Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon.
On a separate note, I must confess this story originally was supposed to be one novel. I did not expect it to turn out the way it did. I've felt support from others in writing it, but I have to admit right now, I would like to know what my readers think about my story. Knowing my audience is engaged just would give me more energy to finish stronger. What do you like? What do you dislike? Has the story gripped you or has it bored you? Has anyone actually read each chapter? These questions foment in my mind as I submit this chapter, the energy drinks sustaining me, but no longer quenching my thirst to continue writing...
...Either I am just rambling or the isolation from Corona Virus has driven me mad... Probably both.
Chapter Twenty: Lifeless
Hikari gracefully melded her clothes and important items together, including her camera, though she was hesitant to put it in. It might be the last time they would all come back together and she had a desire to engrave those memories, but the moment seemed bittersweet.
Somehow having her arm back renewed her spirits. She had thought that she would be disabled for the rest of her life, but this miracle happened much to her amazement. She wondered since the incident why Homeostasis had picked only that particular moment to heal her. It felt like she had only been repaired only to go back to a war she had never started, but had been chosen to finish.
Taichi had filled her in on what Homeostasis had in store for them, and, though it felt odd to go to a hotel, somehow knowing her best friend and lover was going to be their only made the trip seem fonder. She only hoped their brothers could stop arguing long enough so they could spend some more time together, if hopefully any at all.
Mulling the idea over to herself as she organized her suitcase, she noticed her feline friend glancing at her inquisitively. Tailmon stared at her swishing her tail from an overhead cupboard as if pondering her current condition.
"You're thinking more than you're packing," she noticed.
Hikari smiled back. "You're looking more than your helping," she replied cheerfully.
Tailmon jumped down gracefully and landed on her suitcase closing it with her weight.
"See? I helped," she said, Hikari looking at her as if soon she would not be able to anymore.
A puzzled look crossed her face. "Hikari, what's wrong?" she asked.
Hikari felt herself start to cry and wiped a tear from her eyes. "Time is speeding up so fast, I can barely take it in before something else happens next," she confessed. "I don't feel like the others are judging me, but, I can't help but think we may not be going to be coming back home after this Tailmon."
"Don't worry about it,"Tailmon consoled. "Hikari I will protect you with my life. Even if Homeostasis tries something and takes you over, I know you'd still come back with me, Takeru, Taichi, your mom, and all your friends waiting for you," she said smiling. "So please don't be sad. It makes me sad to," she said tears starting to fall from her eyes as well.
Hikari abandoned her suit case and wrapped her arms around Tailmon.
"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "If it seemed like I had abandoned you or was ignoring you I wasn't. I'm just trying to process through everything," she said, her tears seeping into Tailmon's fur. "With Takeru and my brother and Homeostasis keeping me distracted, can you ever forgive me Tailmon? Regardless of my feelings you will always be my partner."
"Of course!" she smiled wiping tears from her eyes. "But if you really want to make it up for me, when we come back let's have a can of tuna to celebrate!"
Hikari found herself smiling, so grateful for her friend.
A knock on the door broke their moment as Taichi let himself open it. "You about ready to go?"
"Yes," she said, slightly nervous as Taichi grabbed her suitcase.
Her big brother treated her just the same as before. He did not judge her like she thought he would. It nearly moved her to tears even more knowing he was still there for her.
"Stop looking at me like that," Taichi said in all seriousness, but with a pleasant gentleness. "Hikari, you have to get out from under my approving shadow. I want what's best for you, but I realized I have to allow you to make your own decisions. Regardless of about how I feel about it if you can say you believe you did the right thing wholeheartedly, then who am I to correct you for it? You're still my sister no matter what happens," he said just looking at her as if she was not just his little sister, but an independent young woman.
She marveled at how mature he had grown from before when he slammed a stereo into Takeru's face. It seemed completely contradictory, but it was crazy that somehow things worked out the way they did.
"I also told mom of what happened," Taichi informed. "She's not upset. She feels the same way I do though. And, she told me she's going to respect your decisions and will also welcome Takeru to."
Taichi's words lifted slightly Hikari's heart, but this was just the tip of the iceberg of her worries buried deeply. "That's wonderful," she sighed. "Thanks brother."
He nodded his head and grabbed her suitcase. She followed him down stairs to the front door, but found it was locked when Taichi could not open it.
"I don't remember locking this door," Taichi said curiously.
Hikari felt an odd sensation as if everything immediately directed behind her from the living room.
"Taichi. Hikari," her mom's voice called, "Come into the living room and let's have some tea."
She looked at Taichi who returned her glance and then he walked forward Hikari following after him.
She noticed her mother sitting on a sofa, three cups of green tea at the table squared away in the center of the room, the tea bringing up a calming aroma to her nerves.
Hikari sat down next to her, Taichi sitting down in an adjacent chair on the side of her.
She looked at her mother curiously, her same amber eyes sparking just like hers, but concealing what she could only ponder as a mysterious melancholy.
"What's this about Mom?" Taichi asked, her mom, still staring at Hikari tenderly with love, but sorrow.
Her mom wrapped her arm around her. "Oh Hikari," she said slightly tearing. "You've grown up so much. It's a miracle," she said, her voice shaking. "You were always a sickly child, but you lived and have grown up to become a fine young woman. You're going to make your own decisions, and, I may not approve of them, but I am your mother and I will always love you no matter what you do," she said squeezing her tighter.
Hikari swallowed starting to feel a little nervous. "Is this about Takeru?" she asked apprehensively.
Her mom smiled, tears splashing out as if she was relieved to be asking that. "Oh, not at all," she said. "Though I am going to have to sit down with his parents to talk about your futures."
Hikari hung her head, knowing that might be a chaotic situation.
"Then, what is it?" she asked.
"I'm going to tell you something," she said. "Something I promised one day that I would tell you when the time was right. To both of you," she said looking at her brother as well. "Listen to my little story Hikari," she said her eyes sparkling with love and sadness. "It's about you sweetheart."
A whole hour had passed as Hikari waited for her mother to speak, but, with how serious she looked, she would have waited forever. Her mother drank some tea down finally, her lips trembling as she wiped tears away.
"Oh goodness," she smiled. "I haven't even told it and I'm already crying!"
Hikari looked at her intently, wanting to have her tell her, but it would seem too forceful. Her mother's smile turned serious and set her cup of tea down, folding her hands in her lap.
"Once upon a time their was a young girl who dreamed of being a professional volleyball player. She studied hard, day in and day out, always practicing, going to school, getting good grades, and was all prepared to go to college and get her degree. But, in her senior year of high school, she met a handsome stubborn young man who worked very hard and she became his friend. They fell in love, and, after getting married at a young age right after high school, the then young woman had a little boy.
The mom resigned herself to becoming a stay at home mother, abandoning her dreams of being a professional volleyball player in order to support her family while her husband seemed to work till late in the evenings. She became easily irritated having to take care of the house by herself and depressed because she had to abandon her dream. She lashed out at her son sometimes, but she knew she was not mad at him, but mad at herself."
Hikari stared at her mom's eyes intently, doing her best to listen to her.
"The mom thought to herself, if it's just this little boy I think I can make it. I think I can manage this all right. As long as it's just him I won't have to stress about it or think about it so much. But, not very long after, she became pregnant with child again. She became even more irritable and lashed out at her little boy, hesitant to bring another child into the world, fearful she could not handle it. She pleaded every night to God to not let another child have to go through the same frustrations as she had given her son, realizing she might have scarred him forever and it would be even worse for her and it would not be fair for the child. She wished that every night...
...As her pregnancy developed, she started to have pains and cramps, and became even more irritable. It got so bad sometimes her son had to hide in his room for an hour so his mom could calm down. But at last, 6 months later, she had to be rushed to a hospital bed where she had the child, tears filling her eyes...
...But, when she delivered the baby and she held that baby for the very first time, she only felt empty. All the doctor's went away one by one leaving her in a dark room. That baby did not have a heart beat. The doctor's said that somewhere along the way to the hospital the baby had died. It was a still birth," she said wiping tears from her eyes.
"In that cold dark room she hugged the lifeless baby, her tears falling from her eyes without end. She regretted ever thinking not to have that child; her guilt crushing her believing it was because of her selfishness that the baby had died.
She screamed out, her voice never able to leave her mouth, choking tears mourning for her dead child. She begged to anybody to please spare her child and not let the child suffer for the mother's selfish actions and decisions...
...And at that moment, a mysterious light came forward from a computer screen next to her onto the face of this child and the light filled the child pale and cold with warmth and color as if restoring her. A lone compassionate voice echoed out of her very lips: "this body will bear the light of all worlds." And that baby hung in the air, miraculously alive, smiling, opening her amber eyes just like mine," she said. "I reached forward and grabbed that baby, amazed and joyous beyond all measure that the child was alive. That child, Hikari, was you."
All of the air rushed to her head as Hikari leaned back looking at the ceiling but as if looking into nothingness
"I...I died?" she said aloud barely able to believe it. She heard her mom start to explain, her voice emotional and sore, but she did not hear it. Taichi started to come over to her and try to talk, but she did not hear him. She could not say anything as she felt arms lift her, holding her limp body as if she was the way she had been when she had died as a baby.
The next thing she knew Taichi had helped her get into the car, unable to move herself as if she was paralyzed. She remembered a car moving and Taichi driving away, that thought consuming her, as if summoning death itself.
Takeru stared out the window of Yamato's car calmly taking the surroundings in. "When we get back," he said, "I want to get to know our real dad and find out what happened to make them split," he said referring to his mother.
Yamato's eyes darted around focused on the road, Sora next to them nodding her head.
"I always wanted to know about that to," she said. "But I did not have the courage to ask."
Takeru from the backseat smiled, anxious about the future.
"You're lucky Takeru," Patamon said.
"Why is that?" he asked.
"Because digimon don't have parents. We're just data."
"Yeah," Piyomon added. "You to Sora. We've never had a mommy," she sulked.
"Or a daddy," Patamon said, both of them seeming a little sad.
Takeru felt tears welling up in his eyes noticed Sora did also and they both hugged their digimon crying empathizing with them melodramatically, half serious,but half joking.
"Oh Patamon!" he exclaimed.
"Piyomon!" Sora cried, Yamato getting irked as everyone sobbed even Gabumon who started to howl.
"Hey," he yelled out frustrated. "I'm trying to drive here!"
Hikari stared out the window in the front passenger side seat feeling Tailmon poke her gently with one of her claws.
"Yep," she said. "Don't worry Hikari. You're alive all right."
"That's right!" Agumon added from the backseat. "If you're alive Hikari you should eat food! Then as you want to get full you will feel even more alive!"
"Unrelated," Taichi said driving, "But you're right. Pass me up a sandwich!" he said, Hikari noticing him catch a sandwich Agumon threw and take a big bite.
"Here Hikari," Tailmon said giving her one. "You should eat to!"
"But why?" she asked, her vision a little hazy. "Why should I eat? When this body isn't even mine? I'm not..." she stuttered, tears pouring down her face. "...I'm not even me!" she exclaimed. "I died a long time ago! I'm not who I am supposed to be!" she sobbed.
She felt Tailmon hold her, Agumon sounding confused like eating would help with being sad.
"Taichi," she said wiping her eyes, "You know I'm me, right? I'm not Homeostasis. I'm not-"
She rubbed her eyes furiously unable to stop herself from crying.
"Now I really am starting to get it," she said. "Maybe Takeru's not in love with me, but the person who is acting where my place used to be. I don't know if I'm Homeostasis or actually a person. I don't know who I am or even what I am!"
She heard Taichi press forward, his teeth grinding as they went to who knows where, but she no longer cared.
Takeru got out of the car arriving at the Digital Sanctum, a strange looking hotel as if it was made for them. There were no other people, but it looked like an odd complex. They all walked inside, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, a spacious hallway waiting for them.
"This is quite odd," Yamato said.
"Indeed," Takeru heard Koushiro said, himself and Mimi and their digimon relaxing on a couple spinning chairs near a bar. He looked at them, wondering about it all.
"According to this location," he said, "This is where the eye of the storm will be. It's a hotel in the middle of the city that for some reason people don't really notice or care about," he said. "My theory is it's an in-between state of the digital world and the real world at a frequency where only we can access it."
"But the foods good!" Mimi said next to him playing on her phone. "And I get free reception from all the music channels!"
"Oh Mimi," Palmon giggled.
"Seriously," Tentomon said. "Do you have to be on your computer when your girlfriend and your best buddy are with you? It's like you're calling us boring!"
"No, never!" Koushiro retorted.
Mimi and the others seemed to laugh at him.
"Maybe you and Koushiro should get in the pool then," Takeru teased. "I'm sure you could get his attention."
Koushiro started to protest, a sweet mischievous look on Mimi's face as Takeru enjoyed his chaotic protest, but then he started to talk to himself as if it would be the rational thing to do.
Just then a familiar face showed up sporting his familiar glasses and his seal pup.
"Gomamon, I think we're at the right place," Joe said as if reluctant to go on vacation.
Sora put her hand on her hips if unable to believe it. "I can't believe you came all this way in your med outfit. Don't you have any other clothes?"
"Just some pajamas and one outfit," he said. "And a couple extra pairs if one gets wet, but I don't think they match."
Gomamon started to laugh next to him, everyone else finding him entertaining.
"Well," Yamato said, "At least we have a doctor if one of us runs into any trouble!"
"Yeah, that's it," Joe said sighing. "Laugh it all out. We should laugh like this while we still can."
Takeru felt the room grow quiet as everyone looked down at their digimon.
"We should not act like we are saying goodbye," Mimi said. "You all are the best friends a girl could ever have. We need to look forward, not hold onto the past," she smiled, wiping a slight tear from her eye. "We need to look forward to many more wonderful memories!"
"That's right," Koushiro said.
"Why don't we all get something to eat?" Tentomon suggested. "I've seen the buffet and it looks scrumptiously exceptional."
Takeru smirked as Patamon waved him with one of his ears to the others. "Come on Takeru!" he exclaimed.
He walked with them as him and Gabumon and the other digimon talked about how no one had fought in a long time and were itching for a fight and it seemed so unlike the digimon to go for more than twenty minutes without anyone digivolving.
As they walked away, Takeru stayed behind looking at them all, staring at them all, but noticing their digital record and make up. He had to snap himself out of his strange analytical mood. They were his friends, not data. He could not look at them like that or rationalize about them so coldly.
As he started to move forward Taichi's hand caught his sleeve.
He looked at Taichi a little startled who had just arrived a little nervous thinking he was angry.
"Are you going to hit me?" he asked plainly.
"That's not it," he said dragging him. "Come on, you got to talk some sense into my sister..."
...Before he knew it, Taichi had lead Takeru to his car, slammed the door shut with Takeru in it, Hikari staring out lifelessly, Tailmon concerned for her.
"Takeru," she begged, "Please help her. She's not listening to us."
Takeru smiled and opened the door letting Tailmon out.
"Don't worry," he said. "It will all work itself out."
Takeru looked at Hikari who stared out the window as if her soul had left her. He did not really get what was going on, but felt a bit better knowing her brother and Tailmon both trusted her with him even after finding out about their romantic evening.
"I have some bad news Hikari," he said faking a concerned tone of voice. "I...I saw your brother kissing Yamato!"
He saw Taichi fall down looking out the window both Agumon and Taichi settling him down.
Hikari stared at him, both hands grabbing his collar instantly. "That can't be true!" she exclaimed. "What will Sora think?! They're are brothers! They-"
Takeru only smiled glad his plan worked to get her attention. She let go of him and looked around as if processing everything.
"Tell me what happened," he said firmly, but not too forcefully as he placed one hand on her hand; Hikari's hand tensing up, but then relaxing.
He listened as she slowly opened up to him telling him about what she had just found out that morning. She seemed so upset as if she was herself, but did not really know who she was anymore, or if she was even Hikari or Homeostasis.
"Listen, Hikari," Takeru said calmly. "Do you love me?"
She looked at him puzzled. "Of course I love you Takeru. I love you with all my heart!"
He nodded his head. "Then, does Homeostasis love me?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said as if contemplating a deep answer when Takeru was not looking for one. "Why do you ask?"
Takeru ignored her question and tried to bypass her. "When I look at you and you look at me and when we kiss do you kiss me? Or does Homeostasis kiss me?"
"Th-that's me! "Hikari said. "I'm the one kissing you!"
"Ok then," he said looking out the window, Taichi looking at him irritated, but understandingly.
Takeru smirked. "All right then Hikari," he said a lot more seriously, but pretending to be a real nonchalant romantic. "When you and I made love were you making love to me," he said brushing the strands of her hair staring deeply into her amber eyes, "Or was Homeostasis making love to me?"
Outside Takeru noticed Taichi seemed to be losing his mind. He started to look like he would break down the car, his face turning so red and irritated. Agumon and Tailmon had to stop him from literally destroying the car, but having their share of difficulties.
Hikari looked down seeming to avoid his gaze, but he thought he heard her.
"I..."
Takeru gently put his hand to the side of her cheek and looked into her eyes wanting her to look into his. "You what?" he said as romantically as possible.
"I...made love to you," she said, her face turning bright red.
Takeru smiled and rubbed her head glad she had said the words.
"You see? Despite what happened to you as a baby you made those choices; not Homeostasis. So as long as you can remember them, they are your memories, and just let those memories remind you of who you are."
She did not respond back to him, but held his hand.
Takeru sighed, placing his other hand on the back of his head. "At the end of the day Hikari it might have been true that Homeostasis gave you life again," he said. "But just remember, you were the one that lived it. Not her. You can't let her or your life's circumstances decide who you are or just go with it," he said vaguely remembering his older brother telling him something similar. "You have to do it. No one else will do it for you unless you let them," he explained.
He grabbed both of her shoulders with both of his hands not allowing her to turn from him. "But I know Hikari you are not a push over. You just try to be nice but don't let yourself say what you really want to," he said grabbing even tighter. "But with me, you can say anything, do anything, just be yourself without any fear of me. And our friends feel the same way," he smiled.
She looked down, Takeru noticing her rub his hand with her thumb and finally smile.
"You're so wonderful," she said letting go of his hand and wrapping her arms around him.
He hugged her back affectionately giving her a passionate kiss grateful for her to be back to her old self. Takeru stared into her eyes desirably, but backed off noticing Hikari smiling a bit nervously.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I was depressed for so long I forgot I was hungry," she confessed.
Takeru smiled at her, Hikari's bright beaming smile returning to her. "Now that's the girl I fell in love with," he said. "I really missed that smile," he said loving everything about her. "But I accept that other side of you to," he added. "The side that you don't want others to see."
He adored her wondering how he could love someone so much, even the little things that normally other people would be annoyed by.
"Now let's go get something to eat before Taichi blows a blood vessel."
He opened the door to let her out, Hikari obligingly exiting it, Takeru following after.
"Or the digimon eat all our food," Hikari replied cheerfully shutting the door, walking away with him hand in hand.