So, this chapter is not at all like any of the other chapters I've written. I'm not sure how in character it is, but I think there could be a universe where they may react this way. Oh and I wrote it well before the finale, so it's not canon in the slightest.
««« ×ǁ CAN OPENER CHRONICLES ǁ× »»»
Even as she stares down at the little piece of white plastic sitting in her palm, she remains in utter disbelief, needing to check and re-check the instructions to verify the results.
She may have been suspicious enough to actually go out and purchase a test, but it was mostly just a precaution – she never actually let herself believe it could be true.
Given her age, she always assumed that if it were to happen at all, it would take some real effort and planning – doctor's appointments, ovulation tracking, lots of scheduled sex, and possibly even some procedures and hormones. Never in a million years did she think it could happen like this – completely on accident.
But, the double blue line staring back at her says otherwise. She's pregnant.
She's having a baby – they're having a baby.
After the wedding, they agreed that she'd stop taking her birth control, so technically, she knew this was a possibility. Still, where they weren't actively trying, she figured the chances were rather remote.
Yet, somehow, at the age of forty-four years old, she's pregnant.
She's just stunned – there's no other way to put it. She's been sitting on the edge of their bed, gripping that tiny piece of plastic, and gaping at the results for God knows how long.
It's just so hard to believe.
Even more than that, it's all completely overwhelming – the thoughts racing through her head, all the changes they're about to endure.
It's a lot.
She's absolutely clueless as to how long she sits there, her mind continuing to spin. It's not until the sound of her phone buzzing against her bedside table finally pulls her from her thoughts. Attempting to clear her head, she inhales a deep breath as she reaches for the device sitting atop her nightstand. As the phone vibrates in her hand, she turns it over to reveal Harvey's picture flashing across the screen. Just the sight of her husband alone causes her heart to pump faster, the idea of sharing this new development triggering a flurry of anticipation.
Her first instinct is to answer the phone and tell him immediately, already imaging his response to the news.
But, as she envisions his reaction, she quickly concludes that this kind of thing needs to be shared in person. As excited as she is to let him in on her secret, she knows it'll be that much better to experience it when they're together. More than anything, she wants to see the look of absolute glee on his face when she gets to tell him he's going to be a father.
And even though keeping this secret for the next six days, while he's away on his business trip, will be absolute torture – it'll be worth every agonizing moment when she gets to see his enthusiasm with her own eyes.
With the decision made, she finally picks up the call, lifting the phone to her ear. "Hey, you," she greets him, happily.
"Hey," he replies, using that warm tone of voice he saves only for her.
"How's everything going with Eli?" She questions, trying to maintain her composure as to not raise his suspicions. He may not have her observation skills and intuition, but he still knows her better than one might think. After all those years they spent working side by side, he's become especially good at knowing when she has a really juicy secret to share.
"Ugh. He's as infuriating as ever," Harvey remarks with a roll of his eyes. "It feels like I've been here for twenty-four days instead of twenty-four hours," he complains as he starts to make himself comfortable on the hotel bed.
"Poor thing," she says with a bit of a tease, unable to keep her eyes off the pregnancy test in her hand.
"I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to do this. I should've sent Alex," he comments as he leans back against the headboard and stretches his legs out in front of him.
"Pretty sure you were thinking that Eli's company brings in over ten million per year in billables and that he specifically requested you," she reminds him, finally placing the pregnancy test back on her nightstand. If she keeps staring at it like this, she's sure to burst out and tell him.
"Oh right… that," he quips, a chuckle building in his throat. "Still, I'm not sure how I'll make it a whole week out here," he gripes.
"You'll survive," she assures him.
"I wouldn't be so sure," he jokingly warns her. "Plus, we're newlyweds – pretty sure that means I'm not supposed to be spending this much time away from my wife," he informs her, a smile stretching across his lips as he says the word.
It's been a few months since the wedding, but they're still not completely used to the new terminology. It's basically a reflex – whenever the word husband or wife is uttered, they're both all smiles.
"Oh is that so?" She retorts, clearly amused, as she climbs fully onto the bed and gets comfortable, leaning on the pillows propped up against their headboard.
"Yeah," he confirms. "I miss you," he exhales, trying to ease the longing he feels in his chest. It's the longest they've been separated since getting together, and the first time they've been apart since the wedding.
Twenty-four hours in and neither one of them is handling it well.
Harvey had spent weeks working with Eli, hoping to avoid the trip altogether or at least convince him that everything could be accomplished in just a few days. But, he was persistent and adamant that the deal couldn't be rushed, forcing Harvey to book a seven-day trip. It was far too long to be away from Donna, if you asked him, but he had no other choice.
"I miss you, too," she says with a watery smile, already feeling emotional from just those few words.
Then, a brief silence falls upon them and she has to physically bite down on her lip to stop herself from spilling the beans, trying to remember that she doesn't even know for sure if she's pregnant and that it wouldn't be fair to get his hopes up.
"So, what are you wearing?" Harvey flirts, effectively saving her from the inner turmoil.
Laughter warms her throat as she rolls her eyes at her husband. Sometimes, he can be so damn predictable.
"Tell me," he implores, his tone low and teasing and causing an immediate reaction in her.
"Your Harvard t-shirt," she relays as she picks a piece of lint off the fabric.
"That it?" He asks, curiously.
"Yep," she informs him, popping the p as it leaves her lips.
Harvey simply groans in response, and she has to try hard to stifle a giggle. "You know how I feel about you in that shirt," he tells her, using that voice that always causes a stir between her legs.
"Oh I know," she playfully retorts, her mouth curving into a smirk. "If only you were here to see it," she quips, purposefully egging him on.
"Mmm… lucky for me, though, the image is pretty much burned into my brain," he relays. And she can practically hear how dark his eyes must be, through the phone.
"Oh yeah?"
"Mhm," he confirms. "Although, I would never say no to a picture if you want to refresh my memory," he says, the smirk on his lips evident just from his voice.
"Hmm… hold that thought," she instructs before extending her arm to take a selfie of herself lying in bed, wearing his shirt. Making sure to catch her bare thighs in the photo, she gives it a once over and then quickly sends it to him before awaiting his reaction.
The truth is, his Harvard t-shirt is old and loose-fitting and definitely not her most attractive nightwear. She's got much sexier options, but he's never hid the fact that the sight of her wearing his clothes has always done something to him. Every time she climbs out of bed and throws on one of his button-down shirts that just happen to be within reach, he gets this look on his face that he just has to have her – even when it's barely been ten minutes since the last time he did.
Harvey always makes her feel wanted – no matter what she's wearing, but there's just something about the way he looks at her when she's like this – naked legs and his shirt, that makes her feel even more desired.
"Yeah," he says, swallowing hard, his eyes tracing every inch of the photo. "My wife is hot as hell."
Donna hums in response, pleased with his reaction. "Now… what are you wearing?" She inquires, being purposefully flirtatious as she clues him in on exactly where this is going.
Another groan falls from Harvey's lips, and for the next twenty minutes, he's able to successfully distract her from the pregnancy test sitting less than a foot away.
(→→ ←←)
She barely remembers to lock the door when she gets home; she's in such a daze. She doesn't even bother taking off her makeup or brushing her teeth, instead just changing into a pair of sweatpants and her favorite t-shirt of Harvey's before sliding under the covers, pleading with herself to stop thinking and just fall asleep.
Except, she can't – the doctor's words on repeat in her head.
Apparently, it was a chemical pregnancy.
It had only been two days since she was in this same spot, that positive pregnancy test in her hand, and completely elated by the results. She couldn't wait to tell Harvey, knowing just how happy he'd be.
Not telling him has been even more difficult than she anticipated – she struggled throughout the day, wanting so badly to tell someone, but knowing that he had to be the first to know. She had made it through their conversation on Tuesday night, was able to keep her cool during their text exchanges on Wednesday afternoon, and hadn't spilled the beans when he called later that evening. She was physically counting down the days until he returned on Sunday, so desperate to share the news with him.
But then, this morning, she woke up to horrible cramping. And then, she started to bleed.
That's when she just knew.
She's heard it so many times – the risks of getting pregnant when you're over 35.
She'd be lying if she said she hadn't been concerned, but she had yet to even consider the fact that she could lose the baby.
Two days in and she was already attached. Those entire two days had been spent thinking up baby names and searching Pinterest for nursery ideas, looking up Lamaze classes and even briefly browsing baby clothes online.
When having a baby was just an idea, she knew she'd be happy if it became a reality, but she honestly didn't think she'd be this excited.
But she was, she really was.
And now, it's all gone. It's all been taken away, leaving her feeling so empty and lost.
Seconds away from a complete spiral, she's pulled from her thoughts as her phone vibrates against her nightstand. Glancing at the screen, her heart sinks as she's sees her husband's photo flickering across the screen.
She barely has time to think it through before her instincts take over and she silences the call, deciding she just can't answer.
He'll know the second he hears her voice and there's no way she can pretend right now. It's all too raw, it's all too emotional.
Suddenly, she's both relieved and distraught that he doesn't know.
The thought of having to tell him – of breaking his heart, is so devastating she struggles to even contemplate how she possibly could.
But, the idea of hiding this from him – of pretending that everything is fine, when it most certainly isn't… it's completely overwhelming all on its own.
The ding of her phone suddenly echoes throughout their bedroom, causing her whole body to flinch. Reaching for it, she quickly reads the message: "Hey, call me when you can. Missing you an embarrassing amount 😊."
It seems to be the last straw, bursting into tears and severing whatever control she had on her emotions, the moment she reads it. Suddenly, she's unable to hold anything back, getting to the point of hysterical in just a few seconds, it's not long before her pillow is completely soaked through.
She can't remember the last time she cried like this – she's not sure she ever has. She's just so distraught and broken and she's powerless to make any of it better.
More than anything, she just really wishes he was here. She wants to be wrapped up in his arms, his lips whispering reassurances into her ear, promising her it'll be okay.
She wants him to be home already.
But, she also really doesn't.
Because once he is, she'll have to tell him. And the thought of doing that, of witnessing the momentary elation be replaced with anguish, it only makes her cry harder.
No, she just can't. She can't tell him.
(→→ ←←)
His whole body is buzzing with excitement as he slides his key into the lock. It's only been a week, but it feels like he's been gone so much longer, and he truly can't wait to see her.
He missed her more than he can even explain, just so relieved to finally be home.
He's already decided that when the next week-long business trip rolls around, he's sending someone else – either that, or convincing her to come along, because being away like this is just not feasible for him anymore.
Walking through the threshold of their condo, he quickly drops his luggage by the door and calls out to her, just itching to see her as he makes his way further inside.
She doesn't respond, but he hears sounds coming from the kitchen and eventually finds her standing at the stove, facing away from him. Right away, something seems a bit off – her body language or posture, he's not sure. And then there's the fact that she's still not turning to look at him, apparently preoccupied with whatever she's stirring on the stove.
It's certainly not the welcome he expected after a week apart and barely any communication these last few days. Furrowing his eyebrows, he takes a few steps towards her, wondering if maybe she just hadn't heard him. Although, he's much closer now and she still hasn't turned around.
"Donna," he says, reaching out and touching her shoulder to get her attention. Except, the moment his hand makes contact, she immediately flinches from his touch, causing him to recoil. "Hey," he says, softly, quite confused by the reaction. Reaching out again, he runs a hand down her arm before gently tugging her towards him, so he can get a good look at her. "What was that?" He asks, the concern evident on his face.
"What?" She asks, pretending not to know.
"You… you flinched when I touched you," he explains as he gently rubs her shoulder. "Are you okay?" He questions, inspecting her for any clues.
"You just… surprised me, is all," she says with a vague shrug.
It's definitely plausible, but for some reason, he just doesn't believe her – the expression on her face not helping her case.
"Are you pissed at me about something?" He wonders, unable to come up with an alternative explanation. Given the lack of phones calls these last three days, it would make sense, but he doesn't have a clue what he could've done to upset her like this.
"No, of course not," she assures him as she reaches out to fidget with the collar of his jacket.
"Okay…" he responds, still searching her features. "It's just... you don't seem that happy to see me," he points out, somewhat hesitant.
A look of surprise flashes across her face, although it's gone just as quickly as it came on. Inching closer to him, she exhales a breath, lightly shaking her head. "I'm sorry," she apologizes, immediately feeling guilty for the less than subpar welcome she's given him. "I just had a really long day," she adds as she stands on her toes and wraps both arms around his neck. "But I'm reallly happy you're home," she says, forcing a smile on her face.
He's still somewhat suspicious – this feeling in his gut that something just isn't right, but he does his best to bury it, trusting that she would tell him if there was actually something wrong. Instead, he smiles back at her and leans in for a chaste kiss. "I missed you," he says, nudging his nose with hers.
"Missed you, too."
(→→ ←←)
They've always been so compatible when it comes to sex, both so oddly in tune with the other's wants and needs.
But tonight – tonight, something is off.
She feels tense in his arms and she's not responding to him the way she normally does – not responding much at all, really.
He's tried all of the things he knows she loves – sucking at that spot on her neck, nibbling on her ears, massaging her breasts, circling her clit with his thumb. None of it is working the way it should.
He has this feeling that her mind is somewhere else and no matter how hard he tries to get her in the moment with him, she remains so far away.
The thought of her not enjoying this – it's completely turning him off and he just has to stop.
As soon as he pulls away and sits back on his heels, she's throwing him a questioning look. "What are you doing?" She wonders, lifting her head off the pillow.
"Donna, you're obviously not into this," he tells her, his voice full of concern. "You're a million miles, away… what's going on?" He asks, as he slides his palms down her thighs, trying to soothe her and coax it out of her at the same time.
"Nothing's going on," she assures him, her voice just a touch too defensive, as she shakes her head. "I'm into it. Keep going," she encourages.
"Donna, c'mon," he sighs. "I know you," he reminds her, challenging her words with the lift of his eyebrow.
As she searches his eyes, she sees there won't be any convincing him and eventually concedes by blowing out a breath and bobbing her head. "I'm sorry, I just… it's been such a long day and I have this headache… I'm sorry," she apologizes, once again feeling guilty for not giving him the welcome he deserves.
And what's even worse is that she can see the obvious concern in his eyes and all she wants to do is shake herself out of this and be with him, but she just can't seem to do it.
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about," he immediately assures her as he leans forward and frames her face with his hands to reinforce the words. With his gaze focused on her, he waits until she meets his eyes and eventually responds with a nod of her head, before moving to settle beside her. As she rolls on her side to face him, he gently pulls her closer, sliding his palm down her back in an effort to soothe her. "Why didn't you just tell me?" He inquiries, genuinely confused.
Blowing out a breath, she needs a moment to try and find her words, having no idea what to say. "I… well… it's your first night back and… obviously, you were expecting sex," she explains with a shrug of her shoulders, the discomfort evidence in her voice.
And the look on his face – it's like he's absolutely appalled. "So you were – what? Going to have sex with me because you felt… obligated?" He questions, completely appalled by the thought. "Is that really what you think I want?" He presses, starting to get a bit agitated.
"Harvey, no, that's not…" she begins before shaking her head and starting over. "I wanted to," she assures him. "It's just… my body wasn't cooperating," she tries to explain. "But we… we could keep trying," she offers, letting her palm drift down his chest.
"Donna, stop," he says, placing his hand over hers to halt her descent. "You should just get some rest," he instructs. "Do you need some Advil or something?"
"I already took some," she declines. "Thanks," she adds, feeling sick to her stomach with how sweet he's being while she just openly lies to him. She's disgusted with herself, hating what she's doing, but she just doesn't have it in her to explain what's really going on. The thought of saying the words out loud and causing him pain – she can't even fathom it right now.
"C'mere," he says as he pulls her the rest of the way over, so she can rest her head on his chest. "I love you," he stresses while wrapping her up in his arms and placing a kiss on the top of her head as he gently rubs her back.
"I love you, too," she whispers, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill. She can hear the worry in his voice and she hates that she's the cause. She just keeps telling herself that whatever he feels right now is nothing compared to the way he'd feel if she told him the truth.
No, there's no reason to devastate him – to make him feel the way she does, right now.
She's got to keep this to herself.
(→→ ←←)
"And no one dealt with this while I was away?" Harvey questions Katrina, as the younger lawyer explains the situation that occurred with one of his clients while he was out of town.
"She refused to speak with anyone else," Katrina conveys.
"What about Donna? She loves Donna," he remarks. "Did you tell her what was going on?" He inquires.
"Well, I would have, but she wasn't here," Katrina points out. "And by the time she got back, she had so much stuff piling up and things had calmed down. Plus, you were going to be back soon, so I didn't really want to bother her with this," she explains.
"What?" He says with a frown, clearly confused.
"This is all happened during those two days she was out sick," Katrina clarifies.
Harvey is visibly surprised, but rather impressively schools his features before Katrina catches on. "Oh right, okay," he says, recovering quickly. "Well then, I'll give Morgan a call this morning," he promises. "Just leave the file, will you? I'm going to grab a cup of coffee first," he relays, not even waiting for a response before he darts down the hallway.
Having no intention of getting that cup of coffee, he makes a beeline for his wife's office, clearly wanting some answers.
"Hey," she says, briefly lifting her head to greet him as he walks through her office door, quickly closing it behind him.
"Hi," he says, the tone of his voice making her look up from her laptop again and meet his eyes.
"Something wrong?" She asks upon spotting the obvious tension in his body.
"Katrina just told me that you were out sick last week," he explains as he steps further into her office.
He watches as a strange expression flashes across her face – like she's been caught, and it's a rather unsettling sight. But, she neutralizes her features immediately, almost making him doubt what he thought he saw in the first place. "Oh," she sighs. "It was nothing," she assures him as she gets up from her desk and moves towards him, reaching out and straightening his tie. It's a clear effort to divert his attention, but he's not falling for it.
"It was not nothing," he insists with a shake of his head. "In all the years I've known you, you have taken exactly three sick days, and according to you, you were pretty much on your deathbed every time," he reminds her.
"It was just food poisoning," she assures him as she tries to quell the feeling of guilt that's bubbling inside her again – one that has become disgustingly familiar as of late.
She despises lying to him, but she's saving him from the unnecessary hurt that the truth would cause – it's the right thing to do, she just needs to keep telling herself that.
"Is this why you weren't calling me or answering my calls those last few days?" He assumes, as his hands find her waist. "And why you had a headache last night?" He continues, as it all starts to fall into place. "Why didn't you tell me?" He presses, seemingly starting to calm down a bit as her fingertips gently scratch at the nape of his neck in that way that always seems to relax him.
"Harvey, it wasn't a big deal. You were busy, I didn't want to bother you… or worry you. I was fine," she promises.
"Donna, you should have told me," he insists. "I don't care how busy I am. Nothing is more important to me than you are and if something is going on, I want to know," he declares, his eyes boring into hers.
"Okay," she agrees, her lips twitching into an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry," she adds before standing on her toes and giving him a kiss.
"Are you sure you're all right?" He questions, the worry still etched onto his face.
"I'm fine, I promise," she swears, the lie slipping out more easily each time she tells it.
(→→ ←←)
It's after eleven when she slips into the bathroom, having just gotten home a few minutes earlier. After peeking into their bedroom and finding him asleep, she carefully tiptoed around the room, in the hopes of not waking him while she changed into her pajamas.
As soon as she shuts the bathroom door, she exhales a breath, relieved that she won't have to face him, tonight.
Yeah, she's not proud of the thought, but she just needs a few more days to move past this and get back on track. And if she has to talk to him about it, it will just tear them both apart.
So, maybe she's been working late and purposefully avoiding him, and maybe she's a terrible person for doing it, but she just needs a little more time.
Trying to shake the thoughts out of her head, she pushes away from the door and starts to brush her teeth and remove her makeup, doing her best to keep quiet and not wake him.
When she's finally done, she carefully opens the bathroom door and is startled to find him sitting up in bed, waiting for her. Trying to control her reaction and keep the internal swearing to herself, she flashes him a smile and says, "hey."
As she takes a few steps closer and catches his gaze, she immediately knows that he's been awake this entire time. The way he's looking at her – it's making her feel like she's been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to be, causing this sinking sensation to grow inside her.
"Donna, it's eleven o'clock," he declares, clearly searching her features for something.
"I know, those worker's compensation audits took a lot longer than I expected," she explains, shrugging off the insinuation in his tone.
"Right," he mutters, obviously unconvinced. "And yesterday, it was the six month assessments for the associates, and the day before it was making sure everyone was compliant with their continuing ed requirements, and remind me, what was the excuse on Monday?" He asks, way past annoyed.
"Harvey…" She begins, too exhausted to argue.
"No, Donna – I know when someone is avoiding me," he maintains. "I just never thought that someone would be my wife," he adds, practically shattering her heart with how devastated he looks.
"Harvey, I'm not avoiding you," she tries to tell him as she sits down on his side of the bed, looking at him with those soft eyes. "I've just… I've got a lot going on at the firm," she insists.
"We've always had a lot going on at the firm, but it's never kept us from making time for each other," he points out.
And with that sad look in his eyes – she seriously hates herself right now.
"You're right – I'm sorry," she apologizes, placing her hand on top of his and giving it a squeeze. She feels like she's been doing nothing but apologizing these last few days – and yet, it still doesn't feel like enough.
"I just need a few more days to get caught up and then things will go back to normal," she vows, determined to keep her promise. "I just had a lot of work pile up when I was sick," she tells him, hoping it'll convince him.
"Donna," he sighs. "Are you sure that's all this is?" He questions, searching her eyes for the truth.
"I'm sure," she reassures him with a nod of her head.
She's got to get her shit together before it ruins her marriage.
(→→ ←←)
It's the middle of the afternoon and after an impromptu meeting with Harvey and Samantha, she's shifting her focus back to the large stack of resumes on her desk that need her attention.
Except, there are still a pair of eyes fixed on her, making it difficult to concentrate on the candidates.
Samantha waltzed out of her office only moments ago and she had fully expected her husband to follow, yet he hasn't moved an inch. Instead, he's still stationed in the chair across from her desk, just silently watching her flip through the various applicants.
She seriously considers just ignoring him, knowing that nothing good will come out of acknowledgment, but she knows she'll never be able to focus with him staring like this – and it's clear he's not going to leave until he gets whatever it is he came for.
It's been almost a week since their conversation and as much as she's tried to move on, she can admit that she's failing. She's been trying so hard to be less obvious with her avoidance, but it doesn't matter – he knows. And the knowledge that she's hurting him truly keeps her up at night, but she just can't seem to pull herself out of this funk.
There's been a pit in her stomach for days, and all she wants is to get through this and get her act together, but she has no idea how. And the last thing she wants to do is lie to him, so avoidance has seemed like the only option.
Still, she realizes it's not an actual solution. She's promised herself it'll only be temporary – but she keeps needing more time, and she just has no idea how to move forward.
Inhaling a breath, she decides that the least she can do is not ignore him while he's sitting just a couple feet away.
So, she lifts her chin to find him staring right back at her, his eyes searching her expression as the lines in his forehead mark his concern. "Did you need anything else?" She asks, curiously.
"Yeah," he confirms as a sigh tumbles from his lips. "I want to talk," he clarifies, sitting up straighter in his chair.
It's the last thing she wants to hear and it immediately puts her on edge. "Okay, it's just… I have to finish reviewing all of these resumes before my four o'clock meeting," she explains, hoping to dissuade him from whatever conversation he's hoping to have.
"Donna…" he says, his tone completely dejected in a way that cuts deep. "Louis cornered me in the kitchen, wanting to know what's going on with us," he informs her, his expression a mixture of frustration and fear.
"Nothing is going on with us," she argues, albeit not very convincingly.
"Seriously?" He scoffs. "How can you say that?"
"We're fine," she defends, already trying to refocus her attention to the stack of resumes.
"We are not fine," he declares, visibly upset. "And everyone can goddamn see it."
"Harvey…" she warns, her head snapping back up and her eyes wide. It's the middle of the work day and he's raising his voice, and she really does not want to get into this now – not at the office where everyone can hear them.
"You know, I barely even remember the last time we had sex," he declares, making sure to lower his voice back to a normal level. "It's been what? Over two weeks," he guesses. "We've never gone that long before," he points out, that disheartened tone making another appearance.
The response takes her by surprise, and in that moment, she has two choices – be honest and apologetic or get defensive and angry.
In her mind, there's only one choice.
"So, that's what you're upset about?" She snaps. "All you care about is that we haven't had sex?" She assumes, not suppressing any of the bite from her tone.
Honestly, she knows that it's a low blow and not at all the truth, but she'd rather be angry than delve into her grief.
"What I care about is that something is clearly going on with my wife and she won't talk to me about it," he retorts, completely offended, outraged, and hurt.
"Harvey…" she says, shaking her head as she stands up from her desk. "I can't do this right now," she stresses, already making her way towards the door.
"Then when?" He argues, not ready to let this go.
"I don't know," she exhales. "Just… not now… not here," she tells him before walking right past him, feeling completely overwhelmed as the pressure builds in her chest.
"Donna…" he calls after her, but she doesn't stop. Instead, she slips out of her office, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
(→→ ←←)
"I just… I don't know what happened. I came back from this business trip and suddenly, I feel like my marriage is in shambles," Harvey conveys as he closes his eyes and massages his temples. "She's being so quiet and distant and all of sudden, I feel like I don't even know my own wife," he continues. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've asked her a million times what's going on, but she just won't talk to me."
"Okay," Dr. Lipschutz nods his head as he scribbles down some notes. "And how was your relationship before you left?"
"It was… amazing… we had never been happier," he conveys, feeling confident in the answer.
It all feels so far away to him now, although he can still remember it so vividly – the bliss that rolled through him every morning when he woke up to that smile, the grin that would sweep across her lips when he'd try to entice her to stay in bed a little longer, the mischievous expression that would accompany her efforts to drag him into the shower with her, the bright eyes that would meet his when he dropped into her office unannounced, the extra sway in her step she'd tease him with as she waltzed away from his desk, the mixture of gasps and groans that would bounce off the walls in their bedroom after slipping into bed.
Things couldn't be more different between them now and it scares him more than he can even admit to himself. He just can't understand what's changed or why. It's the reason he called Dr. Lipschutz after their argument this afternoon – he just needs to figure out how to fix this before it all completely crumbles.
"And during your trip?" Dr. Lipschutz inquires, pulling Harvey from his thoughts. "Did you talk often?"
"The first few days, we talked every night, and it was… the same. We were great," he explains as he recalls their communications that week.
"And then?"
"Then… she stopped answering my calls… or when she did answer, she'd make some excuse for why she couldn't talk very long. We ended up texting more than actually speaking, but it… I don't know, it just didn't seem the same," he details. "And when I got back, she was an entirely different person – she won't talk to me, she doesn't seem to want much physical contact, if any – I just feel like we're completely disconnected."
"And you have no idea what prompted the change?" Dr. Lipschutz presses.
"No," Harvey declares. "I mean… she apparently stayed home from work because she had food poisoning, so that could explain why she wasn't really communicating the last couple days of my trip, but she didn't even tell me she was sick. I never would've known about it if one of the partners hadn't mentioned it in passing," he explains before a momentary pause, waiting for the doctor to respond. Except, Dr. Lipschutz is still scribbling on his notepad, so Harvey takes the opportunity to continue.
"I just keep trying to figure it out, I've been wracking my brain and I just… I can't help but think… well, there's only so many things that she wouldn't want me to know, that she would actively hide from me… and as much as I don't want to think that way, as much as I just can't believe she would ever do something like that… sometimes, I… I just can't help but wonder," he admits, his throat becoming dry and his chest getting tight in response to the thoughts flying around in his head.
"And what exactly are you wondering?" Dr. Lipschutz probes.
Not wanting to actually say the words out loud, Harvey shakes his head and turns the question around. "What else could it possibly be?" He inquires. "If you can think of any other plausible explanation, I would love to hear it… I just can't fathom another reason she would keep secrets like this," Harvey tells him, his heart pounding in his ears while his anxiety is through the roof.
"Okay, but jumping to conclusions is not going to solve the problem," he reminds him. "From everything you've told me about Donna, everything the two of you have been through, the trust you've always had – I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, don't you?" Dr. Lipschutz questions.
"Of course," Harvey agrees, without hesitation. "I mean…. I do trust her," Harvey assures him. "Even now. Even with all of these bad thoughts running through my head, I feel like there just has to be something else I'm not seeing… but then, there's also this part of me… the part that's always known that I never deserved her in the first place – that's the part that's terrified that maybe it is what it seems like and maybe I'm about to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me," he confesses as he tries to swallow back the emotion bubbling inside him.
"Do you think that's why you haven't really forced the issue? Why you haven't truly tried to get it out of her? Because you're afraid of the answer?" Dr. Lipschutz suggests.
"I don't know, I mean… I have tried to get her to tell me and she just… she keeps promising me that she's fine, or that we'll discuss it later, but then I bring it up and she shuts down," he explains. "How am I supposed to make her talk to me?" He presses.
"Well… instead of trying to get her to open up, I think you should open up to her," he suggests.
"What do you mean?" Harvey inquiries, uncertainty weaved into his expression.
"I mean, you should calmly sit her down and tell her how you're feeling, explain how this is affecting you," Dr. Lipschutz proposes. "Going on like this… it's not healthy for either one of you," he points out.
"I know," Harvey agrees as he runs his fingers through his hair. "I know."
(→→ ←←)
Walking into their bedroom, later that night, Harvey finds her already tucked into bed, reading a book. Taking a deep breath, he tries to prepare himself for the conversation they're about to have as he walks through the threshold.
It's now or never.
"Hey," she greets him, casually, without lifting her eyes from her book.
"Hey," he replies while making his way across the room and over towards her side of the bed. "Can I talk to you about something?" He asks, gently.
Lifting her gaze off the words on the page and meeting her husband's eyes, she spots the seriousness in his expression, causing a pit to grow in her stomach. "Okay," she agrees before folding down a corner to mark her place, shutting the book, and placing it on her nightstand.
She watches as he takes the last step towards her and sits himself down beside her, on the edge of the mattress. He looks nervous, but she can't decipher any more than that, and the whole situation is putting her on edge.
Making himself comfortable, and delaying this discussion just a tad longer, he scoots a dash closer, allowing his hip to graze her thigh. Once he's all settled, he reaches out for her hand, just needing her touch to ground him.
"What's going on?" She asks, suspiciously, after too many seconds have gone by without an explanation.
Blowing out a breath, his eyes land on her face. "You tell me," he encourages, softly.
By now, it's a reflex. She gets defensive before she can even truly think it through. "Harvey, I told you, I'm fine," she insists, pulling her hands from his grasp.
"You're not fine," he argues with a shake of his head, while doing everything he can to maintain his composure. "You haven't been yourself since I got back from DC and I just… I need you to tell me why," he implores, the desperation clear in his voice. "You're quiet and unhappy and distant all the time," he adds after she fails to respond. "Lately, it's like my own wife barely even wants me to touch her," he proclaims. "You've… you've been pulling away from me and I just… I feel like everything I do is wrong and I have no idea how to be right, anymore," he declares, his expression full of anguish and distress. He waits a beat, hoping to get a response, but when she remains silent, he continues with one last plea. "Donna, I need you to talk to me. I can't keep going on like this. I can't focus at work and, at home, I'm… I'm miserable – we both are," he stresses, pleading with her to let him in.
It only takes a few seconds of him frantically searching her eyes for clues before she finally breaks down. Suddenly, all the tears she's been holding back these past two weeks start to flood her eyes and uncontrollably fall down her face as her heart overflows with regret.
"Donna…" he says, as he uses his thumb to try and wipe some of the tears away. "Please. Just tell me what's wrong," he begs as he inches closer to her. He wants so badly to comfort her, but given recent events, he hesitates, unsure if it's what she wants.
Even with her eyes full of tears, she reads the hesitation immediately and it only makes her feel worse. Needing him close, she throws her arms around him, quickly hiding her face in his neck as she continues to cry. Feeling a small amount of relief from the move, he wraps her up in his embrace, holding her close and gently rubbing her back in an attempt to calm her.
The next several minutes are spent just letting her cry as he whispers encouraging words in her ear – telling her how much he loves her, that everything will be okay, that whatever it is, they'll figure it out together. His mind is going wild with theories, having no idea what could've gotten her this upset, but all he wants to do is make it better.
He has no idea how much time goes by, but eventually, she pulls back from him, sniffling and wiping at her face. "Harvey, I'm… I'm so sorry," she apologizes, the tears continuing to fall down her cheeks. "I thought I was protecting you, but I've just made everything so much worse," she declares through the sobs.
His heart immediately sinks upon hearing the words, his mind going to horrible places, but as she tries to calm herself down with breathing, he attempts to shake those thoughts from his mind.
"What do you mean?" He asks as he brushes her hair out of her eyes.
Blowing out a breath, she cautiously meets his gaze. "I have been keeping something from you," she admits as she wipes under her eyes. "I just… I thought it was better that you didn't know – that I was saving you from all the hurt it would cause," she tries to explain.
His heart is slamming against his ribcage as the rhythm echoes in his ears. Whatever she's about to confess has him absolutely terrified, part of him wondering whether he wants to know at all.
Honestly, he's almost certain that he doesn't.
But, he can't stop her now.
"After you left, I…" she begins, taking a moment to inhale a breath. "I… found out I was pregnant," she divulges, pausing to await his reaction.
The words are a shock to his system, the absolute last thing he ever expected to hear – so much so that it takes him much longer than it should to actually comprehend the words. He's just stunned and confused, and all he can do is blink in response as he tries to process it all, replaying the statement over and over again in his head to make sure he understood it correctly.
"Harvey?" She says, checking in with him after too much time has passed.
His name jolts him from his thoughts, finally forcing the question that's rolling around in his head from his lips. "Why… why didn't you tell me?" He wants to know.
Donna releases a sigh as he voices the question she expected to receive. "I was going to, but… I just… I really wanted to tell you in person," she explains, a soft smile shaping her mouth as she recalls how excited she had been to share the news with him. "But then… well… it was a chemical pregnancy," she reveals, before meeting his confused expression. "It's a very early miscarriage – it happens before the fetus is fully implanted, usually because of some abnormality that makes the pregnancy non-viable… it's very common," she explains, reiterating what she learned from her doctor and the internet. "So… that's why I missed work," she clarifies, with a shrug of her shoulders, as she looks down at her lap, feeling ashamed for all of the lies and secrets.
They aren't supposed to do that to each other, but she did, and it's been eating at her.
"Donna…" he exhales, as he reaches out and caresses her cheek, hating how broken she appears, but unsure what else he can say.
"I guess it just hit me a lot harder than I thought it would," she divulges. "I really thought that whatever happened – if we had kids or didn't have kids… I thought I'd be happy either way, but…" she says, drifting off.
"But?" He encourages.
"But…well… I know we agreed that we didn't want to be one of those couples whose whole lives are consumed with ovulation schedules and fertility treatments and pregnancy tests, but… I think that I really do want to try and have a baby," she confesses before nervously awaiting his reaction.
"Donna," he sighs. "You should've just told me," he says as her hair slips through his fingers.
"I know, I just… I really didn't want to have to tell you," she admits, slightly embarrassed she let things spiral so far out of control. Now that it's out in the open, she truly doesn't know why she was so reluctant.
"We can't hide things from each other," he reasons, his tone gentle and reassuring.
"I know," she nods in agreement. "I just thought… I thought I'd get over it and you'd never had to know… I thought I was saving you from all the pain that I was feeling," she details, realizing how absurd it all sounds once she says it aloud. "But then, I just couldn't get over it," she admits.
"Listen… this is nothing compared to the way I've been feeling this last week, knowing that something was going on with you, but having no idea what it was," he points out. "I mean… you can't even imagine the thoughts that were going through my head…" he tells her, feeling so relieved that all of that pain and anxiety is behind him now.
"Harvey… I'm so sorry," she apologizes, getting a bit choked up as the regret continues to burn in her chest.
"I know," he assures her, pulling her back into his arms and running his hand down her back. "I also just… I hate that you were going through all of this alone," he continues. "I don't ever want you to have to deal with something like this by yourself, okay?" He tells hers.
"I know," she nods. "I should've just told you. I don't know what I was thinking," she says, completely ashamed. "I really am sorry," she apologizes.
"It's okay," he promises, reaching out to caress her cheek. "I love you," he tells her. "And if you want to go full throttle into having a baby, then I'm in," he assures her, an affectionate smile warming his lips.
"Really?" She asks, lifting her head from his chest to meet his eyes.
"Yes," he assures her, a big, bright grin sweeping across his face – the kind that made her fall for him in the first place.
She immediately matches the expression and wraps her arms around him, relishing the feel of being close to him again as this weight has finally been lifted off of them both.
"I love you, too."
(→→ ←←)
Four months later, they find out together.
They're sitting on the edge of their bed and he's lifting her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles, as they anxiously wait for the timer on her phone to go off.
"How much longer?" He asks, impatiently glancing over at her and watching as she nervously nibbles on her bottom lip.
"One more minute," she tells him, unable to drag her eyes off her phone as she watches the time tick down.
Nodding his head, he gives her hand a squeeze and stretches his neck to place a kiss on her temple. She barely acknowledges the gesture, only slightly leaning into his touch, too preoccupied to focus on anything else at the moment.
He knows she's really got her hopes up this time – even more so than each of the last few months. She's already pretty convinced, just seeking some confirmation in taking the test. It makes him all the more anxious, desperately hoping that she doesn't get her heart broken again.
"I love you," he declares as he runs a hand down her back. "Okay?" He asks, summoning her to turn her head and look at him. And not until she meets his eyes, does he continue. "No matter what it says, I love you, and if it doesn't happen this month, we'll just keep trying until it does," he promises.
The smile she gives him is beautiful and heart breaking at all once, causing his nerves to skyrocket as the last few seconds dwindle down on the timer.
Ignoring the countdown, he pulls her in for a kiss, letting it linger until the timer finally does go off. They part almost immediately with her reaching over to shut off the offensive noise. "You ready?" She asks, turning back towards him.
The hope in her eyes is making his stomach twist in knots and he has to force himself to take a deep breath as he nods his head in response. All he wants is to give her absolutely everything and all he can do is pray that he finally has.
Donna reaches over and picks the plastic stick up off the nightstand, holding her breath as she glances down at it.
"What do two lines mean?" Harvey asks as when she doesn't say anything. She's just staring down at it in her hands, her expression completely unreadable.
He's realizing now that he probably should've read the instructions while they were waiting.
"It's positive," she whispers, finally looking up at him with a watery smile. "I'm pregnant," she announces, her eyes shining with excitement and disbelief.
He's completely stunned and absolutely thrilled and just about a hundred other emotions as his hand rests on her stomach and he takes her in, in an entirely new way – as the mother of his child.
He feels like she's already glowing and he's most certainly grinning like a fool, neither one of them able to properly articulate how they're feeling.
She's having his baby – it's a serious mind fuck and he can hardly believe it.
"I love you," she gushes as she pretty much jumps into his lap, slipping her arms around his neck after the pregnancy test ends up back on the nightstand.
"Love you, too," he murmurs into her hair, wrapping her up in his tight grasp. "So goddamn much."
««« ×ǁ CAN OPENER CHRONICLES ǁ× »»»
Well, I hope the happy ending was worth the angst. This is basically as angsty as I get lol.
Anyway, hopefully it wasn't too out of character – given Donna's compulsion to protect Harvey and the way she hid the whole Faye/vote thing from him, I feel like it's plausible this could happen. Maybe?
Either way, the amount of fics that people have been pumping out lately has been phenomenal and I figured I'd try to do my part. I have so many almost finished fics on my laptop, I'm really trying to get some of them finished while everyone is stuck at home. We'll see if I can actually do it.
Anyway, don't forget to let me know what you think!