Chapter 18

Tim lay on the bed for over half an hour without being able to sleep. He was tired, yes, but he couldn't sleep. He just lay there. Then, finally, he decided to call home. Delilah wouldn't be happy about what had happened, but he had promised her that he wouldn't keep important things from her, especially when it was related to his mental health.

Maybe it would even make him feel better.

He turned off the music on his phone and called home.

"Tim, I'm surprised to hear from you in the middle of the day!" Delilah said.

"Yeah, you probably won't be happy about it," Tim said.

"What happened?"

"First, are Evelyn and Esther napping? I could use some cheering up."

"Tim, what's going on?" Delilah asked, but then, her voice became muffled. "Esther! Evelyn! Come and talk to your daddy on the phone!"

Tim could hear the squeals.

"They're coming."

"I can hear that," Tim said. He loved his girls and he was glad that they were excited to talk to him.

Then, they were there, clamoring to talk to him.

"Hey, girls. Are you having fun with your mom?" he asked.

That unleashed a torrent of babbling. He could only understand about one word in ten, but then, he could hear what he wanted most.

"I love you, Daddy! Are you having fun?" Esther asked.

"Yes, I am, Esther," Tim said. "I got you some presents."

"Yea! Presents!" Evelyn shouted. "What are they?"

"You'll have to wait and see, but you'll love them. And I love you both."

"Okay girls. Go and play. I'm going to talk to your Daddy for a little bit."

"Bye, Daddy! Love you!"

"I love you, too."

Then, the squeals resumed as they ran off laughing. Tim felt lighter for it, even if it didn't last as he knew it couldn't completely when Delilah was going to want to know at least something about his current problem.

"Okay, Tim. Tell me. I thought everything was going well."

"It was. Until this morning. Guess who we saw out on the beach."

"It can't be someone good if it ruined your day."

"Who says it ruined my day?"

"I do. I can hear it in your voice. Just tell me, Tim."

"Gibbs."

"What?! What in the world was he doing there?"

"He sailed in. He didn't know we were here. We didn't know he was here. ...and I don't think any of us were happy about it."

"Are you sure about that?"

Tim smiled a little even if she couldn't see him. "Delilah, I might not like Gibbs, but it's extreme to think that he'd set sail two weeks ago knowing that we'd be in Key West when we didn't know we'd be in Key West, and for the purpose of tracking me down. He knows where I live and where I work."

There was a silence.

"I know, Tim. After what he did to you... I just can't think anything good about him."

"I know. ...and he'd heard about the case. He asked me, and Tony heard."

"And did you tell Tony?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"He reacted like I thought he would."

"Tim, I know you don't want to hear it because I've said it before, but no one is even implying that you're weak because we worried about you. We want to help because we care about you and we worry when you're struggling. I felt the same way about you when you had the flu and you were so sick. It wasn't because you had somehow failed a test by getting sick. I was worried because I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"I know."

"You say that, but I don't think you really do. But more importantly, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Not any better than that, but I am okay."

"Where's Tony? He must not be right there if you're just admitting it."

Tim didn't want to tell Delilah that he'd sent Tony to talk to Gibbs. Delilah was more angry at Gibbs than he was at this point, and she might resent Tony for doing what Tim had told him to do.

...so he lied. He didn't like lying to his wife, but he genuinely wanted to protect Tony from Delilah's wrath.

"I wanted to take a nap, so I sent him out to explore."

"Explore what?"

"Key West. I didn't want him to feel like he had to sit around and do nothing while I rested, and so he's out and about. I don't know where. I told him that if he found something really cool, he had to let me know."

"Tim, Tony wouldn't have minded waiting for you."

"I know that, but I didn't want him to wait for me. Doesn't what I want matter at all?"

"Of course it does, but you don't always worry about what you want... so I have to do it for you."

"Uh-huh."

"Tim, were you really tired or did you just want to be alone?"

"Yes," Tim said succinctly.

Delilah laughed a little.

"Okay, I can take the hint, but Tim, I'm glad you called to tell me. Do you think you'll be more than okay?"

"Yeah. It's just that... I don't like remembering, and... seeing Gibbs, telling Tony about the case... it made me remember more than I wanted."

There was a pause.

"Tim, I know you'll hate me asking you this, but would you please promise me something?"

"What?"

"I know what you're carefully not saying. You think you'll have nightmares again, don't you."

Tim thought about denying it but decided that one lie to his wife was more than enough.

"Yeah."

"Then, please, promise me that you'll let Tony help you if they do come. Don't try to get through them alone. They don't come very often anymore, but they're bad when they do. Please?"

Tim didn't want to make that promise. Of all the things he didn't want to do ever again in his lifetime, asking Tony to help with his mental health was extremely high on the list. Tony had already done too much for him in that respect.

"Tim, I know you don't want to, but please. For me, if nothing else?"

"If he notices... I won't promise more than that. If I can keep it to myself, I'm not waking him up."

"Okay. I won't push for more, then," Delilah said, although she sighed. "I'll let you rest."

"I love you," Tim said.

"I love you, too. Take care of yourself."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

Tim hung up and then lay down again.

He wasn't sleepy at all.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony walked toward the marina, positive that Gibbs would stay there until he and Tim left Key West, just to make sure that they didn't run into him again. As he walked, he thought about why Tim would insist on this when he must know that Tony wouldn't begrudge him his desire to keep away from his former boss.

If he was honest, Tony could admit that he didn't know what he and Gibbs would talk about. After all, Gibbs wasn't exactly known for being chatty in the best of times. Still, Tony could also admit that he missed working with Gibbs at times because he did like him, and all the time spent working together meant that there wasn't a struggle to converse. Gibbs was just there. Now, he had to make the effort, and it was much more of an effort than it needed to be because Gibbs often acted like he didn't want Tony around at all.

And Tony knew it was an act. No matter what else, he knew that much because he knew Gibbs far too well.

He arrived at the marina and was surprised by how many sailboats were docked there, but then, there was an expo going on. Specifically dedicated to sailing.

Finding Gibbs' boat might be harder than he thought it was.

Tony started walking along the marina, but there were a lot of boats.

Finally, he walked over to one sailboat where there was someone aboard.

"Hey! Can you help me out?" Tony called.

"Depends on what you want!" the man shouted back.

"I'm looking for a friend of mine. He told me he was here at the marina but I didn't realize how many boats were here."

"Don't know everyone on a boat here, you know."

"I'm sure of that, but his sailboat was made with hand tools. He's participating in the expo."

"Oh, I know who you mean. His boat's just down that way," he said, pointing further down the dock.

"Thanks."

Tony kept walking and, sure enough, he saw a sailboat that was unmistakably Gibbs' work. He walked over.

"Ahoy, the boat!" he called.

Gibbs came up from below and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Permission to come aboard, Boss?"

Gibbs smiled a little and gestured. Tony climbed up onto the deck. Gibbs disappeared for a moment and came out with a cup of coffee. He handed it to Tony.

"Too early to drink yet."

Tony smiled and took a sip. It was the good stuff.

"So you packed coffee instead of a razor?"

"I need it more," Gibbs said. "What are you doing here?"

"Tim told me to come."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"I'm serious."

"What did he say?"

"He said I should come and talk to you because he was tired and wanted to take a nap."

Gibbs was silent for a moment.

"Did you talk about his case?"

"Yeah. He didn't want to, but he did."

"Probably why he's tired. Did I ruin his day?"

Tony smiled. "Only temporarily. He was feeling better."

"Good."

"How did you know about it? I know he didn't tell anyone he didn't have to tell."

"There are people willing to talk to me."

"Who?"

Gibbs raised an eyebrow. "I'm not telling you. I wouldn't tell McGee, either. No reason to get someone else in trouble."

"Okay. So how long did it take you to come down here?"

"Couple of weeks. Took the intercoastal waterway. Don't have much I need to do. I can take the time."

"Does it bother you? Having the time?" Tony asked.

"Sometimes. Not always."

Tony nodded and sipped at the coffee.

"How long will you keep it up, Gibbs?" he asked.

"Keep what up?" Gibbs asked.

"This self-imposed isolation. I know you like time to yourself, but that's not what you're doing."

Gibbs just gave him a look. It was the same look he had given countless times when they were both at Headquarters. No head slap, but he would have been asking for one a few years ago. Even though the conversation was nothing they would have talked about then, for a moment, Tony felt like they were back in the bullpen, staring at each other across the desks. Tony actually smiled at the feeling of going back to that much easier time.

"Come on, Boss. You and I both know what you're doing. I even have suspicions of why, but let's not pretend."

That would have been worth a head slap.

"How's Ivan doing?" Gibbs said, changing the subject very obviously.

"Better every day that he knows he has us and isn't going to lose us. It's still hard, probably always will be, but he's doing well."

"Is he going to lose any more of his vision?"

"The doctors don't think so. It seems to be simply a lack of development before he was born, not something that will be progressively worse. He'll never see well, but he shouldn't go completely blind."

"Anything I can do?"

"Maybe sometime, you could take him out on this boat. I think he'd love the feeling of sailing, even if he can't see all the things there are around him."

"I could do that."

"Anytime...when he's not in school."

Gibbs smiled and looked out at the marina.

"You doing okay?" he asked.

Tony responded with his own eyebrow raise.

"Got a lot to deal with. Might be a bit stressful."

Tony shrugged.

"That's what having a good life leads to sometimes. I wouldn't give it up."

"Neither would I."

Tony looked over at Gibbs. And again, he remembered what Tim had said to him about Gibbs. He was alone, and while it was easier, it wasn't better.

"Gibbs... this might make you irritated at me, but don't you want more out of your life than what you have right now?"

Gibbs looked at him without expression.

"I know you can't have what you really want, but you could have something."

"Like what?"

"Like people who care about you, people who want you in their lives. I don't think Tim would say you have to be alone."

Gibbs sighed and kept his gaze on the marina.

"He doesn't."

"...but?"

"But it doesn't mean that I don't still deserve it."

Tony let out a laugh, but it wasn't because he was amused.

"Man, you two are way too alike. Even when you admit that there's no reason for what's going on, you still insist that it has to be that way. You don't want it. Tim doesn't think you deserve it. Then, why, Boss?"

"Because it's not time yet."

"Time for what?"

Finally, Gibbs turned and looked at him.

"My wife and child were killed by a drug dealer, DiNozzo. I know exactly how it feels to lose my wife. My decision made someone else feel the exact same way. When I can let that go, maybe then, it will be time. But I can't. What I did to Tim is one thing. What I did to Admiral Jenkins is another. I couldn't have stayed at NCIS even if I hadn't been forced out. I could never have kept working knowing what I'd done. Can't change it. Can't go back, but that doesn't mean I have to go forward. I can't. Not yet."

"Admiral Jenkins remarried. Tim said he seems happy. He's moving forward," Tony said.

Gibbs shrugged. "I'm not him." Another pause. "Your other kids doing okay?"

Tony accepted the subject change again. Tim was definitely much better at it.

"Yeah. Daniel's at the space camp with Tommy. Grace is getting better about trusting that good-bye doesn't mean forever. You should see how patient Sam is with Ivan. You'd think he was more than three. It's like he knows that Ivan needs the extra time. He's normal with the rest of us, but with Ivan... Once Ivan's adoption goes through, we're going to take a family trip somewhere. Haven't decided where just yet, but it'll be something we do together, something special."

"Good. You deserve it."

"Thanks, Boss," Tony said and then asked a question of his own. "So how did you find out about this expo thing? I can't imagine you just doing it and just knowing about it."

Gibbs shrugged. "Some guys saw my boat, asked me about it and told me I should join the expo. Seemed like a good idea, so I did it."

"Having fun?"

"So far."

And then, Tony could tell that the conversation was over.

"Thanks for the coffee, Gibbs," he said, finishing it off.

"Thanks for coming," Gibbs said.

And because the trite phrase was not something Gibbs just said, Tony knew he meant it. He smiled and stood up.

"Good luck showing off your boat."

Gibbs smiled slightly and tipped his cup. Tony climbed off the boat and started back down Duval Street, toward the guest house. As he walked, he thought about where Gibbs was at. He wasn't as far down as Tim had been, but Tim had been pretty much as low as it was possible to be. But Gibbs wasn't even really trying to get out.

But the one thing that made Tony hopeful was that Gibbs had said it wasn't time yet. Maybe it would be someday, but since he'd agreed to take Ivan out, Tony made a note to hound him until he did, but Gibbs was good with kids, always had been, so he probably would follow through on that.

Would Tim ask about this conversation? Tony would say not, but sometimes, Tim did the unexpected. He'd just have to play it by ear.

The biggest question now was whether or not Tim was recovered from the morning. Tony would be surprised, but since he'd already been doing better before, maybe there was hope.

That was all he could do right now, but he really wanted this to be a happier event than it had been. He really didn't need to get pulled down, but he had to keep reminding himself that this bump in the road wasn't anyone's fault. It had just happened.

The guest house was in view and Tony decided just to try to make things as light as they could be.

That would be the only option...and maybe it would even work.