If you recognize it, then I probably don't own it

Chapter 15: Pressure (Do do do da da doom doom)

It was spring break in Forks again. When I woke up on Monday morning, I laid in bed absorbing the freedom of going back to bed. Last spring break, I had been hunted by a vampire. This spring, I was being hunted by a vampire. At this rate it was becoming a tradition. Maybe I should just drop out, stop the tradition.

Already, I was in a pattern of things in La Push. I'd spent Sunday mostly on the beach, while my dad, Billy, and Little Mikey were watching sports at the Black house—both of the adults were teaching Little Mikey how to be a sports fanatic. I was supposed to be with Jacob, but Jacob had protecting-me things to do, so I spent some time alone.

When Jake had dropped in to check on me, he apologized for leaving me alone. But assured me he had checked on me as much as he could. He assured me his schedule wasn't always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert. And our time was limited.

When we walked along the beach now, we always held hands. It wasn't even a thought, it was just what we did. He'd come up to me, kiss my forehead or my check, and hold my hand as we walked along the shorefront.

This is what Jared had meant when he said I was Jake's girlfriend. But if Jake thought of me in that way, why didn't he tell me. He knew, I know he knew, that I had asked him to be mine, why couldn't just agree? Why didn't he talk to me about it? We could have been the gross couple that annoyed everyone, not Sam and Emily.

…

I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob had followed me on his bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Mike noticed.

"Are you dating the kid from La Push? The junior?" He asked, poorly disguising his resentment.

I shrugged. Were we dating? We spent a lot of time together, kissing and talking, but we'd never actually confirmed it with each other. Well, Jake never actually emailed me back. "I don't know. I spent most of my time with him, but…he's my best friend." I decided to tell Mike. I couldn't tell him, what Jake and I were, when I didn't know it myself.

Mike's eyes narrowed, shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Miri. The guy's in love with you."

He is! Do you really think! I wanted to dissect why Mike thought that, but since Mike had that crush on me (I don't know if he still did, but I didn't want to hurt him) I didn't want to put him in a position to be hurt.

"I didn't know that." I said instead. He's in love with me! According to Mike. But did that make things more complicated. "Life is complicated right now."

"And girls are cruel." Mike muttered under his breath.

…

That night, Sam and Emily joined me and my family for desert at Billy's house. Emily brought over a cake that would have broken a harder man than my dad. Conversation flowed easily, any worries between my parents about a gang in La Push were being dissolved.

Jake and I ditched early in, we went to get some privacy in his garage. We sat inside his Rabbit, making out. He took his shirt off immediately. Only when his hand started to go under my shirt, did I push him away. Jake leaned his head back, his face drawn with exhaustion.

"Instead of that," I offered, "We could let you get some sleep."

"I'll get around to it." He said, adjusting his shoulders.

He reached over and took my hand, drawing me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me, his skin blazing hot.

"Is this a wolf thing?" I asked him. "The heat? Could I fry an egg on you?"

"Yeah, it's a wolf thing. And I've never tried the egg thing. Maybe. We run warmer than normal people. About one-oh-eight, and one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stay like this—" He gestured to his bare torso—"in a snowstorm and it wouldn't bother me. The flakes would just turn to rain where I stood."

"And you heal fast—another wolf thing."

"Yeah, you wanna see? It's pretty cool." His eyes opened, he reached for the glove department and dug around for a minute. He had a pocket knife in his hand.

"No! Don't you dare, stupid bitch!" I yelled at him, as soon as I realized. "Put that down!"

Jake laughed, his chest rumbling, but still shoved the knife back where it belonged. "Fine. It's a good thing we heal though. You can't just see any doctor when you're running a temperature that should mean you're dead."

"And being so big… that's part of it? Is that why you're so worried about Quil?"

"That and the fact that Quil's grandfather said you can fry an egg on his forehead." Jacob said hopefully. "It won't be long now. There's no exact age…it just builds and builds and then suddenly—" He broke off, and it was a moment before he could speak again. "Sometimes, if you get really upset or really…something it can trigger it early. But I wasn't upset about you—I was happy." He laughed, bitterly. "Because of you. That's why it didn't happen sooner. Instead it just kept building up inside me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from the movie and Billy said I looked weird. That was that but I all but snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almost ripped his face off—my own father!" He shuddered and his face paled.

"Are you miserable?" I asked.

"No, not miserable." He told me, "Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard before." He leaned over so that we were cuddling again.

He was quiet for a moment. And I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe I didn't want to know, maybe he didn't love me. Maybe Mike was wrong.

"What's the hardest part?"

"The hardest part… is feeling out of control." He said slowly, "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—like maybe we shouldn't be around each other. Like I'm a monster that could hurt you. You saw Emily. Sam lost control of his temper, for one second…and she tried to help…she got to close. And now he can't do anything to make it right again. I hear his thoughts—I know what it feels like…

"Who wants to be a nightmare, or a monster? And then, the way it comes is so easily to me. The way I'm better at it then the rest of them—does it mean I'm better at it then them. Or does it mean I'm less human? Sometimes I'm afraid I'm losing myself."

"Is it hard, to find yourself again?"

"At first." He said. "It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it's easier for me."

"Why?" I asked him, I took one of his hands and began massaging it.

"Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It's in my blood, both sides. I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn't have a chance."

His expression was bleak.

"What's the very best part?" I asked, massaging his other hand now.

"The best part?" He said, suddenly smiling again, "Is…the speed."

"Better than the motorcycle?"

"No comparison!" He nodded.

"How fast can you…?"

"Run?" He finished for me. "Fast enough. What can I measure it by…we caught Laurent? That was his name right. I imagine that means more to you than someone else."

It did mean more to me, not in the way he could understand. Two out of three vampires who tried to kill me were dead. All that was left was one. And that was a good thing.

"So, tell me something I don't know." He said, "Something about vampires. How did you stand being around them? Didn't it creep you?"

"Sometimes. But, I don't know, it was easy to be distracted."

I think my honesty made him thoughtful for a moment.

"Say, why'd your bloodsucker kill that James guy anyway?" He asked suddenly.

"James was trying to kill me—he liked games. I was the toy he wanted. He didn't win though."

Jake sucked in a breath, "He was that close wasn't he."

I nodded against his chest.

His hand went to the scar on my back. He rubbed it, over my shirt.

"So this…the cold scar…"

"A souvenir," I told him. He gasped. "James bit me."

His eyes bulged, and his face went sallow.

"But if he bit you? Shouldn't you be…?"

"I was." I said, I heard Jake snarl, "It's not a bite that turns you, it's the blood mixing. His blood, James, and my blood. His last ditch effort to torture us, Edward and me. But Carlisle had heard of a supposed cure. So he told the others." I sighed, feeling terrible, I didn't want to keep talking about this. But I couldn't stop. Like Jake had said, once you started talking about it, you didn't want to stop. "Carlisle told them to get the stuff. Then they made me drink it all. And I was no longer…like them."

I wasn't the one twitching. I could feel Jake's whole body trembling as I rested on top of him. Even the car shook.

I took one of his shaky hands. "I'm still me," I reminded. "Nothing's changed. No metamorphosis. Still human." Still your baby!

"Yeah." He panted. "Still Mir." He shook his head back and forth quickly. After a moment, only the hand I held was shaking.

"You good?" I asked.

"Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about."

I couldn't exactly ambush him about my email, could I? Not after I told him I was turned for 2 minutes.

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know." His eyes were closed again, concentrating. His arm around me tightened. "The extra shit I guess. Did any of the other Cullens have…extra talents?"

I hesitated for a second. Would my answer enrage him? Or would I be betraying the Cullens? But if it would help control him? That was a chance I had to take.

So I spoke quickly. The image of Emily's scar haunting me… still I was wrapped in his protective embrace. Would I survive if I enraged him with the truth? Would the garage survive?

"Jasper could…sort of control the emotions of people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing. And Alice could see the future. You know, not totally, like all the futures that presented themselves, but once you made a choice the future changed. She said the futures were never absolute."

Like how she saw me like her… how she saw me dying in Ivywood. One of two things she had seen had come to fruition. Well actually both happened. Only the vampire one…that had been thwarted. Hadn't it? That's what I wanted to ask her, before they left. If she still saw me that way. If there was a way to change it. But I never got the chance.

Jake was entirely in control now. He laid still next to me. He smelled good, like the detergent he used.

"We're a pretty messed-up couple, aren't we?" Jacob said, a couple! He called us a couple! "A former vampire and a werewolf."

"Pobody's Nerfect." I agreed. "And at least I'm not a vampire now."

"Yes," He agreed, readily. "At least we have each other." He said, comforted by that information.

…

And when we were together, everything was great. Like a firework show. But Jacob had a terrible, dangerous job he had to do. So I was often alone, and missing him, and stuck in La Push for protection. With nothing to do but worry about him.

I felt uncomfortable taking up space in Billy's home. I spent my time studying. I had a calc test in a week that I should probably study for and math was only a subject that took a limited amount of time. When I got sick of studying, I felt like I should be making conversation, after all. I couldn't bring my nail polish to their house, and stink up the place. But Billy wasn't one for filing up the long silences, and so the silence continued.

…

On Wednesday I tried hanging out at Emily's, for a change. At first it was kind of nice. Emily was cheerful and never sat still, she even told me I could bring my polish. Maybe, even do her nails. But there was never time. She had too many chores to do around her house. I went around and helped. Scrubbed the floor until it was spotless, pulling the weeds of her garden, fixing a broken hinge, tugging the string of wool through an ancient loom, and always, always cooking. She complained lightly at the boy's appetites, and their endless hunger after all their running. But she never seemed to mind taking care of them. She complimented my cooking, and how I cut her chore time in half. It wasn't hard to be with her—after all, we were both wolf girls.

But Sam checked in after a few hours. And he only told me Jake was fine, nothing else, because I had to escape. Their sloppy-kissy, lovey-dovey romance was hard to take in small doses, buffeted by other people, but alone. I wasn't gonna try.

So I went to the beach, walking back and forth across the rocky crescent back and forth.

Alone time was not something I relished since being in Forks. Back in Ivywood it was my hobby. But here. After experiencing successful socialization. After experiencing Edward. After experiencing Jacob. I had plenty to think about. How much I wanted Jake, how much he seemed to want me, but never saying anything. I was terrified for my parents and brother. A leap of faith, I figured. I just had to trust that everything Jake was doing was going to be okay. That he and Sam and the others, they were okay, and on top of it.

When Jake found me on my fourth or fifth walk of the length of the beach, I could tell he was thinking the same. That I had to trust him, that they had it right.

…

"Sorry," He said right away. But it didn't matter, I still launched myself into his embrace. His warmth increased as he wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm ruining your spring break." Jake accused himself as we walked up the beach hand in hand.

"No, you're not." I assured. "Otherwise I would be vampire dinner. I have a spring break tradition—almost get killed by vampires." I explained.

"I'll take tomorrow off. The others can run without me. We'll do something fun."

"Fun?" I repeated. "You don't mean sex do you. Because I told you, not without commitment."

"We'll see." He smiled, "Sleeping with me or cliff diving. Whatever you want."

"Why cliff diving?" I asked.

He pointed to the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rocky half-moon, dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared to where he pointed, uncomprehendingly.

"Didn't I promise to take you cliff diving?"

"No way in hell, not even if it froze over." I shivered.

"Yeah, it can be pretty cold—" He ignored my protests. "Not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure? It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?"

The dark water didn't look inviting, and from this angle—the cliffs looked higher than before. But it brought me back to the leap of faith that I had been thinking of earlier.

I eyed him warily. "You'll do it too?"

"Sure, it'll be a date. It'll be fun." He kissed the top of my head.

"Promise?" I asked, "You'll go first?"

He shrugged, "Once you try it, you'll be begging to go again and again. This isn't just for cliff diving by the way."

"You're a pig." I reminded.

"Wolf, actually."

…

I woke up early the next morning, and Jake was gone. I had invited him over last night. Claiming fear, which was real, and he had been all too happy to get permission from Sam to protect me. He was only supposed to be there until I fell asleep. But sleep was hard to come by, even though I was exhausted. So I told Jake my plan—we could sleep together and after maybe I wouldn't be so anxious, and could fall asleep. He was enthusiastic it would work. He'd even come prepared with a box of four condoms—he was enthusiastic about his ability. He was right (not about being able to use all four, just about helping me sleep), and so was I, afterwards I did fall asleep. Still I missed him even though I knew he wasn't going to be there. And I know, I know, I had said I wouldn't sleep with him without commitment. But I needed him. I snuck a change of clothes into my backpack. Instead of wearing underwear I wore my black one piece swim suit under my clothes. I knew my parents wouldn't approve and my brother would try and join. A leap of faith. That's what stuck with me throughout the night. A leap of faith. Faith in Jacob, faith in the pack. Faith that Jake would be there when I needed him. Faith that Jake and I would be together. When he was ready. And who knows, maybe it would be fun. A date, that's what Jake called it. A date with Jacob. My first date with him.

…

I expected Jake to be waiting in his usual spot out front, the way he always had when my truck nosily announced itself. When he wasn't there, I supposed he was sleeping. Good he deserved to sleep, as much as he could. He could jump with me when the day was warmer and he was more awake. Still I wanted to let him know that I was here, and I would be waiting for him.

I knocked on the door.

"C'mon in, Miri." Billy said.

I opened the door to see him sitting at the table eating cold cereal.

"Jake still sleeping?" I asked.

"No," He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.

"What happened?" I asked. Was it something bad? Was my Jacob gone? It had to be something bad.

"Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Jake took off to help. Sam was hopeful—she's hedged herself in beside the mountains. He thinks they have a good chance of finishing this."

"Oh, no," I shook my head. "Oh, no. Oh, no."

He chuckled deep and low, "Do you like La Push so well, you want to extend your stay?"

"No, but I don't want them to get hurt." I told him. "This is too scary for that."

"You're right." He agreed, his eyes impossible to read. "This bitch's tricky. It's not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he's doing. You're the one to worry about, not them. The vampire doesn't want to fight them. She's just trying to find a way around… to you."

"How does Sam know what's he's doing?" I asked, "They've only killed one vampire. And compared to Victoria, Laurent is a sleeping sloth."

"We take what we do very seriously, Miri. Nothing's been forgotten. Everything they need to know has been passed down from father to son generations."

But it didn't matter, Victoria was lethal, wild, and way too chaotic for rationality. If she couldn't get around them, she'd go through them.

"You're asking me to have faith, right?" I asked.

Billy nodded.

"But how can I have faith, when I've seen the reality. It's like asking me to believe in magic when the science is right in front me."

"Vampire's exist." Billy said simply. "Vampires, like yours. And wolves, like Jake and Sam, and the others."

"I don't understand."

"Maybe all things can't be explained by science, or the science of things isn't well understood. I'm not saying don't worry about the danger. I'm just saying have faith in them, they understand the danger ahead. Just trust that they know what they're doing." Billy returned to his cereal.

I sat down on the sofa, and flipped through the channels thinking about what he said. A leap of faith, a leap with Jacob. Maybe that was the problem. I trusted them to get the job done, they could kill Victoria. But did I believe they could? Maybe that's what was holding me back. Maybe that's what was holding us as a couple back. Maybe he thought I was still hung up on Edward? And he didn't think I was going to stay with him if they leeches came back. Which I knew they wouldn't. And I knew if we were together, we would be together for a long time. I needed to think more. Maybe that was my problem. I was holding myself back.

"I'm gonna take a walk." I said.

…

I don't remember walking to the beach. I don't remember hearing the birds or squirrels. Maybe the forest was vacant. The wind rolled off the waves, it wasn't cold wind either.

The lack of animals was probably a byproduct of the weather, but it made me edgy. The heavy, warm pressure was almost Californian. And it reminded me of the beaches there. It hinted at a storm. But the leaves weren't turned, so it would be okay for a while. The sky spoke that truth to. The clouds were sluggish, and the closest clouds were a smoky gray, but between that strokes of blue sky could be seen. It would take some time to hit the land. The animals knew that, and were hunkering down now.

I almost wished I'd stayed at Billy's. I'd taken a walk on the beach almost every day… and as much as I loved the beach, it was never the beaches I'd grown up with. With warm, golden sand, and tourists. Too many tourists, intruding and being stupid. Here it was private. Here nothing could stop me from thinking of the danger that Jake and the pack were in. Jake told me last night, there was more to being a wolf than hunting vampires. But I didn't even know what that meant. I barely knew what the rules regarding werewolves were, Sam had been insistent that I was on a 'need-to-know' basis and unless it was about Victoria I didn't need to know. I think he was wary that I was a double agent. And since I was now so immersed in wolf and vampire legends. Does that mean there were more legends out there? Was I turning my back on the safety that I knew? Or had I already turned on the human world? After all Jacob was a werewolf because Edward was a vampire. And I had chosen Edward first. And Victoria was here because of me. So any trouble he got into was on me…

No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. He was too important to me. Billy had said it wasn't blind faith, but trust in them. Isn't that what faith was? Trust?

"Fucking Christ!" I kicked the driftwood tree that had become my bench during my stay in La Push. "Motherfucking! Son of a bitch!" I kicked again. I knew what I had to do. Trust Jake. If he said it would be okay, it would be okay. And that applied to cliff diving too.

Farther out, the waves were angrier that they were along the shore. I could see them battering across the line of the cliffs, spraying the white foam into the sky. There was no sign of the thunderstorm coming. The air held still. The clouds rolled in faster, and I knew I had now.

…

The cliffs were a black knife against the edge of the livid sky. It was like telling me about the pack for the first time, back when Sam was a gang leader. Him and the rest of the pack, were able to do this easily. Maybe it was their hazing? Or their blood oath. I glared down the cliffs and the crashing waves. I'd have to be careful of rip tides. But if I got caught I would just swim parallel and be fine.

My leap of faith had to be physical. I couldn't just blindly believe they would be fine. If I were to believe it then I would to jump. Otherwise I would be lying. To them and myself.

I pulled my shirt off, my heart was pounding, then my sneakers and socks. I left my leggings on, I was feeling insecure about my thighs, even though I was alone. Jacob was risking his life for me by going after Victoria, so the least I could do was trust him (and keep my thighs to myself). If anything happened to him, it would be my fault. After all I brought her here.

The wind was picking up, as I was teetering between jumping and believing and walking back and not believing in. I had to go now. This might have been the dumbest thing to do, instead of just trusting them, I had to test myself.

The ocean sounded very far away, I took a tentative, testing step further. I drew a deep breath and held it…waiting to gain some nerve.

"Miri."

I turned. He was still here? He sounded so real, so close. But I never saw him.

"Don't do this!" He pleaded.

Leave me alone! You left, you promised you'd stay away!

"Please, for me."

You get nothing! You stupid, fucking, worthless piece of shit!

"Please!" It was just a whisper.

If I was really him, then why did he promise to stay away, and if it wasn't then why was he still on my mind.

I set my jaw.

"Miri, stop." He ordered.

I took steps back, walking away.

"Good." He said, "Keep walking. Go back to Billy's."

Then I turned and ran off the cliff. Fuck him for trying to control me, fuck him for leaving me, fuck him for saying he would be gone forever and not leaving me memories, and fuck him for making me love him even now.

I screamed as I fell, but it was a scream of relief and exhilaration. Jake was right! It might seem scary at first, but it was fun. That had to be what Jake said when he talked about being a wolf. That's what faith was. That's what Billy meant, the unknown was scary and confusing, but if I didn't trust everything would turn out okay it wouldn't. Some of it was optimism, but if I believed in Jake and Sam, and the others, and trusted their judgement then it would be okay.

And then I hit the water.

I plunged deeper into the freezer dark water than I meant too. It was like something had grabbed me and pulled. And I realized why the water was so dark, I was in a rip tide. Why was I a kinesthetic learner? Why couldn't I just listen?

I had been so occupied with the physical jump that I didn't think to look down. Faith had kept me alive in the fall, but now I had to work for it. I was a Californian, I was good with cold water. I grew up swimming in the cold Pacific.

But in the rip… it felt like the waves were fighting to cover me, to keep me down. I had to swim parallel, but I didn't know where the parallel was. So, even though I knew it was stupid—I just starting swimming.

Where even was the stupid fucking surface. Up right? But where was up?

The sky had grown dark and there was no sunlight to determine up. The ocean was dark, I couldn't see more than, maybe, six inches away from me.

I'll be the first to admit I was panicked. I was holding my breath, wearing contacts, and no one knew I was in the water. I couldn't even see, for fucks' sake.

The current flung me again. I was getting exhausted from swimming.

"Keep swimming!" Edward reminded.

Yeah no shit, dickhead! But swim where?

"Don't you dare give up!" He said again. Maybe my conscious was taking on his voice, if so, my conscious was a bitch because I already knew that.

The cold weather was numbing my extremities, and I was still panicking! I kicked harder, I needed air.

"Keep fighting, Miri!" He yelled, "Keep, fucking, going! You're almost there!"

I was getting lightheaded without oxygen, the cold was getting to me or maybe it was the exhaustion.

If I'm so close then how come I wasn't there yet! I opened my mouth, automatically, my lungs begging for air. But all I go was water instead. I kicked harder.

The current shoved me again, this time against something hard, a rock maybe. It hit me solidly against the chest. I opened my mouth again swallowing more water.

Maybe it was some divine intervention, telling me to quit while I was ahead, because the thing I was shoved into pulled me deeper into the dark.

Fuck you, Edward. I told the voice, fuck you, for making me love you.

I had to find the surface.

…

Miri's a fighter. She's not going down easy. Also I found out that imprinting isn't discussed until the next book, so sorry to keep you hanging on that. But I think you guys have it pretty much figured out. But if it helps, Miri doesn't know either. So what do we think, is it a good thing or a bad thing? There were like 4 pages of Bella is sad nonsense that I turned into Miri philosophizing which I think fits her better anyway. This chapter really pissed me off, bella spends it just complaining and it feels really one dimensional and was frankly very boring to read. I hope I made it better and less frustrating.