Chapter 21: The Other Love of My Life

Rae shot upright in bed, gasping for air. She touched her chest, feeling her t shirt still in place. The spot in the bed next to her was empty. She let herself fall backward on the bed. Her heart was racing. She took deep breaths to slow its rhythm. Her hands came up to cover her face.

"Oh my god" she whispered to herself as she continued to catch her breath. She reached over and grabbed her phone to check the time. Four fifty-seven. There were no messages from Olivia. It was all a dream. Thank god she thought to herself, considering what happened in the dream. She wished it had turned out to be one of the dreams she couldn't remember but it wasn't. She remembered every detail. She wasn't sure what to make of her dream but she knew the one person she could talk to about it. She put her phone back on the nightstand and closed her eyes to get her last two hours of sleep in.

Her alarm sounded at six o'clock. The rest of her sleep had been dream free. She was thankful for that. She got up, showered, and got dressed before going to wake the boys to get ready for school. Jimmy helped with Noah while Rae got breakfast ready. They ate breakfast got their things and headed out the door by seven thirty. She dropped Calvin at school first then took Noah to his day center before getting herself to work. She was surprised that Olivia hadn't called her again or at least texted. She told her in the note that she was doing what she said and taking some time to think about what she wanted. She would stay at her mom's with the boys that night and she could pick them up from their activities the next day. She loved her but she was too angry to talk to her right now. She just needed some space.

She got through her shift at the hospital then made her way over to Simone's place. She called her during her lunch break to ask if she'd be free this evening to talk. Of course, she could always make time for Rae. She told her to come on over after her shift for dinner. When she arrived, Simone met her at the door with a glass of wine. Rae happily accepted as she stepped into the apartment. She took her coat off and hung up then joined Simone in the living room while they waited for dinner to finish cooking.

"So, what's for dinner?"

"I'm trying a new lasagna recipe" she answered before taking a drink from her glass.

"Smells good" she said inhaling the aroma coming from the kitchen.

"Let's hope it tastes the way it smells" she said crossing her fingers. "So what was so urgent?"

"I need your advice".

"Mmhmm" Simone mumbled.

"Olivia and I…. we're not in a great place right now".

"Therapy's not going well?"

"It was going great until…." she paused, "we started talking about me and Amanda" she continued. "And her and Haden. I got so angry with what she was saying I just walked out of our last session".

"What did she say?"

"She's worried that I'd leave her for Amanda".

"She said that?" Simone asked surprised.

"She said that I still love her and that if I'd ever be with anyone else, it'd be her. She also said that she thinks I need more time to decide what I really want".

"Wow" she said in shock. "That's very honest". Rae scoffed.

"Yeah, it was so appreciated, her honesty" she sarcastically replied. Simone laughed.

"Well is she right?"

"No".

"Really?" Simone asked unconvinced. "So you're saying that if you and Olivia didn't work out for some reason, you wouldn't consider getting back together with Amanda".

"Well…." she sighed, "I mean, yeah I would consider it but she would never be the reason that Olivia and I don't work out. I would never leave her for Amanda or anyone else".

"It doesn't sound like you need my advice" Simone said with a shrug.

"I dreamed about her last night".

"Who? Amanda?" Rae nodded. "What kind of dream?" she asked interestedly. She opened her mouth to answer when the oven started to beep in the kitchen. Simone started to get up, "you are not off the hook" she said pointedly. "We're talking about this over lasagna" she said as she headed to the kitchen. Rae got up and grabbed Simone's glass then went over to the dining room, setting their glasses on the table. She went over to the kitchen and took down two plates then got two forks from the drawer. She carried them over to the table and took her seat at the table. Simone set the lasagna down then cut a square for Rae and put it on her plate then cut one for herself. She went back to the kitchen to get the bread then joined Rae at the table. "Ok, go ahead" she said as Rae topped off their glasses with more wine. "What was the dream about?" Rae sighed heavily then took a gulp of wine before explaining the dream in its entirety to Simone as they enjoyed dinner. "You had a sex dream about Amanda" she stated more than asked.

"It- it wasn't a sex dream" she argued.

"You had sex with her in the dream?" She nodded. "But it wasn't a sex dream".

"No" she scoffed. "It wasn't about the sex. It was about what Olivia said".

"About Amanda being the one you'd be with if you weren't with her?"

"Yes" she said plainly. "I think my brain is just trying to sort it all out, you know? My feelings for her and Olivia".

"Well, she's the love of your life" Simone stated simply. Rae furrowed her brow.

"What?" she asked confused. She cut a second, smaller square of lasagna for herself and put it on her plate.

"Amanda" she clarified. Rae shook her head.

"Olivia is the love of my life" she corrected her before taking another bite of food into her mouth.

"So is Amanda" she shrugged. "You can have more than one great love".

"I don't know about that" she said picking up her glass to take another drink.

"Look, it's like a widow or widower. They loved their husband or wife and they think that they'll never find another person to love like that again" she explained. "And then they do. It's not the same because they're not the same person. But it's just as good and the love is just as real".

"Yeah, I guess" she said after some thought. "That's not something Olivia would ever want to hear" she added with a laugh.

"She wants honesty, right?"

"Yeah".

"Then be honest. If she loves you and wants to be with you then she'll accept it".

"That simple, huh?"

"No of course not" Simone chuckled. "It's messy and complicated but that's life. Things aren't always black and white".

"So, I should just tell her that Amanda was a great love of my life?"

"Yeah" Simone said before finishing the wine in her glass. "You can't change how you feel, Araeyah. Just own it and be honest about it. That's all you can do". Rae thought about what Simone was saying and decided she was right. She and Olivia had agreed to not keep things from each other to spare each other's feelings. She figured this qualified. She just wasn't sure how Olivia would react.

"You know Alice said that I won't be able to get past what Olivia did until I confront all my feelings about it" she said as she stared off into space. "I thought I had done that already and now I'm just…. angry all over again and…." she paused.

"And?" Simone asked prompting her to go on.

"I don't know" she shrugged. "Maybe Olivia's right. Maybe I don't know what I want anymore".

"You said you would never leave Olivia for Amanda or anyone else" she said reminding her of her own words. "You said Olivia is the love of your life. It doesn't sound like you don't know what you want".

"I'm not cutting Amanda out of my life" she said plainly.

"Who says you have to?" Simone asked as she got up from the table and went to the kitchen for another bottle of wine.

"I just… I feel like that's what Olivia wants or at least for me not to be so close to her".

"Is there a compromise you can come to?"

"Not really. Amanda is one of my best friends and that's not gonna change" she said with a shrug. "I already did something to make her more comfortable with us".

"What was that?"

"I gave back the key to her apartment" she reminded her. "I'm not willing to concede anything else".

"More?" she asked offering her more wine. Rae shook her head.

"No" she sighed. "I have to drive home. Dinner was great by the way. Thank you".

"You're always welcome". They got up from the table and started to clear their places and clean up. "You know you can use the therapy session to tell her" Simone said getting back to their conversation. "Maybe Alice can help you get Olivia to understand that just because you love Amanda doesn't mean she's the one you want to be with".

"Yeah" she said softly. "Yeah, maybe". They finished cleaning up from dinner and putting away the leftover food before going back to the living room. They talked for a while longer before saying their goodbyes. Rae drove home, showered and went to bed early.

The next morning, she packed her bags, deciding she'd go back home after her shift. She said goodbye to her mom and Jimmy after breakfast, thanking them for letting her and the kids invade their space. They told her she was free to invade any time. She had an uneventful shift at the hospital then headed right home. Lucy was with the boys when she arrived. Calvin was at the table and she was on the living room floor with Noah.

"Hey" she said surprised to see her.

"Hi, Lucy".

"I wasn't expecting you" she said getting up from the floor. Rae set her bag down by the door and took her jacket off. "Liv said you were still staying at your mom's".

"Yeah. I decided to come home". They chatted for a few minutes. Rae wrote her a check for the week then she said goodbye to the boys and went on her way. She made dinner while Calvin did his homework and Noah played with his puzzles. They ate without Olivia then watched a movie together before it was time for baths and bed. She put Noah down first then went to read with Calvin before tucking him in for the night and going to get ready for bed herself.

Olivia came in just after midnight. She had called Lucy earlier to tell her she had to work late and wouldn't be home for dinner. Lucy told her that she didn't have the kids. Rae had made it home around five thirty and let her go. She thought about calling Araeyah but didn't want to risk her call being ignored. She looked in on Calvin first then Noah, kissing them both goodnight, before heading to her own bedroom. She entered quietly to find Rae fast asleep on her side of the bed. After showering, changing into pajamas and brushing her teeth, she climbed into bed next to her. She wanted so badly to scoot in close and take her into her arms. She resisted. She got comfortable on her side of the bed and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning when she woke up, Rae was already gone from the bed. It was just before seven thirty. She heard the shower shut off and a few minutes later, Rae emerged from the bathroom still wrapped in her bath towel. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Olivia sitting up in bed. She wasn't expecting her to be awake. She gave her a stiff smile before going about getting ready for work. Olivia laid back down and closed her eyes. She listened to her fiance move around the room from the dresser to the closet to the bathroom then back to the dresser. Soon there was no more movement. Araeyah had gathered her things and left the bedroom. It was Saturday so the boys were sleeping. She quietly went in both of their rooms to kiss them goodbye before making her way out of the apartment and off to work. She made it to her car, got in the driver's seat, put her bag in the seat next to her then put her key in the ignition. As she was about to turn the car to start her car, she remembered something important. An agreement that she and Olivia had made. One she'd broken over the last couple of days. She removed her key from the ignition, got out of the car and headed back inside. When she entered the apartment, Olivia was in the kitchen. The aroma of fresh brewing coffee filled her nostrils. Olivia turned around when she heard her approaching from behind.

"Hey, did you forget something?" she asked surprised to see her back. Rae nodded as she closed the distance between them. She lifted herself on the balls of her feet and brought their lips together. They instinctively relaxed into each other, deepening their kiss. Olivia was surprised but she wouldn't dare question or complain. Before things could escalate any more, Rae pulled away.

"I. um. I have to go" she said as she caught her breath.

"Wait" Olivia pleaded, not wanting her to leave.

"I can't be late. We can talk later". She turned and headed for the door, fixing her hair as she went. She turned back before reaching the door, "I love you".

"I love you too". Feeling better about how they were leaving things, she headed out to the hospital. Olivia was suddenly looking forward to the rest of the day. She would be home with the boys all day unless a case came in that the team couldn't handle without her. She wanted to enjoy quality time with them. She was nervous about talking to Rae later but still she looked forward to that too. She just hoped that their talk wouldn't make things worse and that Rae wouldn't want to be away from her again. She knew that talking about her affair would be tough but for some reason she didn't expect it to be this hard. However difficult, she wanted to face it head on and put it behind them once and for all.