Chapter 5: Still One Last Time

Kit had been watching him for what felt like hours, curled up on his side. Of course it hadn't been that long at all. He was just starting to get his breathing back when Kit finally interrupted the comfortable silence. She was almost afraid to, afraid that in asking, awkwardness would strike up and ruin this, but Kit was too curious not to.

"How did you know?" She asked, running her hand over his chest.

"I just needed a good look at you, love," Olaf replied lazily, but then that victorious smirk pulled at his face again as he lowered his gaze to meet hers. Kit's eyes narrowed curiously. That wasn't an actual answer. He smirked a bit at her silent pressuring.

"Also, distinguished is a bit of a mouthful for a gypsy," Olaf snorted and Kit looked a little confused. Really? She'd known it wasn't just the humming, but why couldn't a gypsy say that? He laughed then, and Kit could feel it vibrate pleasantly through his chest into hers. "Which of course you can't imagine is true Kit."

"Well I guess there's only one actor between us," Kit passed it off unconcerned. It was hardly fair circumstances, but she'd probably been identified as worse. At least she'd done the accent alright, then.

"I ought to have known from the start, what with the symbol."

"Actually there is a real Madame Lulu with nothing to do with us," Kit offered, steering him away from the truths that could be here. It was partially true and that was the best she could offer at the moment. "I'm just borrowing."

"Hmm, I hope she sees spirits better than you," Olaf chuckled.

"I've heard she's shockingly legitimate," Kit tried to smile without letting it be sad. Olaf seemed quick to let it go, thankfully. Despite it all, they were still who they were now. It put a very plain wall between them. They both knew that. Olaf looked down at her, and Kit back, many unspoken things making their ways onto their faces. The truth, they both knew when they looked at each other, that this was all they had left.

She wondered if she looked as sad as he did about it. She felt it. It wasn't nearly as much as they'd had, once, but just now it almost felt like enough. Outside of this room it wouldn't be, but for now it was. Kit watched him frown lightly before she turned to ignore it and lean further against his chest to place a kiss there. Olaf's fingers threaded through her hair and he leaned down to kiss her tenderly.

Kit's eyes slipped closed and she relaxed into the feel of his lips on hers. She'd gone on so long not feeling this way. What did a few unsaid thoughts matter? She opened her eyes, and the way he looked at her... it almost didn't matter that she couldn't say the things she wanted to say. Or ask about the events that still bothered her, because they both knew where that ended up. Kit'd rather stay here in silence for just a moment longer. Even if they couldn't recover the real space between them. Even if it was absurdly easy to slip back into being with him. They were a conundrum.

This was the real problem, the reason they crumbled so quickly in front of each other. Neither of them chose to stop loving each other. They never hated one another, or lost that love… their own morals and ideas took them away. They had traveled down opposite sides of the fork and they couldn't stay together.

It would have been so much easier if he had just blamed her for her delivery, or hated her. In the same way it would be easier if she could do the right thing and make herself hate him for his wicked deeds since. Easier or not, Kit couldn't stand the idea. It didn't matter what she thought, Kit couldn't hate him. The events of their lives were all washed in grey with the knowledge of what threw him down that path and her own guilt in having a hand in it.

Everyone saw her as morally strong as her brothers, as the best of the Volunteers, she used to be… but inside she was weaker now. She'd seen and gone through too much. Grey overshadowed everything and he'd taken her resolute devotion to all things being noble or wicked away. How could that ideology not be gone, when someone she loved so much, who had given her so much love… would have to be truly wicked at his core to believe it all?

Olaf wasn't wicked, not entirely. He was just lost… and she could still see it, in the way his eyes begged her to take ahold of him even now. Maybe it was just her own thoughts but… it felt real. It all felt so real still even though it had been nearly two decades. It should have all faded, by now why was it still so fresh, so unfair?

"Do you ever want to go back and change it all Olaf?" Kit found herself muttering without deciding to ask. She did. Damn, she did all the time. Did Olaf ever go back and think about what they had? What they'd had outside of each other and regret how their paths had gone?

He didn't say anything, until he let out a deep sigh.

"Don't ruin it, Kit," Olaf whispered softly, leaning his lips down to press against her shoulder.

Kit closed her eyes, wishing she could listen to him now. She just wasn't sure she was capable of blissfully ignoring things. She tried until now, but eventually her mind returned to her and it felt impossible to stay silent. If she could simply choose to ignore things, then they wouldn't have ever spent all this time apart. Kit just couldn't help it, it wasn't like their last run in's, back in the beginning of the end. Here, with him now it felt safe, talking about it in bed together. Like all their anger and disapproval couldn't enter into this small, safe place.

Kit just looked up at him with a questioning frown. He stared at her for a long time before speaking as quiet as she'd ever heard him.

"The truth is none of us can change anything," Olaf sighed again. "We never could."

"I don't believe that," Kit replied softly. No one could bend time but there was always a chance to change the present and future.

"You just don't admit defeat, love," Olaf said, half humored, half sad. She found she hated the disheartened look deep in his eyes. Kit ran her fingers over his chest, wondering when he'd started giving up so much. He never used to. They stared at each other sadly before Olaf captured her hand in his, pressing a long kiss to her fingers. Kit watched him intently before he turned to pull her closer to his chest.

Kit tucked her head into his shoulder, breathing in deeply. She knew they weren't able to change it all, but she could close her eyes and stay in the present awhile longer. Olaf told her a story, something ludicrous and likely true knowing him. They fell into old habits teasing each other to wash away the desperate sadness that kept trying to strangle the happy moment they'd found themselves in.

At some point Kit had fallen asleep, listening to his even breathes. It felt as if she was falling awake, too. Kit tried to resist it, Olaf was warm next to her and she didn't want to face the day. She was a little sore to be pulled out of the best sleep she'd had in awhile. The crack in the fabric was letting in the sunlight, though, and Kit couldn't sleep with it in her eyes. So she forced herself to untangle from Olaf and move to pull together the fabric of the door tighter and tie it together.

Kit frowned at the sight that greeted her back in bed. She knelt down on the side and realized it hadn't been the sunlight that had woken her. It was Olaf, apparently. She watched silently as he tossed and turned slightly, restless. She wasn't surprised, the unkind world slipped its way into her dreams, too. The difference in him just struck Kit so deeply. He'd always been such a deep sleeper. Waking him was near impossible, it had always been a contrast how peaceful and quiet he was in his sleep and how filled with life the next day.

That had disappeared, as his face twitched and he turned on his side. Well, time hadn't been kind to any of them, had it? Kit got back in bed, reaching out to slip her arms over his chest. He did it to himself, she shouldn't feel sorry for him, but she did. Kit didn't want to see him sleeping uneasily, far from their youth. Maybe especially because at least some of his actions, in the beginning or longer maybe, had been at the hands of those two wicked members.

They'd all lost so much, and her anger subsided for him realizing he had lost things too. Parts of him were missing, she could see it so clearly now. Kit held onto him tighter, trying to quiet her mind so she could enjoy the small moment of reprise.

Eventually Olaf mostly stilled. It was maybe the only way she'd ever let herself comfort him, because so much of it was his fault even if she knew he did it out of some misguided way or at the hands of others. They were still his actions, but in this moment when he didn't know it, Kit could hold him tightly against those demons and fight them for him.

When her eyes flickered open next, it was dark and Olaf was gone. Kit didn't bother to look around, or call out to him, because she knew he wasn't going to be there. The day moved on, their lives called them back, and Kit simply turned to lay where the bed was soaked in his smell.

She couldn't help her first thought, or the tiny grin that clung to her face. Perhaps that made Kit strange but… his promise. Olaf didn't wake her up with a kiss. He'd gone without seeing her. They'd skipped a sad goodbye neither wanted and… in doing so he'd left her with that same little message echoing from across the years.

'I'm going to wake you up with a kiss one last time Kit.'

Kit reached up to brush a finger across her lips… damn her, she was happy he'd been here. Maybe she was even happy he hadn't given her one last kiss yet. For all Olaf's talk of hopelessness, he still had a little left inside, didn't he? It was enough.

Note-

I've decided to end this part here, on a happy note. There was meant to be another chapter, but I think I will turn it into a separate part despite it being a stand alone. It's too dismal to go right after this and it is a skip in time! Thank you so much for reading!