Chapter Seventeen

"Willow."

Willow turned around at the sound of her name and spotted someone walking up to her driveway.

"Becky."

She turned the key in her door but waited there until Becky caught up to her. Becky embraced her when she got there.

"I just came to see if I could do anything."

Willow surprised herself at how grateful she was to lean on someone for a moment. But just a moment.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's 6 pm," Becky replied softly.

"Right," Willow shook her head to herself and opened the door to let them both in, "I'm sorry I haven't been in touch with anyone. It's been a crazy couple of days."

"Of course it has," Becky replied as she crossed the threshold.

"I'm not even staying here at the moment," Willow replied, closing the door behind them, "Our parents took over kid duty so I'm just crashing there when I can. I'm just grabbing some more things for Tara."

"Can I help?" Becky offered, "Or I could make you a coffee."

Willow checked her watch and finally nodded.

"Yeah, okay. A coffee sounds really good, actually," she smiled gratefully, "I'll just go get the bag ready."

Becky nodded and went into the kitchen while Willow ascended the stairs and threw an overnight back onto the bed to pack things into.

She didn't know specifically what Tara wanted because the only desire Tara expressed was wanting to see her babies. She barely spoke apart from that unless the kids called and she put on a front for them. She wanted Willow to be with the babies all of the time instead of her to make sure they were okay. A real sting for Willow was coming down to check on Tara to see that her normally modest wife had permitted a nurse to give her a sponge bath in the bed when Willow had offered only that morning.

Willow felt run ragged and her biggest confidant and the only other person who understood what she was feeling was completely shutting down.

She ran her hand back through her hair and noted she was going to need to wash it soon. Her own self-care hasn't been exactly high on the priority list at the moment.

Willow just packed the warmest, loosest clothing and PJs she could find and the bar of soap Tara usually liked to wash with so the nurse could help her smell like herself. Willow grumbled at her own petulant thought and reminded herself that Tara was in her own ninth circle of hell right now.

Not that she needed reminding; Tara's pale, broken body lying small in the hospital bed was a regular and stark reminder. Considering the only other view she had for 90% of the day was her two tiny babies with wires spiraling out of their bodies, she was very much aware that more than half of her family were in dire straits and that there wasn't a single, damn thing she could do about it.

She rolled her neck in her hand and closed her eyes for a moment, almost falling asleep just standing over the bed like that.

Then a waft of the coffee Becky was brewing hit her nose and Willow perked up again. Hospital coffee sucked and so did the small bites she could grab from the cafeteria between roaming corridors. Michelle and Ira always had a plate leftover for her when she got home to tuck the kids in but by that point, she was so hungry she usually wolfed it down without even tasting it.

She zipped up the bag and left it at the door and went into the kitchen, where Becky was pouring the coffee into mugs.

Becky pushed one mug across the island toward Willow and another plate that had mashed avocado on toast with a runny poached egg broken on top. Willow could see the empty saucepan in the sink.

"Hope you don't mind," Becky said as she leaned over with her forearms on the island, "I saw that avocado sitting in your fruit bowl on the turn…"

"Thank you," Willow said in surprise, her stomach rumbling at the sight, "When the heck did you learn how to cook?"

"When my metabolism turned 30," Becky sighed.

"You mean when you turned 30," Willow replied with a soft smile.

"My metabolism turned 30 a couple of years after I did," Becky grinned, "It was fun while it lasted."

Willow held the mug with both hands and let it warm her palms.

"You've been holding out on us. Why don't you have any dinner parties?"

"We have a small apartment," Becky shrugged, "Plus all of that pressure would make B anxious."

Willow took a giant bite from the toast. It was the freshest, most flavorful thing she'd had in days (which felt like weeks).

"Well, it's delicious."

She tried to make an effort to eat it slowly, to savor the taste and also just to feel normal for a second. Becky didn't push for conversation and Willow didn't feel the need to offer it either.

When she finished the toast she continued to sip on her coffee and felt her shoulders relax a little.

"You wanna see pictures?" she offered.

Becky nodded quickly and Willow slid out her phone.

"I haven't sent them to anyone yet out of respect for Tara."

Becky nodded that she understood and took the phone when it was offered.

"They're beautiful, Willow. Who's who?"

"The right is Lily and the little one is Emily," Willow explained, "The kids made those little name signs, aren't they cute?"

"Adorable," Becky agreed, then looked up at Willow, "How are they doing?"

Willow gnawed on her lower lip.

"Lily is doing pretty well, considering. Her heart beats a little slow sometimes. And Emily's little lungs…they're just so immature. They shot Tara up with steroids when she went into early labor but Lily seems to have gotten most of the benefit. They did say it all happened so fast it may not have had any effect at all but Lily just gets oxygen through her nose, she's not all hooked up to tubes. Their little hands and feet are blue sometimes. And I just want to hold them and snuggle them like I did with the other two."

Becky covered Willow's hand and squeezed sympathetically.

"When can you hold them?"

"Once Lily can maintain her body temperature for long enough. Maybe just days," Willow replied hopefully with a swift nod, "And Em, they can't give any guarantees but they think if they can move her from the ventilator to the C-PAP that we can try. But that will be a couple of weeks at least."

"What about Tara?" Becky asked with a softly arched eyebrow.

Willow inhaled a slow breath.

"Tara is…"

She blinked several times and shook her head.

"Distraught. She barely speaks to me, to anyone. She won't let me help her with any of her care. I think she's mad at me."

Becky frowned.

"None of this is your fault."

Willow swallowed deeply.

"I don't think she thinks that."

"What?" Becky asked with a furrowed brow, "Why?"

"Just a feeling I'm getting," Willow replied, looking down.

Becky shook her head.

"I'm sure she doesn't blame you."

Willow just nodded, not exactly convinced.

"If everything is going well with her, I can wheel her up to the NICU the day after tomorrow, so…"

Becky's eyes offered a look of support.

"How are the kids coping?"

Willow sighed.

"Robyn is really missing Tara. She's throwing tantrums and wants her binky all the time. She hadn't even asked for that thing in ages. Her routine is just totally blown up and she doesn't really understand about the babies," she continued, feeling that neck cramp tightening up again, "JJ's been great, though. He's really stepped up with helping out his grandparents while all of this is going on."

"Have they been in to see her?" Becky asked.

Willow shook her head.

"Tara's at high-risk for infection so she can only have limited contact. But they said they can come in tomorrow for a short visit. Hoping it lifts everyone's spirits."

Becky gave Willow a long look.

"And what about you?"

Willow frowned.

"What about me?"

"How are you coping?" Becky asked softly.

Willow shrugged one shoulder.

"Fine."

"And really?" Becky pushed, raising both eyebrows.

Willow looked down and cleared her throat.

"If I teeter even a smidge away from 'fine', then I fall apart," she admitted, her whole body tensing to prevent just that, "And I can't fall apart."

Becky's brow furrowed with concern.

"Willow—"

Willow held a hand up.

"Becky, I know you mean well…"

Becky covered Willow's hand again, then just walked around to her and wrapped an arm around Willow's shoulders.

"I know that I'm not your best friend. I know Tara is that. But I am your oldest friend. And I'm built solid. You can lean on me until your best friend is back."

Willow looked up with her eyes full of tears and wrapped her arms around Becky's back as her head fell against Becky's chest. She didn't smell like Tara or feel like Tara but she was solid, just like she'd promised and Willow embraced that feeling she'd felt earlier of someone to take the weight off for a moment.

"Anything you need," Becky promised, "I will do for you. And so will the others. You could not be farther from alone, okay?"

"Thank you," Willow sniffled, "This would be so hard even with Tara at full health. I just want to be able to fix them all and I can't!"

Becky pulled back and looked Willow in the eye.

"No, but you can fix you. Take care of you. Because what's going to happen if you run yourself so far into the ground that you end up in hospital too?"

Willow's breath quickened and she found herself nodding resolutely.

"Yes, I know. I know, you're right."

Becky massaged Willow's shoulder.

"I am twenty minutes away any time you need a laugh or a cry or a hand with…anything. Please use me."

Willow just nodded again. Becky smiled.

"Now why don't you go take twenty minutes for you. Watch something or have a bath or just sit in silence. Whatever you want."

Willow swallowed.

"I-I really do appreciate what you're saying but I have to get that bag to Tara now so I can get back to the kids for bedtime and—"

"I'll go drop the bag off," Becky offered easily, "It's on my way home anyway."

Willow exhaled.

"Really?"

Becky nodded.

"Of course."

Willow swiped at her eyes.

"It would be kinda nice to just sit down and turn my brain off for a few minutes."

"Candy Crush?" Becky asked knowingly.

"Saga," Willow giggled back, "JJ got me addicted. The only thing better at shutting off the old noggin than…"

"Ain't that the truth," Becky murmured and bumped Willow's shoulder.

Willow punched her back in the arm and for a whole second, she felt normal.

She gave Becky the details of where to drop off the bag and told her Tara would be sleeping but she could just leave it under the bed.

Becky left Willow with another hug and a refill of coffee as she settled on the couch with her iPad and something close to a relaxed smile on her face.

Becky put the overnight back on the passenger seat and drove to the hospital. She found Tara's room and she was asleep, as Willow had advised, so Becky quietly left the bag under the bed.

Then, instead of leaving again, she sat in the chair sitting alongside the bed with her legs stretched out and watched her thumbs turn around each other in her lap.

A while passed in which Becky got very familiar with an impending hangnail on her index finger until a frail voice spoke up.

"B-Becky?"

Becky looked up and Tara's whole brow was furrowed.

"H-Has something happened to Willow?"

"No, no," Becky reassured, reaching out to take Tara's hand, "I just brought in your new clothes for you. Willow was running behind herself."

Tara looked stricken.

"S-She's not with the babies?"

Becky slowly shook her head.

"She was going to tuck the kids in."

Tara's forehead slowly evened out.

"Oh. Yes. Of course."

The room lapsed into silence and Becky looked at Tara with sympathy and concern.

"How are you doing?" she asked, then rolled her eyes at herself, "Stupid question, huh?"

Tara's eyes cast downward.

"I don't think I'm much up for visitors."

Becky pulled her chair closer to the bed.

"I'm not really here to visit," she replied with a steady nod, "See, I was speaking to Willow and I mentioned that I was her oldest friend."

Her head cocked curiously.

"And I sort of realized that I think I'm yours too."

Tara's eyes searched Becky's but eventually, she saw what Becky wanted her to see: safety. She blinked heavily several times. Becky squeezed her hand with Tara's.

"I can't even imagine the pain of not being able to see Lily and Emily."

Tara's head ducked but Becky continued in a soft voice.

"But I can — kinda, a little bit — imagine the pain of having your womb taken. And something tells me that pain is lost in there amongst all the other crap going on."

Tara looked up again, frowning.

"I-it's not…" her outer shoulder shrugged but her eyes betrayed her, "I-I wasn't going to have any more children. Even if we were, Willow could still…"

Becky was silent for a few moments, contemplative.

"A little over a year ago I found out I was pregnant."

Tara's eyes widened considerably and Becky smiled sadly.

"You know me. I never wanted kids. And finding out…did not change that. For Bri, either. We took the test together and looked at each other and we knew what we were going to do."

She patted a hand against her own thigh, clearly talking through a lump formed in her throat.

"So I made the appointment. Friday, after school for me, Brian would take a half-day. We were both relieved to have our plan and the weekend to recover. We even planned a little movie-night-in date for afterward so we could snuggle with a hot water bottle and some treats."

Becky released a slow breath.

"Then a few days before the appointment, I started to bleed. The pregnancy passed naturally."

She said it easily but her smile was still sad.

"I made that appointment. I would have gone through with that appointment," she said resolutely and clasped Tara's hand tighter while looking her right in the eye, "But it still sucked to have my choice taken away."

Tara's eyes filled with tears and Becky just nodded quickly, encouragingly. She stood up and moved over the bed, embracing Tara gently as Tara began to cry into Becky's shoulder and release some of the emotion she'd been struggling with.

Outside, Willow approached Tara's room with a freshly baked half-loaf of Michelle's banana bread for Tara to hopefully get some home comfort from. It was the only way she could consume bananas at all during pregnancy, so she'd taken quite a liking to it. Willow had brought it over especially for her after she'd tucked the kids in.

She heard soft crying just a foot away and frowned.

The frown only deepened when she stood in the doorway and watched Tara crying with Becky.

Feeling out of place as her wife was comforted by another, Willow turned back around and walked away sadly.

"Don' wan'a!"

"Robyn, you don't have a choice," Willow replied as Robyn hid her hands behind her back and refused to let Willow put the antiseptic hand gel from the dispenser on them.

"You gotta do it, Robbie," JJ encouraged, "Look, I did it."

Robyn twisted her body out of Willow's futile grasp and pouted.

"Don' like!"

"I don't like it either Robyn but you either let me wash your hands or you don't see Mommy!" Willow snapped, to disapproving looks from other people leaving and entering the hospital, and a couple of sympathetic ones too.

Robyn dropped onto her butt and began to wail.

Willow heaved out a quick sigh. She got down on her knees and felt all of her weight on her shoulders. She picked Robyn up and held her firmly in front of her, despite wiggling and protestations.

"Robyn, I know you don't want to wash your hands again but we talked about this. We need nice, clean hands so we don't get any germs on Mommy and make her sick."

Robyn's still face remained scrunched up and shook quickly from side to side.

Willow felt like throwing herself on the ground to kick and scream too.

"You miss Mommy," she sighed again, "I miss Mommy too."

She wasn't even sure where she was going with this.

"We can go see Mommy right now, but you have to wash your hands with this special soap."

"Look, Robbie, it's like magic," JJ spoke again, using the dispenser to get some sanitizer in his hands and wringing it away to dryness, "It appears…and just goes poof!"

Robyn seemed slightly appeased and leaned in to watch. She cautiously put her hand under the dispenser and giggled when the sanitizer plopped into her hands.

"Now rub it all away!" Willow encouraged and Robyn laughed loudly as she did just that, then clapped.

"Poof, poof!" she announced excitedly.

Willow dropped a kiss on Robyn's head and mouthed 'thank you' to JJ before leading them through the unit to Tara's room.

"Guys, remember, you can't jump all over Mommy. Very gentle hugs and you have to stay off the bed. Got it?"

"Got it," JJ confirmed.

"Gog ih!" Robyn added proudly, though she only had a tenuous grasp of what she was agreeing to.

They got to the door, Willow's hand on each of her children's back to grab them in case they lunged.

Tara was sitting up in bed, looking as well as she'd looked in days. Her hair was washed and brushed and she'd put on a little make-up to hide her pale face. Even her clothes had changed from mismatched PJs to a nice loose top and skirt that hid the catheter still attached underneath.

Willow realized she'd done her best to look normal for the kids but her eyes were still sunken and exhausted.

"Jakey, Robyn," Tara breathed and did seem to brighten upon seeing them all, "C'mere and give me a hug."

"Gentle," Willow reminded and held Robyn for the entirety of the hug just in case.

That kid used her legs like she was a teenage rebel protesting an anti-dancing ordinance.

Tara used her upper half to squeeze them both as hard as she could.

"I missed you, Mom," JJ admitted quietly, gnawing on the corner of his lip.

"I missed you so much," Tara replied, repeatedly kissing his forehead, "Both of you. Hey little bean, how's it going? Jakey, did you win your basketball game at the weekend?"

JJ stood by Tara's side, happily filling her in on all she'd missed. Willow sat on the visitor chair, holding Robyn by the waist as she stood on the armrest and snuggled into Tara's shoulder.

She had to admit, it was quite adorable to see her daughter's head of curls nuzzling Tara's neck. Occasionally Robyn would twirl her fingers in Tara's hair like she would as a baby when Tara was giving her a bottle.

Willow's arms suddenly felt so empty as she longed to cradle the two upstairs. She could only imagine how Tara felt.

All too soon, the short visit had to come to an end and Tara was clearly holding back tears so Willow didn't delay the goodbyes too much. Robyn was surprisingly passive and toddled on out holding JJ's hand.

"Willow?" Tara's shaken voice called out.

Willow looked back and put a hand on each of the kid's back again.

"Stay with your sister for a minute," she asked JJ as she guided them out the door.

She jogged back into Tara and slipped her hand in.

"Yeah?"

Tara seemed a little startled by Willow's touch but shook it off.

"H-Hi," she swallowed, her pale lips betraying the true color of her face, "You're going up to the NICU now right?"

Willow nodded.

"Yeah, the sibling support worker said we could bring them to the window so they can look in and see the babies."

"And you'll stay with them after?" Tara asked insistently.

"With the kids? Of c—" Willow started but Tara cut her off with a swift shake of her head.

"With the babies."

Willow slowly frowned.

"Well…I gotta get the kids home for dinner. I was going to come back after but I was thinking maybe we could have dinner together. I can bring in something better than the tray stuff you've been getting."

Tara shook her head again.

"You should go straight to the NICU."

Willow offered a light smile.

"I can bring you in that lemon chicken scallop—"

"You should go straight," Tara insisted, "I-I have to eat the meals they give me until my blood sugars regulate again."

The smile on Willow's face faltered.

"I want to come here. I don't have to bring food."

Willow actually saw Tara's jaw move with the intensity of her clench.

"I need you to be with the babies."

"Why can't I be with you too?" Willow asked, trying to squeeze Tara's hand, only for it to be withdrawn.

Tara's whole jaw was trembling now.

"Because MY body failed them so I need to know that YOU will be there!"

Willow's heart broke.

"Tara, your body didn't…"

Tara's whole face turned away and Willow felt like she was making everything ten times worse.

"Okay. Okay, Tara. I'll go to the babies."

Tara's face turned back but her eyes remained downcast.

"Will you send me pictures?"

That was it, heart shattered.

"Yes," Willow said softly, "I'll send you pictures."

She paused and pushed away from the bed.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"You'll be here on time?" Tara requested meekly.

Willow nodded.

"Doctor rounds at 8. I'll be here at 7:30."

She walked to the door but stopped and looked back.

"Tara?" she said softly, "I love you."

Tara's eyes filled with tears and she didn't respond, but she did nod quickly and Willow knew the sentiment was returned. She blew a kiss and hoped the tears threatening to spill from her own eyes didn't spill before she got the kids upstairs.

She recovered enough in the elevator to stem the flow and complimented the kids on how well they'd acted with Tara.

Up in the NICU, the sibling support worker, an older woman named Marie, greeted them and introduced herself to JJ and Robyn. She brought them into a side room that had an incubator with a dolly in it to prepare them for what they were about to see. JJ asked some questions and Robyn just wanted to play with the doll.

Willow walked with them down the corridor and picked up Robyn so she could see above the window when they got there. The nurses in the NICU had brought the incubators close in preparation and positioned them sidelong so they could all see right in.

"That's Lily," Willow pointed out, "And that's Emily. Those are your little sisters."

JJ stared in at them wide-eyed, eyes darting back and forth like Willow's had that first night.

Robyn seemed keen on the idea that her little sisters were like the dolly she wanted to play with. Then she saw Lily do a wiggle and suddenly she started to roar, terrified.

Willow had to jostle to keep her in her arms and tried to put Robyn's face into her neck to muffle the cries.

"Okay, this is too much for her."

"Entirely normal," Marie soothed, "It's a very overwhelming sight."

Willow thanked her for her time and had to pull at JJ's t-shirt to get him to follow her.

"Momma, I wanna see the babies! I wanna see how the machine works that helps Emily breathe!"

Willow was flustered until she got them all back out to the elevator.

"I'll bring you back to see them okay? Without your sister."

JJ frowned but he tried to remember he helped by being good and didn't protest.

Robyn was still crying back at the car, so Willow just grabbed a pacifier from the seat pocket and popped it into her mouth, dejected.

She knew she'd come to regret it, but there was only so much she could put up with in one day.