2009 - Now - Denver, CO
Will walked at night in Denver, when the moon was out and he could see his way in the dark. He didn't want to take a flashlight, because it hampered his awareness of other things: the sounds of animals moving slowly in their habitats, toads hopping ponderously on the sidewalk, the occasional fox or raccoon lumbering across the road. He felt a part of things then, in a way he seldom did otherwise. It was a connection to the night, and it was something he needed, when he was missing other things.
It didn't bother him when the night was cold. He had his favorite green fleece, and even though the nights in Denver were chillier than in Lima, he liked the way it felt, to be out in the icy sharp night. Walking kept his blood flowing, and he kept his hands in his pockets. He had a warm hat. And the longer he walked, the closer he felt to Toby.
Toby taught dance at Denver School for the Arts, but only in the afternoon. He had tried teaching mornings one year, but it nearly got him fired, as he just couldn't manage to get up that early. Will teased him about his inability to function before noon, but it was just a fact of life; in the same way that Toby had a high voice and was a spectacular dancer, his natural rhythm only allowed for him to be awake from twelve noon to four am. The other eight hours, he was comatose, nearly impossible to be roused, and, if forced to get up during this time, obscenely bitchy. So Toby taught afternoons, and at night, he danced.
Sometimes Toby had a regular gig in a local show. That was the easiest money, and kept his actor's equity membership current. Will enjoyed watching him from the audience, although he often was dancing with other lovers, which was a little awkward for Toby, since their agreement stipulated a clear don't ask,don't tell policy about Toby's part time boyfriends. Toby was mostly able to ward them away before things got difficult, but sometimes Will would leave by himself after a performance when it was clear that one lover or another was particularly annoyed by Will's presence.
It wasn't Will being in Toby's life to which they objected. It was that Will was straight, and Toby was the gayest thing ever to grace the Colorado stage, and as far as the gay community in Denver was concerned, it was a whole mess of stupid for Toby and Will to keep trying to make it work. But it had been – God, was it really fifteen years? – and they were still together, still attending functions together, still going dancing at the club when Will was in town. Still clearly in love, after all this time.
Other times, Toby worked at the club, dancing for tips, and Will liked that a lot, because god, Toby was gorgeous. Watching Toby put himself on display, up on the stage, working the crowd, had led to some of the most blisteringly steamy sex of Will's life. He loved watching Toby from the audience, letting himself get nearly out of control with desire, until it was time to take Toby home, and maul him once they reached the parking lot. Sometimes they didn't even make it past the men's room. Toby didn't like the idea of Will risking his career for the sake of public sex, no matter how hot it was, but Will could be very persuasive.
But sometimes, Toby danced for an escort service. Toby never gave specifics, but Will interpreted "escort service" as "thinly veiled excuse for prostitution." Will didn't feel good about this, didn't like it at all, no matter how safe Toby claimed it was, and no matter how good Toby said the tips were. One day Toby came home with a thousand dollar tip, and when Will had asked him what he'd done to earn it, Toby had asked Will if he really wanted to know. Will had decided he didn't. They'd spent it on a weekend in Buenos Aires, one of the best weekends of his life, and he'd tried not to think too hard about what particular actions had funded their travel.
On those nights, when Toby was out working, Will walked. Even when it was bitterly cold, he just covered his ears and wrapped Toby's muffler around his mouth, so he could smell his cologne, and put on his fleece jacket, and kept his hands deep in his pockets, and walked for a long time, into the night. Sometimes he took Annie with him, stepping out on her leash, but mostly he went by himself. Sometimes he was able to obliterate thoughts of Toby's activities with loud music on his iPod, or by working through Glee arrangements in his head. But mostly he kept to a simple mantra: Toby's coming home. Toby's away now, but he's still coming home. He's coming home to you.
He wondered if Toby's dancing had served a similar function for him, to block out the idea of Will in Lima, with Terri. He sometimes wondered if Toby even really cared that Will lived most of his life in another city, with a wife, and a life he only knew about through phone calls and emails, and conversations with Brad and his wives. Toby had never seemed too perturbed by Will talking about Terri, whether he was upset by something she'd done or telling a funny story about her. But sometimes, when Will would wake up in the early morning, and Toby was sleeping the sleep of the dead, he would catch Toby in a bad dream, and the name on his lips was always Will, was never Colin or David or Michael or one of the other men with whom Toby shared his life the other days of the year, that Will wasn't allowed to ask about, and about whom Toby never talked.
That was their agreement. When they were together, it was Toby and Will, and it was very much like they were newlyweds, snarking at each other over breakfast, going shopping, walking Annie, making slow, exquisite love at various times of the day. Toby took Will to premieres, showing him proudly on his arm, and if Will never introduced himself to anybody, that seemed okay with Toby. They went clubbing in other cities, behaving as though they were in their twenties, living a little dangerously but feeling armored with relative anonymity. Toby's neighbors knew Will by first name, and treated him as though he were Toby's partner, or at the very least his long-term boyfriend. It felt good to Will, felt ordinary and comfortable. Being with Toby felt like home.
But when Will and Toby weren't together, when Will was in Lima and Toby was in Denver, or wherever he was touring during the summer, Toby's life was off-limits. Will wasn't allowed to ask what he did on his days off, or with whom he was spending his time.
This was their agreement, because Will couldn't give Toby what he really wanted. He wasn't going to leave Terri, because Terri was his wife, and Will stuck to his commitments. And he really did love Terri, even if she was an insufferable bitch most of the time. He really did love spending time with her, even though she was trying and cruel and full of spite. He really did want to be part of her family, even though her sister was one of the most obnoxious people he'd ever met. He wouldn't have been able to explain why if Toby had ever asked, but Toby never did. He just accepted this about Will, in the same way that he accepted that Will used the word "straight" to describe himself, when even in the same breath he was able to wrap his mouth around Toby's cock. He accepted that Will had no desire to be gay,or to leave his life in Lima to be with Toby.
That didn't stop Toby from asking him to change his mind, every time they saw one another. He didn't pressure Will, never made it more than an offer, or sometimes a teasing joke, when they were feeling particularly confident and secure in one another. Will always declined, sometimes with good humor, other times with frustration and even anger. But most of the time, that part of their visit passed without incident, and they were able to get on to enjoying the rest of the time they had together, before Will had to go back to Lima. Toby always asked, and Will always said no, I love you, but I can't, and that was it.
That had been it, until this visit.
Will knew this visit would be different, because Terri was no longer part of his life. He had packed up his clothes and books and musical instruments and sports equipment and every part of his personal history, and removed as many traces of Terri from his life. Then he had moved out of their house and into a cheap apartment. Then he had called Toby, and asked to come home.
Toby had not questioned this, had not even asked Will for specifics, just cleared his calendar for Will, had even taken one of his spare three-a-year personal days to be able to be with Will on the afternoon he arrived. He held Will under the covers for hours while he cried and raged, and made him forget for a little while what was happening. He listened while Will talked about his love for Emma, who'd become such an important part of his life, and his fears for the future. Toby had loved him as best as he knew how, and had let him insinuate himself into Toby's life, even to go so far as to stay at Toby's house through the middle of the week, something he'd never done before.
And now it was coming up on five days together, the longest they'd ever spent under one roof together in a single stretch, and it was still wonderful. Even when they argued, they did it cleanly, without malice, and the sex was brilliant and sweet.
Will knew Toby was getting ready to ask him, as he always did, to make a change in his life. And, for the first time, Will had no idea what he was going to say. Because when Will tried to think of a single reason why he wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with Toby, to be his partner and lover and friend in all things, to give him the freedom to stop dancing for tips (should he desire to do that), to spend every night in the space on the right side of his bed – he could only think of one.
It was a big one: that he would, after all, miss his life in Lima, would miss Glee club terribly, not to mention Brad and Laurie and Andi, and Emma. Oh, he would miss Emma. But he could not say with certainty that he would not miss Toby more, and if Toby asked him, as he had been asking for fifteen years, to make a choice, he was not sure what that choice would be.
So he walked, into the night, and lost himself in the walking, still reciting his mantra, Toby's coming home, he's not here now, but he'll be home soon, he's still coming home. And, sometimes, just for effect, he would change it up, trying it on for size: you're coming home, this is your home, you can stay, it's your home.
It didn't feel bad at all.
This Is Me
Words And Music By
Cheryl Wheeler
http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=3OBeMH1_W8g
Some days, I can tell
You are holding back the river with a broken dam
And sometimes, do you feel
like you're riding with the wrong reins in your hand?
Don't tell yourself you have used up all your chances
This is me talkin' now
This is me who loves you still
And you know I always will
Some things never change
You were always just the one I couldn't live without
I can't turn some page
And pretend it's all undone and I don't love you now
You close your eyes, and remember what I told you
This is me talkin' now
This is me who loves you still
And you know I always will
Let it go, little darlin'
Go on back to sleep
There are no bridges burning
Between you and me
We have years to fill
And all the days behind us for believing in
And we have tales to tell
And we would always have Paris - if we'd ever been
I feel your heart, beating true across this distance
This is me talkin' now
This is me who loves you still
And you know I always will