone.

I wished for them back. The screaming meant life. The silence only meant death. At that moment I knew so many people had not made it. The worst case scenario I feared from the beginning of all of this had come to it's fatal conclusion. Chills had gone down my spine, a veil of eeriness had consumed me.

Once again, I felt as if I was going to throw up. I laid down, looking up at the stars, attempting to calm myself.

I had no closure. I didn't know where Rose was. I didn't know where Tommy was. I was so angry that he had forced me to get on this lifeboat. He could assume I was safe on here, but here I was left to assume the worst for him.

He would scold me for that, telling me to "settle down" in that thick Irish accent of his, and tell me not to worry about him. But I couldn't settle. I hated not knowing if he was ok, if he was even alive. It wasn't fair.

And Rose. I could guess she had made it back to Jack. But where the hell did they end up?

The uncertainty, the lack of control I had over anything harped at me. I was terrified of being alone, without Rose by my side, and without ever having the chance to experience a future with a man I actually fell in love with. I didn't know what I was going to do, what my plan was from here on out.

What I did know was that I didn't want to go back to Philadelphia, regardless of what losses I was going to have to prepare myself for. The life I had was gone after all of this. I was finished.

It was time to be my own person. No more was I going to be held down by the DeWitt Bukater name. After going through all of this, I craved a new beginning.

I stared at the stars, thinking of the endless possibilities for myself. Maybe I would settle in New York, find a job as a seamstress until I figured out what I really wanted to do, although I had absolutely no skills in anything. Perhaps I would travel to the west coast, or even venture back to Europe. Maybe even go see Ireland to confirm if it was as dreary as Tommy described.

Or maybe I would just die here tonight, and I would no longer have to worry about anything.

As time continued to pass with us floating out in the deep, dark abyss, I closed my eyes and eventually gave in to my exhaustion, drifting off to sleep.

Got out of work early, so I thought I would post an early update! As always, reviews are loved and appreciated! Thank you for reading!