CHAPTER 22

Down the beach Cass was crying so hard that in the back of her mind she wondered if she would become dehydrated. Seeing movement in her peripheral vision, she saw Leonard walking her way. Drawing her knees up, elbows braced, she rested her head in her hands, looking away from the approaching man. Minutes later he arrived and sat silently next to her. She had nothing to say. He did.

"Cass," he hesitated. "I think I owe you one heck of an apology. I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

She had to turn to look at him then. If given another two hundred years, Cass would still not have been able to follow that train of thought. Wiping her eyes with one palm she asked "why" followed by a sniffle.

"When Spock entered Pon Far, Jim was in my office and we were trying to figure out how to save his life. I knew you were in a relationship with Spock and it was me who suggested we bring you in. I guess neither of us understood this was a mate-for-life-or-death situation we were putting you in, and now you're married to the bastard."

She turned and looked out to sea. "It's not your fault. I had a choice both in your office and when Spock and I first joined. He gave me an out. I didn't take it. I just…." tears were falling again as her voice broke. "I didn't know….I mean to me he was just Spock. It was…." She couldn't go on because she was crying again.

At a loss for words, Leonard put his arm around his friend's shoulders and pulled her in. She toppled like a small tree with her head landing on his shoulder as she cried. After some time, the crying stopped and the pair just sat together when Cass finally spoke. "The thing is, I love him. We connect in a way I can't explain and I want that back." Looking down, the hope faded as she finished quietly "Maybe I should just leave. Go live on Earth. Maybe that would be best." Her emotions had reached its limit and shut down at that thought.

Seeing her despair Dr. McCoy thought about how to discuss his limited understanding in dealing with this particularly stubborn Vulcan. "Cass, honestly no one can truly know what goes on in that pointed eared head of his but of this I can say for certain. I think he is happier with you than he has ever been in his life. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to process that. He grew up on Vulcan where emotions are considered inappropriate and logic prevails. So, if there is any chance of you two making this work, you are going to have to fight for it because I don't think he knows HOW to come to you. It's not fair, but it is the way of things as far as I can see."

"How though?!" She asked frustratedly. "He throws up these huge walls between us that I don't have the mental power to penetrate."

Leonard thought about the times he had seen Spock both lose control and fight to maintain control. It didn't happen often but when it did, it reminded the doctor of just how dangerous Spock could be. He debated telling Cas but, in the end, he decided to give her all the information so she could make up her mind if she even wanted to proceed. "There is a way, but it is dangerous" he began.

"Well, what else is new for us!" She replied sarcastically. "What is it?"

"Push him. The only way to get past those impossible shields is to try to force an emotional reaction from him. I have seen it happen a few times. It is intense. Hence the danger."

The sun was setting when Cass said quietly, "I have a headache. Will you walk me home?"

"Of course," Leonard replied, getting to his feet then reaching down to pull her to hers.

They walked the rest of the way in silence. At her bungalow, she stopped and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks Len, for everything."

"Len?" He smiled. "No one has called me that since my grandmother." He resumed walking down the beach then angled up to his cottage.

Turning towards her own dwelling and seeing the lights on in the living room, she realized she wasn't ready to face him yet. Instead Cass approached the bedroom's french doors and entered that way. Changing into pajamas, she laid down and fell asleep almost immediately due to her headache and exhaustion. Unbeknownst to her, Spock came in five minutes later to check on her only to find her already asleep with dried tear tracks down her cheeks.

Admonishing himself for being the cause of those tears, he retreated to the living room but was unable to meditate.

The next morning Cass woke alone in bed. That was fine, she had things to do. After a quick shower, dressing as she had almost every day in shorts and a tank top, she left the way she came, through the french doors. As it was last night, Spock heard her leave. He sat unmoving on the couch, his two halves at war with each other. Both sides losing.

She knew she needed to confront her husband. But how? She started to walk the beach but realized she hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday. Heading to the main lodge to remedy that, she had a wonderfully filling breakfast on the shaded veranda overlooking the ocean. Thinking back over yesterday's conversation with Len she had to make a decision. Was she going to risk pushing her alien husband into some sort of emotional reaction knowing it would be dangerous? He could get really angry at her resulting in an end to the bond itself. Or, could they get past this resulting in a deeper, more balanced relationship. Sipping her coffee and thinking hard on the subject she came to a decision. She was going to fight for him and their marriage. If that failed then she would go to Earth and start a new life. That is not what she wanted but today it would be decided. Just like the first time, she chose the danger. Their marriage was worth the risk but she was starting to question her sanity.

Satiated, she left to resume her walk contemplating how to approach Spock; to break through the glass barrier and oak tree shield he had erected. Her time of crying was done. Pulling out her iPhone, she started with Christian music while praying for help. How? How to reach him? Feeling more centered after several songs, Cass switched to her personal music. While thinking about the words she wanted to say she soon realized he would prevail easily in any verbal debate. Walking farther she saw two kids wrestling in the sand before getting up to run into the water. Well, she thought, watching a tired mom follow them on four legs, wrestling him was not an option. Turning back towards home she still had no answers but wasn't giving up.

A mind meld. She wondered if that might be the way. Could she use a mental connection to push past the barriers he had erected? Staring out at the ocean, she was seriously considering it. In a meld, they would be mentally joined so the transference of emotion could be significant. After a few more minutes spent trying to find another solution, she came up with nothing. Turning, she purposefully headed home before she lost her nerve. She had her game plan.

Entering the bungalow, Spock was sitting on the couch reading his PADD. He looked up when she entered. Joining him on the couch she planned to try talking first, leaving a mind meld as the backup, if he would even be willing to make the connection for them. "Spock. Can I talk to you? It's important" He put the PADD aside. At his consent she started with "what's wrong?"

"Specify" He didn't correct the one word command.

That was ok. She was done being the submissive, docile wife. "We are fine for a while, then you retreat behind massive shields."

"I am a Vulcan. You knew that." He replied almost defensively.

"Yeah and I am human. I don't think that's the point."

"Then what is your point?" Spock was starting to get annoyed but hid it well.

Cass wasn't fooled nor was she going to lose her nerve. "We connect on a deeper level, which I can tell is satisfying for you but then you retreat behind what I call your oak tree shields. You push me and everyone else away." He said nothing to that. She pressed on "Now you have shut down behind glass walls. I love you. You have friends who love you. Please. Tell me what is going on because honestly, I am completely at a loss here." She waited; hopeful he would open up on his own.

Steepling his fingers together under his chin, he stared straight ahead. After a few minutes, he dropped his hand and still not looking at her replied "I don't know what you want me to say."

Strengthening her resolve, she asked him. "Will you mind meld with me?" Spock looked away from his wife in stony silence. Cass could feel Spock emotionally and mentally retreating from her request. Unwilling to allow that to happen, she moved swiftly, straddling his lap as she had done in the past, only this time with no sexual innuendo intended. This time it was to get his complete and undivided attention. He scowled at that. Gently she placed hands on the top of his shoulders. She finally got him to look at her. It was hard to read his eyes or figure out what was happening inside that Vulcan mind. But either way, she could see she was getting past his shields.

"Are you trying to evoke an emotional response Aduna?!" He asked warily.

"Any response is better than this glass wall between us." She replied evenly. It was a challenge.

Challenge accepted. Without another word, his left hand came up and swiftly grabbed behind her head to keep her still. She jerked reflexively but was firmly held in place. Their eyes locked as she watched Spock place the fingers of his right hand roughly into her psi points "my mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts" he growled.

Cass found herself on the plateau back on Vulcan but it was very different than her first trip. The skies were an angry charcoal grey, thunder rolling overhead. "THERE IS A REASON VULCAN'S DON'T LET FLY THEIR EMOTIONS CASSANDRA!" He roared. A lightning bolt slammed into the ground not two feet from where Cass was standing. She hollered in surprise as she jumped then side stepped a few times before rounding on her husband, equally pissed.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" She yelled at him. Thunder cracked then boomed overhead.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS THIS THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR WOMAN?" He shouted. The boulder he usually sat on was between them but even from there she could see he was shaking, fists clenched with the intensity of the moment.

She was furious too but before yelling at him again, she remembered 'wait, I am inside his mind. We are joined. If I stay mad, it will just feed into him.' Trying instead to take a deep steadying breath, she took a step forward, purposefully calming herself so she could in turn calm him. "No Spock," she began to project peace. "Tell me what's wrong Adun."

Thunder rumbled menacingly as lightning flashed in the clouds. He glared at her. "Couldn't you just date, or do whatever it is Humans do?" Cass heard the disapproval dripping from those words as Spock mimicked the voice of Sarek. He continued "I question the logic of your decision making and ability to properly analyze potential outcomes."

"You green blooded inhuman Vulcan." She knew that was his unmistakable impression of Dr. McCoy. His expression stony. "Not Human enough, not Vulcan enough. My father never understood why I rejected the Vulcan Science Academy. Do you know why I made that decision? Why I left my home planet, family and everything I knew to attend Starfleet?" He asked.

Shaking her head Cass replied honestly "no."

The answer volleyed back to her swiftly. Though no longer yelling, the frustration was heavy in his tone of voice "because they considered my human genetics to be a disadvantage." Louder he repeated "A disadvantage! I was never Vulcan enough for them. Then on Earth," a bitter laugh ripped from him. "On Earth I was too Vulcan, too different. Alien." The thunder continued to rumble periodically, but the lightning had stopped. It was starting to rain. He had walked forward, keeping the boulder between them. Placing his hands on the rock, he leaned forward earnestly. "I can't. I….." The rain picked up as he slumped his shoulders in defeat. Turning away from her he sat on the rock, expressionless.

Cass rushed around to reach him. Sitting next to him on his left, she whispered "Spock…." Touching his arm, she was dismayed to sense what was truly happening. Though his face remained impassive it was because they were in a meld that she felt his frustrated misery. If the lightning and thunder had been his rage, she surmised the rain represented his sorrow.

Quietly he finished with a bowed head, "I can't solve this equation. I have tried."

Cass startled a bit at that. "Do you mean like a math equation?" She asked in uncertainty.

"YES" he cried in frustration. "It should BE an equation. I should be able to solve any situation with intellect and logic." Thunder rolled overhead.

Caressing his arm with her thumb she replied gently "yes Adun, I understand that. But I don't think this is a math problem." He looked over at her sharply. Before he could give voice to his argument, she continued "maybe it's more of a chemistry problem. You know, you have to balance both sides of the equation." His eyes changed, reflecting the dawning understanding of where she was going with this. "You have your human half on one side and your Vulcan half on the other. They are your constants. However, life and circumstances are always changing, always the variable. So, you balance the equation in the moment."

Spock sat silently contemplating the meaning of that concept. "She figured it out" came another voice near them.

Looking to her right past Spock, Cass saw another person standing there. Scrambling to her feet she stumbled back a few steps. "Spock, who is in here with us?!"

Vulcan Spock stood, facing his counterpart. "Balance" he said, thinking for a moment. Looking at his wife he continued "I believe you have found the key Cassandra. I have been aware of an important concept during meditation but it has remained on the periphery of my consciousness."

"It is logical." the human Spock responded.

Spock glanced briefly at the one who spoke before turning his attention back to his wife to explain. "Cass, for my whole life I have been split in two, always at war with my other half. This" he said indicating the human to the right of them "is a representation of that half." The rain began to lessen.

Cass was speechless. Looking between the two, she finally took a tentative step towards them. "Spock?" She questioned though she wasn't entirely sure to which one she was addressing.

The human answered "Yes. You know me too." Holding out his hand, "touch me."

Guarded, she kept her hands firmly at her side before looking over to the Vulcan she recognized. He nodded. She approached the human hesitantly, then cautiously put her hand in his. Her mind was flooded with the memories of the times they were in bed together, the passion they shared, deep conversations on the Observation Deck. It all came through in a moment. Eyes widened in recognition, she looked at him in surprise.

"I know you."

"Yes" He smiled.

Her face reflected the wonder of seeing her husband as a smiling human. Turning to Vulcan Spock, she held out her other hand. Silently he took it before explaining, "the glass walls were not to keep you out Cass. They were keeping me in."

At her confusion, human Spock clarified. "On Vulcan, expression of emotion is considered bad taste," he explained.

She looked to the two of them and replied firmly "you are NOT on Vulcan any more. Or Earth for that matter. We live in space, and maybe that is what you were searching for when you left Vulcan to enter Starfleet. A place that isn't either planet. A place you could work and live while being accepted for the unique individual you are." Looking pointedly at them she finished "I think you found that, don't you?"

From the returning hum of their bond, she knew they agreed. Cass' hands were released as her Vulcan turned towards her, gingerly placing his forehead against hers, their eyes closed. There were no words needed, the energy flowing through their bond was alive with color. After a bit, they stepped away and turned to his human half only to find he was gone. Cass looked around in concern when Spock reassured her "don't worry. He does that." Drawing her attention back to himself he asked "shall we go. I believe we have more shore leave awaiting us."

The sun was out warming the plateau as she stepped into his arms for the return trip.