This is canon.
TW: Electropunk
John Egbert just so happened to lie in his bed. It just so happened he was listening to "How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths for the 500th time in a row. John Ergbert let out an exsasperated sigh. Then, he got up. Then, he went down. Then he got up. Then he got down. Then he went down. The hallway. And into his bathroom. He was given a choice. He could piss in his toilet, or he could hold in his piss for a bit longer. It's not like he had to worry about kidney failure, being immortal and all. He chose to piss. He chose to fucking piss in the toilet of his own creation. He chose to blast a stream of piping hot piss all over his toilet. All over the seat. The floor. The walls. He even got it on the ceiling. Impressive. He chose to let his piss droplets dribble from his penis down to his hands. He chose to sigh. He sighed again. But you knew that already. But you knew that already. But you
John chose to leave his bathroom and continued listening to his music. He chose his favorite album, Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division. He stared at his prized signed Joy Division poster, which didn't actually have any value to him since it was Earth C Joy Division and not the original Joy Division. He reminisced of his times travelling the terrain of the Land of Wind and Shade. He reminisced on his times traversing the nuclear holocaust with his friends WHICH HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS (THIS IS A CALL BACK) OK. He reminisced when he could feel happiness. He stared aimlessly into the jagged patterns. He saw past the white lines on his poster and wandered amidst the dark abyss behind them. He lost himself as he floated aimlessly in the abyss, but he lost himself a long time ago. But you he you he knew that already oyu.
He mused about his past. How did Johng get here? He thought of Tony, and Rose, and Xbox One, his best friend. He thought of the time he beheaded Donald Trump with his hammer (not his penis). But he knew that already. But he But Because he's thought of all of this before. Because he didn't think of anything new. Because he lived in the world he and his friends created. Because he was trapped in his world. In his house. He was housetrapped. Did anything in his past really matter? He wondered if anything he had done really mattered. But that's all he could do. His adventures were over, and he didn't feel like continuing. How much time had passed? 10 years? 100 years? 1000 years? Who knows? He remembered all the weird shit that he all accepted as perfectly natural. He thought about Big the Cat, and Lil Sneezer, and his best friend, Xbox One, who was his best friend. What ever happened to him? That's a tory for another day. ;) But you
Suddenly, it just so happened that Karkat, the good character, backflipped through John's window. John flipped out and threw his official Joy Division sheets off his bed and onto the floor. "HEY FAGGGOT, MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE JUST RERELEASED THEIR 2000 ALBUM, FRANKENSTEIN GIRLS WILL SEEM STRANGELY SEXY, ON VINYL! CHECK IT OUT!" He threw the green vinyl record on John's bed with a goofy smile. They both just so happen to stare at it. "NEAT, HUH?" But John didn't think so.
"First of all Karkat, you can't say 'Faggot' anymore, it doesn't make you cool. Second of al-"
Suddenly, Roxy burst headfirst through the hole where John's window was previously installed at. "John I think I'm genderfluid," she said, but John was too distracted by her rockin' tits to reply. "YO THAT'S FUCKIN' TIGHT, BABY!" Karkat shouted in a bad attempt at falsetto. "Shut the fuck up Karkat," Roxy said. "I've been feeling this way for a while and we need to talk about this before my dialogue gets cut off by the plot and-
A young man stood in front of his latest invention. It just so happened to be his 25th birthday. His group of friends all sat uncomfortably in his makeshift rocket ship, which was parked in his mother's backyard. Jimmy finally expanded on the rocket ship he had since he was a kid, but the measurements weren't quite right, leading to discomfort from his friends. "Gee Jimmy, I don't know about this," Carl wheezed. "You sure you crunched the numbers right?"
"Yes! God damn! Fuck, Carl. Stop asking dumb shit! Look, the Sheen clone is already rotting. Put him out of his misery for Christ's sake! ...Fuck!" Jimmy candidly responded as he finished turning the last screw on his newest invention, a multidimensional portal.
"You guys are my best friends!" Sheen #5201 tried saying, but he couldn't because his jaw fell off. Also, so did his tongue. And his diAnd also Carl was smothering him with a pillow. "Jimmy, I know you never got over being the one responsible for Sheen dying a miserable death, and also the one responsible for failing to hide his body, and the one who got us put under government surveillance for years, and the one who basically ruined all our childhoods and traumatized us, but do we really need to keep making these Sheen clones?" He asked.
"God. Geez. Yes! Sure. Whatever," Jimmy replied. "Fuck," he said. "...shit," he continued. He quickly fumbled his hands and dropped the controller. "FUCK! Keep asking questions Carl, and you'll be the next one under that pillow."
"We all know you won't let me die, Jimmy," Carl wheezed.
Jimmy shouted back, "That's it! I'm tired of no one respecting my genius or giving me the recognition I deserve. All the fucking helots in this world had their chance to listen to me, the one who's right, but now it's too late! My masterpiece, my magnum opus, my Mona Lisa, is finally complete! If my intellect won't be acknowledged in this world, then maybe in another, it just might!"
Jimmy climbed in to his rocket, then snapped his head to Libby, who was browsing Tumblr on her phone, blocking people while mumbling, "Poetic justice" each time. "And you! Just because I scientifically proved that you were indeed the reincarnation of Cleopatra, doesn't give you the right to ignore what I say!" But Libby didn't acknowledge him. She just kept blocking people.
"I have proven that our reality is nothing more than the dream of a blind idiot pizza god. A single pizza! We are but a bubble of cheese to him. And also, also, we are running out of time! Yes, we are! I have spent months, MONTHS, reviewing the background radiation in our solar system. I've cracked the code. I've read the words between the lines. I've discovered the true apocrypha of our dark universe! Yet, still, no one believes me. Well, thanks to the power source I've acquired lately, at least we can escape this wretched nightmare before it's too late! I'm tired of the man bringing me down, his dreams are not my own!"
"Yeah? Mm'hm," Libby replied. Carl added, "Oh. Uh, well that was very interesting, Jimmy. Did you practice another megalomaniac rant in front of your mirror this morning? I rate it a hard 7 out of 10. Maybe a soft 8. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get down from here and go home now." Cindy also tried to add something, but her mouth was duct taped shut.
"RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!" Jimmy let out a ear-bursting scream of anger. It sounded something like that. Let me type it again for you. "RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHH!" Wait I missed an H. "RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!" There. Jimmy violently mashing his finger on the big red button on his rocket. A great ball of light emerged in front of it opening a rift to a new dimension. "GOTTA BLAAAAAAAST!" he yelled as his rocket shot through the rift.
...and I just have so many conflicting emotions swelling up inside of me and it's so fucking hard and oh god damn it, it happened, didn't it?" Roxy asked. John continued to stare at Roxy's exquisite rack. But
"I'M TELLING YOU MAN, YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO MSI WITH ME SOMETIME," Karkles said.
"Stop it, man. You're not getting me to listen to your fucking piss music," John said.
"AWW... MANNNN!" Karkunk added.
It just to happened that Jimmy Neutron violently crashed his rocket ship through Egbert's hole. It flew through John's bedroom, and finally crash landing a block down the road. There were no survivors. The nose of Jimmy Neutron's rocket ship also pinned Karkat's torso to a derelict brick house.
"Oh shit oh fuck!" Roxy exclaimed.
"My house!" John exclammed.
"FUCK YOUR HOUSE MAN I'M DYING OVER HERE!" Karkat Karkunked. "URGH!" He urghed, as he expunged viscous crimson fluid from his food hole. I was trying to use purple prose but I think I just legitimately wrote like a Homestuck troll and god fucking damn it I'm going to go cry now. "MY ONLY REGRET, (URGH), IS NOT BEING ABLE TO (UNG) LISTEN TO FRANKENSTEIN GIRLS WILL SEEM STRANGELY SEXY ON VINYL..." (URNGH FUCKIN URNGH FUCKIN DOING DOING DOING)
"Oh Jesus Christ Karkat is dying oh no oh no!" Roxy said as she pressed her fingers on his neck to feel his pulse even though he was clearly still alive.
"Karkat buddy pal man, dawg... bruh, I know you're about to die and all," John says as Karkat coughs up his spleen, "But can you please just stop talking about Mindless Self Indulgence for one fucking second?"
"MSI IS MY PERSONALITY NOW, EGBERT. IT'S ALL I GOT LEFT, MOTHERFUCKERRRR. IT'S MY FUCKING- IT'S MY LIFEBLOOD!"
Roxy interjected, "Oh that's what I call my ship of you and Jane. Want me to call her over here? She can revive your dead body-"
"I'D RATHER DIE WITH DIGNITY THAN LET THAT RACIST LAY A SINGLE FINGER ON MY BEAUTIFULLY HAIRLESS BODY!"
"Oh shit yeah Jane's a racist now. John, how far are we in the timeline again?"
"Sssss...uhhh... let me check my watch." John replied.
"..."
"..."
"The race war." John rereplied.
"JOHN MY TIME LEFT IN THIS MORTAL REALM IS NUMBERED. PLEASE, CAN YOU USE YOUR TIMEY WIMEY POWERS TO-"
"To prevent all this from happening?" John interrupted.
"TO GET ME JIMMY URINE'S AUTOGRAPH!" Karkat yelled. "URGH."
"What? Fuck no, man! Karkat, you need to let Jimmy go!"
"BITCHES KNOW ME CUZ THEY KNOW THAT I CAN ROCK." Karkat's voice heightened.
"Karkat!"
"BITCHES LOVE ME CUZ THEY KNOW THAT I CAN RHYME." Karkat's voice heightened again.
"Karkat!" John grabbed Karkat's face.
"BITCHES LOVE ME CUZ THEY KNOW THAT I CAN FUUCK~!" Karkat's voice reached new heights, yet he still couldn't sing in falsetto.
"KARKAT!" John screamed with tears in his eyes.
"BITCHES LOVE ME CUZ THEY KNOW THAT i'm on time..." Karkat died. He said.
John sniffled and wiped his nose on his shirt. "Wait, did Karkat had a boner this whole time?" John asked.
"Yes."
Karkat's funeral took place in a great church. Everyone showed up. John, Rose, Roxy, Our Jade, Big the Cat, and all the others I've failed to mention. We've all failed to mention. Even the cast of Jimmy Neutron, who were all brought back to life by Jane, the racist (she's racist now). Light shined faintly through the pristine stained glass pattern, which was of some stupid ass muscular furry. This didn't help Our Jade, who was trying to conceal her two ft long erection. Roxy, covered head to toe in black, was crying. But she was also turned on, as she had a funeral fetish. John sat in between them. He was desensitized to it all, as this wasn't his first rodeo.
Jimmy Neutron sat behind John. "Hey man, sorry for killing your friend and all," he said, half-assedly. There was a hint of alcohol in his breath. "Whatever,"
John rolled his eyes. As he disassociated, Gamzee walked up on stage to give a eulogy.
"Oh for god's sake," John mumbled.
"Wha's good my mothafucka's?!" Gamzee said, trying to work up the crowd. Which wasn't working. Because it was a funeral. "Karkat's death has impacted all of us, hoes. Greatly. Uhhhh, honk."
"Boo! Get off the stage! Where's your typing quirk, asshole?" John said.
"The author is not boutta' waste time on that shit, my brother." Gamzee said as he struck pose and pointed at John.
"John chill, let him speak. Karkat was like his best friend," said Big the Cat, whose best friend has been gone for decades.
"Yeah John! Boo!" said Our Jade, who now had a hand on her member.
"Whatever," John rolled his eyes.
"Anyways, my lovely bitches. As we all know already, Karkat was a great friend, with an even greater taste in music." Gamzee held a black record in his hand. "Now, I will slam this mothafucka' on the track. It's what Karkat would have wanted."
"Oh, it's not green. Thank god. Well at least it's not Frankenstein Girls," John said.
The record started. "WHEN I SAY WE, YOU SAY SUCK!" John yelled, "Oh, COME ON!"
"Chill the fuck down, Egbert." Gamzee said. "Have some mothafuckin' respect for the dead!"
"WE!" the record played. "SUCK!" Everyone responded. "WE!" "SUCK!" "WHEN I SAY WE, YOU SAY SUCK! WE!" "SUCK!" "WE!" "SUCK!" "DICK!"
"Fuuuuuuck! This is such fucking bullshit!" John yelled. "I thought all vinyls of this shit was green!"
"Just the first pressing, my ninja!" :o)
John shot up from his seat, and walked towards the exit. Gamzee's poor attempt at acting like a black-coded priest was the final straw. Suddenly, electronic dance music blasted through the speakers, as the door flung open right in John's face, knocking him out. All the pallbearers danced in. Hank Hill, Ricky, Dave Strider (who was in the story this whole time), and whoever the fuck else grabbed Karkat's caskat and danced his remains out the door.
"I just don't get it," said John. "Why didn't he obsess over a good band? Say like, The Smiths, or The Pixies? You know what I mean, right?"
"John I'm an alien," Terezi said over the phone. "Also, yeah it sucks that Karkat died, but I kind of got more important things to deal with right now. Like travelling the wasteland of the outskirts of reality. You know, girl things."
"Okay but you agree with me that MSI sucks, right? Like, he could have at least listened to My Chemical Romance or somethin-"
"Oops can't hear you Egbert sorry. As all things die around me, that includes the concept of conversation. Bzzzzt! Bzzzzzzzzzzt! Uh, click!"
"..."
"..."
"You're still on, asshole!" John said, before Terezi quickly shut off her phone.
God damn. John chose to lie in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Maybe he'll choose to call the black sheep of the family, Jake. Oh wait, Jake chose to move to the jungle and become a misanthrope because people only talked to him for his looks;; and he couldn't hold a conversation with another sentient being because they all thought he was too stupid for one. Darn, that's rough I guess, John thought. Chose. Well shit. Guess I'll go piss. AGAIN. John chosed. He walked over to his bathroom, opening up the door. He opened it up, opening the door. He chose to open it up. He John groggily aimed at his grotty piss-stained toilet. He let out a tired moan as the floodgates unleashed.
But something strange just so happened. No piss came out. John stared at his piss-free penis for a bit, wondering what was up. The more he tried, the less control he felt.Oh shit, he realized, I must be dreaming! That makes sense, yeah. Last thing I remembered was Karkat's funeral. Do trolls even hold funerals the same way humans do? Did anyone even ask? Sounds pretty culturally insensitive to me. Oh shit. Oh man. How long have I been dreaming? John tried looking at his watch, which was a random string of impossible numbers. Oh lmao. Well, that door must have given me a real nasty bump. Geez, guess I should wake up. I mean, it's not like I'm in a dream bubble anymore, since all of Paradox Space ceased existing years ago. Even though its timeline is nonlinear. I've just been confined to my subconscious ever since then. Damned, even. I probably deserve it. Hm, the dregs of my mind aren't very entertaining. Hm hm hm. John looked around his room. He noticed his prized Joy Division poster wasn't on his wall anymore. Oh! Before I wake up, I guess I'll fix that. John conjured up a new Joy Division poster. Hehehe, yeah...
A great flash of white light blinded him. John woke up in a hospital bed. "What the?" He sat up. The sudden motion made him delirious. He slumped back down onto the pillow. "Where the hell am I?!"
Then he noticed someone sleep in the chair next to him. it was the Mayor! The cudbly. We can name him anything we want! Okay then, let's spin the wheel. *spins wheel* Weeeeeeee! His name will now be... Let's see: Starburns from Commnuity. Starburns from Community woke up. He was clearly excited. He jumped up and down with joy. Starburns from Community ran out of the hospital room. He returned with a nurse. The nurse was shocked at the sight of John awake. She gasped and dropped her clipboard. Starburns from Community and the nurse ran back to the main desk. John just squinted his eyes at them in confusion.
Suddenly, it just so happened that Roxy showed up. "Roxy! What the fuck is happeni- ROXY WHERE ARE YOUR TITS!" John screamed in anguish.
"I- I chopped them off. Long ago." Roxy lamented.
"Long ago?!"
"John, you've been in a coma for 7 years! We were afraid you'd never wake up!" She said. A single tear of black liquid something leaked through Starburns from Community's eye. But you
"The fuck you mean a coma?! I didn't know god tiers could get comas! That's bullshit..."
"Well, normally, no. But apparently you were struck by a MAGIC DOOR." But you knew that already.
"Oh fuck off." John said as he tried to leave his bed.
"John, John. Take it easy. John I- John for fuck's sake. The nurse said your muscles deteriorated in the coma. Your legs aren't working right. But you already know that. Now, I know this is a lot to take in, but-"
"A MAGIC DOOR! You expect me to believe that? A fucking MAGIC DOOR! I don't need to take it easy, I need to get the hell outta here!" John knew already.
"John, please rest up. I'm going to make some phone calls. I gotta call Rose, Ricky, Yiffy-"
"who"
"Oh uh don't worry about it." Roxy said as she left the room.
John crossed his arms and sat at his bed for a long time. It just so happened that he was incredibly bored. He found a TV remote on his side table. He grimaced at the television before reluctantly turning it on. What he saw was unbelievable. It was a news story on the success of Gamzee Makara's newest book in his young adult series: Homestruck. John was flabbergasted. What in the world was a Homestruck? Apparently, it was a highly successful record-breaking book series about four young kids playing a deadly video game in the realms of space and imagination. Wow, these books actually sell? John thought to himself. Then he saw footage of Gamzee, who got his life together and cleaned up his act. "This next book was real tough for me to write. It reminded me a lot of my best friend, who died a while back. :o( I will be dedicating it to..."
"Oh that's sweet, I guess. He's gonna dedicate his book to Karkat."
"I'll be dedicating my next book to Jimmy Urine, front-man of Mindless Self Indulgence. :o)"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
One week later, Gamzee's D.C. book signing was crashed by Wheelchair!John. He had already read every volume of Homestruck out of rage. He wanted to know why in the world Gamzee dedicated his next book to Jimmy Urine. After Gamzee mentioned Jimmy on live TV, a new wave of young MSI fans appeared. However, what John uncovered was much weirder. Homestruck chronicled events disturbingly similar to his own life. To his friends' lives. Even parts that Gamzee would have no reason knowing. Homestruck recounted John's fateful encounter with Tony the Well Endowed. The time they roamed the American wasteland. The battle against Trump on the moon. And the aftermath, where everything was pretty much normal except Tony was there and solved every problem. And how did Gamzee know about John's embarrassing moment at his 3rd grade Christmas recital? You know the one hehe yeahhhhh. John was about to find out.
John angrily rolled his wheelchair through the long line of Homestruck fans. It just so happened that Gamzee had finished signing a copy of Homestruck Volume 6 to a young cancer patient.
"There you go little buddy! You have a good day now, honk honk! :o)" honked Gamzee. "Oh, hey John, my old friend! It's great to see you again! I've heard of your recovery."
"Cut the crap, clown boy. What the fuck is this?" John shoved his own copy of Homestruck Volume 5 Part 2 in Gamzee's face. "Where did you get this information?! You're using my fuckin' likeness without permission! Give me my cut, bean boy!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Johnny boy. I merely form my ideas through my own experiences. I often meditate and ideas emerge from the dark ocean of my subconscious. As a great poet once wrote: 'All characters and events in this show—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated...poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone'. "
"What?" John what the fucked.
"John, I am glad to see you again, but it has became clear to me that you have no understanding of my story."
"Oh I understand it all right. And since when were you friends with Jimmy Urine?"
"Oh, you must have misheard me on television. I meant Jimmy Neutron. You've met him before, yeah?"
"Bullshit I've misheard you! I've seen you all over TV and you always say 'Jimmy Urine, front-man of Mindless Self Indulgence.' Don't play coy with me, I want answers!"
Gamzee waved his hand at the bookstore's security guards. "John I am sorry but I am going to have to ask you to leave."
Security guards arrived to wheel John out. "John, before you speak to me again, I suggest that you please expand your consciousness. Have a good day.
John couldn't believe his ears. Expand your consciousness? What right did someone like that have telling him such a thing? How condescending! John, mustering all his strength, leapt out of the wheelchair and tackled Gamzee to the ground. A flurry of fists pounded upon Gamzee's face.
"And take this! And this! And that!" John screamed with each strike.
"There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself :o)"
Punch
"There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself :o)"
Another punch.
"There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself :o)"
Before John knew it, Gamzee's face was a bloody purple pulp. The security guards tore John off of Gamzee and threw him and his wheelchair out of the bookstore.
A single table lamp illuminated John's room. John tiredly wheeled himself in. He had to move into a seedy hotel, as Roxy married Carl Wheezer when John was in his coma. However, Roxy still insisted on throwing a party the next day for John to celebrate his recent awakening, hoping they could remain as friends. John sighed as he wheeled over to the desk in the corner. He cracked open his copy of Homestruck Act 6 Act 7 Act 8 Act 1. The smell of mildew danced around the room, as the bathrooms above leaked behind the walls. Piss was everywhere.
John arrived at the same church where Karkat's culturally insensitive funeral was held. A great banner draped over the front. Written on it was "Happy Birthday, John!" But the "Happy Birthday" was crossed out and above it was written "Welcome back!" Many people who John didn't know were at the church. He could barely recognize a face. Tables full of food and refreshments lined the westward wall. Balloons and streamers rained down upon John, but he was not impressed. Everyone gave him a warm welcome. Big the Cat manned the DJ equipment. "Hey John! It's ya' boy, Big, layin' the wax and spittin' the sounds!"
Aradia and Sollux hovered over the DJ spot. "Hey Big, I got a request! Can you play The End is Begun by 3? It's my favorite song," Aradia asked.
"No man I got this obscure song you should play, it's called uhhh Uprising by Muse," Sollux asked.
"Who are you people?" John asked tiredly. So many strangers were at his party. Trolls, caraspacians, Yiffy, and Yaldabaoth. But not the Yaldabaoth from Homestuck. The Yaldabaoth from uh *spins wheel* me FUCK.
So I walk up. 7 feet tall. Absolutely rippling with muscle. I kneel down and I say, I say, "Hey John, it's me. How ya doin'?"
John, shocked by the ubermensch that was before him, was silent. It felt as if all time stopped. The room, lively as ever, was deaf to him. All he could do was focus on my sweet ass abs.
"Hey Imma' let you in on a little secret, okay? Earth C Jimmy Urine? Never existed. All a conspiracy. Got a little bit out of hand."
"I- what?" You didn't know that already? How the fuck did you not know that already? You fucking idiot. You motherfucking
"Yeah. You ever met the dude? Didn't think so. Anyway, I bet you're pretty upset about this news, huh? Well, here. I got you a little welcome back gift." I impart an image of the True Beat Mesa in his head. "You see that? That's the True Beat Mesa. It exists within the deepest dregs of your mind. Use it and it will end all of existence as we know it. And it's made out of the Prima Materia, so you know that shit works good. But yeah, powerful stuff. Use it anytime you want. Or don't. I ain't your dad." I leave, with Aradia by my side.
John came back to his senses. "What just happened?" He said. "What just happened?" Sollux said, running out the door. John looked around, but no one else seems to have noticed anything weird. He shrugged. His eyes rolled downward. He gasped, for in his hands was the True Beat Mesa.
"Hey John!~" Roxy walked up. Carl Wheezer was beside her. "What are you up to?" She said.
"Oh uh, nothing." John quickly hid the True Beat Mesa. "Just spacing out."
"Haha, you always were a joker, John. Speaking of jokers, I got some bad news," she said with a drunken smile. "Remember Gamzee?"
"I literally got a restraining order from beating the shit out of him two days ago remember?"
Roxy laughed and snorted. "Well I'm sorry to say, but Gamzee's dead body was found this morning. How sad!"
"Are you fucking kidding me."
"I know right! Crazy stuff happening in the world." Roxy said. Carl nodded sagely, "Crazy stuff, man."
Roxy continued, "He decapitated himself and jumped off his penthouse. First responders said it looked like a giant bug splat on the pavement."
"Wow he can't even die in an original way."
"John stop!~ This is serious! Anyway, we need to host a funeral for him right now. Sorry, but we're gonna have to cut your party short."
"You know what, I'm not even shocked. Go right ahead." John said begrudgingly.
Gamzee's funeral was quick and painless, as if through a blessing from God, no one was there to crash it. Probably because they were all dead or dying. Rose was too high on pain pills. Dave was quietly having an anxiety attack, losing his sense of identity. Our Jade was crying because her blood didn't flow like it used to. Roxy furiously masturbated in the back. Jake was found face-down in a swamp in the Congo. John wasn't surprised, as Gamzee's death was already written in the Homestruck book he read the night prior. Something about dying to summon a false god or some weird shit. But you kn
When John made it back to his hotel room, he took out the True Beat Mesa and stared at it. Did it really work? (Yes because I fucking said so.) He did not know. (God fucking damn it.) He set it on the desk and went to bed space. The smell of piss was overbearing. He woke up multiple times throughout the night. When he woke up, he would look at the device. Then he would sleep again. And wake up again. And stare at it again. He woke up again early in the morning. No birds sang that day. The sound of cars never ended. He pissed in the bathroom's toilet. Mmmm yea piss in my mouth bby. After a bowl of cereal, he searched his music library for OK Computer by Radiohead. It just so happened that as soon as he hit his play button his computer fan whirled so fast. His monitor died. All noises stopped. "Oh come on..." he said, smacking the laptop. "No no no no no!" John cried out.
John slammed his head on the desk. He slammed it again. He slammed his head for an hour straight. After tiring himself out, he turned to his side, looking at the True Beat Mesa. He grabbed it and held it in his hand. He looked for a way to activate it. He found an ON/OFF switch on the back, set to ON. "Guess that's it," he said. He had a choice. He could either
Suddenly suddenly not so suddenly, the door flung open. Our Jade yelled out, "JOHN WERE YOU MASTURBATING?!"
John stared at her dumbfounded. "Yes." Wait what.
"COOL CAN I JOIN? I'VE BEEN TAKING PILLS!"
"What? No. I? No! What the hell are you even doing here?"
"DAVE KICKED ME OUT FOR THE YEARS OF ABUSE I GAVE HIM :((("
"Oh well you sure as hell can't-"
"HEY WHAT'S THIS?" Our Jade grabbed the True Beat Mesa. "WHAT THIS DO?"
"Oh fuck, Jade! Give me that back!"
"OR WHAT, CRIPPLE BOY?" Our Jade asked, tossing it around.
"Jade listen to me. Listen to me. You have no idea what that thing can do. Give me it back. Now."
"HAHA I THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS."
"Jade, drop it! Drop! Now!"
"OKAY FINE :("
"Goddamn."
"SO CAN I STILL FAP OR-" She said as she dropped it on the floor, accidentally flicking the switch to OFF. John shielded his head and let out the loudest FUCK of his life as NOTHING HAPPENED YET LOLOLOLOL IT TAKES A WHILE TO KICK IN LMOFA.
John's hands trembled. He braced himself for whatever horrors awaited him beyond the grand illusion. Yet, nothing happened. He looked up, wondering what happened. Bitch even I don't know and I wrote this shit. Jade blankly stared at him then asked him if her offer was still on the table. John threw the True Beat Mesa against the wall. Furiously. He then undid his pants, and they had a very angsty and tearful session together. The End. Wait you didn't mention what happened to Eridan or Nepeta or any of the others. Bitch who?