Chapter 20
The following Monday, Cuddy doesn't ask House to join her for the appointment, and House refrains from bothering her again, refusing to beg. He sits in his office at his desk, awaiting the news.
Last Friday, when he stood next to her bed after taking the Doppler machine from her lax fingers and turning it off, he looked at her sleeping form and realized that he hadn't made any progress whatsoever in falling out of love with her. Still, he decided to stick with his tactic of keeping his distance from her.
He has been nervous all day, and was mocked for it by Wilson during lunch. Finally, around four, he receives a text from her: 'Baby's healthy. Sex inconclusive.' He exhales carefully, only now realizing that he's been holding his breath since his cell phone vibrated.
His divorce papers arrived this morning. He had already mulled over the arrangement with Dominica while he was at Mayfield, even discussed it with Nolan, and had contacted both Dominica and a lawyer in the week after his release.
He pages through them and places his signatures next to Dominica's in the designated places, makes several copies, and puts the original in an envelope addressed to his lawyer.
Before he leaves to head for physical therapy, he stops by Cuddy's office, which is empty. He leaves one of the copies on her desk.
On Wednesday, he talks to Nolan about his discussion with Cuddy, his conflicting emotions regarding her and the baby, and his fear of finding out he might have a son.
"Well, since your fear is less about finding out but more about how to deal with an infant that has the potential of triggering buried and unwanted emotions, I say we deal with them when you know."
"Her next appointment isn't until several more weeks." House slumps his shoulders, his apprehension gnawing on him.
"You're both doctors," Nolan states, somewhat irritated House appears oblivious to their options.
House stomps his cane against the floor and remains quiet.
Nolan's expression switches into one of comprehension. "House, your childhood does not predetermine you behavior towards your child. A son might be the bigger challenge for you, but therein lies a prospective blessing: For you to come to terms with your past."
House rubs his forehead. He's afraid he'll fail.
"We'll deal with it," Nolan assures him. "You're not alone."
On Friday, House has the courage to page Cuddy to an exam room for a consult.
She frowns when the room is empty except for him. "Where's your patient?"
"Just arrived," he announces, ushering her inside. "Sit down," he instructs, nodding towards the exam table of which he already elevated the back. He closes the door and locks it.
"What are you doing?"
"Giving the little mango some privacy. Maybe he or she comes more after me and doesn't show off particular assets to just anyone."
She scowls at him, folding her arms across her bump.
"Come on," he urges her, dropping his sarcasm. "You wanna know, I wanna know, Rachel wants to know… Plus, there are some bets going on, and I could use the money. Do you have any idea how expensive a divorce is?"
"I'm not doing this."
He sighs in frustration. "What do you want? For me to say pretty please?"
She considers her options for a bargain. "On what did you bet?"
"Depended on the poll. Maximize my output. With the nurses' I went with boy, cuz most of them think pink."
"And what's your preference?"
"This is your condition? I tell you, you let me do the ultrasound?"
She shrugs affirmatively.
"A girl."
She seems surprised. "Why?"
He narrows his eyes at her. "How many more questions do you get before we get to your part of the deal?"
Exhaling, she throws him an annoyed pout, but moves to lie down on the exam table.
He sits on the stool next to her and reaches for the gel while she lifts her sweater. "What do you want it to be?" he asks, momentarily mesmerized by her exposed belly. With only her skin serving as a barrier, he feels oddly close to the fetus, and the sentiment takes him slightly off-guard.
"Either's fine."
He cocks his head, doubting her answer. "You're just reiterating the socially acceptable answer," he challenges, prying his eyes from her bump and turning on the ultrasound machine. Then he squirts the gel on her lower belly and hands her a cotton pad to distribute it.
"A boy," she mumbles.
She seems somewhat embarrassed, and he wants to know the reason. "Seriously? Not a lesser Rachel?"
Her eyebrows shoot up. "Can't play without any chips," she quips. "I asked first."
Pulling the corner of his mouth to the side, he contemplates whether or not to open up to her. Especially since he's been so adamant at keeping his distance. But he's curious. "I didn't run around with pigtails." He grabs for the wand and places the lower end on her abdomen.
She gasps briefly, and shoots him a questioning frown.
"Fewer parallels," he elaborates. "Shrinks the canvas for projection."
Then they both catch sight of a foot on the monitor and forget about Cuddy's reason. They hold their breaths as House searches the groin region of the embryo, adjusting some panels here and there in order to increase the clarity of the view.
"Is that…?" Cuddy starts, squinting at the screen.
House moves his head closer to the monitor. "Yeah," he agrees after having improved the image once more. "Yeah. Definitely equipped." House bows his head. "I guess you win this round," he mumbles. He replaces the wand in its holder and turns off the machine. It's a boy; his fears have turned into reality. Absentmindedly, he rubs his thigh.
"House," Cuddy calls out to him, trying to shift his attention.
He glances at her hesitantly. Her expression is soft and caring. Tears are brimming in her eyes.
"House, whatever you're afraid of, whatever happened to you, it's not going to happen again. To this child. And you know why?"
He stares at her belly, giving her a brief shake of the head.
"Because I'm not gonna let it." She sounds resolute.
His eyes shoot up to meet hers. "Is that a threat?" he asks feebly. "I screw up and you take him from me?"
"No!" She seems shocked at his assumption. "I'm saying that the one thing I'm fairly decent at is keeping you in line."
He raises his eyebrows dubiously.
She smirks. "Adding a margin here and there." Serious again, she continues, "House, I know you. I know what you can and can't handle. I can tell when you're swamped; when things get over your head. And we'll find a way to make this work for you."
He lowers his eyes again, feeling vulnerable and unable to hold her gaze. It stuns him that he never truly thought of this. He has been so focused on his fear of repeating his father's mistakes without taking much note of his mother's role in the scheme of things. There was no way in the world his son would have to suffer through the same hell as him, because Cuddy wasn't gonna let that happen. She will protect their son with the same fierceness she has always protected him. Like a lioness.
His is so relieved at the realization that he feels tears pricking.
"House," she repeats, her voice filled with concern and care.
Her hand lifts from where it has been resting on the exam table and reaches out for him. He feels utterly exposed and embarrassed, and is afraid her touch might cause him to further unravel, so he backs away, almost falling backwards off the stool. He grabs his cane and bolts from the room as quickly as his leg allows him.