Author's Note: Okay I finally managed to update (woop)
Unfortunately I, yet again, did not have the time to edit this properly because I am very stressed right now but wanted to get this up before I have to focus on my next deadline.

CHAPTER 21

Grammy looked so peaceful, as if she was just asleep and Mike found himself hoping that the doctors had just made a terrible mistake and that she was still alive.
He spent a minute just looking at her chest, watching for any sign of breathing, but was disappointed.
Mike carefully grabbed her hand and started to talk to her, telling her how much he loved her, how much he would miss her and telling her that if there was some sort of afterlife then she would say hello to his parents for him and promise them that he was okay.
Eventually his time with her ran out and he placed a kiss on top of her head before he left the room.
Mike only made it three steps in the hallway before he fell to the ground, sobs wrecking through his body.
Harvey was quickly there to comfort him while the hospital's staff gave him sympathetic looks.

"I wanna go home...I don't wanna be here anymore."
He said in-between sobs and Harvey quickly signed some papers before they could leave the hospital.

Once he was back in the apartment, he went straight to his room and curled up on the bed, feeling completely numb.
The whole situation felt surreal and it felt like a part of him was missing.
He didn't know he had been lying there when Harvey knocked on his door, telling him that Donna was here and that she had brought comfort food.
Mike didn't really have an appetite but Harvey was right that he needed to eat something so he left his room and had some comfort food.
The food did it's job and after he had eaten, he felt slightly better, the grief felt more like a dull ache rather than the bleeding wound it had been before.
They ended up watching some movies together and Mike even ended up lying down on the couch, his head in Harvey's lap and his feet in Donna's.
Normally he would hesitate before doing this but now he was desperate for the human contact.
Harvey ran his fingers through hair, just like his grandmother used to do and it comforted him and made him almost fall asleep in the middle of the movie.

Mike woke up with a start, his heart racing while he gasped for air.
He could still see the images from his nightmare, his grandmother on the floor begging for help before dying and then his parents standing there, bleeding and bruised screaming.
In the dream he had tried to back away only to trip over Harvey's dead body and when he had gotten up he had seen Donna and his friends all lying there, bleeding to death.
He was drenched in sweat and he quickly checked the bed but at least this time he hadn't wet the bed like he had when his parents died and he had nightmares.
The room was too dark and he turned on the lamp on his nightstand but he still found himself unable to even close his eyes.
Everytime he did close his eyes, he could see the images from his nightmare clearer and it terrified him.
There was a creek from somewhere and he whimpered, feeling like a nervous chihuahua who jumped at every little sound.
He didn't want to be like a little child but the craving for affection and a need to feel safe was strong and he eventually got out of his bed to go to Harvey's room.
Mike stopped when he spotted the old bunny his grandmother had given him eleven years ago, it had been carelessly thrown on the floor while he looked for something the other day.
He picked it up and hugged it tightly to his chest, now that his grammy was gone the ugly little bunny meant so much more.
There was still some hesitation but he managed to ask if he could sleep in Harvey's bed but he received a yes and got into the bed.
Once there he started to think back to that night after his parents died, how he had been so upset from his nightmare and so embarrassed because he had wet the bed but then his grandmother made him feel better by making him laugh.
The thought of her, or rather the thought of her absence caused tears to fill his eyes, he started thinking about how he would never laugh with his grammy again, how they would never bake something together again, there were so many things they could never do again and once he was thinking of that he thought about all the things his parents was going to miss out on.
It was like everytime he thought of his grandma, his mind reminded him of his parents and the grief grew stronger.
All the thoughts caused the tears to fall and soon he was quietly crying and he pressed his face against the bunny to muffle the sound, he didn't want to disturb Harvey.
Harvey moved next to him and then suddenly he was pulled into a couple of strong arms.
Mike buried his face in the man's chest, inhaling the smell that started to feel less foreign and more like safety and home, and then he allowed himself to cry.
He was crying so hard it hurt and it felt like he would never be able to stop but eventually all the crying made him exhausted and he drifted off to sleep.

The next day he was still haunted by his nightmare, especially the part where his grandma was lying on the floor, begging for him to help her.
The loss seemed to hurt even more today and he couldn't even bring himself to eat, everything felt horrible and he just wanted to sleep until it didn't hurt anymore.
Harvey did his best to make him feel better but Mike didn't want to do anything but stay in his bed.
Towards the afternoon he thought of his best friend and how he wished he was here so that he could just talk to him about everything.
Trevor was the only one, apart from his grammy's friends, who really knew his grandmother, even if his grammy had never been a big fan of Trevor, and he thought that they could talk about her, just like how he and grammy had sat and shared stories of his parents.
At the very least maybe Trevor could take his mind off things.
He sat up and grabbed his phone from the nightstand.
His finger hovered over the screen for a couple of minutes while he contemplated whether or not he should bother Trevor.
After some mental debating he pressed his friend's name and then the call button.
The phone rang and rang and for a second he thought that Trevor wasn't going to answer but then he finally picked up.

"Sup?"

Trevor greeted, he sounded distracted and Mike could hear sound effects from a video game in the background.

"Hi."

He answered, pausing for a couple of seconds but when Trevor didn't say anything he continued.

"Eh...grammy died."

He blurted out, seeing no reason to beat around the bush, and it was the first time he had said those words and they just felt so wrong in his mouth.
The noise from the videogame ceased and then there were a brief silence before his friend spoke.

"Wow, I'm so sorry, dude."

He sounded awkward, as if he wasn't really sure what to say and Mike could understand that, what was the right thing to say to your friend who had first lost both of his parents and now his grandmother?

"C-can we meet? I...I just need a friend right now."

It was hard to confess that he needed his friend, they usually didn't say "vulnerable" stuff like that to each other.

"I'm sorry but I'm busy."
"Doing what?"
"Stuff."

He suddenly felt frustrated at his friend, he knew Trevor well enough to know when he was just making excuses.
Mike had been there for Trevor when his older brother landed in a coma and he had more than once dropped other things to support him.

"I really need my best friend right now."

Mike tried, hoping that it would make Trevor change his mind but instead he heard the other boy unpause his game.

"Sorry, maybe another day?"

Trevor asked, sounding distracted again as he focused on his game.
Mike wanted to yell at him, it was one thing if he had something actually important to do but he couldn't believe that Trevor would rather play video games than being a good friend.

"Trevor, please."

He mentally kicked himself for desperately pleading instead of showing his frustration.

"Come on Michael, you're such a killjoy when you're sad."

Trevor muttered but seemed to immediately regret it, as if he was only meant to think it and not say it.

"Shit, I'm sorry I-"

Trevor's words were cut off when Mike threw the phone across the room, it hit the lamp and sent it crashing to the floor before it hit the wall and then landed on the floor.
Harvey came running but Mike just told him to leave him alone, the man listened but returned a while later to clean up the glass.
Mike spent the rest of the day in his bed and eventually drifted off to sleep.
Another nightmare plagued him and he left his bed and crawled into Harvey's bed, this time feeling a little less embarrassed to need the comfort.

He woke up with a start, looking around the dark room, Harvey stirred beside him but didn't seem to wake up.
His heart was racing and he struggled to breathe, he was aware that he'd had a nightmare but he couldn't really remember what it was about.
Mike quietly got out of the bed and walked out the room.
He thought it would feel better once he was up but it didn't, his skin was itching and he was suddenly consumed by the feeling that he was in the wrong place, he felt like he had to get out here tight now.
He needed to go home.
Without really knowing what he was doing, he put his Converse on and walked out the front door.
He walked like in a trance and he was shivering slightly, since he had forgotten to put on a jacket and was only wearing a t-shirt, but he didn't even notice the cold.
It took a little over an hour to walk and surprisingly no one had stopped him to ask him if he was okay.
His bike was still leaning against the wall, exactly where he had left it when he had come here after school.
Mike hadn't brought his keys but he knew that there was still an extra key underneath the small dog made out of stone that his mother had once placed next to the front door.
The house was dark and it felt incredibly empty.
Mike walked into the kitchen, expecting to find his grandmother's burn cookies still there but it seemed that Rose had been here and cleaned up.
His eyes went to the floor, the exact spot where his grandma had been.
The whole thing replayed in his mind and for a second it was like he was transported back to the other day and then the memories started to mix with the images from his nightmares to the point where he could no longer separate them.
He swear he could see his grammy on the floor begging for help before dying and he screwed his eyes shut tightly before backing out of the kitchen, not wanting to her any longer.
He kept his eyes shut as he walked carefully over to the staircase, not daring to open them until he made it upstairs.
The room that had once belonged to his parents felt all wrong since Rose had spent the past weeks there, even if she had been here to pick up her stuff the feeling of the room was still off.
He walked past his parents room and then his old room and continued to the room that had been grammy's.
It looked exactly the same, her robe was still laying on the bed where she had thrown it, expecting to wear it again.
Mike grabbed the robe, bringing it to his face and inhaling the scent.
It was that sweet, flowery smell that he always felt when he hugged her.
He thought about how he would never hug her again, how this smell would disappear and only be a memory, then he started to think about his parents and once again his thoughts just continued.
His knees felt weak and he lowered himself to the floor as the tears started to roll down his cheeks.
The crying escalated to sobs and then he started to hyperventilate.
It felt like no matter what he couldn't get enough air and as he felt his lips getting numb, he panicked even more.
His body was shaking violently and his lungs were hurting.
A voice in the back of his head told him that he was having a panicattack, he had read about it but his otherwise perfect memory failed to remember what you were supposed to do to stop it.
He put his arms around himself in a self-hug, fingernails digging into his skin, as he began to rock back and forth.
For every second that passed he got more and more convinced that he was going to die.
He screamed without any sound, his hands started to go numb as well and his started to hurt.
It felt like it went on for years.
It started to feel like the world disappearing but then his eyes landed on a pictureframe on the dresser, the picture was of his parents, his grandmother and himself, maybe 7 or 8 years old.
He stared at it and the more he focused on it, the calmer he got.
When he managed to calm himself down completely, he was so tired he could barely move, all of his physical and mental energy had disappeared.
He somehow managed to get up on the bed where he fell asleep, hugging the robe tightly to his chest.

Mike was in the middle of a peaceful dream, he was baking cookies with hid grammy, when a noise caused the dream to start to slip away.
He didn't want the dream to end and desperately tried to stay asleep but without success, instead he felt himself being pulled back to reality by a strong couple of hands.
Instinctively he started to struggle but the grip only tightened.
Mike opened his eyes to see who had grabbed him but before he got a proper look, his face was pressed against the person's chest as they hugged him tightly and he instantly recognized the smell.
The familiar smell caused him to stop struggle and instead he put his arms around Harvey and hugged him back.

"Don't ever leave like that again."

Harvey said, his voice breaking, and Mike realized that they lawyer was actually crying.
Mike frowned, not understanding what he was talking about, and lifted his head and looked around.
He was in his grandmother's old room, which at first confused him before he got a vague memory of walking here.
Despite the fact that he hadn't really been in his right mind when he walked here, he could barely remember why he was here, he still felt guilty for obviously scaring Harvey.
The lawyer kept hugging him, holding on to him as if he let go for even a second then Mike would disappear again.

"I'm sorry I wasn't even thinking."

He mumbled.
It felt like Harvey hugged him for an eternity before he finally let go and asked him what he was doing here and Mike told him what he could remember.
They stayed in the house for a while before going back to the apartment and when night came along and another nightmare caused Mike to crawl into Harvey's bed, the lawyer put his arms around the kid and held him tight, to make sure that his son wasn't going to disappear from him again.

"You don't have to come, you know? I could handle it for you."
Harvey said from the doorway while Mike yet again retied his shoes.
He let out a groan as the shoelaces became uneven and he untied them again, fully aware that he was just stalling.

"Mike?"
"No, I want to go."

He had to go.
When is parents had died, his grandmother had handled the funeral, Mike hadn't needed to plan anything he had just needed to show up but now it was just him and he needed to give his grandma a perfect funeral.
It was just that Harvey had called the funeral home early that morning and managed to schedule time for a meeting for the very same day, which had left him no time to mentally prepare for the meeting.

"We need to leave now."

Harvey answered, looking at his watch, and Mike sighed, tying his shoes one last time before he got up from his bed.
The funeral home had an odd vibe to it and as soon as they walked inside, he tensed up and felt uncomfortable.
An older lady came out from a room, crying loudly, while a younger woman tried to comfort her.
It almost made him want to walk out of here, he couldn't handle the sadness of this place.
A man in his early 50s, wearing an expensive grey suit, came out from another room and walked over to the two of them.
The man greeted Harvey, introducing himself as Steve, before he turned to Mike and gave him that sympathetic smile that he hated.
Steve then led them into a small room with a table and a couple of chairs, Steve sat down on one side while Harvey and Mike sat on the other.
He started to talk about the funeral and Mike did his best to listen but found himself spacing out since Steve's voice was so monotone and boring.
He was brought back to reality when Steve got out a book and gave it to Harvey who immediately passed it to him, he opened it up and was met by several pictures of coffins and flower arrangements and he felt overwhelmed.
Mike didn't know what coffin she would have liked and he couldn't even remember what her favourite flowers were, if she had even had any favourites, and the price tags were shocking, he never knew how expensive a funeral was.
He also realized that he had no idea if his grammy had wanted to be cremated or buried, he knew that she had been thinking about her death ever since she got sick but she had always talked with his parents about stuff like that.
A hand was placed on his shoulder, squeezing it.

"Calm down, it's okay."

Harvey said, having noticed that the kid was getting worked up.

"Can we have a minute alone?"
"Of course."

Steve answered and got up and left the room.

"Hey kid, look at me."

Mike looked over at him and Harvey gave him a small smile before he told him to copy his breathing.
He hadn't even noticed his breathing getting irregular.
It took a while but eventually he managed to calm down.

"You sure you still want to be here?"
"Yes"
"Okay, so where's your mind?"

Most people would probably have a hard time to believe that Harvey was even capable of talking in such an incredibly soft and caring voice.

"It's all so overwhelming. I don't know what she would like or if she wanted to be cremated or not and it's all so expensive and-"
"Okay, let me stop you right there. First of all you don't need to worry about the price."

Mike opened his mouth to protest but Harvey held his hand up.

"Don't worry about it."

He repeated, this time in a tone that left no room for protests.

"Second of all, just pick what you think she would like. I'm sure she would've like whatever you choose, okay?"

Mike nodded and opened the book again.
This time it felt a little less overwhelming as he flipped through the pages.
He vaguely remember his grandmother not being too fond of fire, which made him think that she would perhaps not wanted to be cremated.
Then he found a beautiful white casket that just felt right for her and since blue was her favourite colour he picked out a flower arrangement with blue flowers.
They set a date for the funeral, decided some more details and Mike remembered to tell him her favourite song so that they could play it for her.

"Do you want to speak at the funeral?"

He suddenly asked Mike.
That was something he hadn't even considered, he had been unable to talk at his parents' funeral instead grammy had spoken for the both of them.
He wanted to say something but he wasn't sure if he would be able to talk and be vulnerable in front of all the people.

"Let's think about that one, okay?"

The man said when he noticed the kid's hesitation and Mike nodded.
The meeting was finally over and they could leave the funeral home.
While walking back to the car, Mike hoped that Harvey would be around for a long, long time because he did not want to plan a funeral again any time soon.