A/N:
Two weeks in a row, guys!
I deleted the first *eight* pages of this chapter because they just didn't fit. Rewriting it all did destroy my soul.
BPOV
I wake up the next morning slowly. I'm alone and it takes a while for the fog of sleep to lift enough to remind me that I shouldn't be. The edge of a note sticks out from underneath my pillow.
You talk in your sleep.
I'll be back to pick you up for school.
Oh no.
Oh no.
I knew that - Renee had complained about it endlessly - but it stupidly never occurred to me to think about it in conjunction with him. I try really, really hard to remember my dreams from the night before and come up blank. That's a good sign. Usually, I can recall them, so the fact that I can't means I probably didn't have any.
Probably.
Maybe.
The possibilities make my stomach turn. It's not the most pleasant way to wake up.
My poor morning continues once I hear Charlie fumbling around in the bathroom a few minutes later. Our conversation last night hadn't really had a logical conclusion. He had to leave and then I bolted.
His letter was honest, heartfelt, healing … and still not a magical fix for the damage that had been done. My brain knew the truth now. My heart, on the other hand, would take some time to catch up.
Would it be awkward between us now? The thought makes my chest feel hollow. For all the misread intentions and unspoken feelings that had plagued our relationship, Charlie and I had always been comfortable with each other. I never felt off-kilter with him, which is part of why I'm so frustrated with myself now.
I had always felt loved here in this house. Welcomed and appreciated and liked. I just always felt like a guest - someone who was fun to have around for a while, but whose departure left you breathing a sigh of relief because it meant things could go back to normal.
That wasn't really the case, though. Charlie had made that clear in our conversation and in his letter. He wanted me here. He thought about me when I was gone. He planned his life with me in mind, too.
So, given those things - given that I felt loved and appreciated and liked, and given the fact that I now knew I was wanted - it should be easy for things to be 'better', whatever that looked like. It should be easy to patch the tiny gap in the circuit that is my relationship with my father. A simple reattaching of wires and boom; the light is on.
But it isn't and that really, really fucking sucks.
A knock on my door startles me out of my twisty train of thought.
"Bella?" Dad's voice is hushed. "Are you awake?"
"Yeah," I call in the same weird whisper-shout, not wanting to wake the other kids. "You can come in."
The door creaks open and Dad cringes with each high-pitched burst of noise. He leaves it open, which is a smart move. He sits on my bed and looks everywhere but at me, and I hate with all my heart that it is awkward.
When he finally manages to look at me, I wish he hadn't.
"I tried to call your mom last night."
And I don't know how I didn't see that coming because of course he did. How could he not?
"It said her number had been disconnected," Charlie leads, then lets the sentence hang there, hoping I'll finish it for him.
I don't. Instead, I pick at the loose threads that hang off my bedspread until his hand covers mine.
Soft and gentle, like I'm a wounded bird, he asks, "Bell, when is the last time you talked to her?"
And honestly, fuck Renee. Because I just want this one day free of her bullshit, and I can't have it with Charlie here talking about these awful things. The idea of dragging this horrible conversation on any longer than is strictly necessary is abhorrent, though, so I decide to be honest.
"Before I got on the plane to come here."
Charlie starts. Sucks in a sharp breath. "I thought you said she called on your-,"
"Yeah, well, that was a lie. I learned from the best, I suppose."
"Bella," he says in the same scolding way Edward did earlier.
I shake him off. "I don't know how to get a hold of her. I'm not even sure why you want to."
"Because," he sputters, incredulous, "she deserves to pay for -,"
"Yeah, she does," I agree, and oh, I sound so bitter. "But she won't. There's nothing you can say to her that's going to make her feel bad about what she did. You'll just end up angrier than you are now."
And sadder and more hurt. Because if ever there was an opportunity to apologize, Renee would make sure she did the total opposite, just to prove a point. I of all people would know.
It's not a cycle I want to repeat, and I know that if he keeps trying to call her, I'll get my hopes up. I'll think that maybe this time, she'll be different. Then when she isn't, I'll be crushed.
In the quiet that follows, I decide to be different. I decide to ask for what I want because staying silent and assuming I won't get it has not served me well in the past.
"Dad, could you - could you maybe just leave it alone? For me?"
At first, I think he's going to question me, but then his whole body deflates and he smiles instead.
"Yeah, kid. I can do that. Will you let me know if you hear from her, though?"
I agree. He tells me about EJ's worsening rash, how he took off work today to take him to the pediatrician in Port Angeles this afternoon. He promises to keep my updated, moves to leave the room, hesitates in the doorway.
"I wanted to talk to you about your tardy yesterday."
And I mean. Fucking really? Honestly? That's what's on his mind right now?
Charlie's eyes widen in response to my murderous glare.
"No, no," he rushes out, flapping his hands stupidly. "No, I wanted to say I'm sorry for the way I reacted."
Oh. Well. That was okay then.
Charlie continues. "I don't care about that - I never really did. I just…when you moved here, things were going so well. You seemed so happy. I was happy, " He smiles at me and stares off in the distance, far away for a second.
"But then you got so sad after what happened on the trail that day - with the bear attack. And you got real defensive about the Cullen kid, and then just plain defensive, and I don't know. I guess I just kinda felt like he had wrecked everything. Even before we talked, I knew it wasn't his fault. I just didn't want to admit that you and I had problems."
"I get that," I assure him.
Dad sighs again, but this one is relieved.
"Is he picking you up again today?"
I try not to sound too much like the female lead in a nineties teen movie when I confirm that yes, he is. Dad's laugh echoing down the hallway tells me I've failed.
Dad raises an eyebrow at me when I come downstairs.
"You look nice," he calls over the sizzling of bacon on the stove in front of him.
I'm immediately self-conscious. Dressing for the day had been a task. I wanted to look good, but not so good that it looked like I was trying to look good. The outfit I ended up choosing is still very casual - dark jeans that are a little tighter than I would usually wear, and a red, wrap-around sweater - but it's a noticeable departure from my typically haphazard ensembles.
I mumble out a 'thanks' and sit next to EJ, whose rash definitely is worse, but whose spirits remain high, then reach over to grab Addie, who only seems happy lately if I'm holding her. She coos with content and presses her chubby cheek against my chest, further proving my point.
Dad places a plate in front of me and I eat as quickly as I can while keeping Addie's tiny, grabby hands from finding purchase. In between my own bites, I bring mushy bits of banana to her mouth and she smacks loudly, which makes the three of us laugh.
A full fifteen minutes before I usually leave for school, Edward knocks on the door.
"I'll get it," Dad offers immediately. He's out of the kitchen and at the door before I can really even protest. I try to pry Addie off of me without upsetting her too badly, which proves difficult, so I give up and resign myself to watching the train wreck unfold.
"Good morning, Chief Swan," I hear Edward greet. His voice is very demure, respectful, all around-boy-scouty, which is ironic given that he spent the night here last night.
"Good morning, Edward. Why don't you come sit down for a minute? Eat some breakfast."
Edward accepts the invitation, to my complete horror, and EJ bolts from his seat to greet him. I hear stompy footsteps and a shriek of pure joy, then Dad's gentle voice.
"Whoa there, Rash King. Slow your roll. Let's not give Edward whatever you've got, yeah?"
EJ says something back and Dad tries to soothe his disappointment, but that's peripheral because they're back in the kitchen now and so Edward's face is commanding all of my attention.
We stare at each other for a moment while Dad and EJ go back and forth. I pat myself on the back for making excellent choices when Edward's eyes linger on the exposed skin of my collarbones and chest.
"Good morning, Bella." He winks at me, mischievous, and I just know that I must have said something truly mortifying last night.
"Morning," I mumble out.
The three boys settle down at the table. Dad offers Edward food, which he declines, and EJ pouts a little, sad at the physical distance between the two of them.
I rub his back in sympathy. I'd be sad if I couldn't touch Edward, too.
"EJ," Edward calls. "I brought something for you."
EJ bounces in his seat. "You did!?"
"You didn't have to do that," Dad protests at the same time.
"It's nothing," Edward assures, reaching into his backpack. He pulls out what I think is a stick, but based on EJ's reaction might actually be gold and or a magic wand.
"For your collection."
"Whoa," EJ whispers. "That is such a good stick."
With a bizarre amount of appreciation, Dad agrees, "It really is."
After that, breakfast is mostly just talking about what makes a stick good or bad. I offer a contribution about color variation and am met with three equally disgusted faces, so I tap out because clearly I'm an idiot.
Dad's chair scrapes loudly against the floor. "You kids better get to school. Don't want you to be late again." He throws a pointed look to Edward, who seems appropriately chastened.
"Yes, sir."
I make sure Charlie is looking at me when I scowl and roll my eyes, a necessary measure to keep him from feeling too authoritarian after Edward's docile compliance.
Addie wails when I hand her off and I bite my lip, resisting the urge to snatch her back.
"You know, you could pretend to like me a little," Charlie teases her. "Scoot, Bell. She'll be fine once you're gone."
I say goodbye to EJ even though he's definitely more bummed about Edward's leaving than mine. I'm torn; I want to delay leaving as long as possible because I'm terrified to hear whatever happened last night, but I'm also desperate to be alone with Edward again. I stand stagnant in the kitchen for a moment, which makes Addie scream more, and then Charlie urges me more insistently out of the house.
Charlie wishes us a good day, I think, but it's hard to hear over Addie's screams.
The car slips smoothly out of the driveway and I stare straight ahead, refusing to even look at Edward, who's sitting in the passenger grinning from ear to ear. I wait for him to bring it up, but the minutes pass by in silence. Finally, I crack, the agony of the unknown worse than the fear of embarrassment.
"Tell me."
"Tell you?" He's the embodiment of innocence, from his bewildered expression to his 'who, me?' tone. It's infuriating.
"Edward!" I whine. "Come on. Let's just get this over with. What did I say last night?"
He ignores me. "Addie's stopped crying now. It took Charlie longer than he thought it would to calm her down."
"You can hear her from here?" I ask, sufficiently distracted.
He nods and I marvel. We're maybe five miles from the house at this point.
"Like, hear her or hear her?"
Edward mimics my exaggerated eyebrow movements and weird inflection. "Both."
"Seriously?"
Another nod.
"What does she think about?"
"You, mostly."
"Shut up," I gripe, sure he's teasing.
"I'm serious," Edward insists. "Babies are needs-based creatures. She needs warmth, food, and affection. You give all three of those. Of course, they also have the short term memory of a fly, so she forgets you ever existed as soon as you leave."
I make a face. "So how far can you hear?"
"Hear or hear?" He mocks, grinning. He turns into the Forks High parking lot. "I can read someone's mind a few miles off - farther if I really know them. My ability to parse sounds depends on the sound. Right now, I can hear Mr. Banner setting up for a movie in the biology lab." The gear shift makes a soft clicking sound as Edward shifts into park.
There are a dozen questions on the tip of my tongue, but suddenly, Edward's right there, in my space, and the look on his face makes me forget how to breathe, let alone speak.
His eyes are dark, mouth opened, breath coming heavy.
He looks hungry.
"Last night," he starts, voice burning, "You called my name for hours. You twisted your bedsheets in your fingers and begged me to touch you. I had to leave before I took you right there."
My heart skips a beat and whatever embarrassment I thought I would feel is absent. There is only want.
"I couldn't tell you when you asked a moment ago because we were alone. And if you had looked at me then like you're looking at me now, I would have taken you home, or to a field, or hell - this car, and made good on those dreams."
He sits back in his seat and pinches the bridge of his nose, going very still.
It takes everything I have to bring air in and out of my lungs. It's only through concentrated effort that I'm not hyperventilating.
He sounds calmer, but still gruff when he speaks again. "Your father actually likes me, which is a miracle. I can't ruin that by kidnapping you from school and-,"
It's not hard to guess what the end of that sentence would be.
"I thought nothing in the world would be harder than stopping myself from draining you dry that first day in biology." He laughs, humorless. "I don't know if I'm relieved or sad I was wrong."
I think of his eyes that first day, pitch black and angry, and realize with a cold sense of dread that he was an altogether different kind of hungry then. Fear mixes with the arousal, makes me nauseous and unfocused.
Edward wilts with remorse. "I'm sorry. I'm scaring you."
"You're not."
We both know it's a lie.
"All you wanted was a normal day and I've ruined it."
"You haven't." Those words are true, so they sound strong and sure.
A half-hearted smile tugs at his lips. "You're very gracious."
It's quiet for a moment while I search for something to say or do to lighten the mood.
"Did my babbling keep you up all night?" I tease (or try to; my tone is a little weak to pull it off) ghosting my fingers over the dark purple shadows under his eyes.
I've missed the mark. Edward's mood sours further.
"The answer to that doesn't fall under the umbrella of 'normal'."
"I hate that I ever even said normal. Forget that I did," I plead. "It was a poor choice of words and it's not what I meant."
"What did you mean, then?" he questions darkly
"I just want to be happy with you today. That's all."
Edward wilts. "I'm sorry. Really. I'm irritable and it's not your fault."
"It is if I kept you awake," I argue.
"I don't sleep, Bella. Ever."
"Like, you have insomnia?"
"No," he snorts a laugh - small, but genuine - out of his nose. "I mean my kind don't sleep. We can't."
"Oh," I breathe.
Edward says nothing.
The silence in the car is suffocating and the clock on the dash tells me I've only got a few minutes to salvage the morning before we have to head to class.
"Okay," I announce, using the same voice I use when EJ refuses to take a bath; commanding but gentle. "I call a do-over."
"A do-over?"
"Yes. I want a happy day. I deserve a happy day. So do you. And we're gonna have one."
I lean over and kiss him square on the mouth. His response is enthusiastic but tame. He pulls away first, resting his forehead against mine.
"Sorry I was crabby."
The scent of his breath makes me dizzy.
"Sorry my brother tried to infect you with his gross rash."
Edward belly-laughs and just like that, the mood has shifted.
"C'mon. We better get going."
He takes my bag for me while we walk to first period.
"He's got hand-foot-mouth, by the way."
"What?"
"EJ's rash," Edward explains. "It's hand-foot-mouth. Nothing serious at its worst, and he's got a very mild case."
"How on earth could you possibly know that?"
"Medical school." Edward shrugs, blase, like what he's said is totally normal and not at all insane. "Four times."
I stop dead on the sidewalk.
"Bella?"
"Tell me more," I demand. I catch up with him quickly, excited now.
"Like what?"
"What other things are different for you? The good ones. Happy day, remember?"
Edward nods, agreeing to that as we come to a stop across the hallway from the door of my first class. He tilts his head towards mine, bringing his mouth closer to my ear, and speaks lowly.
"The best thing is the speed. We're fast- incredibly so. Human eyes can't track us. And we're strong, too. Strong enough to pick up large bears and throw them into trees."
"Oh my God," I whisper-shout, victorious. "EJ was right!"
"Yes," he sounds chagrined. "I didn't want to lie to him, Bella. I really didn't."
"I tell him the park is closed all the time, just to avoid an argument when I don't feel like taking him. Your lie is way more justified."
"You're so calm about all of this. Are you blocking things out again?" He seems troubled by the thought.
I shrug. "No. I don't need to."
And that's the honest truth. Sure, being confronted with my own mortality in the car had been unpleasant, but I trust Edward.
"I repress unpleasant things." I pull back so he can see how honest, how earnest I am.. "There's nothing unpleasant about you, Edward."
It's all over his face - his disagreement, his insecurity, his fear. He doesn't believe me.
But that's okay. I love him enough for both of us.
The rest of the morning passes quickly. Edward drops me off at every class and is always waiting against the wall when I walk out. He drops little bits of information as we move around the school. I learn he plays the cello in addition to the piano, and the guitar. He tells me the only person who still plays games with him is Alice, but they never actually end because she sees everything he'll do, and then he hears what she sees. (Thinking about that constant loop makes my head hurt.)
He holds my hands and carries my things and I'm very sure if he had a letter-jacket, he'd give that to me, too. It's all very traditional and proper, and I think I may die from sheer satisfaction.
Jessica is out of school today, which I am equally relieved and disappointed about. I genuinely wanted to talk to someone about everything that was happening with Edward, but knowing that he would be listening was nerve-wracking. I'm contemplating the merits of calling her tonight while we walk to the cafeteria when Edward suddenly stiffens beside me.
"Edward?"
He says nothing, but he pulls his hand loose from mine and wraps his arm around me instead, pulling me into his side. It's difficult to look at his face while we're walking side by side like this because he's so much taller than I am. I can't get a good look at his eyes, but his jaw is tense.
"Edward?" I question again. "What's up?"
"I like your outfit today," he compliments, seeming to ignore my question. Some of the tension leaves his face when he looks down at me, and his lips pull back into a half-hearted grin.
"Thank you." I blush and stutter.
"Mike does, too."
My nose wrinkles in distaste.
"Yuck. Keep that to yourself next time, if you don't mind."
It's clear my reaction soothes him. His shoulders drop and his easy-going smile returns.
"Sorry."
I grab my food, arguing when Edward tries to pay, and we sit in the same corner of the cafeteria we did yesterday. Edward asks me little questions while I eat - what my favorite food is, if I like to cook, what you feed a baby - and listens to every answer like it contains the cure for cancer.
I'm in the middle of explaining how to make lasagna when Angela approaches our table, looking nervous.
"Hey, guys," she greets.
Edward smiles at her pleasantly. "Hello, Angela."
She looks like she might pass out. She blinks rapidly and she shakes her head a little like she's trying to clear it.
"Hey, Ang," I say, throwing her a lifeline. "What's up?"
"Er- I just wanted to know if we were still heading to Port Angeles after school today?"
My eyebrows furrow in confusion, and then I remember the plans we made on my birthday, back in my Edwardless fog.
"I completely forgot," I say apologetically. "But I'd still like to go if you want to."
"Of course. Um, should I pick you up from your house, or?"
"You live on the opposite side of town. We can just leave from here if that works for you?"
"Yeah," she smiles. "That's perfect. I'll see you then."
Edward smirks after she walks away. "Sick of me already?"
"Oh, absolutely."
I get an eye roll in return. "Your afternoon plans work out well for me, actually."
"Oh?"
"I'm leaving after Biology."
"What? Why?" I demand, hypocritically outraged by his departure.
"Emmett wants to go hunting with me." There's something off about his expression - nervous, maybe. It's gone before I can really place it. "It's going to be sunny tomorrow, so we won't be at school-"
"What happens to you in the sun?" I lower my voice. "Do you turn into a bat?"
Edward stares at me blankly.
Guess that's a no then.
"It's hard to explain. I'll show you sometime," he promises.
I sigh, discontented that our day together is going to end so soon. And then I remember he drove me today.
"Were you just going to have me walk home?"
Another eye roll. "Yes, because that sounds like a thing I'd do."
"What was your plan then?" I ask as the bell rings.
"I was going to leave you my car. Emmett brought his Jeep today."
"I can't drive your car, Edward!"
He holds the cafeteria door open for me and seems truly perplexed by my upset.
"Why not?"
"What if I wrecked it?"
"It's very safe, Bella." A scowl mars his face. "Much sturdier than your truck."
"That's not the point, dummy. And my truck is fine," I contest.
"Then what is your point?"
"It's your car! Your expensive car. I could never afford to replace it if I-,"
"I would never ask you to pay me for anything, Bella."
"I- that's not- do you-,"
"Are you having a stroke?"
I throw my hands up in the air, exasperated, and hasten my steps. He catches up easily.
"You're annoying."
"You're beautiful," Edward coos, saccharine sweet and intentionally obnoxious.
"Oh, shut up." But I grin in spite of myself as we sit at our lab table.
There's a large TV in the front of the room, just as Edward heard this morning in the car, and the class murmurs with excitement when Mr. Banner introduces the video for the day. He presses play, then moves to the back of the room and flips off the light, cloaking the room in darkness.
Immediately, a pulsing current envelopes the space between Edward and me. The urge to touch him burns hot and strong, so I reach for his hand under the table.
Edward shakes his head back and forth in quick, small movements. I jerk back, stung by his rejection, and he leans down to whisper in my ear.
His words are almost too quick for me to understand. "Holding your hand won't be enough, Bella."
So I spend the entire period clenching and unclenching my fists, fidgeting in my seat as relentless need drenches us both. I take comfort in the rigid set of Edward's jaw and the tight cross of his arms. It helps to know I'm not the only one dying.
The second the bell rings, Edward is out of his seat, scooping up both our bags in one hand and dragging me out of the room with the other. He releases me as soon as we're in the brightly lit hallway.
A sigh of pure relief rushes out of his chest. "That's better."
I wiggle, uncomfortable in my damp underwear. "Speak for yourself."
His eyes flare and for a split-second, I think he might make good on his early-morning promises.
And then Emmett Cullen is there, huge and intimidating.
"Hi, Bella." Several people turn their heads in response to the booming noise. "I'm Emmett."
A truly gigantic hand reaches out and I grasp it with only a small amount of hesitance. I almost fall over when he shakes a little too hard.
"Careful," Edward hisses angrily. He puts a hand on the small of my back and pushes me gently forward so that we're all walking in the direction of the gym.
Emmett nods, contrite. His face is surprisingly boyish up-close, and his mass of curly dark hair adds to the aesthetic. My heart physically hurts at his wounded puppy look.
"I'm fine," I say sternly, annoyed with Edward's harsh rebuke. "It's nice to meet you, Emmett."
He perks up again and I feel immediately lighter. There's something infectious about his joy, and I wonder if every member of the Cullen family is going to win me over as easily as the first three have.
When we stop at the same blocked off corner of the hallway Edward and I were at yesterday, Emmett's eyes gleam wickedly. "You, too, Bella. I can't tell you how excited I am to finally meet the girl who gave Eddie here his first erection."
He can barely get the words out before he breaks into uproarious laughter. I blush bright red and Edward pinches the bridge of his nose. His lips tremble a little. Emmett's laugh cuts off sharply and he raises his hands in surrender.
"Don't tell Rose. I'll meet you at the Jeep."
And then he's gone.
"I'm so sorry, Bella."
"He's a mess, but he's a likable mess. What doesn't he want you to tell Rose?"
Edward shifts, uncomfortable. "Nothing important."
"He seemed awfully nervous for it to be 'nothing'."
"Rosalie is... not the most pleased that you and I are… seeing each other."
I wince, absorbing that. It makes sense - I know things about them that I'm not supposed to, and Edward being linked to me publicly would probably not help them remain incognito should he trip up and have me for lunch - but still. Rejection stings.
"Emmett likes you, though," Edward placates. "And Alice, and Esme, and Carlisle."
"I like them, too."
He steps forward, moving into my bubble, tilts his head flirtatiously.
"And what about me? Do you like me?"
"Hard to tell," I bluff. "Give it some more time."
A tongue pokes out to wet plush pink lips. "I'll wait as long as you want."
Then we're kissing. Slow, but serious, building…
The bell shrieks through the air.
"The clouds roll back in tomorrow at 5:42," he breathes.
"Then be at my house at 5:43."
"Deal." The fog of lust clears from his face. "You'll be careful in Port Angeles tonight? Stick close to Angela?"
I"m tempted to tease him for his protectiveness. He looks so genuinely worried, though, that I can't bring myself to do it.
"Yes."
"Will you call me if you need anything?"
"I still don't have your number," I point out. He plucks my phone from my pocket, presses buttons, then replaces it quickly.
"Go. Before I don't let you."
I walk through the gym doors quickly, flushed and breathless. When I turn around to look at him through the windows, he's already gone.
A/N: Port Angeles with Angela, a visit from Jake, and Edward's cloudy return next time!
Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing!
See you soon!